Democratic People's Republic of Mindanao
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| Sometimes the foundations are so rotten and bad that the only good and constructive action is demolishing everything and starting from scratch. In other words, rewrite this article. It's in such a bad state that you may ignore all of its current contents if you like.
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This article is about the Orwellian Mindanao. For the Philippines as a whole, see Philippines or Pilipinas or see The Filipino Empire. And by the way, this is a cheap copy of the north korean article.
| This article may be Overly Filipino. ... because it talks too much about its race. |
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| Motto: "강박에는 강타로, 응징에는 무자비한 징벌로!!!!" "The eMos shall be CRUSHED under the single minded unity of figures of long-sleeved white blouses and pink long skirts!!!" | |||||
| Anthem: Himno ng Pamantasang Mindanao(official anthem), Digdig Kah Boom!!! (The Explosive Bounty of Our Soil) (Sung in | |||||
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| Capital | | ||||
| Largest city | | ||||
| Official languages | Bisaya, Hiligaynon, Korean, B'laan, Maranao, Maguindanao, Armenian, Turkmen, Uzbek, Tajik, Indonesian, Cambodian, other languages | ||||
| Government | Communist Military Dictatorship | ||||
| Great/Dear/Supreme/Awesome/ Fabulous/Eternal/1337 Leader | Great Leader Dear Supreme Generalissimo Jose Maria Sison Mao Zedong Nikita Khrushchev Fidel Castro Joseph Dzhugashvili Stalin Saloth "Pol Pot" Sar John Lennin Ho Chi Minh Kim Jong the III. | ||||
| National Hero(es) | {{{national_heros}}} | ||||
| Declaration of Independence | We already forgot what date is was. | ||||
| Currency | Communist Money | ||||
| Religion | Anti-Emoism (STATE MERITED CULT) | ||||
| Population | 25,000,000 | ||||
| Major exports | Juche, SCUD Launchers, Apocalypse Tanks, Nuclear Bombs, ICBM Launchers, Tiberium, Anti-Emo Cultists, Refugees, Lots and lots of Dead Emos | ||||
| Major imports | Uranium, Missile Parts, Bombs, Tanks, Kalashnikovs, anything else that pleases Dear Leader | ||||
“Welcome to Central Philippines; aka the Bisayan Nation...if you're adventurous enough, you cross the border and visit either the Socialist People's Republic of the Philippines (Leftist Philippines) or the Democratic People's Republic of South Philippines (Communist Mindanao).”
~ Travel brochure of the Bisayan Nation.
The Glorious Communist Government of the Great, Imperial, Democratic, Impartial, Unbiased, Prejudicial and Beneficial Self-Relying Prosperous People's Agriculutral Surplus Nuclear-Attained State of Mindanao is a communist state situated on the bottom half of what is known as the Glorious Archipelago of the Philippines. The most magnificent city on the country is our dear capital of General Santos City. Despite the claims by the EMO imperialists that it is reclusive and isolationist, it is openly willing to maintain friendly diplomatic relations with other nations, including the US, with whom we would rather maintain peaceful relations with than the absolutely terrible possibility of war with them, although our glorious leader would be certain to lead us to victory should such a deleterious scenario arise.
The Democratic People's Republic of Mindanao is one of the last totalitarian states. The "state" controls almost everything. Any expression of dissent is illegal. Any expression of personal feeling deemed subversive by the "state" is illegal. The four peasantvision networks are state-run. Access to the Internet is limited to Uncyclopedia, citizens use instead the Intranet. There are tight controls on media, lifestyle and cultures: novels, peasantvision, movies, fashion and feelings. Every textbook, newspaper article, and news broadcast regurgitates the authorized history. Censors would be redundant since almost all information fed to the people has to pass through authorities.
[[This picture was deleted/censored under orders from Minitrue Democratic Mindanao. ]]
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Pre-historic Mindanao
This region is also called Bangsamoro!
[edit] Fall of the Philippines
In 2007, in an alternate universe we seriously hope do not actually exist, the late Republic of the Philippines broke up after the disastrous or cataclysmic 2004 elections. The elections, allegedly was rigged once more, as usual, and a former bureaucratic congressman/moron was put onto the position of President of the Philippines. He began to screw up things, approved Jolibee as the counrty's mascot, changed the form of government from presidential to parliamentary, merging the legislative branch of the government by dissolving the Senate and granted the Congress with unprecedented powers, declared himself Prime Minister, signed the MOA-AD, and changed the Constitution to suit more bureaucracy.
The signing of the the MOA-AD of Mindanao proved to be a deathbed to the united Philippine Republic and pretty soon half of Mindanao turned into a federal republic.
Nothing changed for 4 more years. Then 2015 EDSA III broke out. Thousands of leftists stormed the streets in perpetual protests demanding government change. No sooner, the despotic prime minister attempted to use CPR (Calibrated Pre-emptive Response) on the protesters, accusing them of destablization and issued Proclamation 1017. Needless to say, crime rates skyrocketed in a matter of days,
[edit] Geography
Mindanao is an island mostly made up of rich mountainous terrain ideal for placement of anti-aircraft artillery, surface-air-missiles and air defense radar installations (all for peaceful and defensive purpose only). The mountains of Apo near the Glorious City of Davao once received snow during the cold season Nor'easter from Siberia from December to January, and had a prominent year-round ice-cap on its summit, even though it's really close to the Equator. But our glorious scientists soon found out that the imperialist punks instituted the Global Warming fiasco, in which the Emos ironically masterminded. The ice and snows of Mt. Apo are gone, anyway, and so was 1/3 of its original height. Our Dear Leader has since made a "Frozen Throne" monument on top of Apo to recreate the ice cap as well as to commemorate the Warcraft III and DOTA expansion. It is glorious, and makes other monuments look like crap.
The mountains of Mindanao also serve as hiding places for the numerous emo concentration camps reeducation facilities and penal labour gulags agrarian economic productive center which dot the jungles of Mindanao. The steaming, remote jungles serves an important factor in speeding up the death rehabilitation of emos as they are being cooked alive reminded of their crimes against the student proletariat in the searing heat and humidity. The jungles also serves an important source of panggatong for the village people.
The lush pine forests of our mountains have not been cut, much to the dismay of the Emos, punks, gangstas, and couples out there who wanted their concentration camps located much higher and cooler. Or maybe they were dismayed since they were all being executed. However, the execution of the whining Emos and teenage couples was because they had all fallen Emo Imperialist Propaganda despite our magnanimous refusals to take offence at their repeated insults, so we had to execute them or the imperialism would have made their heads explode. Plans were made to commemorate a victory over the Protoss Emo and Punk dogs with a 4 square-mile replica of the Overmind, but the emos and punks shot that down despite being executed at the time. See how we allow all our slaves prisoners to speak up, even when we're gassing them? Truly we are one of the free-est country in the world. Yes, free-est is a word. The Beloved Leader said it was a word, so how could it not be? Note: All gassing of Emos and Punks was completely contextual and the only gas used is Cyanide happy gas.
[edit] Cities
Some of Mindanao's Cities are:
- General Santos City - The capital of the Democratic People's Republic of Mindanao. Also tuna capital of the world. The city was once called the BOOM-town of the South, not because of its progress, but because of the frequent bombing that made it the Bombing Capital of the Philippines. In fact, bombings are so common here, that people pass them off as a natural occurrence, much like earthquakes.
- Davao City - The City of the Spiny and Pungent Fruit. Believe it or not, that spiny and pungent fruit banned in airlines, durian, is the symbol of Davao. Also ruled with an iron fist by Rodrigo Duterte. Famous for its Davao Death Squads.
[edit] Foreign Relations
Since the revolution, Democratic Mindanao has established relations, primarily North Korea.
Other countries with diplomatic relations to Democratic Mindanao is Democratic Kampuchea Kamkamkam, Dr. Congo, Turkmenistan, Soviet Britain and Kyrgyzstan. It also maintains good relations with the Kerajaan Orde Baru, now known as Republik Gagal Indonesia, since the Prince Suharto of the Orde Baru Dynasty provided the Mindanao DPR with its aging, breaking down Soviet-bloc equipment that it was now unwilling to use military supplies at bargain prices
The communist government also holds close ties to the United States of America, despite its being a successor to North Korea as one of East Asia's last totalitarian states. In fact, Democratic People's Republic of Mindanao has been a mediator between the US and DPRK. The DPRM also plans to open relations with the Manila Filipino Empire.
[edit] Education
Mindanao's education system is considered one of the world's greatest, considered unbelievably superb in almost every way (what do you mean by "almost"!!), when compared to western systems. Attendance is compulsory for children aged 6-18, and all students attend a government-sponsored boarding school located in Mt. Apo. While this institution is called a "school," it more closely resembles a Darwinistic military indoctrination camp. THAT IS PE. DO YOU LAZY, FAT EMOS NOT HAVE PE? NO WONDER YOU ARE SO LAZY AND FAT, YOU DO NOT WEED OUT 89% OF YOUR CHILDREN THROUGH BRUTAL TRAINING AND MALNUTRITION It is uncertain what the Mindanoan curriculum is like, but analysts generally agree that there is less of an emphasis on mathematics, literature, and the fine arts than would be found in western schools. Some examples of courses available to students are listed below:
- Supporting Our Glorious Leader in All Ways: A Rejection of Vainglorious Apostasy Known as "Self Preservation"
- Examining Capitalist Lies: Food Brings Only Sloth and Complacency
- Nuclear Physics (cross-listed as, "Learning Technical Pakistani for the Workplace and the Glorious Jurisprudent Leader")
- My Struggle to Free the World from the Evil Capitalist dogs - by Kim-Jong Il
- How to discover, report and torture friends who harbor evil, viscious opinions about our Glorious Nation
Students typically complete their schooling at 18, at which point they are conscripted into military service. It is a source of income and practical, real-world training for many, although the DPRM lacks programs such as Armed Service Scholarships and GED Equivalencies which are unnecessary because they were invented by imperialists. Commonly, education is continued informally among the ranks of the Mindanaoan military in a quasi-oral tradition, knowledge passing from the older generation to the younger during traditional "cigarette" breaks. Military service/education continues in this manner until the age of 38, at which point all citizens are summarily executed because by then they will have emo capitalist pig-dog thoughts as directed by an entirely fair constitutional law.
[edit] Justice System
Like other communist countries, political crimethink doubleplusungood in Mindanao. A political case is handled without an arrest warrant. You are not allowed to speak or ask anything. They wont give you a trial since it's hardly worth the time. Instead you will be sentenced in absentia and notice of your sentence will be given to you once the secret police raids your house and presents you the arrest warrant, whereupon from this point your sentence will be carried out immediately.
Note than in Mindanao you are not deemed a political criminal if your political alignment or ideology is different from the State. Considering anyone to be thinking something other than which the State has ordained. Nor should you not praise and honor thy Great Leader hard and fervently enough. The State has different methods of dealing with that. Some say that this code is similar to the Code of Kalantiaw or the Code of Hammurabi.
Instead you are considered a political criminal if you are emo, an athletic varsity player, or a gangster. If you decided to have excessive eyeliners, wear a sweater on a humid day on broad daylight, have facial piercings, carry undersized sling bags, having bangs or fringes, wear clothing with emo themes, listen to any emo love songs the State will deem subversive, slitting your wrists, having a boyfriend or girlfriend, public display of affection and et cetera et cetera, you will be deemed a political criminal. This is simply why most (if not, all) political criminals in Mindanao are minors aged 10-18. By upon this point student militia with AK-47s will instantly arrest you and bring to the secret police center.
[edit] Torture
If you are a political criminal, and some student militia with AK-47 has snatched your from wherever you are and you found yourself being interrogated, then you will likely end up to be tortured. Firstly you will be brought upon to the local Party official or secret police commandant. They will review your crimes, and then force you to surrender to the State, in this case force you to prostrate in front of a portrait of the Dear Leader and express your utmost love and praise. Resistance or not, the Party official will sentence you to torture. There are several ways you will be tortured, the severity depending upon the whims of your captor, and how he will enjoy your torture.
There is the waterboarding, in which you will be strapped into ground and a rag or towel or piece of cloth shoved down your throat or wrapped around your face, especially the nose and mouth. The torturer then pours several gallons of water over your head, whereupon you will experience a gag reflex from the simulated drowning. There is also a water cure in which you are forced to drink gallons of water, all the while your distended stomach is being beaten with rattan canes to extract the water. Once all the water is extracted, the process begins again.
And when the Party official wants an even funnier torture, he will sentence you to electrocution. Now when we talk about about electrocution in Mindanao, it doesn't involve strapping you into a metal chair like Old Sparky did during the Marcos era. The State put an even more exotic twist to torture via electrocution. They will will strap you into a table, lying, and then strip you naked. Note that this torture is applicable to any gender, as long as he/she is a political criminal. The torturer will attach wiring to your external genitalia, especially the sensitive spots and the wet orifices. He will then connect this wiring to a truck battery or any electrical source, whereupon electrical voltage is applied to your genitalia. In a scene looking more like a twisted medical experiment, the Party official will watch in amusement while you writhe helplessly from the shock, still strapped to the table, as the torturer electrocutes you for 5 minutes. The estimated voltage applied is estimated to be in the 220-250V range.
And when the Party official or secret police commandant is not contented, he will actually raise the severity of your sentence. If your lucky you will get deported to the concentration camps. However, if your an emo and you were found out have a boyfriend or girlfriend, which is one of most grievous crimes committed against the State, you are automatically sentenced to death.
[edit] Public Executions in Mindanao
To ensure a completely loyal country, public executions occur AT LEAST once a week in cities with populations of 500,000 or more. Except in Gen. Santos City
There are at least 50 crimes punishable by death in the Democratic People's Republic of Mindanao. However, in order to meet the quota of at least one execution per week in each of the major cities, if there are currently no emos or couples that have committed crimes punishable by death, they put to death at those times the emos or gangsters that have committed the most severe crimes that otherwise call for punishments less than death.
In Mindanao, the method of execution is defined by law as the following: by hanging the condemned on a silver cable fastened on the neck of the biggest statue of the Dear Leader in town, in an impression of a necklace. If there are more executions that day and the biggest statue is already being used, the second biggest statue gets used, then the 3rd, and so on. The biggest statue is 100 feet high, in the center of the humongous Dear Leader Rachel Sinamban Square on Lagao district, in the spot where the Notre Dame of Dadiangas University High School Department stands in our original universe.
It would stimulated that a public gathering occurs at the time of execution. The judge gives a brief justice speech, and if the condemned is a couple, the judge will conduct a mock wedding and orders the condemned to share their last vows to each other. Right after this the executioner shoves the bound condemnee/s off of the Dear Leader Rachel Sinamban's head, and as soon as he/she is pronounced dead, the audience is ordered to applause and praise the Dear Leader enthusiastically.
The corpses stays on display as the "medal" of Dear Leader Rachel Sinamban's "necklace" until sundown the next day. For the time being, the public is encouraged to engage in target practice by shooting the corpses with AK-47s from a ballistics booth on the end of the square facing the statue. If a child aged 5-18 shoots and successfully scores a hit the first time, each member of his or her family receives $100 for every younger age the child is. Therefore, an 18-year-old gets his/her family members $100 each, yet a 10-year-old earns his/her family members $900 each if s/he scores a direct hit the first time. This is why lines to these ballistics booths are so long.
If the condemned is from a smaller town, they're brought to the big city to be executed there. If the condemned is not worthy enough to be hung from the neck of our Dear Leader Rachel Sinamban's neck, the condemned couple will be hung from a lamp post outside the condemned's home. Likewise the public is encouraged to shoot on them, and when they are cut down, encourage to mutilate, defile or spit on the rotting corpses.
For a wider reach, all executions have been televised since 1961, when Mindanao Central Television was founded.
In Juche-13 2009, with the passing of the Extradition Act by the Central Committee, Mindanao intelligence, secret police and special forces units and agents are given the authority to kidnap foreign emos, particularly members and fans of emo bands such as Paramore, Secondhand Serenade and FM Static, from their countries and then extradite them to Mindanao.
Upon arrival in Mindanao, they will be detained in concentration camps. Then they are given a kangaroo trial by the State in front of an audience of thousands of people. Then the people are given the choice to execute the emo, or sentenced to public torture and then executed. The execution method for extradited foreigner emos are different from local emos.
[edit] Military
Democratic Mindanao, which is one the most militarized countries in the world, hosts one of the largest armies of South-East Asia, with an estimated strength of 1-3 million subjects. This is possible since the Mindanao People's Army is largely made up of mindless students with AK-47s voluntary young conscripts willing to use arms in defense of the Revolution and blood thirsty rioters who will shoot anyone and throw Molotov cocktails everywhere at the slightest hint of provocation.
Chosonminha also was known to possess nuclear weapons and blueprints on which how to build them, which were illegally purchased or stolen bought from North Korea. Mindanao also has nuclear self-suffieciency since it also has a nuclear reactor churning out plutonium, (Yongbyon Mindanao State Nuclear Scientific Research Center). Mindanao also illegally purchased imported several SCUD-C/D, Hwasong-5/6, from North Korea and Iraq, which were failure prone proven reliable in the field of combat.
The Mindanao People's Army spearheaded the glorious nuclear program of Democratic Mindanao, when it constructed the Yongbyon Mindanao State Nuclear Research Center to produce weapons-grade materials for nuclear weapons. It first illegally purchased acquired uranium from North Korea in Juche 14. It began producing plutonium within six months. It was also through this that Mindanao first produced tiberium.
Tiberium is a volatile, highly radioactive crystal which was produced when uranium and plutonium was refined along with phosphor, iron, calcium, silica and small amounts of commercial cesium. Due to its radioactivity it has been produced in small numbers.
In Juche 15, the Generals of the Mindanao People's Army began stealing acquiring from the former Soviet Union, plans for the Apocalypse Tank, in order to begin production of an elite super tank. The new super tank was powered by a tiberium reactor, and armed with dual 120mm. guns and protected by hardened titanium and depleted uranium. The tank, produced in small numbers, currently serves in an elite tank brigade. Allegedly, Mindanao was experimenting with it pending plans for export.
The Mindanao People's Army also has a missile arsenal composed of several SCUD Launchers imported from the GLA (Global Liberation Army) and Korea DPR. It has also started an indigenous missile program using 100% wisdom and technology together with advise from North Korean missile experts, which resulted in a localized version of the Rodong-1 Missile. Recently, a launching station in Novi Sadiola/Nova Angeliskaya revealed the zenith of Mindanao missile technology. The Pugaran-1 IRBM was developed as a nuclear capable long range missile.
[edit] Economy
Believe it or not, Mindanao is also one of the successful totalitarian states the world has known. Its command economy was planned so wisely that it succeeded as in paper, despite having to strictly sanction, reduce and control the needs of its people. By producing more, yet rationing less, the state managed to store much that it was not long until rations were raised.
[edit] Agriculture
There was no food shortage in Mindanao since it was depopulated by 15% during the Cultural Revolution, and growth was curbed by the Two-Child Policy ordained by the state recently. Many of the remaining people were forced to become farmers, and since there were less lazy, money-grubbing, shoppaholic EMO bastards who don't know how to grow their own food, agricultural production outpaced demand. And since every family were to grow a quarter of their reduced food rations, there were lots of food to eat during hard times. It is known in Mindanao that people eat more during a famine, than they did when there was none, since the regime would simply cut food rations by half during a successful harvest.
Agriculture is now mechanized in Mindanao, due to the 15% depopulation it had, and irrigation is widely used. As always, rice is the chief crop. Large rice growing centers include the Cotabato Valley, Agusan Valley and other coastal and riverside lowlands. Commercial fishing is a major industry in all parts of Mindanao, and marine products are an important export. Example of this is General Santos City at the head of Saranggani Bay, which produces large amounts of tuna viable for commercial international export. Commercial forestry is well developed, though restricted thoroughly by the state to prevent the total depletion of Mindanao's forests.
[edit] Industry
The industry of Democratic Mindanao is mostly based on heavy industry (dirty industry or ID) like iron and steel, chemical and metallurgical industries, as well as machine industries (manufacturing or IM). Early in the communist regime, the IM heavy industries were stressed on military equipment due to the focus on building a militarily-strong nation. Therefore, a major product of the heavy industry, like North Korea before it, are tanks, heavy artillery, and missiles. Mindanao loves to build missiles. Thus the IHT (high tech industry) focused on the development of ballistic missile technology acquired from North Korea and reversed engineered in Mindanao for export to countries such as Venezuela, UAE, Colombia, Laos, Cambodia and Myanmar. Another important aspect in the heavy industry (ID) lies in the production of nuclear materials in an attempt at a self-sufficient nuclear energy and weapons program.
Recently Mindanao has focused on the light industry, and now focuses partly on privately-developed small and medium consumer industries, as opposed to the massive State-owned ID and manufacturing companies. Major industrial centers are General Santos City, Davao City, Cotabato City, Butuan and Iligan Cities.
[edit] Power
Power generation in Mindanao is really diversified. Electricity in Mindanao is powered primarily by the Agus Hydroelectric plant in Lanao and the Pulangi Dam (Impangan or Saplad Pulangi), a massive dam built somewhere in the mountainous hinterlands. Electricity is also provided by the local nuclear power plant that also produces materials for the indigenous nuclear weapons program.
There are also a few thermal plants that generate electricity during the dry season. The coal-fired ones are cheaper to build and maintain, but they give out the heaviest pollution and less electricity, and so they are used sparingly. Oil-fired thermal plants are more expensive but produce more electricity, however, they still give out heavy pollution and all that oil has to be imported. Natural gas-plants are being considered, but they are more expensive and give less power than coal-fired ones.
[edit] State Merited
Similarly, since coming to power the Dear Leader has also promoted or state merited the following:
- The Sims - Why? Because everyone plays it in the computer rooms whenever the computer adviser is not around. Hell, even the adviser plays it.
- DOTA - Even if the Great General, now our Great Leader doesn't play it, it's immense popularity amongst the locals, the Dear Leader, in his generosity, has state merited DOTA for the happiness of people. The regime has already made a profit from organizing state DOTA competitions. Having DOTA as an addicting game to everyone is better than having emos, says the Dear Leader.
- Rodrigo Duterte - The mayor of Davao City, who, in his glorious iron grip leadership, has been wrongly dubbed as "The Punisher" by criminal crazy capitalist corporate consumerist colonial critics, has ushered an economic boom in Davao, and with the help of the Davao Death Squads, dropped the city's crime rate so dramatically that tourism organizations in the city claim that Davao is "the most peaceful city in Southeast Asia". Even the crazy war mongering Islamist terrorist pig-dogs are afraid to bomb Davao because of Duterte's vigilante secret police salvaging them even before they make the bombs.
[edit] Culture
All Mindanawans are required to sing, dance, and scream about the greatness of President-for-Life Gen. Mikulanec. Isn't that a great system? Although it is unclear as of the time of this writing what they will sing, dance and scream about following the demise of President-for-Life Miljan Mikulanec. The local scholar believes that the populace will then sing, dance and scream about the demise of the President-for-life, Miljan Mikulanec, but that is mere speculation.
Mindanao culture has not been altered in any way despite the Communist regime's takeover due to the Cultural Revolution, which stressed the utmost preservation of the local culture despite the bloody eradication of the EMO culture. In fact, the regime has set up a tourist spot aimed at creating a Cold War era, Stalinist-style, communist dictatorship reenactment amusement park.
Tourists delight in the spontaneous street theatre in which Mindanawans playing the part of Brigada Tawuran rioters "pretend" to beat EMO, emo symphatizers, the bourgeoisie scenesters and people who simply wear striped jackets, have one-sided bangs, have excessive eyeliners, and those who simply wear rimmed glasses for no reason, to death with folding chairs (pictured left). And vice versa, this time the target are not the Tawuran but those who have boyfriends or girlfriends.
[edit] Language
Most Mindanawans speak either Sugboanon or Hiligaynon, both seemed to be Bahasa Malaysia or Indonesia directly infused with Spanish. Both languages can be spoken in a low tone, but it is recommended that one should speak with a raised tone, especially on public speakings.
Unbeknownst to idiot Emos, most languages in Democratic Mindanao has it's own dialect of Bisaya, Maranaw and Korean. Their languages sometimes have harsh, aggressive and awe-inspiring tones.
Indigenous Mindanawan Phrases:
- Hello-Amrokaya mawlay?- What do you want?
- Goodbye- Liyazhimil mubarizun!- Get off
- Say Hello to that Emo - Ekhtorepuhun!- Kill him!
- How are you? - Hayatun hadi atum tam tabr!- What crap antics that I don't care about have you been up to lately?
Bisaya phrases:
- Hello - Maayong adlawa!
(to Emo) - Gago ka!
- Goodbye - Ayaw'g balik!
- How are you? - Unsang katarantaduhan wala ko'y kalibutan ang imong kakursunadahan niini?
- I love you (vulgar) - Litsugas ning buanga ni!/ Wakal-wakal dara gahod pa ka ulol!
- I love you (proper) - MAAAANSSSEEE!!! MAAAAAANSSSEEEE!!! MAAAAANSSSSEEEE!!!!
- I like your emo-punk outfit - Pugaran nga Emo! Ikaw man akong kilawon karon gutom raba ko!
- Long time no see! (to emo) - Naa naman sad ka niini? Diba gitagak naman tika didto sa atabay?
Recently, the common Mindanaw language has added a magical word, MANSE, which was taken from North Korean. It literally means 10,000 years and commonly means long live. The former word was eliminated for no reason. The regime thought MANSE will be a great adulation word, after seeing thousands of North Koreans screaming the same word over and over and over again, sometimes hundreds of times.
[edit] Media
Media in Mindanao is one of the most unusual in the world. There are two kinds of media in Mindanao, the press and television or radio. The Ministry of Information (Minitrue), the Department of Internal Media (DepInMed) and the Department of Self-Censorship control the media in Democratic Mindanao.
[edit] The Press
There are a few newspapers published in Mindanao. Most are produced by Minitrue, and are published in Bisaya, Hiligaynon, Maguindanawan and Maranao. Foreign newspapers include North Korea's Rodong Sinmun, which are distributed to the local populace, and the Manila newspapers the Daily Inquirer and the STAR which are both in English and distributed to government officials.
Democratic Mindanao's main newspapers are the Spire (English) and Tugatog (Filipino), which are published by Minitrue, Mindanao Central News Agency and the Mindanao State University. The newspapers are typically 8-10 pages.
- First Page - are usually about news in Mindanao
- Second Page - news about the Dear Leader. (The latter usually will be praising the Dear Leader and the Orde Baru.)
- Third Page - Educational materials on communism, morality, socialism, the Orde Baru and the Pancasilahis
- Fourth Page - National (the rest of the Philippines) and International News, as well as the weather forecast.
- Fifth Page - Business and economic reports and news on Mindanao, the Philippines, and the world
- Sixth Page - Condemnation on the EMO cult and varsity basketball players
- Seventh Page - Condemnation on teenage lovers, couples, and defectors of the student intellect proletariat
- Eighth Page - Condemnation on hip-hop, gangsta culture and others
The last pages always contain diatribes and even profanities about the EMOs and the "degenerates" mentioned above. The newspapers will sometimes extend to 10 pages on special days for special pages. On some random auspicious days, the newspapers will also extend the number of pages for additional diatribes.
[edit] Television
Television in Mindanao is generally referred to as peasantvision, since even peasants or city dwellers alike with a television can receive it. There are 4 Peasantvision stations in Democratic Mindanao, the Mindanao Central Television (TV-5), the Korean Central Television (TV-4) and regional stations of the Manila-based ABS-CBN and GMA-7.
The Mindanao Central Television station is the main news broadcaster in Democratic Mindanao. A unique feature is that the newscasters speak in a fashion even more bombastic than GMA-7's Mike Enriquez weird accent, since they all speak Bisaya or Hiligaynon in a really strange and scary accent which involves nearly screaming, speaking really fast and in a constant high tone. Hearing spit flying out of the announcers mouth into the mic is commonplace.
Manila-based stations ABS-CBN and GMA-7 also broadcasts in Mindanao, through it's partially State-controlled regional stations. They usually broadcast regime-sanctioned programs such as Wowowee and Eat Bulaga. The only foreign news station available to the general populace is North Korea's Central Television, which is generally the Korean language clone of Mindanao Central Television. Mindanao Central Television and KCTV are broadcast from the capital New P'yongyang (General Santos City)
International news agencies such as BBC, CNN, NBC, NHK; as well as other foreign stations can be accessed through cable. However, to have cable TV instead of PV or peasantvision, one must require special permission from the police and the local government. High ranking government officials do not need such requirements, since it would be redundant. Recently, New P'yongyang residents with peasantvision, as well as in Saranggani province began receiving TV broadcasts from Indonesia. Authorities did not mitigate this problem even though it was a breach of the peasantvision blockade, since Indonesia is an allied nation.
With the rise of emo culture and corruptive shows such as High School Musical, Disney Channel was prohibited under law from the Supreme People's Assembly of GSCHS, as well as the National Defense Commission of MSU. Receiving of foreign broadcasts with references to emo culture is now punishable by hard labor, imprisonment, reeducation and death.
[edit] Radio
Democratic Mindanao radio is literally stuck in the 1980's. Listen to AM and you get some programs that are praising the achievements of the regime, news broadcasts, and old-school romantic dramas that would send the average teenager to an agonizing death. There are also debate shows, like Pressing Issues, hosted by the multi-award winning Maurice Chavez, in which panelists are placed to sabong amongst themselves in an attempt to "press the issue".
Listen to FM, and you get music from the 80's. Like country music, old-school electrifying rock, 80's latin jazz, soft and urban music at night, and the songs praising the regime. The FM stations also broadcasts 1960's Beatles, 1970's and 1980 's disco (i.e. YMCA - Village People), old romantic Bisayan songs, and of course, SimCity 3000 Music. There is nothing which caters to the teenage popular culture. The regime, in it's love of Cuban style latin music, opened a radio station recently that plays latin jazz and salsa. The emo in Mindanao, deprived of his/her ability to listen to emo and romance music, usually dies within 1 week of being brainwashed in Mindanao music.
