Democratic Republic of the Congo
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“Nothing is wrong here. Those photos of mutilated rubber workers are doctored.”
~ King Leopold II of Belgium on the Congo Free State (1867-1958)
“It's like a zoo you get killed at!”
~ Democratic Republic of the Congo Tourism Pamphlet
“Welcome to my country”
~ Dr. Congo
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| Motto: Viol, Guerre, Mort | |||||
| Anthem: "Congo, not Bongo!" | |||||
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| Capital | Kinshasa | ||||
| Largest city | Kinshasa | ||||
| Official languages | French, Kikongo, Lingala, Swahili and Tshiluba | ||||
| Government | Several | ||||
| National Hero(es) | Robo-Leopold II, Arthur Weber, Luke Strauss BRAPPPP!!!! | ||||
| Declaration of Formation | 1997 | ||||
| Currency | Child prostitute | ||||
| Religion | Civil war | ||||
| Population | Dwindling as we speak | ||||
| Major exports | death, disease | ||||
| Major imports | coffins | ||||
| National animal | Vulture | ||||
| Favourite pastime | Genocide | ||||
The Democratic Republic Of Congo, also known as "The Country Formerly Known as Zaire", is a large African country located in Africa. Unlike the Republic of the Congo, the The Democratic Republic Of Congo is Democratic. It is the happiest and shiniest country on Earth. Nothing is wrong here at all.
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[edit] Politics
The Democratic Republic Of Congo is ruled by President Kaalaaballaaiaa, who was elected in 2004 with a massive 96% of the popular vote. This was a very democratic election, with every male aged over 16 allowed to vote. This was only President Kaalaaballaaiaa and his brother Maallaaaiaris. The reasoning for the 96% total from two votes is the current innumeracy rate, which stands at 126%. President Kaalaaballaaiaa follows a fairly liberal policy (for the region) and has only executed 13,000,000 dissidents in the past month. Vice President Mallaaaiaris is in overall charge of the military, but is general loyal to his brother except for that time he tried to kill him. On November 27, 2006, he was confirmed as the first Congolese President to be democratically elected by universal direct suffrage. Direct suffrage (or sufferage) is the amount people in the Congo have directly suffered.
Many immigrants from Ghana frequently visit the prosperous land of the Congo. They like to steal their crop and direct Red Cross lorries from the Congo to Ghana. TThe big fence does not stopn the Ghanains from entering the Congo.
He role has been threatened by a band of animals living in the jungles of The Democratic Republic Of Congo. They insist that the lion is "King Of The Jungle" and must therefore rule the entire country. President Kaalaaballaaiaa insists that the lion can only have a ceremonial role in the government, to maintain its democratic status.
[edit] Demographics
At the last census, the total population of The Democratic Republic Of Congo was counted as 3. Most international observers put this surprisingly low figure down to the aforementioned innumeracy rate. Of these three people, one was a black African male, one was a black African female and one was a lion. From these statistics, it would be estimated that 33.333% of country are male, 33.333% are female and 33.333% are lions.
One observer Mr Nelson Mandela has decreed that this cannot be correct statistics, as there are at least 5 monkeys in the jungle of The Democratic Republic Of Congo. He's seen them.
Also, did you know that if a donkey and a zebra have a baby its called a zeedonk. This is true, even ask Gracie.
[edit] Geography
The entirety of The Democratic Republic Of Congo is covered in a thick dense jungle, usually only seen cartoons or Tarzan. There might be hills and mountains and stuff, but no body can see because all the trees and plants get in the way.
[edit] Um Bongo AKA The Economy
The entire economy of the Democratic Republic Of Congo relies on export and resale of popular fruit based fruit drink Um Bongo. This drink, beloved of British school children, was invented by a hippo. The hippo originally just used three fruits: apricot, guava, mango. After the drink got it's name thanks to a brilliant advertising executive rhino, more ingredients were suggested by a plethora of animals. For instance the python added a passion fruit, to suit his more reptilian tastes, and the marmoset added a mandarin, to increase levels of vitamin C. The marmoset was subsequently eaten by the python. Currently all packaging for Um Bongo is painted by a team of specially trained parrots.
Recently many animal rights douchebags have been complaining about the sweatshop conditions these assorted animals are forced to work in to create this delicious drink. Luckily President Kaalaaballaaiaa had them shot before they could cause any problems, and the entire country joined in rejoicing, one commenting "HAHA LOLZ!!!11!!".
[edit] Monarchy
The Congo's monarchy is headed by Chief Wombassa Obojo Del Um Bongo IV, who took over on the 1/2/08. His ruling has brought about the change of many laws and now allows people to walk on two legs again without running. Also the new airport has been named in his honour but budget cuts have meant that he had to choose between his name on the entrance and the construction of the airport runway. The Chief chose the name.Chief Wombassa Obojo Del Um Bongo IV lives with the rest of the Royal Congo family in the outskirts of the city of Chief Wombassa Obojo Del Um Bongo IV. He lives in one of the few remaining elephant built mansions in the whole of the Congo.
[edit] Military
These are estimates based on satellite surveillance and pure hearsay.
[edit] Army
- 10000 child soldiers equipped with sticks and rocks
- 2 drunks with machetes
[edit] Navy
- 1 raft with very sharp sticks attached
- 4 hippos
- three big pokey and lolo
[edit] Airforce
- 200 bats trained to bite people
- 10000 mosquitoes trained to carry AIDS
[edit] Diplomacy
Ha! You're very funny!
[edit] Allies
[edit] Enemies
[edit] External Links
| North Africa | Algeria · Egypt · France · Libya · Morocco · Sudan · Tunisia · Turkish Empire · Western Sahara | 
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| West Africa | Benin · Burkina Faso · Côte d'Ivoire · Ghana · Old Guinea · Guinea-Bissau · Library · Bob Marley · Mauritania · Niger · Nigeria · Senegal · Sierra Leone · Togo | |
| Central Africa | Angola · Cameroon · Belgium · Central African Republic · Chad · Democratic Republic of the Congo · Equatorial Guinea · Grab On · Republic of the Congo | |
| East Africa | Burundi · To Boogy · Eritrea · Ethiopia · Kenya · Madagascar · Malawi · Mauritius · Mozambique · Rwanda · Seychelles by the Seashore · Somalia · Tanzania · Uganda · West Kenya · Zambia · Rhodesia | |
| Southern Africa | Botswana · Gowandaland · Lesotho · Namibia · People's Glorious Republic of Uukumbamabahalarata · South Africa · Swaziland · Zululand· Zimbawe (AKA Rodhesia) | |
| Our Benevolent Ruler and Another One | United Kingdom : Gibraltar · Indian Ocean Territory · Isle of Wight · Welsh Congo (Pitcairn Islands) |
