Demeter

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Demeter1

Demeter out gardening in her bra-free human form as Charlie Dimmock.

“Who wants to see my dirty carrots?”
~ Demeter
“Excuse the smell, I'm composting”
~ Demeter

Demeter had a distinctive earthy sense of fun. This Olympian goddess was in charge of all things agricultural, she was the deity who gave the world suggestive carrots and pornographic turnips. She was the one you asked for blessings on a bumper harvest and orchards groaning under the weight of ripe pears.

What she wasn't was an intellectual or bothered about propriety. Demeter wandered the Earth, dispensing agricultural advice and showing the best way to grow runner beans. Overtime she generally neglected her appearance and was the complete opposite of her haughty sister Hera. Demeter preferred to go out alone in the guise of a bag lady. Treat her well and you will making fresh bread. Treat her badly and you'll be living on weeds.

edit Family

Like Hera and her sister Hestia, they were obviously second best to the boys in the family. Hera got Zeus but the master God also got round to sleeping with Demeter (whether before or after the marriage to Hera isn't known). From that brief relationship Demeter had the daughter known as either Kore or Persephone (the first bipolar goddess). Hades - spurned by Demeter - instead grabbed hold of Persephone and made her Queen of the Underworld under the name of Kate Beckinsale.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Demeter.

Demeter was upset with Hades and cursed the earth so that nothing grew. Seeing this as a public relations disaster, Zeus intervened and eventually a deal was struck. Persephone was allowed out from hell for eight months of the year but had to return over winter. Demeter grudgingly accepted the deal and bought herself a fresh pair of gardening boots.

Her other brother Poseidon took a physical interest in Demeter. The salty sea god eventually got his way with Demeter in the shape of a horse. The couple are said to have produced the usual range of monsters and freaks of nature. Certainly nothing heroic!

edit Other Legends

Demeter was capable of going 'overboard' at parties. These were the few occasions she would turn up smelling of roses instead of manure. At one particular party to celebrate the marriage of Harmonia and Cadmus, Demeter met Iasion. He was a smooth talking Greek bachelor with an interest in horticulture. Demeter suggested they go for a walk over a muddy field whilst everyone else was getting drunk. Back in her natural element, Demeter threw Iasion to the ground and jumped on top of him. Apollo (or more likely a snitching nymph) saw all this and told Zeus. He killed Iasion with a shotgun...sorry, a thunderbolt. If anyone was going to have his sister, it would be only him or his brothers.

edit Ceres

The Romans called her Ceres, Goddess of Smack, Crack and Poppers.


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