Demeter out gardening in her bra-free human form as Charlie Dimmock.

“Who wants to see my dirty carrots?”
~ Demeter
“Excuse the smell, I'm composting”
~ Demeter

Demeter had a distinctive earthy sense of fun. This Olympian goddess was in charge of all things agricultural, she was the deity who gave the world suggestive carrots and pornographic turnips. She was the one you asked for blessings on a bumper harvest and orchards groaning under the weight of ripe pears.

What she wasn't was an intellectual or bothered about propriety. Demeter wandered the Earth, dispensing agricultural advice and showing the best way to grow runner beans. She generally neglected her appearance and preferred to wear wellington boots than Grecian sandals. She was a complete contrast to her younger sisters the virgin-arsonist Hestia and haughty Hera. Demeter preferred to go out alone in the guise of a bag lady. Treat her well and you will making fresh bread. Treat her badly and you'll be living on weeds.


For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Demeter.

Like her sisters, Demeter experienced plenty of lecherous attention from her fellow male Olympians. Zeus and Poseidon gained carnal knowledge of Demeter and both claimed paternity when Demeter's only daughter Persephone was born. Zeus called her 'Percy' whist Poseidon preferred 'Kore' (no reason given). Persephone was a complete contrast to her mother and that gained her the attention of Hell's most eligible bachelor in the shape of Hades. He claimed Persephone was 'gagging for it' and hated her mother's horticultural take on life. She wanted to go out and night and play. Hades offered her plenty of 'night' and then grabbed Persephone for a trip to hell.

Persephone and made her Queen of the Underworld under the name of Kate Beckinsale.She remained beautiful but in hell, her face was frozen into a Melania Trump rictus smile. Demeter was upset with Hades and cursed the earth so that nothing grew. Seeing this as a public relations disaster, Zeus intervened and eventually a deal was struck. Persephone was allowed out from hell for eight months of the year but had to return over winter. Demeter grudgingly accepted the deal and bought herself a fresh pair of gardening boots.

Her other brother Poseidon took a physical interest in Demeter. The salty sea god eventually got his way with Demeter in the shape of a horse. The couple are said to have produced the usual range of monsters and freaks of nature. Certainly nothing heroic!

Other LegendsEdit

Demeter was capable of going 'overboard' at parties. These were the few occasions she would turn up smelling of roses instead of manure. At one particular party to celebrate the marriage of Harmonia and Cadmus, Demeter met Iasion. He was a smooth talking Greek bachelor with an interest in horticulture. Demeter suggested they go for a walk over a muddy field whilst everyone else was getting drunk. Back in her natural element, Demeter threw Iasion to the ground and jumped on top of him. Apollo (or more likely a snitching nymph) saw all this and told Zeus. He killed Iasion with a shotgun...sorry, a thunderbolt. If anyone was going to have his sister, it would be only him or his brothers.


The Romans called her Ceres, Goddess of Smack, Crack and Poppers.