Dell

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Dell hell

The DIOS boot screen by Dell

Dell is a company founded in 1884 after some bored farmer created a machine to help The Farmer in the Dell. They currently make personal computers that explode randomly, making it a terrorist's choice of bomb. Note that Dells are made in China by Foxconn, the best factory in the world, they even employ children, of course all of this comes at a premium DELL price.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dell.

Consumer Warning

Purchasing from Dell may result in broken products, bad customer service, dropped service calls, worthless warantees, and Indian people whom speak broken English whilst refusing to solve your problem without threatening their jobs. Dell Laptops may spontaneously combust and burn your testicles while you are viewing midget porn.

History

On August 6, 1884, some old farmer was really bored and decided to throw a bunch of old tractor parts together and plug them in. He was hoping to create some sort of primitive electric sexual device. After plugging the "sexual device" in, he noticed that the porn shop down the street had it's days numbered. The farmer then discovered MySpace and became a shitty poet and listened to emo music. Anyways.... after this, some skinny, blonde dude took notice and decided to chant around town but he then got caught on the pot. Long story short, fuck everyone.

Today

Unfortunately, Dell is no more. In the 1990s, the second coming of Hitler saw the takeover of Dell by the all glorious Packard Bell corporation and no longer was Windows an option but everyone was forced to use a Microsoft Bob lookalike. However, all was well after the evil Packard Bell was sued into oblivion by the RIAA for selling something that can make sounds and Hitler himself brutally butraped by Rambus for selling a device that has microchips in it. Now, mainstream society has newspapers and that scrambled channel on the TV that sometimes has decent audio and every few seconds, a boob flashes. The internet is now populated by four people named Greg. Every now and then, they make an attempt at writing unfunny articles.

Recent Announcements

01/01/07

Dell CEO Mr A.Hitler sadly resigns from personally defecating in all new system's due to ill health and announced that this task will be outsourced to foreign workers fed a diet of corn and pigs blood.

10/09/06

As of 10/09/06 Dell has announced that it it will be shipping all new systems with a sizable quantity of cyanide placed in a dell style PEZ dispenser. this new strategy has reputably increased sales 20% and consumer erections by 15.25%.

6/16/10

QVC has independently verified Dell personal computers to be the best computers available for internet pornography. Their short lived high performance hardware is exelent for the average male user to use them for up to a full month of pornography before it explodes (as a method of both hiding data and stopping the pop-ups of nude squirrels from leaking out of the towers access panel). [The Porn To Prove It Still Needed] [1]

Troubleshooting

Dell computers are unique in that in order to troubleshoot with them you must physcially beat the meat. It seems crazy, but trust us on this one, some type of physical damage must be dealt on a Dell in order to return it to it's fully functional capacity.

A few good ways to troubleshoot

Easyasdell

Troubleshooting made easy

  • Throw it out your home's second story window
  • Throw it out of a plane and bomb the hell out of earth
  • Computer at the office? Take the elevator to the top floor, go to the stairwell, go up and out onto the roof and drop.
  • Take it to the middle of a field and beating it with all your might is a good way to fix your problems.
    • an example of this was seen in Office Space, although the printer was not a Dell, the same technique applies.
  • Bring it to a gun range and unload into it. The Bullets allow for more connectivity between circuits meaning faster connections.
  • Golf clubs handy? Great! Take it outside and practice your driving skills on it. (WARNING: may 'cause serious damage to good golf-clubs. Any damages done to clubs is completely your fault and you've never heard of Uncyclopedia, this article, or the recent editors of this article. If you have indeed heard of this article, uncyclopedia and/or it's editors, especially me, they are not at fault for any of your artardic actions. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!)
  • Lawnmowers are particuaryly useful in this endevor, much like fixing an I-pod in a blender, a lawnmower returns the hardware to it's original state.
  • Driving a steam-roller over a Dell: helps when your Dell gives you the "Blue Screen of Death."
  • Leaving it in a porta-jon to soak over night is usually a good way to fix your Dell. The diaretic marination permeates into your motherboard and adds an extra megabyte of RAM magically to your computer. Scientists believe this is because Dell's are made of crap and so are returned to their natural element by being placed in the glory-hole that is a porta-jon.
  • Light it on fire, that's simple enough. Everyone knows that you boil water in order to get rid of the viruses and bacteria, why not you computer?

Bad ways to troubleshoot

  • Call Dell Support. They will not take your call, in fact they will ask to put you on hold and place bets to see how long you will stay on before you hang-up. It's a fun joke to them.
  • Use the built in Help and Support section of your computer. This is an utterly horrible tool. There is no hope for this program. It will trouble shoot your computer into the 1800's and you'll be running on a giant Hamster wheel before you realize that you've been duped. (If this does happen to you please do post a picture it would be quite hilarious)

Products

Exploding Laptop

Exploding Laptops are a new project by Dell to test combonations of batteries and spontaneous combustion to create a lapbomb. Several success stories have been posted to the internet, including reports of an exploding laptop at a conference in Japan. It has also been learned that Dell has known about faulty, dud, exploding laptops for years before finally providing a replacement for them.

it is known that lebanese Hezbollah is in posession of several Dell Lapbombs, making it difficult for the UN to find nations for disarming the Hizbollah.

They've also introduced a new concept, in which if you have your laptop on your lap you will get sterilised.

They also make great gifts for your enemies friends!

"How do you break a Dell? Look at it"

"Hallo, Dell customer service team, how may we piss you off today?"

"Have a break, have a different pc."


See also

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