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|Empress of America, Duchess of Arkansas, Queen of New York|
|Reign||Perpetual; only the office changes|
|Consort||No one currently admits to sleeping with her|
“I did not have sexual relations with that woman.”
Hillary Clinton, also known as Hillary Rodham Clinton or Hillary Rodham, or on bumper stickers as just Hillary! depending on how ex-President Bill Clinton is polling that week, is a U.S. politician, former First "Lady," and the only Secretary of State who had to be replaced by John Kerry.
Hillary Clinton is the utterly likable and completely unavoidable nominee of the Democratic Party for U.S. President in 2016, a campaign for which she has adopted slogans such as, "I'm the next best thing to Bill!" and "Vote for me and get Bill free!"
Hillary was born in Chicago, Illinois, on October 26, 1947, the daughter of a small businessman and a smaller homemaker, neither of whom is the clear source of those large thighs. Many journalists believe Hillary was named after Sir Edmund Hillary, who would go on to be someone people had heard of when he climbed Mount Everest — mostly, those journalists who take Hillary at her word. However, the fact is that she was instead named after Hilary Duff, and her parents doubled the "l" for "teh llullz."
The household was politically conservative and even influenced by Barry Goldwater. Unfortunately, she fell in with the Rockefeller wing — hardly Methodist and, on most issues, strictly agnostic — and later settled on Saul Alinsky, America's clearest exponent (after Karl Marx) of the idea that the ends justify the means, whose manual on ruthlessness informed the nation's lawyers no less than its pre-schoolers.
At Wellesley College, she wrote a thesis that Wikipedia calls "a critique of Alinsky's tactics." As one's thesis has to weigh both sides if one wants to graduate, indeed there are probably a few paragraphs that criticize Alinsky. The reader can decide for himself by reading the thesis — only, the reader cannot, as Wellesley, under pressure from the Clinton White House, restricted access to it — a technique that would surely be studied, years later, as Barack Obama displayed brilliance at Columbia and Harvard that no one seems to remember, and left no trail of publications despite becoming President of the Law Review.
Which side of the Alinsky thing Hillary came down on might be answered by her graduation ceremony. She finished not as valedictorian but as runner-up, a result that did not merit a chance to give a commencement speech. Hillary got a proposed speech pre-cleared, and then instead gave a rabble-rousing performance that slammed previous speakers and made Adolf Hitler sit up in his grave in Paraguay. Hillary's destiny in government was now a lock, and the only uncertainty was why anyone would trust her as far as they could throw her, which, these days, is not far.
However, any amorality suggested by Hillary's early life is superseded by the amorality suggested by her later life.
Arkansas years (1975-1992)
Whatever secret agreement Hillary may have had with Bill Clinton to share power back-and-forth forever, something about being a big fish in a small pond rather than a small fish in a big pond induced the couple to move to the intellectual eaves-trough of Arkansas. The two married in 1975 in an obscure village called Snake's Hips. Bill began climbing the corporate ladder while Hillary baked cupcakes and activist lawsuits. Hillary kept her maiden name because "it showed me that I was still me," though it showed Arkansans that the husband of such a woman is a pussy.
Nevertheless, Arkansas elected Bill the Pussy General and the couple moved to the capital, Bugtustle. Hillary joined the Rose Law Firm, which she would go on to put "on the map," setting the Guinness record for scandals. She tried few cases but in 1978 (shortly after Bill became Governor), Hillary was promoted to partner of the firm. She out-earned Bill, which made up the mind of any Southerner not already convinced by his inability to get his wife to take his surname.
But no Arkansan ever begrudges the First Couple a little honest graft, and the Clintons fell in with the Whitewater Development Corporation, an arrangement to put riverfront building lots in the hands of a large number of ordinary people ("everyday Americans," as Hillary would later call them), until the first Everyday that they missed a monthly payment.
Hillary parlayed a $1,000 investment in cattle futures into $100,000 in ten months. She said her secret was to read the Wall Street Journal and to be the smartest woman in America, but a secret of equal value was to rely on brokers who held off on declaring whether each position was a purchase or a sale until it was time to unwind it.
First "Lady" (1993-2001)
Hillary's service as First "Lady" gave many White House staffers a glimpse into her character (despite the standing order that no one was to glimpse at her). Most had never seen more accurate throwing of ash trays during marital spats.
The 1992 Presidential campaign featured many "bimbo eruptions." This had nothing to do with acne on the face of a certain famous clown; rather, these were made-up charges that loose women (also known as floozies or bimbos, and including a few trollops) were bothering Bill and trying to distract him from penetrating the American psyche. Hillary took charge in beating back these bimbos.
Although she had previously declared that she was not some ordinary housewife "baking cookies and standing behind my man" — to quote American sociologist Tammy Wynette — her role in the bimbo eruptions led her to appear with Bill on 60 Minutes and describe to Judge Wapner the "pain in our marriage." The resulting sympathy turned the tide in the 1992 election, at the minor cost of two decades of progress in feminism.
Once safely inside the White House, President Clinton assigned Hillary the job of "fixing the health care system." The nation got its first glimpse of the skills that a pair of Arkansas lawyers would bring to the job of governance (not to mention surgery), as it is illegal both for people to do government jobs for free and for a President to slip a non-employee a wad of cash. It was just as illegal for someone to act like a Cabinet secretary without meeting with the U.S. Senate. Happily, concern over these irregularities took attention completely off what was going on in Hillary's "task forces" and who was on them.
Hillary proposed a massive system where the government would own all the hospitals and doctors and everyone would get everything for free until it ran out. "Hillary-care" was laughed out of Congress, but Hillary would get the last laugh, as the failure to pass Hillary-care led to an economic boom that Bill took credit for.
Hillary understood the Republicans' mind [sic]; and sure enough, their take on her plan to give away free stuff was to ask why they did not have their own plan to give away free stuff. The Koch Brothers devised a "gentler approach" that would eventually become Romney-care and then Obama-care. The reason it is gentler is that the website doesn't work, and that it uses the IRS rather than storm troopers (for now).
Tragically, her time in the White House left Hillary "dead broke" and with trouble making the payments on her homes. For one thing, she had to pay cash for the 800 FBI files with dirt on her adversaries that mysteriously wound up in the West Wing. It cost her more to lure Craig Livingstone away from his job as a bar bouncer to manage White House security, and he wanted hefty tips for every single constituent he roughed up. Nor did it come cheap to have Vince Foster moved to Fort Marcy Park and laid out under a tree, his arms neatly at his side, after his handgun "suicide."
The fact that the Republican opposition politicized every little thing led to other extreme costs, a couple of which came out of Hillary's personal funds. Understandably, she has spent much of the time since the White House years trying to cover this large deficit in her personal finances with her only asset: her gift of public speaking, earning tens of thousands of dollars from industry groups and enemy governments who cannot find any other speaker quite as shrill.
Return to private life
The Clintons bought yet another home, in Chappaqua, New York, and settled into ordinary married life — a marriage where Hillary would be free to scheme about a follow-on campaign, as New York is always receptive to yet another left-wing candidate originally from somewhere else; and Bill would be free to pursue another Canadian rack-of-ribs.
Return to public life
Before you could shake a broomstick at it, a seat freed up in the U.S. Senate and Hillary announced her candidacy. Rep. Rick Lazio was her opponent in 2000, and all anyone remembers about him is striding across the stage to hand Hillary a "campaign pledge" to sign. The Media was incredulous that a strong, independent woman such as Hillary could essentially be raped on live television.
Rep. Lazio was defeated, 55%-to-43%, and even now has to check in with police everywhere he moves, and wear an ankle bracelet like any other sex offender. Hillary's election to the Senate was thus another giant step forward toward equal treatment of women, whereas Lazio, in a mere two more decades, will become the senior and most venerated of Manhattan's squeegee men.
In the Senate, waiting (2001-2009)
After the campaign ended and all the records about being the first woman this-or-that rattled to a stop and were quiet, like so many quarters that failed to reach the shot glass, Hillary prepared for a productive life as a Senator despite authoring even fewer bills than she had written lawsuits back at Rose. However, there were always problems:
- Her election to the Senate had not kept George W. Bush out of the White House. Despite leaving most of his neurons in Texas, he was a master of the photo-op and staged event, and continued to draw more publicity than the Junior Senator from New York.
- Less than two years later, there was the small matter of the September 11 attacks. Suddenly, the nation wanted a military response and there was no time for weightier matters like trying again to gum up health care. All Hillary could do was vote for the Iraq War and the Patriot Act, and bide her time until her party devised a reason they were both Bush's fault.
In her second Senate term, she was against the Iraq "surge" and called Gen. Petraeus a liar, long before that became fashionable. Despite this, Petraeus got the troops needed to end the war in Iraq and turn it into a relatively manageable drumbeat of terrorist attacks.
2008 Presidential campaign (2008)
Hillary would have told New York voters she intended to finish out her second term. We just don't know, as key records are missing. However, on the first day of her second six years, she formed a committee to run for President.
Winning in 2008 was vital. If she failed, then in 2012 she would have to give up Senate re-election to try for President — unlike lucky bastards like Paul Ryan. Moreover, if a Democrat won in 2008, Hillary would have to respectfully sit out 2012 and, already most of the way toward frumpy, she would be flirting with overt senility (not that Reagan didn't make even that work).
So, after decades of swatting away mosquitoes in Arkansas, being cuckolded on national TV from Washington, exposing herself as a policy flop, lying, stealing files, and destroying evidence for That Hussy, she called in all the chits for a desperate run at the Presidency. And indeed, she led in all the polls, and everywhere else until people actually had to vote. She wowed them in New Hampshire after showing she could cry on command, just like Bill (which, oddly, had not gone over well in 1972 when Ed Muskie had tried it).
It seemed that nothing could go wrong now. The only competitor was John Edwards — only, no newspaper other than the National Enquirer was covering his love child, use of campaign funds as hush money, and abandoned, cancer-stricken wife. Also some black guy, who Bill said "a few years ago, would have been fetching us coffee." Bill, hailed as "the first black President" for the number of times he was in trouble with the law, now began driving away African American votes in
droves Sorry, lots of them.
Then, in March 2008, Hillary had to admit that she had not, as claimed, flown through sniper fire landing at Tuzla, Bosnia; those bullets were in fact just large hailstones. A scandal that did not touch Geraldo Rivera or Brian Williams (much) ruined Hillary's chances — because of America's persistent hatred of All Womyn. Worst of all, Hillary was forced to attend the convention, applaud politely, and shift her posture to make less conspicuous the large number of knives that had been stuck in her back.
Secretary of State (2009-2013)
It got worse than that, when the Dark Lord stepped forward and offered to remove the knives himself. On the time-honored theory of "keeping your friends close and your enemies closer," Hillary joined the Obama cabinet. The two shared a hate of anything any American does without their help, and a love of collecting dirt on their adversaries, while scrubbing their own dirt until there are scratch-marks on the hard disk. The job also kept Hillary in Washington in case something better freed up.
The quandary that the two would now be collecting dirt on each other, Hillary neatly solved by setting up an email server in the barn on the Back Forty of her Chappaqua home, from which she ran the entire State Department. An added benefit was that Congress could never see her official emails, though Wikileaks could. And no one, even Obama, thought it strange that State Department emails did not come from
The biggest challenge in America's diplomatic corps was Obama's desire to "reach out to Islam" as only a transformational healer could — say, by sending a gay Ambassador to Libya. Ambassador Stevens repeatedly wired in that it would be nice to fortify the embassy and consulates. Perhaps a couple of salvage Jeeps parked in front of the gate to impede smash-and-grab hostage-takings. Unfortunately, the only spare funds in the budget had already been used, at the embassy in Switzerland, to replace the entire motor pool with Priuses.
Things soon got worse. Stevens made an impromptu trip to Benghazi, despite the poor security, ostensibly to kick off a Middle East tour by rock band AC/DC, but probably also to find out whether weapons the U.S. sent into the wrong hands had fallen into other wrong hands, and to buy them back with the large wad of cash he carried. Damned if an impromptu, rag-tag bunch of impoverished Benghazi youth stormed the consulate, as always carrying their professionally lettered English-language protest signs and shoulder-fired missile launchers. Stevens was killed, along with a consular aide and two CIA guys who came to buy them time against the mobs until the imminent arrival of U.S. rescue planes.
Worse still, Obama's first term was ending, the Republicans had nominated someone you could almost like (if you had a trust fund), and he had just whupped Obama in a debate, though he would soon realize that such antics were beneath him. The election was on a knife-edge and Obama did not want to hear about "that Benghazi shit" as he had a big fundraising trip to Las Vegas the next day, where the golf is good and probably the cocaine.
Aides left at the White House tried to figure a way to save the Administration from itself, between bouts of surfing the web for porn. Someone (records of the entire day are curiously missing) had the brainstorm that, if young Libyans found the same YouTube channel (for which the State Department had apologized, the day before the attack), they would get angry enough at the United States to do unspeakable things, such as the unspeakable things they had just done. Hillary, along with Ambassador Susan Rice and the Big Guy himself, ran a week-long road show apologizing to the U.N. and the Islamic world for free speech in America, and just like that, Obama had another four years to try to undo America's harms.
In 2013, Hillary sized up the situation and resigned from the Department of State, leaving Obama to nominate John Kerry. Why the long face?
Hillary, again untethered from the public payroll, retreated to Chappaqua. The solitude was off-putting, as her ostensible husband was out giving speeches and chasing skirts. But before crocheting a single pot-holder, she took a quiet moment to assess her accomplishments as Secretary of State:
- She had amassed more frequent-flier miles than Henry Kissinger.
- She had given the Rooskis a fine gift (pictured), assuming the lettering meant what it was supposed to mean. (This refers to the "Reset button" and not the gifts of Georgia and the Crimea.)
- She had carried out Obama's orders to retreat from Iraq, which would be an accomplishment, assuming that the Iraqis strapped on their hard-hats and got back to work in the oil field. Unfortunately, though their hard-hats were strapped on, they were in the other room, along with their heads, when the ISIS forces took over town after town.
- Arabia was in flames, its leaders were annoyed at America for nagging them about women's rights, the Caliphate was advancing, Russia was eating Ukraine and the Baltics and was asking what was the Main Course, North Korea was taking America's money but launching missiles anyway, and China was flexing its muscles. It was a world in line with Obama's first inaugural speech, where he said, "America is an exceptional nation. Of course, Peru thinks it is too, probably."
- Most importantly, however, she had weaved the web of deceit that got her boss re-elected, and the only assumption that took is that the American voter is a dope.
Sizing up Hillary's career, she was not the first female Secretary of State (following Albright and Condo), nor probably the first female First Lady. However, she does hold the record for most public offices achieved by virtue of being the wife of someone famous. NOW was ready to award her its prestigious Sleeping Herself to the Top award, but Hillary tactfully declined it.
Hillary is also without peer as the most publically unwanted wife in America — Monica Lewinsky being merely the most notoriously discarded mistress. And they both signed book deals.
The introspection took five whole minutes, after which Hillary began scheming to capture the Oval Office and get rid of Obama's shag carpets, hookahs, and portraits of Malcolm X, with a minimum of additional scandals and corpses along the way.
2016 Presidential campaign (1975-2016)
No sooner did Hillary announce her candidacy, however, than the hardcover book Clinton Cash came out. It documented the uncanny way in which honoraria for speeches, book deals, and spontaneous contributions to the Clinton Family Foundation coincided with decisions at the Department of State to green-light projects such as Russia's acquisition of 20% of America's uranium. It described GE's millions to the Foundation, promptly followed by government contracts with GE. And — misunderstanding the imprecise world of foreign diplomacy — it called it unseemly that Hillary would take money from radical Islam while continuing to posture as a champion of women's rights.
Hillary's denials of the claims were categorical:
- A White House spokesman said the author had been discredited by a typo that is in plain view on Page 243.
- Hillary, holding campaign events in New Hampshire, had her handlers clear out coffee shops — including the kitchens — before she arrived, so that there was no one in the joint except her own handlers (They deserve coffee too!) and members of the Federal Employees Union.
- Hillary's Press Corps clarified that there was no cash-for-favors, as even the Saudi Arabians paid with wire transfers.
- Re-filing five years of financial reports once you are caught in a lie is simply part-and-parcel of an unprecedented spirit of openness and transparency.
After decades of downplaying Clinton scandals, the media suddenly pursued these themes. Anchormen read the book's appendices, which covered the long span of Hillary's career, and showed that she secretly bankrolled Hitler with the Illuminati to start World War II, this after having Archduke Ferdinand shot to set off World War I. CNN reported that Hillary fired on Fort Sumter to start the US Civil War. She was also the original Star Wars screenwriter, inventing Jabba the Hutt, who had the slender thigh-to-ankle region that Hillary always wanted.
Senility, the final frontier
An op-ed called Hillary Clinton's great 2016 fraud came out during a Hillary "listening tour." That Hillary wanted to listen to other people's opinions had been her great 2008 fraud, apart from crying on cue. The writer suggested Hillary get a Broadway producer, not a campaign manager, "if she were being honest with us," though adding that, in that case, she wouldn't be Hillary.
In passing, though, he disclosed a completely new threat to the campaign: Although any good politician spends every waking moment trying to bankrupt, vilify, imprison, or knock off adversaries while clawing to higher office, she must go through the motions of hearing testimony and writing bills and reports. However, when asked about the manufacturing sector and job training, Hillary could do no better than restate the questions, despite having sat on Senate Committees and Joint Task Forces and having signed reports that claimed to address those very topics. It seemed that Hillary had gone beyond frumpy.
Again, Ronald Reagan won an election with Alzheimer's, but not the first one, and he was actually likable, a strategy that is nowhere in the Hillary playbook. Hillary might have been right in 2008 that it would be too late in 2016.
Enigmas and conundrums
“Ah don' feel no ways tahr'd!”
Wikipedia notes Hillary's constant anguish that marrying Bill Clinton and especially using his last name would be an obstacle to letting "me be me," and especially that she might be known not for her own "accomplishments" (There's that word again) but through other people. The only elephant in this ointment is that, even after getting Bill out of the picture entirely, she does not know who she is.
- A right-wing, pro-defense Democrat in the mold of Henry Jackson? Or a mainstream Democrat in the mold of Karl Marx?
- A champion of capitalism, in the form of sham book deals, speaking fees, and envelopes of cash from swarthy, towel-headed foreigners? Or capitalism's biggest nightmare, who is sure that corporations do nothing to create jobs?
- Someone who wants your votes as a woman? Or someone who wants your votes to prove that it doesn't matter that she is a woman? Or despite being a woman?
- A gal who's her own gal, or Bill's gal (the one with the huge ankles, not the one with the awesome suction)? A Rodham, a Rodham Clinton, or a Clinton? Or nothing?
- What's with the Southern accent?
The answer to these questions will be in next year's Uncyclopedia Annual Update, after the polling data have come in.
The punch line
The reader has now been treated to an authoritative resumé of three decades of self-dealing, treachery, backstabbing, and corruption, with the occasional corpse, anecdotes all of which are more than one week old — yes, Old News — which means the nation should Move On. The candidate has cancelled her scheduled appearances for the rest of this week, at the end of which the current scandal will also be Old News. (She will, however, hold "electronic town halls" and take written questions by Internet users the campaign has pre-cleared.)
Besides, all of this must have been written by a political opponent who has an axe to grind, who did not make up his own mind but is merely in lockstep behind Limbaugh or someone, and is surely being paid off by the Koch Brothers.
Because, you see, it is "time" to elect a woman. (The "time" to elect an "African American" was 2008 and 2012.)
In the future, some facts in this article may be questioned or even disproved. This does not mean they are lies but merely inoperative cases of having misspoken, which is completely different — no less than if the truth were to accidentally appear in this authoritative reference work.
The authors of this article received no improper influence from its subject, but were simply allowed to sell a few copies, for a nominal price meant only to recoup the costs, at the Bill and Hillary Clinton and Chelsea, Buddy, and Monica Foundation, right next to the cigar concession.
- Bill Clinton
- Bill Clinton Presidential Wash-house
- Hillary Clinton's Bust
- Hillary Clinton's Presidential Fund-raising Campaign
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