Delaware, Ohio

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Delaware is a city located in central Ohio and has a population of about 34,000. Delaware city is located halfway between Columbus and Marion, which is why Delaware is always caught in the crossfire when Columbus and Marion are at war. The city is known for its horse races, which involve Canadian midgets with flamethrowers. Delaware is also known for it's poisonous toffee, which can be found at your local street corner or mini-mart. Ohio Wesleyan is Delaware's only college and has a student population of about 15 people. Rutherford B. Hayes is the only president from Delaware and was killed in a shootout that occurred at the O.K. Corral only one day after his election.


edit Early History

Delaware was founded in 1834 by the Cleveland Browns. The city first establishment was an whorehouse that entertained weary travelers after long journeys. The whorehouse burned down after someone from Michigan decided it could use some napalm. Delaware's leaders elected its first mayor, Kyrie Irving in 1840, who ruled for 15 years. The downtown grew rapidly and the city saw unprecedented wealth because its proximity to Columbus and its Chinese owned factories. Kyrie's assassination in 1855 stunned many and threw the city into chaos. Delaware's warlords fought over control of the city and its unlimited supply of jelly beans but only escalated the conflict making the situation worse. The warlords decided that fighting over jelly beans and control of the city wasn't going to end so they signed a peace treaty ending the civil war and bringing peace upon the city.

Part of the city burned down in a riot when the Ohio State football team lost to Michigan in 1974. People in Delaware realized that it was just fucking stupid to start a riot because of a college football game so no more riots have happened since. A monument at the center of the city's downtown reminds people of the riot and the lives lost in it. Many Michigan fans have vandalized the monument by drawing dick-butts all over it causing outrage to many citizens of Delaware. Guards have been hired to protect the monument from vandalism, but their so drunk that nobody even gives a shit anymore, so the guards were fired and a "do not touch" sign was added.

edit Geography

Delaware is notorious for its unpredictable and random ass weather. It can be 90 degrees outside then for no apparent reason it will start raining. Delaware's weather has made many people commit suicide because they cant decide what to wear outside. After awhile the random weather doesn't seem so bad because you get used to it.


Rain is so unpredictable in Delaware that many of the residents attach umbrellas to their hands so that they are prepared at any time. If you are caught without an umbrella during the weekdays you will be arrested and sent to a maximum security prison. Tom Brady, a famous resident, was arrested and charged with public indecency because he left his adopted umbrella at home. Many people refuse to go outside of their homes because they are afraid that they will get arrested if they are seen without an umbrella.


Some say snow hasn't been seen in Delaware in over 35 years. Most have only seen snow on television, movies, or in pictures. Since real snow never falls on the city, the Soviet Union ordered that planes drop fake snow on the city. The problem is that most people don't realize that it is actually cocaine. Buying real snow at local pawn shops is not uncommon and a small bag of the fake snow cost around $2,000.


Asteroids are a common sight in and should be avoided at all costs. The first asteroid hit the area in 1918, forcing the city to build giant guns that shot laser beams at asteroids before they enter the city's atmosphere. If an asteroid destroys your car, house, or your virginity, you can file a complaint to the city's government officials.

edit Government

Delaware's government is communist. The city council elects the cities leader based on what Columbus's election looks like. The newly elected leader must not be a minority, in order not to infuriate the city's population. That's probably why every mayor in the cities history is white.

The first non-white mayor controversy

Delaware elected its first non-white mayor for the first time in 2011. The city's voters were outraged that an non-white mayor had been elected. The newly elected mayor Kim Jong un, promised that Delaware would be ruled no differently just because he was a tyrannical communist midget. After many days of protest during his first days of election, the riots stopped and everyone went home and got drunk.

edit Sports

Delaware is home to some of the worst sports teams in the country. High school football is very popular in Delaware as the city has two high schools. Rapist-ford B. Hayes is the largest high school in the city and is known for it's football team. Hayes's football team, the Pacers, haven't won a game since 2009. Delaware also has a pro Lacrosse team called the Ohio Machine which is part of the MLL (Mexican lesbians lie). When you go to the Machine's home games its not hard to see why there's only 10 people in the stands. Because watching them for 5 minutes is enough to make you go home and rethink your life. Ohio Wesleyan University or OWU, is Delaware's only college and offers many sports. OWU's sports teams are about as well known as a Minor league Somalian hockey team. For example, OWU's football team is in division 800, which is the worst division in the history of the universe. If your looking for some good sporting events I suggest you stay clear of the city limits.

edit Economy

Delaware's economy mainly comes from making cheap cigars, and dildos. I highly recommend that you buy the cigars, as they will give you diabetes and aids. Most families in Delaware make only meager earnings and search the streets to find that lucky 5 dollar bill on the sidewalk. Bob Saget is the only person who doesn't have to search the streets for money as he receives free money from the mayor. Bob Saget owns many of the factories which allows him to raise the hourly wage because he fucking feels like it.

Personal tools