Delete

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“Read my lips--I will not delete taxes!”

~ George P. Bush on his political stance

Subject: RE: THAT'S FRICKEN AWSOME!

DELETED!

--Strong Bad

“Delete!”

~ Cyberman

“D-E-L-E-T-E. Hmmm.. deli-at. no del-it. I dont know what this is but it looks like the word delete”

~ Dory

“Delete, no one will ever delete me nev[text mssing]”

~ Oscar Wilde on Deletion

[edit] Usage

In the year 2525, if man is still alive, he will find that Stephen King, the historian who chronicled the power of the Delete button, will have taken over the world. In one of his many historical accounts, he tells of a fellow who discovered the Delete key's true magical powers.

First, download the program Microsoft Works. Once it has been installed, create a new document called "Universe." Now, you have complete control of the Universal Mainframe. Just type anything in and hit the Delete key. It will disappear from real life. Sometimes, even the word itself will disappear. Take ______, for instance. Josef Stalin deleted it in 1244 in an attempt to defeat the mighty ________, which he successfully deleted shortly after.

Use caution when touching the Delete button. Sometimes, its effects can be fatal. In 1809, the Archbishop of _____________ unintentionally deleted himself, his town, and his nation (formerly known as __________). The Archbishop also discovered the use of the Insert key, which serves the inverse function of the Delete key. Unfortunately, he deleted himself before he could reinsert himself. He is also known for deleting the infamous Library of Alexandria, Original Jesus, Dodo birds, ________, Sodom and Gomorrah. Survivors of the latter incident claim that people were turned into pillars of Cocaine as an act of divine retribution, but this is not the case. They actually all fell victim to Spontaneous Human Combustion.

[edit] List of Partial Deletions and Who Deleted Them

Elvis, deleted by Spock
All forms of Jesus save for Zombie Jesus, deleted by Pontius Pilate
Santa Claus, deleted by nonbelievers everywhere
The Loch Ness Monster, deleted by James Bond
Neo, deleted by Agent Orange
The Prepubescent Ninja Turtles, deleted by Rocksteady
Aeris, deleted by Sephiroth
Patrick Henry, deleted by the USSR. They granted him half of his wish. He didn't get liberty.
Cro-Magnon Man, deleted by the liberal media
JFK, Jr., deleted by Tom Cruise and his subordinate, Mary-Jane Watson
Darth Vader, deleted by Trekkies
Phil Hartman, deleted by himself... twice
Def Leppard, deleted by poachers
Aeris, deleted by Sephiroth
Chuck Norris, deleted by Sir Bruce Lee, but immediately reversed the deletion onto Atlanta, causing it to sink
The city of Hiroshima, deleted by an F-Bomb
Werejesus, deleted by Van Helsing, Jr.
Van Helsing, Jr., deleted by Jesus 2.0
Socrates, deleted by the Hemmloch Ness Monster
Indiana Jones, deleted by snakes on a plane
Luke Skywalker's third hand, deleted by Darth Vader's life saver
Batman, deleted after a lengthy struggle with Superman
Old Yeller, deleted by Lassie's AIDS
Microsoft, deleted by Linux
In Soviet Russia, spam deleted you!
George W. Bush, deleted by an army of mustard-flavored pretzel rods
Ninjas and Pirates, deleted by each other after Robots and Smurfs got involved
Mama Cass, deleted by a ham sandwich (believed to be from Hell's Kitchen)
Dumbledore, deleted by Snape and an earwax-flavored jelly bean
Ash (Army of Darkness), deleted by himself... twice
The Prime Minister of Japan, deleted by George H. Bush's explosive sushi diarrhea
Bender, deleted by Bill Gates.
Bill Gates, deleted by Cortana.

“Yarrgh, the barrstards took me good eye so I deleted 'em!”

~ Blackbeard on Ninjas

“I have deleted my mortal enemy. I must pray to my ancestors for forgiveness”

~ Ping Pong on Pirates

[edit] The History of Delete, Part I

1653 marked the year in which Charles Dickens defeated the evil Gandalf. In the ensuing conflagration known as the Holocaust, he discovered the Delete Key. He sliced off the hand of Gandalf and took the key. This is the basis of Magictology and widely regarded as being very, very close to the truth. Unfortunately, he became corrupted by the power of the Key and grew angry. He was ousted from power by the Democrats in 1992.

[edit] Things that Charles Dickens Deleted

BELIEVE IN ME__________
_______
____________
_______
____________
_______ THE __________
______________

[edit] The History of Delete, Part II

Following the Democrat victory in 1992, Deletion fell out of vogue for many years. It was not until the Renaissance period of 1066 that it began to resurface, most notably by the deletion of both the arms of the Venus de Milo and _______. Then some other things got deleted, but any proof of their existence was also deleted. Then some other stuff happened and that was the end of that. Who writes this shit anyway?