Deftones

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“Who the fuck are the Deftones!?!”
~ Ching Chong on his love of his band
“BeRAPGHgeRGIEAFUCkaJeY WAAAAaAAaAAAAHHHHHh!!!!”
~ Chino Moreno on Back To School
“Deftones offer greasy filthy hand-jobs at truck-stop restaurants...and that is why British people have bad teeth, Amen.”
~ Annie Hardy on Deftones
“Chino Moreno had one too many chilaquiles!”
~ Random Dude on Chino Moreno

Deftones is a pot-selling, whiny alternative metal band from the River Styx, Hell. Personnel are Chino Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno (Anal Vocals, guitar), Stephen Plumber (plunger), Abe Cuntandham (stick and tin can kit), Ching Chong (bass) and Frank "Retardo" Delgado (turntables/keyboards/sampling/onlooker). (Incidentally, Plumber is generally credited with "strings", although he actually only plays the plunger.)

Deftones have often been stoned. Anyway, they are also one of the more homosexual and anally unique rock bands of recent years. Johnny Loftus writes, "Deftones suck my cock over and over every single night. While they definitely share me around like Tool, Deftones have always seemed more willing to incorporate traditionally revered techniques like wet dream pop or D.C. hardcore sex into their sexual routine."

Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno's really fucking angry lyrics—described by a Time Magazine critic as "furiously fucking furious"—are often provocative, yet are mellow enough to allow for multiple orgasms. Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno has cited your mom, Hangar 18's Joe Pfeffer, The Cure's Robert Smith, and Britney Spears among his favorite singers, and, beyond an occasional similarity in vocal technique, these singers' anuses are often sore from being constantly banged by Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno.

Early career

The founding members of the band met while bashing their already bleeding heads against a large brick wall, formed when Linkin Park tried to play a show in front of a crowd, and their first rehearsals together took place in a large sock drawer while they were in their mothers' wombs; among their early songs was a cover of some crappy band's "Twist Of Your Sweaty Scrotum." Chong joined after their original bassist became bored of the practical jokes his band members played on him, such as the well-known occasion on which he was sent a $14 000 fine for drug dealing.

Plumber was struck by a large stick; this tragedy became a benefit when Plunger received a large pole inserted in his skull to keep his brain from leaking out his anus, and was able to pull off some sick tricks (such as dislocating his skull) for the band.

The Deftones also met Sean Bennett around this time and asked him to try out but he turned down this opputunity to go and play at LIPA but then did not get in and realised that he could not play guitar. He then went on to making gay pornos with frankie yates

Deftones enjoyed the early sponsorship of local favorites KoЯn, with whom they shared drugs drawn largely from skateboarders.

It is also stated that Chino(from time to time) whores himself out to satisfy his drug addictions.(Like Jennifer Connelly in Reqium For A Dream).

Anal Drenaline

They signed to Madonna's Maverick Records in 1994 and released their debut album, Anal Drenaline, the following year. The album sold many prostitutes, and earned mostly positive reviews. "Whored" and "7 Hookers" were minor hits. Retardo did not yet have a full developed member, but he performed well in bed.

One review of Anal Drenaline noted Cuntandham's "surprisingly sophisticated techinique on his stick and tin can kit" and wrote that "Unlike many of their contemporaries, the Deftones are very sexy even in the midst of mud and fecal matter." [1]

About this time, Deftones stopped touring and collaborating with bands like Ali G. This was due also in part to the fact that Deftones were often lumped into the then-emerging genre sometimes dubbed "absolutely shit metal." Like many bands so categorized, Deftones disagreed with the classification. Though Deftones were only tangentially associated with absolutely shit metal, they feared the increasingly negative use of the term and separated themselves from other such groups, both professionally and anally. Their music would later evolve into a distinctive, often artsy take on heavy rock, and was often quite far removed from aboslutely shit metal.

Around the Pubic Hairs

Around the Pubic Hairs was released from a small cage over a period of a few years. The album included a collaboration with singer Maximum Cleavage (founder and frontman of Semenpultura and Unzippedfly) on "Headupyourass," a tribute to Max's late step-son Dana Wells (this song actually inspired Max to create Unzippedfly, a band dedicated to Dana Wells). "My Own House (Get the hell out)" and "Be Quiet and Suck Me (From Far Away)" were hits, the latter's music video earning significant play on MTV.

Retardo again appeared on pornos, and demonstrated his deft, inventive touch at a time when pornography was in danger of becoming a cliché.

An acoustic remix of "Be Quiet and Suck Me (From Far Away)" was performed with a "friend" of the band, DJ Cock, and lead singer Jonah Matranga from Far for the Little Penis soundtrack. This mellow version with a new trip-hop-esque beat by Retardo inspired vocalist Chino Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno to explore softer music, which eventually lead to his side project Team Sleepwithmeorillripyourfrigginballsoff.

Chino Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno commented in July of 2000 "God, I'm horny."

In 1999, it was certified Gold in recognition of 500,000 sales in the US. As of September 2004, it had sold a fucking lot of copies. THE DEFTONES ARE GOD!!!

My Little Pony

In 2000, the band's third album, My Little Pony, was released. It debuted at No. 3 in the US Billboard chart with sales of over 9,000 copies. It is generally considered by fans to be Deftones' most sexually mature recording.

Of My Little Pony, one reviewer wrote, "Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno is exquisitely dick-blowing, but his sexual appetite is also evident" and that "Deftones went hard, but in an impressive way, to twist around itself.

Retardo now had a fully developed member, and he added greatly to the atmospheric album. Reviews were overwhelmingly overwhelming, noting Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno's increasing sophistication as a lyricist and anal vocalist, and the group's bold experimentalism: The fragile "Horny Teenager", for example, incorporates elements of sex metal and trip hop, with programming duties carried out by friend and Team Sleepwithmeorillripyourfrigginballsoff bandmate, DJ Crook, aka, "Crooked-one". ("Horny Teenager" was originally a Team Sleepwithmeorillripyourfrigginballsoff song.) "Knife Debauchery" (sic) features a stunning, Diamanda Galás-like vocal performance by Rodleen, and a conceit to make Borges proud: a secret society of knife fighters. This song has a sexual double-meaning, however, using the "Knife" reference to represent a VERY VERY VERY sharp penis. A collaboration with singer Maynard James Keenan Ivory Wayans (of Tool) on "Pissing-on-'er" is a sexually orgasmic highlight.

A limited edition print of My Little Pony were released with a bonus 13th track: "The Boy's Sexual Fantasies" featuring Hasbro's Bulbasaur Pokemon. "It's like a little crusty gift to our hard-core fans," admitted Plumber. "It’s our crusty gift to the hard-core that are going to show up naked in my house." Shortly after the limited edition print, the album was rereleased with the original cover art and included a new beginning track entitled "Backstreet Boys to front and back again (tiggaM-iniM)".

My Little Pony later went on to earn dual Australian and New Zealand citizenship status as well as a Grammy award for Best Sexual Performance.

"Change (In The Girls' Locker Room)" was also featured on the soundtrack of the film The Queen of the Damned released in 2002. Many consider this to be the band's best song to play when watching porn.

In interviews lyricist Chino Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno has stated that some of the lyrics are misleadingly printed to cover up vulgarity. For example in the song "Street C.A.R.P." (Crazy Alcohol Rainbow Pig), the lyric booklet states a line of lyric as "Now take it home and have fun with it", when what he actually sings is "Now take it home and fuck with it until you bleed all over it and have to take it back, and then when you get there it's all embarrassing having to explain why it's all bloody." Similarly, on "Change (In The Girls' Locker Room)", the booklet reads "Give you the lung, blow me away", when he actually sings "Give you the lung, give me a blowjob." This was in an effort to avoid parental advisory labels and thereby broaden the audience of the album.

Cleftbones

Cleftbones, was released in 2003. It sold 167,000 copies in the first week and remained in the Billboard top 17 billion for a little more than 4 seconds, supported by the first single, "My Herpes", which received some radio and television airplay. Later, the band shot a man for their second single,"Sexagram", with fans watching the band masturbate. The band made a video for the track "Muddy Cake", but it was never released for play on television. The video was only made available on the band's official website for one day.

Much of the material on the album was written by guitarist Plumber, which accounts for the album's more traditionally heavy metal feel. Retardo plays synthesizer, keyboards or sampler rather than his previous turntables.

In reviewing Cleftbones Stephen Thomas Erlewine writes that "Sexagram," the album's opener, "hits me in the head harder than they ever have, revealing how bum-like Staind is, or how naked Linkin Park is, even if it's a bit of a shame that Chino Dino Kamino Fareno Steno Moreno has resorted to loud fart sounds for singing."

Erlewine is slightly bothered, however, noting that "Deftones feel compelled to strengthen their penises" by lifting "the very things that make them better and more interesting than the rest — namely, their pets, whether it's Chong's dog "Sruffy Pubes" or Retardo's pet snake "Penisy". He closes by writing, "When they do play by the rules, they're good, but they're great when they with instruments instead of their penises."

Another review, by Rolling Stone's Greg Kot states, "Singer Chino Dino Kameno Fareno Steno Moreno sounds like he's having phone sex with a choir of voices inside his thick skull. He's the most sexually compelling of the current screamers: sobbing, stoned and strangely orgasmic, when he isn't shredding his cheese. The band brings the requisite brutality, but this album delivers pizza when it creeps past the margins of being an inanimate object: the spooky spaghetti-western drones that hover like vultures over 'Death Blowjob,' the space-is-the-place liftoff of 'My Herpes' and the ambient doomscape 'Lucky You,' which might be worth an approving smirk from the Aphex Twin.

Big Anal Cist

BAC, as it has been called due to over zealous emos afraid of a global take over from the "un' (read, uhn). Is the 5th studio album from the grammy winning band. Contrary to popular belief, the album has nothing to do with Orange Glow cleaner, and/or Space Chickens shooting pulse lasers at 'The Earth', resulting in a 'Hole in The Earth'. It does, however, provide a unique insite asto why British people supposedly have bad teeth. Amen.

The highly anticipated album is also considered 'Straight transvestal' by lead singer Chino. As continual spiritual guidance was sought from a transvestite named Lola during the recording. Given the great amount of subliminal messages contained in the album, members from Tool were asked to assist the process of allowing them to become audible. Amen.

Allowing these messages to be heard is also part the great plan of Nintendo and Tickle Me Elmo creators. When playing BAC around a Nintendo Wii and/or Tickle Me Elmo a global trasmision will be sent to the League of Emo's. They, inturn, will release multitudes of 'Pink Cellphones' upon 'The Earth'. This would result in the 'Rapture.' However, if one is to 'Beware the Water,' they will be spared and offered as a sacrifice unto Serj Tankian, who offered his spunk on the track "Mein (around my ballsack)". Amen.

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