Defence of the Adulterers
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
What Is It About?
Dota, commonly known as Defence of the Adulterers (usually Censored as Defence of the Ancients) is a popular game personifying the never ending fights in court between wives and their cheating husbands. The game is split into 2 different sides, the Sentinels and Scourge, where the player chooses a lawyer from three different factions to try to win the case. The player plays as a lawyer, attempting to use money to bribe the jury, who is hiding either in that tree or behind that big blue throne. The money is gained from incomes by mentally screwing up the witnesses or defeating the opponents during a crossfire. Aside from using pure mental strength, the lawyers do not waste their time with words, as they just use paper aeroplanes and briefcases to hit the opponents and basically annoy and irritate them. Aside from the normal witnesses, lawyers can also extort money from the security guards as an extra source of income. If you're feeling tough, you can take on the judge for the legendary Justice Wig which can re-energize you in case the enemy mentally fucks you up.
They are the narcissistic and arrogant housewives who believe in chivalry even though gender equality exists. They require men to listen to their every whim and be their slaves. So, when their husbands cheated on them, we can simply say that all hell breaks loose. ( Let’s just call them Smart-Ass Bitches for short)
Faithless husbands who accidentally bathed with their wives while wearing a used condom from fucking that hot bitch last night. Well, they did say they were sorry, but being the smart-ass bitches they are, they refused to admit defeat to what they call a "barbaric whore" who is socially way below them. Well, I bet the men don't feel remorseful anyway, they did fuck an awesome bitch.(Damn the flaws of being precise. Short form – Scum)
Politicians who go one side for unknown reasons connected to world domination. Determined to overthrow 4chan's long rule over the world, these dickheads revel in emotional strains and as such, partake in such activities to boost their oral skills and also to enjoy the view of two lovebirds at each other's throats.(Another long string of rubbish. Alternate name – World Dominator wanna-bes)
Well these so-called 'Heroes' are basically just lawyers that are profit-driven (mostly). They attempt to collect enough money to successfully bribe the jury into winning the case. While they mostly extort money from the opposition witnesses, they also like to gain income by weakening the opposite lawyer's mind so much by flaming them, that they give money to them in return for stopping the mindfucks. What the lawyers gain for themselves during after the lawsuit is still a mystery, but there has to be a reason why they party like crazy just after each game.
List of Lawyers(LoL)
Silencer (Jesus the Second)
Hailing from Salem in the late 1700s, Silencer is the only male bitch warrior to achieve immortality. Mastering the ancient art of origami-folding and tossing, and combining it with the volatile nature of witches’ spells, he is able to cause acute pain in his enemies. By binding his magical powers to his paper shurikens, he is able to cause paper cuts beyond devastation. After a deep throat incident, he lost his voice for over a month, and he grew sullen and resentful. Hence, on the restoration of his voice, he pledged to fight for the women/men cuckolds who never have their voices heard, till the end of his immortality which will never end. Also known as Jesus the Second, for his burning glare that can see through Scums’ souls.
- Curse of Silence - makes use of witchcraft where Jesus the Second sticks a strip of masking tape over the mouths of poppets of his opponents,causing them to feel the pain of keeping silent, giving them the desire to create an outburst.
- Glaives - His expertise in origami allows him to throw multi-edged paper shurikens at the enemy giving them deep paper cuts.
- Last word - His glare intimidates people such that they do not dare to talk for a period of time after an outburst.
- Silent Clap - With a dramatic and effeminate (cause he’s a bitch, remember? Nah… bet you don’t. Why are you even reading this. Go touch yourself.) motion of his hands, he claps and brings his index finger to his lips, making a hush sound, shushing every opponent in the court.
When the Smart-Ass Bitches first recruited lawyers, Trolls were considered irritating and too predictable (Tits or GTFO). Their pride wounded, many refused to join, some even considering siding with the Scum. Only a hotheaded young called Joh'ka joined the Smart-Ass Bitches. Known as "Blinding Ass" in troll tongue both for the blinding speed of his paper airplanes and his trademark ‘blind’ technique, his unstoppable trolling have already made him a legend among his allies. Oh Joh’ka, you’re such a legend. However Joh'ka fights not for the Smart-Ass Bitches, or even to defend the Adulterers, but to show everyone that nobody can beat trolls at their own game.
- Troll Rage - In a fit of trolling rage, Joh'ka turns his paper aeroplanes into paper machetes, and whacks his opponent while trolling them.
Occasionally the trolling hits their soft spots, making them weak and vulnerable for a second.
- Blind - Joh'ka trolls with such wicked words that opponents cry, temporarily blinding them with their own tears.
- Fervor - When Joh'ka engages an opponent in 'intellectual debate,' he gets more and more excited, trolling faster and faster.
- Battle Trance - Joh'ka subconsciously uses the dormant frustration and hate towards the world hidden in him and taps into it. His words hold more power and his tongue gains an adrenaline rush that allows him to troll at 20 words per second.
Stupid Giant (Whiney)
Dyslexic since young, Whiney has been ostracized since his schooling days due to his poor academic results. However, the one and only thing he had that was greater than others was his size, and that did not refer solely to his Johnson. He used his size to bully people but at the same time always got frustrated easily due to his dyslexic background. After physically threatening his way into a law degree, Whiney now uses his intimidation once again to pummel the opposition and if that doesn’t work, he can always use the ‘throw and kill’ technique, picking up random objects to hurl at his opponents. Obviously the Smart-Ass Bitches were aroused by his size, which in this case does refer solely to his Johnson, hence they recruited his sexy butt which is a value ASSet (Get it? Sexy butt? Ass? Damn, your mom thought I was funny.) against the Scum.
- Avalanche - bombards opponent width misssspellt end mispronunced words, starning damn ass day try two comprehend his garbeled werds.
- Toss - Anger at opponent being able to rebutt every sentence causes him to take a random object within arm's reach to hurl it at the opponent. “He can has anger management?”
- Fatty Exterior – Not giving two hoots about his body, Whiney indulged in all kinds of fatty food to make sure he does not shrink in size. The layers of fat eventually line his ears, making him less susceptible to arguments. Furthermore, the folds of fat on his body smushes people who get too close.
- Growth – As he gets angrier, adrenaline pumps through his veins, making him appear bigger to people, and each swing of his briefcase is infused with more strength. Movement however is crippled because his weak judgment is further clouded by fury which delays his already slow process of thinking.
Jet Hider(Jizz’a lot)
Once an expendable kamikaze private, Jizz’alot has outlived the suicidal tendencies of other Jet Riders because he failed in life. He made a decision to join the World Dominators (cos they fail at life too – Chuck Norris already owns the world and no one can take it away from him), and was accepted because his experience in taking risks (none) and what he learnt from his brave buddies who died allows him to innovate creative uses for his flaming: He can spray opponents with a jet of semen (the only good thing he learnt from the army) right in the kisser, clogging up their throats and restricting speech before criticizing their arguments, flaming the shit out of them, or take flight as he was most accustomed to, leaving a trail of charred scripts behind. However, his most deadly skill involves hooking his opponent with taunts and then dragging the unfortunate person back for hardcore flaming supported by fellow attorneys.
- Sticky Semen – Jizz’alot targets an area and rapidly squirts out a whole load of cum. Due to its special properties, it lowers the mental guard of opponents such that they would be more susceptible to flaming.
- Flame Dick - Sets his own cock on fire with some stuff from that chemistry set he stole from your mom. Upon blowjob with the enemy the foreskin explodes, burning their tongue and rendering them speechless for a few moments.
- Firefry – Jizz’alot flames so much he gets all excited and burns through opponents. Any opponent that dares to stand in his stream of flaming will get mentally toasted. Real bad.
- Flaming Lasso - Using the lasso of truth he stole from Wonder Woman after that surprise buttsecks with her, he imbues it with the power of flaming and drags the opponent into the crossfire, allowing his fellow attorneys to flame him.
Wang-full Sprite (Slanderhair Sickmood)
Once a mighty coward and sister of Mutthead, the maniacal laughter of her sibling and that dildo of hers covered in her own blood from her period is a sight that even today still haunts Wang-full Sprite. Hearing the laments of her lawyer daughter, Elooney decided not to forsake her, and she graced her with a new hot sexy body along with abilities to harness powers from NeverNever Land and a fighting spirit only owned by those who have fucked death Himself. Named Slanderhair for her skilled slandering of oppositions and her soft silky hair, she now leads the World Dominator Wanna-bes Lawfirm, fearless of what could cum on her. She also works as a model for Playboy magazine to earn extra income and flaunt her new hot sexy body.
- Stunning Missive - A picture of her in sexy lingerie is flung towards the opponent as a missive. Aside from the paper cut, the opponent spends some time drooling over her body.
- Wave of Terror - After doing a sexy pose, Slanderhair suddenly morphs into an ugly bitch (Well, she wasn’t a total knockout before she got her new hot sexy body – I’m just saying), terrorizing opponents and leaving them open to flaming while their flaming power is temporarily reduced.
- Command Aura – Abusing her authority over the World Dominator wanna-bes, Slanderhair rallies allies to create more devastating mental blows towards the enemy.
- Nether Swap - While distracting the opponent with her sexy body, she leads the opponent into swapping his stand, causing massive confusion to both him and the entire courthouse.
Suck King (Syxphilis)
Once the lawmaker of ancient Nigerian Kingdom, Syxphilis was banished for sexually assaulting the queen and verbally assaulting the king. He fled to the Kalahari desert where he succumbed to hallucinations and debated with the suck storms themselves, honing his debating skills. By pure luck, he found the lost kingdom of Suckington and swallowed the Orb of Sucking, which was imbued with immense power. With great power cam responsibility, which he lacked in, thus it was locked deep within him, only to be used in dire situations. Since he now sucked so bad the Smart-Ass Bitches didn’t want him so he had to settle for work with the Scum.
- Underhandstrike - his mainstay, allows him to piss people off by retaliating through underhand means.
- Suck Storm – allows him to evade counter arguments. He is unable to move in this scenario as he exudes an aura of suckiness that causes mental damage to all other lawyers.
- Cockstick Finale - Suck King can clear groups of opposition witnesses with his meatloaf which causes a deadly spew of cum every time it cums into contact with anyone.
- Epicentre, - Suck King’s most fatal ability, causes him to be the centre of attraction, and while drawing attention of everyone, unleashes waves of suckiness damaging nearby attorneys and witnesses alike. He needs to channel his energy to tap into that suckidom.
Been Mental (Atrocious)
Atrocious is a mental farce personifying the nightmares and fear of this world. He manifests where there is promise of inflicting tumors and feeding off brain goo. Sipping his opponents’ brain juices empowers him while manifesting fear of losing their coherency greatly enfeebles their ability to argue. He revels in disabling foes by sending them into dreaded slumber from which they may never wake, resulting in him winning the case. When need be he can rip his soul and force it into his foes, effectively immobilizing them with retardation and/or zombification. In other words, he hardly uses speech to win a battle. Atrocious is, in one word... Atrocious. Duh. Are you dumb or what. I hate talking to idiots.
- Enfeeble - Using a Mental Taser, Atrocious secretly zaps the part of the brain that enables speech, causing the opponent to babble aimlessly and even lose his thoughts for a moment.
- Brain Sap - Atrocious steals the case of the opponent and turns the idea into his own argument.
- Nightmare - Using the powerful hypnosis technique he learnt ages ago, he causes the opponent to slip into a nightmare, causing him to not only sleep halfway during argument, but wake up screaming and shouting.
- Fiend's Grip - Atrocious finally uses his magical abilities to slowly crush the brain of the opponent, dealing concussive damage and rendering the opponent unable to troll over a period of time.
Sex Fiend (Neverenough / Iwantmore)
A convict-turned-lawyer for the Scum, so abhorred that he makes the skin of even his fellow sex offenders’ crawl, Neverenough/Iwantmore is a creature of sex that consumes the virginity of those around him. When the Sex Fiend comes forth to court, he augments his power with the virginities he has stripped, bearing down on his opponents with sexually enhanced arguments and arousing language. The Sex Fiend is a terrifying opponent many succumb to, and everybody, friend or foe, who undergo his torment have almost certainly lost their virginity as well, which is the most despicable fate of all.
- Sexcraze – Years of intercourse result in the mastery of sex: able to engage in fornication from varying distances.
- Sexmastery – Loss of virginity after prolonged contact with Sex Fiend. For each virginity he took, he gains confidence and is able to make more persuasive arguments. Virginities undergo a process of bondage in him until he suffers a counter-argument that leaves him speechless, in which case releases the virginities to their original owners.
- Presence of the Sex Lord – Sex Fiend bows only to the Lord of Sex, from whom he gained his unholy sex powers and his addiction for fornication. His reputation terrifies nearby witnesses and lawyers alike, who are afraid to suffer the same fate as all his previous victims.
- Requiem of Sex – In a fit of rage, Neverenough unleashes his sex drive and sexual frustration, using the bondage he got with the previous skills by temporarily growing 25 penises, skewering and screwing everyone in his way, courtesy of the Sex Lord.
Dick Biter (Aunty Lucy)
Aunty Lucy was the leaver of the Dickguard attack force in the first case by the Dick Lord Sugass. With his original master long gone, Aunty Lucy grants his undying lawyerty to the Scum to finish what his lord once started. Devouring dicks to increase his own which was half sawn-off when he Alt-Q-Q, he multiplies the shame of those long and hard enough to endure his strength and the heat of his fiery gropes by blessing them with erectile dysfunction. Aunty Lucy takes no pissoners and makes sure those who persevere through his wrath die by the agonizing and burning pain of Dick itself.
- Devour – Aunty Lucy, filled with hatred for the opponent, bites off his penis. He gains a reward from the Scum each time he does so.
- Fucked Earth – Aunty Lucy, using his ULTIMATE HOTNESS, fucks the earth with his feet dick while walking around, arousing and heating up the earth under him.
- DickLength? Death - Using her hatred for other's penis, Aunty Lucy burns pieces of the target's penis. The longer the dick length, the more damage the target takes.
- DOOM – Aunty Lucy fools the opponent that doom is already given and he is sentenced to eternal fucking. Deals damage with every thrust of Lucy's dick. Since the opponent is convinced that he has lost, he does not speak
No court case is complete without witnesses, and each lawfirm (aside from the World Dominator Wanna-bes who can’t be bothered to find because they can side with any and eventually take over the world) managed to persuade/grow innocents to join their cause.
- Smart-Ass Bitches – They managed to grow their own witnesses through stem cell research. Named Treants because they could not be bothered to come up with an original name and simply copied LOTR, these witnesses could be planted anywhere anytime, especially at the places where the accused was tenderly loving someone other than his/her wife e.g. your mom’s bed, your bed, or Whiney’s stomach. These witnesses then march together to testify seeing the adultery take place, for there is strength in numbers. They are often followed by an avid gardener who makes sure that they are well-taken care of (sadly he fails most of the time) and do not die on their way to the courthouse.
- Scum – The witnesses here are all involuntarily voluntary (haha, I’ve just mindfucked you, how did you like that?). They were once ordinary people, like me and, well, not you, heck, just me. However, they had this fetish of peeping in at people’s windows, asscracks, vags and other similar stuff. Well, nothing wrong with that. At least not until they peeked into yours. Anyways, what they saw, not just sex, but hardcore porn directing, was much too much and they all died (See? Too much porn IS a bad thing.) They wanted their revenge, so they came back as ghouls, but a necrophile told them, “Sup homies, if you tell the judge that you ain’t seen no sex happen'd and that they were just practicing yoga, I’ll give you back your bodies and you can go continue peeping into things until you die again. Limited time offer only.” The ghouls readily agreed, and thus the Scum found witnesses for themselves.
- Smart-Ass Bitches - The Stoned Towers were created as a defense mechanism to defend against the hoards of witnesses and attorneys from the Scum. Made from the souls of 10,000 people who once stoned the supposed 'witches' they attempt to throw sand in the opponent's eyes. However, due to the amount of experience stoning those witches (and fingering them in a fit of sexual urges), they use their long fingers to create huge boulders and toss them at the opponent in an attempt to get them to stop talking. Occasionally, the more powerful towers use their kidney stones as a source of ammunition. It is rumored that Silencer doesn't like the towers, as most of them stoned him in Salem before.
- Scum - In answer to the Stoned Towers, the Scum used black majick to create an amalgamation of their own. Gathering the souls of past adulterers, they weaved a majick crystal, mounted upon a structure made of vulvas, to create the Sex Towers. These Sex Towers frequently produce telepathic waves that force the opponent to drop down and start masturbating. With the hard-willed or sexually impotent, they whisper into their mind, causing them to scream in insanity as they start licking the vulvas of the Sex Towers in an attempt to cleanse their minds. Only the most perverse can resist it, or rather, only the most perverse can ignore the sexual thoughts those towers bring to mind - they thought of them long ago.
- Bracers – Seemingly decorated shiny wristband, inscribed with a miniaturized version of the script, to help lawyers remember words.
- Null Talisman - A huge excessively exaggerated gemstone hung around the lawyer's neck with an equally expensive-looking chain to distract opponents and make it easier for them to stumble.
- Wraith Band – Hides a receiver that sends messages from the attorney's law firm back to him, or your mom informing him that she had a nice night and that she’s washed his undies and he can pick them up at night.
- Power treads - Branded leather shoes that give people an impression you are rich. It gives you some shred of dignity for you to speak faster and with more gusto. Includes: Velcro strap that can adjust to 3 different lengths depending on what situation you are in (what, you think you're smart enough to use shoelaces? You'll just get it looped round your neck... wait a few more years, you retard...).
- Divine Rapist - A legendary sword that was forged with one strand of Chuck Norris' beard. Apparently there was no hilt awesome enough to attach the holy hair-blade to. This makes it easy to slip off one's hands if he gets subdued.
- Guinsoo Psyche of Vile - The builder/architect of the courthouse, the exalted Guinsoo, has agreed to sell his keychain to pay off his mortgage debts and to buy a house. When activated, the legendary scythe-shaped keychain temporarily drains the psyche of the opponent, transforming him into a mindless sheep or a cowardly chicken.
- Hood of Delusion - In the last Amazonian tribe deep in, well, the Amazon, (where else, China?) there lived an ancient sheman of unspeakable (thus I will not speak about it) powers who could totally change the world with a snap of his fingers (No, it’s not you dickhead. Go ahead, snap. Nothing’s gonna happen). However he was raped and killed by your alcoholic dad (GAYGAYGAY), who found his hood fashionable and traded it with China for a stout-brewing panda. They mass-produced it so now each hood only holds a mere fraction of its original ability. Wearing the hood causes delusion and you such that you think your words are 5000% true (like ah said ah’m not 500, but 5000% sure) and no one else is right, allowing you to debate with more zeal and granting more resistance to opponent counter-attacks. (Wow, the powers of a mere hood. Wonder what powers his semen-stained underwear had? Wait, what, you don’t think shemen masturbate?)
- Courier -A phone that lawyers use to dial that bitch they had sex with last night, calling her to bring those important documents they left behind as proof of their lawyerty so that she would fuck them. Upgrades to 'flying' courier.
- Flying Courier - Injects the whore with a high dose of a mixture of LSD and adrenaline, making her feel like she's high and flying, doing your every bidding without a complaint and allows her to run to the courthouse without feeling tired.
- Bombastic Fury - Allows the user to suddenly gain a huge increase in vocabulary knowledge, using bombastic yet ambiguous words, mincing the morale of those in the vicinity the target.
There’s only one worth mentioning, Roosevelt Shayne Anderson. He’s this filthy (occasionally just filthy, in both sense of the word) rich playboy who enjoys orgies and neglecting his business. Lawyers will then seize the chance to assault him with charges from shareholders when it fails, and when he doesn’t survive the onslaught, he will pawn one of his solid gold dog collar to repay his debt. This collar gives lawyers a second chance to redeem themselves when they offer it as a bribe to the judge, but one thing to note: When Roosevelt rebuilds his business (usually takes 3minutes) he will reclaim the collar from the holder.
There are certain skills that add bonuses or effects to the mental damage that they deal when attacking the opponent lawyer, some of those place certain indicators or "buffs" on the target (sometimes to deal prolonged depression or other psychological effects).
There are also other skills (which fall under the "Orb Effect" naming), which are based on abilities that were originally used on the "Orb" items in Sparta, an ancient area of lawyers. A restriction was also imposed on those skills because said words were considered too powerful to be stacked (meaning repeated in quantities to increase the effects).
Every time you fuck an enemy hero you are awarded with CurrentStreakOfFuckedHero+200+FuckedHeroLevel*5 reliable Cum Where current streak is:
* 0 if the hero has no fucks since last respawn * 0 if the hero has fucked another hero and not raped yet * 0 If the hero has two fucks in a row * 50 Fucking Spree (Three fucks in a row) * 100 for Dominating ( Four fucks in a row) * 150 Mega Fuck! ( Five fucks in a row) * 200 Unstoppable! ( Six fucks in a row) * 250 Wicked Fuck!( Seven fucks in a row) * 300 Monster Fuck!!! ( Eight fucks in a row) * 350 Doglike! (Nine fucks in a row) * 400 Beyond Doglike! (Ten to infinite fucks in a row)
Heroes that are in a 1000 area and not being the fucker will be granted a certain amount of reliable Cum, depending on total heroes in that area.
* 1 Hero: 95+9*LevelOfFuckedHero * 2 Heroes: 20+8*LevelOfFuckedHero * 3 Heroes: 10+6*LevelOfFuckedHero * 4 or 5 Heroes: 6*LevelOfFuckedHero
Assists only give gold if Sentinel or Scourge gets the FUCK.
Credits(the following non-funny stuff)
- Credits to Ray William Johnson for providing the inspiration to some jokes in here
- This page is not created by me solely, Ultinoob has equal credit as me, just that i posted it up here cause he's too stupid to use a computer
- Also credits to PlayDotafor their great fan art