Deer
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“A wounded deer leaps highest.”
~ Emily Dickinson on Deer
“I find that statement to be inaccurate.”
~ Hunter on Emily Dickinson on Deer
Deer were first made in 1867 by Albert Einstein
Deer are a parasitic creature. Interestingly enough they feed off of their own kind. They consider being hit by a car to be a sacred act of sacrifice. This sacrifice allows around three smaller deer to not need to feast again for a week. This is also their preferred method of reproduction, as once they have finished feasting, they are able to assemble from one to three new, smaller deer from the bones and assorted leftovers. This has caused them to flourish in wooded areas.
This horrible expiriment by the CIA to stop speeding in heavily wooded areas went terribly wrong. A malfunction causes the deer to just stand there staring at your headlights or even jumping right out in front of you instead of fleeing and just scaring you. Interestingly enough, the best advise in a deer infested area is to put the pedal to the metal and get the hell out of there! Deer are also apart of Cows evil plan to kill humans. Please see the Cows article to learn more.
 This article is quite random. You might want to edit it so that it's actually about something! |
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[edit] Deer-Planet Earth's Kamakazee Units
Deer hate reptiles from the planet Zogu and want them all to die in fiery explosions, similar to kamakazee units in the Second World War. Deer however do not have access to explosives as they are too expensive. The deerish solution to this problem is to simply jump out in front of vehicles and kill as many Zogian reptiles as they can in that manner. At this time nothing can kill more reptiles than deer, except for squirrels. Deer are almost as fast at breeding as squirrels and bunnies and, in some folklore been portrayed as spontaneously splitting into a new parasitic unit. The only way to keep deer populations in check is to support organizations like P.E.T.A. (People Eating Tasty Animals) and to go out hunting as much as you can. Deer populations are going up, but we can make them go down if we hang more on the wall!
[edit] Intelligence
Deer can be intelligent, as they have figured out how to dominate worlds and use explosives to demolish tree stands. On their main planet, Bob, they have constructed a laboratory for figuring out new technology and faster ways to eat plants in front yards. On some occasions, they set up traps to kill rednecks who stupidly follow them onto a freeway or railroad tracks. in 1996, a nuclear weapons facility was found somewhere near Yosemite, and machinery for mass destruction that had been modified from the war with the reptiles was found. Main targets for these weapons included Cabela's, Sportsman's Whorehouse, and several trailer parks in the south.
[edit] Famous Deer
- Joseph Fiennes - Leonardo da Vinci - Joseph Stalin - Oscar Wilde - The Deer that got away - That Whitetailed deer that kicked that hunter's ass in that youtube video. - Mary Stuart, Queen of Scotland - Your Mom.
[edit] Moose Origins
[edit] Origins of Elk (Wapiti)
Elk, also known as Wapiti, are a race of settlers from the Deer Planet aka Planet Bob, as are all species of deer on planet Earth at this point in time. Today we humans gather together in solidarity with the great Deer people in unity as ONE PLANET! LONG LIVE THE DEER!
[edit] Battle Deer
The most famous kind of deer is of course the mighty battle deeer. They were used by the Norse in their wars against the demons of hell. Thanks to the untold power of the battle deer the Norse won many great victories thus banishing the demons from the face of the Earth. T
[edit] The True Origins of Deer
Deer on Earth are direct descendents of colonists from the Deer Planet, also known as Planet Bob. The Deer Planet colonists decided to choose Earth as their next colonial outpost in the Milky Way because it was, and still is, rich in ancient coins, which they love to collect as deer do love all things shiny, pretty, or both. They got tired of paying middlemen (Squidtopians from the planet Squdijfeojve;ireo) exorbitant prices to ship coins from Earth to planet Bob. The colonists came for that purpose and that purpose alone- to secure the planet of the shiny pretty coins (as they used to call it and still do) in the name of Deerkind.
The deer colonists however eventually went native, learned telepathy, and started to walk on all fours. Eventually this planet was taken over by beings from the planet Zog, and planet Bob and Planet Zog went to war as a result.
The reason that the Zogians wanted this planet was so that they could get their hands on all the pretty shiny coins from Earth, and so they could add it to THEIR empire. In other words, the planet Zog was Germany, the planet Bob was France, and Earth was Belgium. Kinda sucks, doesn't it kids?
Anyway the Deer Planet won, and Earth is now in the process of becoming the 25th official colony of Planet Bob. A plan was later found for the future and imminate takeover of Fwabwa, some random planet named after some random thing youve probably never even heard of.
And they all had tea and cookies, and paper plates and puppies and they all lived happily ever after.
THE END!
[edit] Quantum Nature of Deer
Areas infested by deer are often designated with road signs similar to the one shown at left. The signs are posted to the right of the highway (in nations that drive on the right side of the road), such that the deer is running towards the centre of the road. The signs never indicate deer crossing towards the shoulder, which leads to the logical conclusion that all deer move from right to left across the highway.
The only problem with this conclusion is that for an observer driving down the other side of the highway, the deer would appear to be crossing in the wrong direction, since the signs for that side of the highway also point towards the centre of the road. This leads to the second logical conclusion: the direction in which deer cross the highway depends upon the position of the observer.
Now a new problem is presented: what happens if there are observers on both sides of the road? The same deer cannot be simultaneously observed to be moving in two directions at the same time, nor can one observer see the deer moving against the signs. The solution: the deer are smart enough not to cross when cars are coming from both directions.
[edit] 10 Commandments of Cervidynamics
The 10 Commandments of Cervidynamics (moving deer, for the Simple English people) are thus as follows:
- Thou shalt cross from the right unto the left
- Thou shalt change direction if the driver shouldst perform a U-turn
- Thou shalt not cross in heavy traffic
- Thou shalt not jog, thou shalt sprint
[edit] The Commandments of The Hunter's Widow
These comendments were set up after deer had attacked a hunter while he was having sex with a tree. The wife of the hunter, who was pleased that he was killed (it spared her the job), made a list of things deers and hunters should never do...
1) Though shall never have sex on a hunt 2) Deer will never let themselfs be tied to the roofs of cars willingly 3)Everything that lives in the forest has sex with other things....so don't ruin their day!
A final observation is that deer must count in ternary, which explains why there are only three commandments in their list of 10 Commandments
