Declaration of war on Iraq
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“The only thing worse than war is not having a war”
“This man wanted to kill my daddy”
“C'est la guerre”
My fellow cowboys:
Tonight, having grown tired of waiting for Big Daddy, The Son and The Spook to get off their high horses, I have decided to act unilaterally to speed up the slow-as-a-Tijuana-hooker-on-a-meter pace of the fulfillment of Biblical prophesy, and start making all the crazy stuff in the Bible happen so we can get on with the Apocalypse. I mean, if we waited on the Jews – a pack of folks who took 40 years to cross a desert the size of Baltimore – we could be waiting forever. And I'm not about to let all the fun stuff happen when Jeb is President. I don't have to tell you how fucking "A" awesome this is. I say jump, and the Joint Chiefs of Staff clench their sphincters and levitate!
On my orders, Christian forces have this night begun moving against Osama bin – no, wait, no, that's not right – the other guy, Saddam Hussein, striking selected mosques, evildoer orphanages, and hospitals to undermine his ability to continue festering ineffectually in his impoverished, eunuch-like desert cesspool. We are also targeting Saddam's new Ford F150, rusted tank husks, Ho Chi Minh's grave, and the French Embassy.
Jogging, drinking beer, hoarding ill-gotten wealth, falling on my face, fixing elections – those are all pretty cool rushes. But nothing beats being able to call down a deluge of hot, throbbing JDAM missiles to crash onto the brows of uppity, mud-colored sons of bitches who got a little too big for their girly sarongs, dig? Man – after this, I can tell you, I'm gonna pound Laura but GOOD!
These are opening stages of what will be a media-drenched and politically invigorating campaign. More than 35 countries – including some you all have even heard of, like the invaluable Nicaragua – have been handsomely compensated to suppress the will of their peoples and offer up insincere hosannas of support to me, the Supreme and Imperial Ruler of the Universe. Each of these nations has chosen to bear the duty and share the honor of extorting your tax dollars to provide me with the politically necessary illusion of international backing. As a small reward to myself for masterfully collecting this ragtag pack of international groupies, I have just signed Executive Order 87333, which completes my deification. As of this Tuesday, any mortal who looks me in the eye will be immediately killed. Watch this space.
To all the men and women of the United States Armed Forces now in the Middle East, by putting your innocent lives in jeopardy, I exact personal vengeance on a tin pot dictator who made my feeble old man – and by extension, the whitebread pyramid scheme that is the Republican Party – look weak. Furthermore, by vigorously exploiting your skill and your bravery, I will ensure that my family's petrochemical stock portfolio is not only protected, but is also vastly enhanced. And by awarding billions of dollars to Dick Cheney's company to rebuild what the taxpayers will spend even more billions of dollars to destroy, I can shut him and Lynne up for a little bit while they are kept busy getting hot and moist over their well-worn calculators – and toasting their good fortune for being able to gamble with the lives of America's servicemen for a chance to triple their retirement fund.
We come to Iraq with respect for its citizens – the ones we're not killing - and for their great subterranean natural resources and their ability – like all humans – to be coerced into accepting Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior, or die the gruesome death so richly deserved by all Christ-denyers.
Dudes and my fellow middle Americans: the dangers to my re-election prospects will be overcome. We will pass through this time of peril and carry on the work of fearmongering while the United States economy continues to implode. We will talk of peace while we wage war. We will talk of fiscal restraint, while we use the treasury like a Negro on payday. We will talk about defending our freedom while decimating our civil liberties. We will bring freedom from taxation to affluent white males and we will prevail.
Thank you, and good night. LET'S KICK SOME RAGHEAD ASS!
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edit See also
- George Dubya Bush
- Bush Family
- Crawford, Texas
- Talk Like George Bush Day
- immigrant dodgeball
- Everybody Hates Dubya