December 21, 2012

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“The bad news is we'll ALL be dead! The good news is so will the terrorists!!”

~ Dubya's take on 2012 apocalypse

“Its funny. The Mayans predicted the world would end in 2012. Mayan year 2012. Which was 150 YEARS AGO!”

~ NoahTheSlash on 2012

“...............shut up”

~ 2012 activists on the above statement

December 21, 2012 is kinda interesting 'cause it's "The End of the World". You know what happens, everybody starts putting out all these bad vibes, the Mayan Calendar strikes Dec. 21, 2012, and the Earth explodes. Something which would be gnarly-to-the-max, and obviously a major bummer.

This is probably not to be taken seriously (of-course), as it was only predicted by a few quacks, such as: Nostradamus, Cibyl, The Bible, NASA, Mayan Calendar, Merlin, Houdini, Joan or Ark, Timothy Leary, Sid Vicious, William Westmoreland, Ann Landers, David Copperfield, and Roland Emmerich ... and not to forget the Hopi people, who accurately predicted both the rise and fall of the dinosaurs, as well as the rise, and subsequent second coming of Ron Jeremy in the 2002 film Back by Midnight.

Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain as screwed-up as it already is. Or maybe a bit worse because of all these people shamelessly promoting "Goreble Warming." However, just to be on the safe side, you better get your shovel and start digging. Be sure to take along a lifetime supply of poontang, or at-least enough to last the several million years it will take for the Earth to recover from whatever is about to happen.

Contents 1 Primary Method of Destruction 1.1 Top 20 Other Methods of Destruction 1.2 Attn: Place Totally Bull Shit Methods of Destruction Below 2 Why December 21, 2012? 3 Inscription 4 Galactic Alignment 4.1 The Dark Riff 5 Dissemination 5.1 Obama (even) mentions doomsday 5.2 Doomsday feeding frenzy 5.3 Movie 5.4 History Channel 5.5 Famous Quotes on December 21, 2012 6 Top Survival Methods 6.1 Be smarter than the apocalypse 7 What will YOU do about it? 8 How to Cheat nature and Die before the 2012 event ? 9 Post Apocalypse 10 See also 11 References 12 External link

[edit] Primary Method of Destruction

So if it does happen, what's going to happen? Well, considering that Samuel L. Mothafuckin' Jackson's in a 'transitional period', opinion is divided. However after literally months of careful Gatekeeping, Wiki layering, and banning hippies Uncyclopedia has been able to distill the knowledge gathered from the collective consciousness into the following opinion:

The core of the Earth just suddenly explodes for no good goddamn reason other than it being mothafuckin' Dec 21, 2012.

[edit] Top 20 Other Methods of Destruction

1. Planet Niribu (Planet X) will crash into the Moon and the resulting blast will destroy the nearest star, Venus, thus wiping out 200 Space Stations filled with refugees.
2. A 9 Iron, which we initially mistake as an Asteroid, will strike the Earth going 200,402,000,110 miles per second. The resulting impact will hurl the Earth to the center of this Galaxy for a perfect "black-hole-in-one". God tips his caddy, and shoots "0" on eighteen holes (Black-hole-in-ones are counted as a "0" stroke, and God got 18 in a row),
3. Pole Shift caused by shifting poles. THIS will make a hell-of-a-mess on the surface, so, again, start digging...
4. Sun's huge Solar Blast strikes the Earth and fries every living being and non-being. Don't worry, it's just temporary.
5. A Gamma Ray blast from a star which exploded 72 billion years ago finally reaches the Earth.
6. Meteor the size of a golf ball strikes the Earth at three billion times the speed of light, resulting in the entire Solar System bursting back into primordial soup. Only the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) survives,
7. The Y2K bug finally gets it's shit together twelve years later.
8. Extreme climate change causes the climate to change extremely, either freezing or frying the human race.
9. Ivan in Russia pushes the wrong goddamn button,
10. Dumb Billy-Bob in USA pushes the wrong goddamn button,
11. Nigel in UK pushes the wrong goddamn button,
12. One Hung Mon in China pushes the wrong goddamn button,
13. India and Pakistan both push the RIGHT goddamn buttons,
14. North Korea wish they HAD a wrong-goddamn button to push,
15. Iran wish they knew what a "button" looked like (there is no mention of "button" in the Koran)...
16. Alejandro from Spain makes sweet sweet love to the wrong button. Audios, mi amor.
17. Angry at being demoted to a Dwarf Planet, Pluto gets it's revenge,
18. The North Koreans test a zillion mega-ton nuke, which back fires, blowing the Earth away,
19. Those idiots at CERN finally do something really stupid.
20. The Balinese Turtle thinks screw it and turns on his side.

• See following section...

[edit] Attn: Place Totally Bull Shit Methods of Destruction Below

1. Osama Bin Laden takes over the obliterated Earth (having survived in his cave).
2. The sun is a big jerk, waiting for all the planets to line up before he explodes.
3. Morgan Freeman loses his voice causing the world to go insane and think it's doom's day.
4. Jib Decides It's Enough of the Crap He's Gone Through And Decides To Bring All Bad Bad Luck By Throwing His Milk carton on the floor, etc. And Now, Everybody's Creamed And There's Nothing They Can Do About It, Thus everybody's screwed.
5. The Teletubbies decide it's payback time.
6. All Porn vanishes.
7. The Vogons need to make way for an intergalactic bypass.
8. George W. Bush gets re-elected as the US President.
9. Barrack Obama reveals he is really a Neocon and starts up World War III for the remaining oil on Earth. Turns out he is really the 12th Imam as well, which causes riots in Islamic places, and the feedback destroys the Earth.
10. Someone finally figures out the Meaning of Life, thus causing the known physical laws in the universe to unravel and destroy the Earth to prevent contamination with the rest of the universe.
11. Gozer the Gozarian returns, but that Dick at the EPA finally got the Ghostbusters shut down for good, and nobody is left to call to save us.
12. John Petrucci's second guitar solo album, "Welcome Back, Guitar N00bs," is set to be released on Dec 21, 2012. Any one who listens to the first chord struck on his album will instantly die. This will set off a chain reaction eventually killing off the human race in a matter of hours.
13. Oprah retires, at first good news, becomes more disturbing as Barack Obama innocently appoints her Vice President of the United States. Her lifelong destiny fulfilled, {Sworn at the foot of Mt. Doom} she cleverly conspires to kill Obama, and in the period of chaos that will ensue, Oprah becomes President. Immediately, she replaces free cars with free nukes, and proceeds to destroy everything that has not appeared on her show. As the globe itself cannot physically be on her show, it's open season, and the world becomes a tattered husk. Surviving, Oprah sheds her false skin to reveal a disgusting insect exoskeleton and scuttles through the stars to find another hapless planet to reap and shatter.
14. The Big Crunch
15. The Earth gets kicked into an interplanetary sand trap by a Giant Space Goat.
16. Everyone in the entire universe loses The Game at the same time by rule making everyone utter the fated words to one another causing a massive mindfuck in which case Cthulu rises and devours us all after being touched by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, causing Atheismo to rise once again inevitably causing a war of faith in which God, Jesus, the aforementioned figures, and every other faith in the world sit down and play Mortal Kombat resulting in a massive run-on sentence asploding every english teacher in the world's mind and all math teachers renounce the number 42 a.k.a the answer to life the universe and everything giving life no meaning and ending the world as we know it only because we a forgot how to get past the water lizards

[edit] Why December 21, 2012?

• Nostradamus drew 3 eclipses, followed by a monster over a tree.
• Google says so! YouTube says so! Uncyclopedia says so, fool!
• Mr T is in complete agreement.
• Because America voted for "change".
• Someone found the prediction in a fortune cookie.
• Jack Bauer cursed the screen writers of "24" to die on Dec 21, 2012.
• Dr. Kevorkian will be released from prison on that date.
• On a stone-carving the Mayan's end their calendar on THAT day.
• NASA says the Sun will fire a flame thrower at the Earth in Dec 21, 2012.
• On Dec 21, 2012 the Sun rises in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy, just like the last time 26,000 years ago. And that turned cave men into house holders with credit cards.
• Dec 21, 2012 worries Alfred E. Neuman.

[edit] Inscription

Only a single Maya inscription, “Tortuguero”, directly mentions the end of the 13th baktun, which corresponds to 23:18 on Dec 21, 2012. It has been defaced several times over, though Mayan scholar Clubber Lange (Mr. T) has attempted to imagine a translation:

Tzuhtz-(a)j-oom u(y)-uxlajuun pik

(ta) Chan Ajaw ux(-te') Uniiw.

Uht-oom ...

Y-em(al) ... Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta

TRANSLATION: "Listen up, fool, on December 21, 2012, yo, yo family, and all yo mothafuckin' friends can kiss MY fancy ass good bye." and further, "Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta" means, "Ain't gonna be no rematch!"

A less trendy explanation of why the Mayan Calander ends abruptly is that the Mayan Civilization hasn't been around to make a new one because we slaughtered the entire civilisation shortly after 'discovering' it. The arrival of the invaders was 'apparently' something which they predicted exactly to the day. No really to the day. Bullshit? Well look it up dickwad.... anyway ... Did I mention the 8,000 books they had? ... and that we 'apparently' torched all but 3 of them, and it's mostly from these 3 books that we actually get all our information about them, and ... What was in the other books? and ... Why the living mother of hell did they burn them all???

[edit] Galactic Alignment

Ringo Starr's book, The Secret Teachings of All Ages, inspired further speculation by George, Paul and John in the mid-1970s, noting the relationship of December 21, 2012 with the winter solstice. This date causes the Galactic Alignment - when Earth passes through the Dark Riff, and THAT's, mega cool, like a Judas Priest power chord. Unless 'shit happens' that's a serious bummer, like the fuzz show up, or somethin' gnarly.

[edit] The Dark Riff

According to Rockologists, such as Dick Clark, the Dark Riff was actually, "Purple Haze", or, maybe, "My Generation", or "Smoke On the Water", or "Train Kept-a Rollin'", or "Beat It", or "Hell's Bells", though the commonly accepted version is "Sunshine of Your Love," still it is actually, "Back in Black" that's the real Dark Riff.

[edit] Dissemination

[edit] Obama (even) mentions doomsday

“U.S. forces will be out of Afghanistan by Dec. 21, 2012, the White House announced. White House spokesman Robert Gibbs said it is important for people to understand that "our time is limited." U.S. President Barack Obama is preparing to explain to the U.S. public next week his reasoning for expanding the war effort, in spite of the looming apocalypse.”

~ Obama news on doomsday

[edit] Doomsday feeding frenzy

Interest in the 2012 doomsday prediction has spread rapidly in recent years as a result of a groundswell of Internet sites and blogs, as well as numerous books and television series on the subject. Everyone is like, "Holy SHIT!!!" The old Motown hit, "No where to run to, baby, no where to hide!" Is permanently at number one on Billboard.

[edit] Movie

The new film 2012, directed by Roland Emmerich and starring Danny Glover, Woody Harrelson, Don Martin, Paris Hilton (Person), and Cheech and Chong, is scheduled for release on Dec 21, 2012^[1]. The movie is about a farewell party thrown by Emmerich with all the above named taking turns with Paris Hilton (Person) on the night of Dec. 20, 2012. The film's budget of $600 million is considered by Emmerich to be, "cheap at twice the price!" - for the chance to fuck Paris.

[edit] History Channel

Over recent years the television network the History Channel has played a major role in scaring the living shit out of everyone with their alarmist ideas of 2012.^[2][3] In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources,^[4] referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the Hopi people, the Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of Nostradamus (which specifically mention the end of the world^[5]) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus that the History Channel has dubbed The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus,^[6] as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary Merlin, Mama Shipton, and Charles Manson^[7].

[edit] Famous Quotes on December 21, 2012

“Well, it's not going to be THAT bad”

~ Captain Understatement on December 21, 2012

“We are fucking doomed”

~ Captain Obvious on doomsday

“I THOUGHT IT WAS THE VANCOUVER OLYMPICS!?”

~ Oscar Wilde on 2012

[edit] Top Survival Methods

• Emigrate to another Solar System.
• Dig a hole to the center of the Earth and live on the beach like Pat Boone.
• Don’t! - Die like a man.
• Don’t! - Die like a woman.
• Don’t! - Die like a transvestite.
• Accept Jesus as your "life boat" (which is no way to treat a friend! I mean, really!?).
• Sit down, stick your elbow in your ear, practice Yoga, it's all an illusion (repeat this mantra).
• Grab the kids, sit on the roof of your house and watch the show while eating pop corn!.
• Place a brown paper bag over your head lie on the ground and accept it

[edit] Be smarter than the apocalypse

“All those who die before December 21, 2012 will have the last laugh!”

~ George Carlin on December 21, 2012

Kill yourself before Dec. 21, 2012. All those who are already dead before Dec. 21, 2012 will be the ONLY survivors. Remember, when faced with the World's End, *death* is the best hiding place.

[edit] What will YOU do about it?

• Sacrifice a virgin by throwing your mother-in-law into a volcano.
• Go meet Joe Pesci face-to-face and tell him, "Spit-shine Tommy sent me!"
• There are no other alternatives other than digging your own grave.
• Remember old Chinese wisdom, "man who already dead cannot be killed!"
• Moby Dick's "Queequeg" had the right attitude to adopt.
• Study the "Bardo Thodal" or Tibetan Book of the Dead.
• Rob the nearest bank and head for the "red-light" district (what could happen?).
• Don't pay the IRS jack-shit! (in which case you pray for the freakin' apocalypse!).
• How to know when the time has come? - LOOK AT YOUR CALENDAR, STUPID!
• Put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye!
• Watch all of your recorded stuff which you never got around to watching.
• Get drunk, party, eat twice your body weight, max out all your credit cards, and have lots of unprotected sex with many partners, all at the same time.
• Pray to Jesus, Buddha, God, Allah, Yaweh, The Nine Divines, Zeus, Dagon, Raptor Jesus, Aku Aku, Chuck Norris, Virgin Mary, that Elephant-headed six-armed Hindu god, and finally, Jack Bauer to save your sorry ass.
• Make friends with death and try to talk him out-of-it.
• Do something that will actually make survival possible. Like making a fucking asbestos bunker or something.

[edit] How to Cheat nature and Die before the 2012 event ?

Steps :

• Wake up from your computer and lose some calories by walking out of your house
• Go to the nearest wine shop and buy some whisky
• Mix some water in your whisky and some rat poison and drink it if you want to die a very easy death

Or

• Wake up from your computer and lose some calories by walking out of your house
• Go to the nearest DVD Store
• Buy a New Moon Twilight Movie Saga movie DVD
• Watch the movie until you die a very hard death

[edit] Post Apocalypse

• December 22, 2012
• Post Apocalypse

[edit] See also

• Nibiru
• Doomsday
• Mayan Calendar
• 2012 Doomsday prediction
• The Big Crunch
• Microsoft
• Y2K Bug
• The Dutch claim it is 2220 and not 2012

[edit] References

[edit] External link

• The History Channel, 2012 program listings and video clips.
• http://el2012.wordpress.com/
• 2012 the Movie
• Some guy going on about it
• [1]