We assume that you've come to Uncyclopedia having just been on the receiving end of an extensive ear battering from some crazy conspiracy theorist who has been trying to convince you about their own preposterous theories regarding exactly how the world will end on Dec. 21, 2012.
Well firstly let us put your mind at rest. There is virtually no serious evidence whatsoever to suggest this to be the case other than a few minor predictions made by Nostradamus, Cibyl, The Bible, NASA, the Mayan Calendar, Rock, paper, scissors, Merlin, Houdini, Joan of Arc, Timothy Leary, William Westmoreland, Ann Landers, Joan Rivers, Roland Emmerich, and not to forget the Hopi people, who might have predicted their own rise and fall, although it is unlikely they will admit it.
Based on these rather dubious sources it is reasonable to assume that everything is going to remain exactly as it currently is. So don't go listening to those moronic conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can't stand it's raving conspiracy theorists.
Top Methods of Destruction
But if by some remote chance the apocalypse does happen how exactly might it unfold? That is a very good question. So for the sake of spreading chaos we offer a list of doomsday scenarios, such as:
- A super-dimensional being playing the Earth as a golf ball using a 9 Iron to chip the Earth into the center of this Galaxy for a perfect "black-hole-in-one";
- The earth is clobbered by a dirty great rock;
- A planetary pole shift caused by too many people leaving Poland;
- The Sun firing a huge solar blast which strikes the Earth and fries every living being to a crisp;
- The Y2K bug shags the HIV bug to produce the plague;
- Climate change causing the climate to change by either freezing, cooking or more likely boring the human race to death by not actually changing very much at all;
- The human factor might be Ivan in Russia pushing the wrong goddamn button. Dumb Billy-Bob in USA pushing the wrong goddamn button. Nigel in UK pushing the wrong goddamn button. One Hung Lo in China pushing the wrong goddamn button. North Korea wishing they had a wrong-goddamn button to push. Or Iran wishing they knew what a button looked like;
- Angry at being demoted to a Dwarf Planet, Pluto gets its revenge;
- Those idiots at CERN finally collide somethings.
- The earth simply explodes in one all consuming massive quake, flood, and volcanic eruption, much as a wet dog shakes off fleas.
Apart from an obvious reason such as spontaneous combustion, some other possible reasons for the apocalypse are listed as follows:
- America voted for "change";
- The Sun rises in the center of the Milky Way Galaxy just like the last time 260,000 years ago, give or take a few millennia;
- Jack Bauer may have cursed the screen writers of 24 to die on Dec 21, 2012;
- The Mayans end their calendar on that day;
- HAARP backfires;
- As well there could be any number of other reasons which we leave you to ponder in abject horror.
Why December 21, 2012?
But why might the above happen at this precise time? There must be some reason why crazy conspiracy theorists think these catastrophes will occur on this particular date. Well, after literally weeks of careful reverting of good edits, bogus sockpuppet creations, and shooting-up perverts, Uncyclopedia has been able to distill the knowledge gathered from the collective consciousness into the following reason:
|“||Nostradamus drew 3 eclipses above a monster over a tree.||”|
Only a single Maya inscription, “Tortuguero”, directly mentions the end of the 13th baktun, which corresponds to 23:18 A.M. on Dec 21, 2012. It has been defaced several times over, though Mayan scholar Mr. T has attempted to conjure up a translation:
- Tzuhtz-(a)j-oom u(y)-uxlajuun pik
- (ta) Chan Ajaw ux(-te') Uniiw.
- Uht-oom ...
- Y-em(al) Bolon Yookte' K'uh ta
TRANSLATION: "Listen up, fool! On December 21, 2012, yo, yo family, and all yo mothafuckin' friends can kiss my fancy ass good bye." And further, "Bolon Yookte K'uh ta" means, "ain't gonna be no rematch!"
A less trendy explanation of why the Mayan Calender ends abruptly is that the Mayan Civilization hasn't been around of late to make a new one because we slaughtered the entire civilization shortly after 'discovering' it. The arrival of the invaders was apparently something which they predicted exactly to the day. No really, to the day. Bullshit? Well look it up.... anyway ... Did we mention the 8,000 books they had? ... and that we apparently torched all but three of them, and that it's mostly from these three books that we actually get all our information about them, and ... What was in the other books? And why in the name of Pee Wee Herman did they burn them all?
Ringo Starr's book, The Secret Teachings of All Ages, inspired further speculation by George, Paul and John in the mid-1970s, noting the relationship of December 21, 2012 with the winter solstice. This date causes the Galactic Alignment - when Earth passes through the Dark Riff, which is mega cool, like an AC/DC power chord. Unless "shit happens" like the cops show up, or your boyfriend gets pregnant.
The Dark Riff
According to Rockologists the Dark Riff is actually "Purple Haze", or, maybe, "My Generation", or "Smoke On the Water", or "Train Kept-a Rollin'", or "Beat It", or "Hell's Bells", though the commonly accepted version is "Sunshine of Your Love," yet it is actually "Back in Black" that's the real Dark Riff. Note: Some wankers are such disagreeable sods that they might attempt to dispute this foregone conclusion.
Omens of Impending Apocalypse
But precisely how will we know when the end is nigh? Surely there must be a method by which it is possible to identify when the end is coming? Surely there is some clue with which the beginning of the demise of our planet can be identified? Well, after literally days of careful trolling, admin badgering, and reverting of IPs without checking the edits carefully, Uncyclopedia has been able to distill the knowledge gathered from the collective sub-consciousness into the following ominous sign:
|“||The calender says 'Dec. 21, 2012'||”|
Other Top Indicators
Other clear indications that the apocalypse is about to strike might be:
- Taps is the only song on the new Metallica album of the same name (which is free);
- Birds are all flying straight up;
- People's reflection in the mirror looks like an x-ray;
- The White House is deserted;
- The Pentagon is AWOL;
- Old Faithful quits;
- You hear a booming voice in the sky say, "There's my ball!";
- A 22-mile-high tsunami casts a shadow over your country;
- The Sun starts getting really, really big;
- You perceive a cosmic ripping sound;
- Everything suddenly goes blank
Doomsday Feeding Frenzy
Interest in the 2012 doomsday prediction has spread rapidly in recent years as a result of a groundswell of Internet sites and blogs, as well as numerous books and television series on the subject. These have caused everyone to think, "Holy SHIT!" As well the old Motown hit No where to run to, baby, no where to hide! Is permanently at number one on Billboard.
Over recent years the television network the History Channel has played a major role in scaring the hell out of everyone with their dreadful ideas regarding 2012. In its coverage, it relates to the present day a number of doomsday prophecies derived from non-Mayan sources, referencing (among others) predictions ascribed to the Hopi people, the Book of Revelation by John of Patmos, the Cumaean Sybil, the quatrains of Nostradamus (which specifically mention the end of the world) and a version of the anonymous 14th-century Vaticinia de Summis Pontificibus that the History Channel has dubbed The Lost Verse of The Lost Chapter of The Lost Book of Lost-radamus, as well as the prophecies of the semi-legendary Merlin, Mama Shipton, and Charles Manson.
Top Survival Methods
So how do you best survive the rapidly approaching disaster which just might befall us all? There must be some way which mankind can avoid whatever catastrophe might choose to end it all on this fateful day? Well, after literally minutes of careful huffing of articles, random protection of pages, and diligent use of the word Penis in the IRC Channel Uncyclopedia has been able to condense the knowledge gathered from the collective ignorance into the following opinion:
|“||Kill yourself before Dec. 21, 2012. All those who are already dead will be the only survivors.||”|
Other useful tips
Please note and remember the following suggested precautions:
- Emigrate to another Solar System;
- Grab your shovel and start digging;
- Accept Jesus as your life boat (which is no way to treat a friend!);
- Sit down, stick your elbow in your ear and practice Yoga (it's all an illusion anyway);
- Grab the kids, sit on the roof of your house and watch the show while eating pop corn;
- Place a brown paper bag over your head, lie on the ground and accept it,
- Throw your mother-in-law into a volcano (may not actually help but it's just a sensible precaution anyway);
- Study the Bardo Thodal, the Tibetan Book of the Dead, the Egyptian Book of the Dead, or the Christian Book of the Dead;
- Watch all of that stuff you downloaded but never got around to watching;
- Draw a circle around your place using a chalk, then run around inside that circle like a retard with a handgun;
- Do something that will make survival possible - like building a floating asbestos bunker;
In conclusion it is important to realize that all the above and many more methods are actually unable to save your sorry life. Therefore the best advice we can suggest is that you don't go listening to any moronic conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can't stand it's raving conspiracy theorists.
- ↑ Bah! This is a paragraph disguised as a bloody list
- ↑ Bah! This is a list disguised as a bloody list
- ↑ Armageddon series. The History Channel (2008). Retrieved on 2009-05-01.
- ↑ Documentary program. 2012: End of Days. The History Channel (2007).
- ↑ See Lemesurier, P., The Nostradamus Encyclopedia, Thorsons/St Martin's Press, 1997, p.152; The Unknown Nostradamus, O Books, 2003, p.95
- ↑ Gruber, Dr. E. R., advice to the History Channel's producers delivered at their request, July 2007, republished in the Nostradamus Research Group October 2007, on the basis of a copy in his possession
- ↑ See the History Channel's Doomsday 2012. The End Of Days