Decapitation Disease

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

Template:Quarantine Decapitation Disease is the most deadly disease in the world. It is an airborne virus which attaches itself to sharp objects including, but not limited to, knives, machetes, helicopter blades, and the mouths of bears. When infected objects come into contact with a vulnerable part of the body (primarily the neck) with enough frequency or force to successfully transmit the virus, the victim contracts Decapitation Disease. Once contracted, the disease is incurable and untreatable; 100% of its victims die within seconds of showing initial symptoms. Symptoms of decapitation disease include profuse bleeding, loss of motor control of the lower body, and instant separation of the head from the neck.

Myths Surrounding Decapitation Disease

  1. Myth: Decapitation Disease is highly contagious, so you should stay away from victims.
    • Answer: No. Fortunately, decapitation disease does not transmit from person to person. So you can hang out with headless bodies as much as you want, creepy as that is.
  2. Myth: Not everyone who gets decapitation disease will die.
    • Answer: Not true. Everyone who gets stricken with decapitation disease dies, regardless of genetic disposition.
  3. Myth: Anything sharp could transmit decapitation disease.
    • Answer: True. Anything, anything at all, that is sharp could transmit decapitation disease, although, as more of the virus on an object=more likely to transmit decapitation disease and dull objects have less of the disease on them, it is harder to contract decapitation disease from said dull objects.
  4. Myth: Emo people want to get decapitation disease.
    • Answer: True. Those punks will do anything to get attention.
  5. Myth:Lasers and light sabers could also spread decapitation disease.
    • Answer: False. How could a person get decapitation disease without anything sharp to transmit it? And light sabers are made-up. Besides, ever actually hear of anybody with his head cut off by a laser beam? I rest my case.
  6. Myth: Decapitation disease is just God's punishment for the abomination of kitten huffing.
    • Answer: False. There is no statistically significant link between kitten huffing and Decapitation Disease, unless one uses the not well-known razor blade technique.
  7. Myth: Grues can spread decapitation disease.
    • Answer: False. While Grues may remove the head initially, they do not stop at the head and thus are not true carriers of Decapitation disease.



A diagram intended to explain the effects of decapitation disease to poor third world countries.

The molecular structure of the virus causes it to attach to the sharpest parts of things, particularly edges, so the amount of virus carried by an object is proportional to the length of the sharp edge and the sharpness of the edge. Therefore, machetes, bandsaws, katanas, and aircraft propellers carry large amounts of the virus; razor blades and nail clippers are less infected, and needles (although very sharp) are not very infected because only a tiny area of the object is pointy enough to harbor the virus. However, if the individual is repeatedly infected by a small, dull object, such as a butter knife, it could result in decapitation disease.

Naturally, blunt objects, such as baseball bats, two-by fours, and potatoes, contain only minute traces of the virus. However, if the object is travelling at very high speeds, it can travel deep into the vulnerable tissues of the inner neck where the virus will multiply rapidly. So even an apparently "safe" object, such as a frozen turkey, if fired out of a cannon at 300mph, could result in contraction of Decapitation Disease. Soft objects, such as sofa cushions, Jell-O, and liquids are, for all practical purposes, sterile. However, it is better to be safe than sorry: one should simply assume that all objects are infected until proven otherwise.


Foremost among the methods to prevent Decapitation Disease is to simply avoid sharp objects. The Centers for Disease Control in Atlanta have published several scientific studies in the highly esteemed New England Journal of Medicine which suggest that sharp things are the number one source of infection. However, avoiding sharp objects is a problematic means of disease prevention in the modern world, due to the requirement that all juggling acts involve at least one chainsaw.

While cases of self-infection are rare, cases have been reported in respectable tabloids. To lower chances of self-infection, the Surgeon General recommends that you keep any and all sharp things away from your throat, as the throat is the area most susceptible to infection.

Testing objects for their level of infectedness is difficult unfortunately, as Decapitation Disease does not like to grow in laboratory cultures. The only way to test for the presence of the virus is to attempt to infect someone with the virus. Initial attempts by the CDC to set up a Decapitation Disease testing facility were hampered by lack of volunteers, and an animal testing facility was eventually set up instead. This facility attempted to infect thousands of animals, such as white rats, hamsters, puppies, and kittens with various objects such as hatchets, hacksaws, meat cleavers, and shovels. Although such testing has prevented thousands of cases of Decapitation Disease, misguided and poorly-informed animal rights activists have labelled these experiments "unnecessary", "cruel", and "sick" and sought an end to testing.

A common practice successfully used to prevent decapitation disease is to wear a foot-thick strip of lead or other hard metal around the neck. While this practice does significantly decrease one's chances of contracting decapitation disease, the weight may cause the neck to break, thereby nullifying the preventive qualties of this treatement. Due to that and several other factors including lead poisoning, this practice of prevention is discouraged by most doctors.

History of decapitation disease


An artist's conception of this transmitter of decapitation disease.

Decapitation Disease has been around for as long as sharp things have. In 1979, archaeologists unearthed a 200,000 year old Neanderthal skeleton exhibiting classic signs of decapitation disease, such as a head buried in a separate grave. About a week later, the same archeologists found a primitive stone tool, which was tested for antibodies of Decapitation Disease. The results were ambiguous: the first archaeologist concluded that the tool was contaminated with viable traces of the virus, while the second archaeologist strongly disagreed with this conclusion, claiming that he would stake his life that the tool was not infected with active virus. The first archaeologist then attempted to infect the second archaeologist. Although it took five minutes of repeated attempts to successfully infect the second archaeologist, his head eventually detached spontaneously from his body, thereby confirming the first archaeologist's suspicions. This was hailed as definitive proof that the Decapitation Disease virus can remain dormant for thousands of years.

Decapitation Disease was particulary prevalent in the middle ages and Renaissance, when the battleaxe and sword were supplanted as the primary carriers of Decapitation Disease by the guillotine. This monstrosity was used to transmit the disease to prisoners of war and opponents of the government in an early form of germ warfare. Thanks to advancements in the field of capital punishment however, this gruesome device has been replaced with the electric chair, which transmits the harmless Electrocution Disease. During the late 1700s, there was a decapitation disease epidemic in France, which was spread by the revolutionaries. Fortunately, the epidemic subsided after several years. Due to the decline of sharp things being used on the battlefield, cases of war time Decapitation Disease are few and far between.

Decapitation Disease in the Modern World

There has been a steady decline in the number of reported cases of Decapitation Disease each year in the United States, primarily due to public service messages that have increased awareness of this disease among the American public. Unfortunately, other countries (such as iRaq, for example) also form part of the modern world. A particularly virulent strain of Decapitation Disease has reared its ugly bodyless head most famously on Al Jazeera's popular reality shows The Weakest Neck and I'm An Infidel Head, Get Me Off This Body.

The Future of Decapitation Disease

The future of this deadly ailment is uncertain, but experts speculate that Decapitation Disease will never truly be eradicated, especially if what we see in Sci-fi horror movies is any indication. However, as public awareness of decapitation disease increases, medical experts believe that cases worldwide, or at least in developed countries, will drop drastically. In the near future, however, scientists predict an epidemic of Decapitation Disease in the Middle East, so it's best to stay away from there for the next five to fifteen years.

Good Small Nominated Article
This article has been nominated for highlighting on the front page—you can vote for it or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH. Please see this article's entry.
242 Day Divine Retribution
Smite | Damnation | Flagellation | Flood | Death of Your First Born | Frogs | Pestilence
Fire and Brimstone | Famine | Cancer | Papercuts of Doom | Damaged goods | Reaganomics
Spontaneous Combustion | Decapitation Disease | Brainsplurge | Marriage | Melenoma | Pedicornwallification
Personal tools