Death metal
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The roots of Death metal can traced back to 2000 BC when the Anasazi discovered a new emotion: Rage. The Anasazi did not no how to express this feeling, so they kept it bottled up until one day an Anasazi man named Ch'thzhlu'tu (Pronounced tom) lost his temper and hit his best friend Ch'lith Zhu (Pronounced Warble) over the head with a rock. This sound helped relive Ch'thzhlu'tu's rage, so he did it again. Soon, hitting Ch'lith Zhu with a rock became a common way to release rage. But one day Ch'lith Zhu had been beaten so badly that he was just a smear on the ground, so the Anasazi had to hit something else. They made small statues resembling Ch'lith Zhu to hit. These statues became known as Drums. Soon the Anasazi found that drums were not enough, so they added downtuned guitars, basses and incoherent shouting to the sound. However, it wasn't until Cookie Monster in his band Cannibal Cookies that death metal found their trademark vocal style.
Other sources suggest death metal was formed from a over cooked fruit bat that escaped from a George Foreman grill. Ozzy Osbourne then bit the head off the bat and spewed blood over a guitar amp. This caused a paradox in time, merging death with metal.
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[edit] Symptoms of Death Metal
Listening to this type of music usually induces brain hemorrhaging, which leads to bleeding of the ears. Bleeding ears in the Death Metal culture is highly fashionable, which means ears must be bleeding at all times. This shows that you listen to the loud, gravelly buzz noise that is Death metal and are therefore cooler than everyone. It could also mean that you took too many drugs. Other symptoms include: having a neck larger than your head, bloody diarrhea from constant exposure to deadly bass lines, moshpititus, and surprisingly, death.
One of the confusing things for many Death Metal bands is that they are always being told by adoring fans that they are 'sick'. "Dude, that is sick." "Dude, you're sick." "Sick performance." "That's a sick riff." "Sick vokills man." Countless hours in emergency rooms and doctors' offices has not given Death Metal bands the answer they need: namely, why am I always so 'sick'? Researchers in Norway, Slovenia, Antartica and other Death Metal hotbeds have spent decades analyzing microscopic bacteria found in the body hair and beards of many Death Metal band members. Dr. DeRay DeVorkian, clinical researcher at the University of Norway believes he may have pinpointed the cause of the universal 'sick'ness found in many Death Metal bands. DeVorkian writes, "My team of researchers believes that the microscopic bacterium known as Metallus Morbidus may be behind the maladies so prevalent in the Death Metal community. We recommend that all Death Metal bands be innoculized at least once a year against this bacteria."
[edit] Death Metal Guitar Techniques
The guitar techniques of death metal guitarists are named after brutal things they do to people
The Chop - Hitting the first string then immediatly hitting the second string with an upwards stroke. Invented by the guitarist of As Blood Runs Black(Jimi Hendrix), chopping is a very powerful technique in the death metal world. The guitarist of As Blood Runs Black named it this shortly after "chop"ping his grandmother to pieces and placing her in a brown paper bag.
The Chug - The chug can only be performed in drop BLEGH tuning. Hit the string with a hard downstroke while holding one basic fret(mostly used during breakdowns). Invented by the guitarist of Carnifex(Angus Young) after "Chug"ging an entire bottle of jaiger, throwing up, putting it back in the bottle, and chugging it again, it's the most brutal form of making a breakdown.
The Sweep - This was invented by either the guitarist of All Shall Perish or the ex guitarist of the Human Abstract they fought to the death over it thus causing the downfall of both bands. You use you pick in a sweeping motion while hitting the highest frets on the guitar (78 and 79)
The Brown Chord - Invented by the guitarist of Emmure(Eddie Van Halen) called the brown chord because it's so brutal and powerful it makes you shit your pants
The Squeal - Invented by the guitarist of Slipknot(Jason Vorhees) he heard the noise after killing his own daughter and thought it was the most brootiful sound he'd ever heard. He tried to make the sound on the guitar and finally suceeded once. The only man on earth to master the squeal is Man Bear Beast(Zakk Wylde)
[edit] How to Recognise Death Metal
As most metal sounds the same most people cannot tell the difference unless they have spent years blowing their ears out and getting depressed. However there are common characteristics of all death metal that may assist in identifying a death metal band. While to the untrained ear, all Death Metal songs go like this: chuggachuggachugga hurghhh hurggghhh hurrggghhh chuggachuggachuggachuggachugga... those trained in the higher art known as Deathus Metalus (its Latin root), know the following:
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| Guitar and Bass |
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| Drums |
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| General |
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It is also well known that a good Death Metal album is called a "slab" while a shitty one is called "deathcore".
[edit] The Squiggly Lines Phenomenon
An examination of most death metal band's logos will reveal a simple equation used to determine certain factors about the band. The rule is as follows:
The harder it is to read, the more death metal the band is.
Some death metal bands choose to engage in the process of 'bleeing' when drawing their logos. In this fashion, bands choose to simply draw random lines instead of actually including their name in the logo. This makes the band even more death metal.
Arguably the most popular artist involved in death metal logo creating is Michael J. Fox, who's rival is the original artist of Death Metal, Muhammed Ali.
[edit] Why do people want to listen to Death Metal?
The reason for this is quite simple, really: People want to listen to death metal because they are insane, retarded or, or because the great deity they worship known as Satan demands it, or when a man is insecure about his sexual inclination, listening to death metal will immediately make that man irreversibly heterosexual.
Death Metal is also a way to appease sadistic psychos, metalheads and insecure "manly men", however, exposing these people to too much death metal will make them go on a rampage where they will rape and kill your children, then sacrifice their souls to Satan. Known killers that listen to death metal are the Columbine murderers, the 'Virginia Chink', George W. Bush, Doel López, that one Cuban bloke, and every single killer in human history. Scientists are currently working on an experiment that will probably prove the fact that animals that kill also listen to death metal.
[edit] What are the people who listen to it like?
The younger generation who claim to listen to the said type of music, are normally poseurs; people who try their best to gain friends of their kind. But of course they should know, listening to Death Metal is cool, which leads back to the point.
The older generation however, consists of fat, hairy, balding, biker men. They usually walk around in lots of leather, and carry bottles of liquor in brown paper bags with them everywhere they go. Some of them wear bandanas, not to be confused with bananas or the duodenum. These such people walk around in packs, grunting when spoken to and spitting when speaking to. Their language is a jumble of 'Eurrs', 'Yrrs' and 'Oiis'. To make it easier to imagine, think of a drunken pirate.
Anyone to confuse Goths or Emos with Metalheads should think twice before addressing a true metalhead as such. Ever had a your gonads smashed by a ball-pin hammer? (quote from Cattle Decapitation's Testicular Manslaughter!) I think not!!
A Death Metallers only weakness is a haircut. This is due to them being descended from such legendary long-haired warriors as Samson, Thor and Fabio.
Those who decide to persue the art of Death Metal (or 'stabbing the badger') may decide to go beyond the outer regions of their local guitar store and into the back room, in order to meet with satan himself (or Matt Heafy) and purchase a 7-string guitar. This, as many Metal heads, Goths and Madonna fans will know, is the source of all True Death Metal Ability. It is written that World War II began when Hitler was given a 7-string for his 16th birthday.
[edit] Popular Death Metal Acts
- Blink 182
- NWA
- Coldplay
- Metallica
- Necro-Deth Cannibals from Hell
- Wham!
- James Brown
- Creedence Clearwater Revival
- The Beatles
- Michael Bolton
- Hulk Hogan
[edit] Clean Death Metal
Clean death metal is just like 'Death Metal' but they also sing and play about cleaning up after massacring people with ice picks and hammers, Such Lyrics like "RIP YOUR GUTS OUT THEN EXTREME CLEANING WITH MY THROUGHLY AJAXS SOAKED CLOTHHHH!!!" This genre came out so people who like death metal are warned of the Effects of AIDS and salmonella whilst killing people.
Clean Metal is also likes to sing about how to clean other things like the family car and the dog Such songs as 'Brutal Disenfectioning the Scab' By Brutal Disinfection.
