Death camps

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Holocaust oven
Despite its gloomy appearence, this oven was the site of hours and hours of fun.
“I hear they were kinda nice. I wanted to go to one.”
~ Anne Frank on death camps
“Nobody vent home unhappy.”
~ Heinrich Himmler on death camps

Death camps©, despite their gloomy name, were a series of fun and entertaining holiday, winter, and summer camps in the Third Reich (Nazi Germany). They were part of a project to create a virtual paradise for the Jews as well as other non-Aryan races called the Holocaust™, also known as "Die Endlösung der Judenfrage" meaning "the End of the Singing Jew" (as the singing Jew would die of happiness). The collection of these camps was supervised by none other than Schutzstaffel-head Heinrich Himmler.

Most of the death camps operated from 1941 to early 1945, serving joy and happiness to hundreds, thousands or even hundred-thousands of Jews, Gypsies, homosexuals, communists, loonies, Jehovah's Witnesses, Freemasons, and idiots simultaneously (though it was most common for loonies and idiots to be euthanized, or made younger, by their doctors). Usually, this happiness distribution took place in large buildings filled with the super-fun carbon monoxide gas, though the more expensive but much more fun Zyklon-B [1] gas was sometimes used.[2] The camps outrageous parties were notoriously known throughout the Reich, and it is believed to be the origin of the term Nazi Party.

"Death camp" is, of course, a rather gloomy term for such cool and exciting places. From now on, to keep the mood from going rotten, the camps shall be referred to as Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps as that is, in essence, what the camps brought.

edit Activities

edit Pizza

Pizza was one of the most popular games played in the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps because of the incredible amount of fun it was to play. In Pizza, several people would take turns pretending to be pizza dough and going through the fun steps of pizza preparation. The dough would be kneaded, rolled, and beaten by the baker (who was always a camp counselor) until it was nice, soft, and flat. At that point, the person playing the dough would be covered in a creamy, though sometimes runny red sauce. Cheese would then be sprinkled on top of the layer of sauce, in addition to various toppings such as pepperoni, olives, sausage, and sometimes even gasoline or some sort of lighter fluid. When the dough was finished, the person was put into an oven and cooked to later be served for dinner to hungry campers.

Although the person would sometimes scream while being cooked, this fact is misleading. The screaming was due to the overdosage of fun. Sometimes, the overdosage was so great it became painful, feeling almost as if you were being burned alive in a crematorium. Of course, the fun factor of this game was an extremely high 7.8 out of 5.[3]

edit Massing

Massing wasn't as popular in the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps as most of the other activities, though it was commonly played in concentration camps. The objective of the game was to see how many people could fit into a certain area. The spaces chosen differed among the two types of camps: Concentration camps often chose small, cramped spaces such as buildings and cabins, though large ditches were also chosen; the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps, however, held games only in large ditches. This was due to numerous campers' claustrophobia.

When the number of players involved in Massing began to reach great heights, the game often turned into an orgy. Unfortunately, the large amount of participants in such games-turned-orgies made suffocation a huge problem. In addition, the sweat and happy juice produced by these large orgies made drowning a risk. Regrettably, the ditches were sometimes filled on accident by camp counselors in the middle of games. Sometimes, the people playing died from overdoses of fun and died while still in the ditch. Thus, the participants also had to be buried voluntarily sometimes. This, sadly, was a side-effect of all the fun.

edit Fasting

Fasting, like Massing, wasn't as popular in the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps as it was in the concentration camps (it required serious mental strength...). The game was a very straining battle of fitness and perseverance. The participants would compete to see who could survive the longest without food, and sometimes water. As such, games were often very long. Most lasted a couple of weeks (allowing the consumption of water; disallowing water, the time was a couple days). The longest recorded game of Fasting spanned over two years. Sometimes, spectators would bet on who would win each game.

edit The Camps

In total, there were seven death Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps:Butlins Birkenau, Auschwitz, Treblinka, Sobibór, Chełmno, Bełżec, Dachau, Grossinger's, and Mäĵđąňĕķ. Auschwitz, of course, is the most famous of these camps, as it was the site of Himmler's Heroes, a popular T.V. show.

The Happy-Happy Joy-Joy Camps (in brief)
Camp Name
Time in Service
Reason for Closing Down
Number of People Made Happy
Birkenau 1941 - 1945 The Soviet Union spoiled the party when it raided the place on January 27, 1945. About 1,400,000
Auschwitz 1941 - 1945 The Soviet Union spoiled the party when it raided the place on January 27, 1945. Again. About 1,400,000
Treblinka 1942 - 1943 The ungrateful Jews became greedy for fun after the happiness of Treblinka, and revolted against their evil nice SS counselors, believing they could run it better, Sadly, they couldn't, and the camp closed. Over 800,000
Sobibór 1942 - 1943 The Jews revolted and ran away. It is believed to be the Soviet Union's fault. 170,000
Chełmno 1941 - 1943, 1944 The camp's crematorium oven exploded in 1943, thus prevent the cooking of Jews tasty foods such as Soylent Green. It reopened in 1944, but sadly, it didn't attract many campers. At least 152,000*

*By far, the under-achiever of the camps. Thus, its administrator was eliminated.

Bełżec 1942 Jews stopped coming to the camp, instead preferring to attend the nearby Auschwitz, which was reportedly much more fun. 436,000½*

*Gypsies count as ½ a person by German standard

Mäĵđąňĕķ 1941 - 1944 The Soviet Union came and spoiled the party again. Or it might not have. But knowing Stalin's notority for hating Nazi parties, they probably did.*

*It is believed this is because captured Soviet soldiers were often sent to enjoy the death Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps, while Stalin never was.

78,000 – 235,000*

*Estimated. Someone burned the paperwork in the crematorium, which was then exploded shortly thereafter. Fortunately, there was enough Soylent Green stored to prevent starvation.

Warsaw 1942 - 1943 Ordered to be destroyed before the Soviets could ruin it. Instead, the Polish ruined it. Unknown.
Jasenovac
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Irrelevant, as it was not a Nazi Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camp.
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Grossinger's1922 - 1941Henry Ford thought this one up and jumped the gun. This was out in the Catskills and was not a Nazi camp either. But Ford was a pal of Hitler, after all. Pearl Harbor put it out of business. Too many to count.
O'Brien Death Camp1975 - PresentO'Brien still open today, one of the last outposts for super fun time68,000

edit Myths

  • Myth: The death Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps were for killing Jews.
    • Reality: No. Well, yes, but no. The camps were for giving fun to the Jews.
  • Myth: The death Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps smelled of dead bodies.
    • Reality: Actually, the camps were lemon scented and refreshed the Jews when they went for their frequent torture fun walks.
  • Myth: Conditions in the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps were horrible.
    • Reality: Absolutely false. The camps were rated off the charts on scale of fun and cleanliness by Nazi review teams.
  • Myth: People that came to Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps were not expected to live more than a day.
    • Reality: Yes. The camps were that fun.
  • Myth: The people in the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps were extremely skinny due to the lack of feeding.
    • Reality: Partially true. Their slender physique was due to revolutionary Nazi dieting techniques. They needed this to fit into the Strength-through-Joy car.
  • Myth: Soylent Green is people.
    • Reality: What the hell's that got to do with anything?
  • Myth: Pizza is still being played today and is one of funniest games ever.
    • Reality: It is indeed.
  • Myth: Bret Michaels attends Happy Happy Joy Joy camps every summer.
    • Reality: Actually, Bret Michaels runs the Happy Happy Joy Joy camps, His favourite thing to do is torture sing for the Jews.

edit Controversy

All of the awesome, revolutionary elements in the death Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps were opposed by much of the world, sadly. Thus, soon after the camps were discovered by the nations attacking Germany, swift action was taken against the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy camps and what they stood for. The world banned death camps in the Geneva Convention, labelling the camps as a "crime against humanity". In addition, many Nazi leaders were indicted and tried for war crimes, crimes against peace, conspiring to commit crimes against peace, crimes against humanity, crimes against peace, and more crimes against peace. Almost all were found guilty, and almost all were hanged.

It was a sad day for fun.

edit References

  1. sometimes Zyklon-A or Zyklon-C or even Zyklon-D, but never Zyklon-Genocide.
  2. Göbbels, Dr. Paul Joseph The History of Various Poisonous Gasses in Happiness, vol. 2: The Holocaust.
  3. National Socialist Magazine, issue 666, "The Fun of the Happy-Happy Joy-Joy Camps".

edit See also

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