Death (Person)

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The New Look of Death

Death is an androgynous, powerful, immortal being that represents the concept of the same name. He's also a pretty fun guy. A former horseman of the apocalypse, Death has since retired, and is living his unlife out on the green. In recent times, commonality of his image has forced him to change his stature for something different, in order to attract less attention.

Death enjoys golf, warm cups of tea, dark clothing, dark colours, and the occasional canary. Although she is rarely seen outside of her new state, she sometimes makes guest appearances in his old habit, as US Senator Orrin Hatch.

She still does parties, however, but could not be reached for commentary regarding costs.

edit But people still fear death, here's what they think

“All men live, but not all men really die so get a life motherfuckers!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Death

Death goes by different disguises in different cultures. Death lives in Sweden under the disguise of a giant moose. To Europeans, she is the Grim Reaper, a scythe-wielding skeleton in black robes. In the Bible, she is depicted as a pale figure on a pale horse. To the Hindus, Death is called Yama, and rides a black buffalo. To the Creatures of the Moon, she is an asteroid collision. However, it is widely accepted that Death actually is a Red Ring. This is a myth, and she has, since the beginning of time, stayed as a 21 year old boygirl, except when visiting Mormons, when she takes on her more traditional form of the skeleton in a robe to scare them (she loves Mormons). Death took a holiday during 442-443. As a consequence she had to send in some plagues a little bit later.

edit Background


Back in her teenage years, Death had a rivalry with the lusty Cupid for unknown reasons. Maybe she just hated winged midgets.

Death (known as 'Evy' to her friends) first got her job years ago around the beginning of time. God walked up to Death and said, "Hey, I got a job I need someone to do. You doing anything right now?" And Death replied, "Sure, the Apocalypse thing's screwed anyway, I've got nothing better going on." God said, "OK, great. See, we've got this little problem..." and he explains all about Eve, and the snake, and the apple, and how now everything has to die. Death thinks "Man, this is kind of extreme... if you don't want people grabbing your fruit, just put it in a fruit bowl in your kitchen like a normal person." But hey, who's gonna argue with God?

Death was then given the ability to reward or punish the living. She was given the power to know what all people are doing, all the time, sort of like the NSA but without the sexual harassment. She was given an apartment on level seven in heaven, above St. Peter's apartment (he complains about the noise every weekend due to her penchant to host 48-hour-long parties with her on-off boyfriend (who she met on her holiday in 442-443 AD)). Finally, she was given the power to travel rapidly across the world to do her work, visiting every house in the world in one evening if she has to. So when you think about it, Death is sorta like Santa... only she gives just the one gift to people naughty and nice alike, regardless of whether they celebrate her festive occasions. Unlike Creep Kringle, she doesn't do her job just to have all the children in the world's malls sit on her lap and lie to them, and her busy work schedule requires she travels more than one night a year, getting no vacations. In fact, being confused with Santa too many times eventually led her to become anorexic for a while, hence the skeletal appearance, also giving her an insatiable appetite for souls, resulting in the first two world wars, AIDS and wild fires when she binges, and zombies when she purges into heaven's toilets at parties.

Originally, Death didn't have a scythe. This was because it was still Stone Age times and they didn't have any metal tools. So she had to make do the available technology, and she would carry a pointed stick, or a big rock, and she wore the skin of a black bear. In the Middle Ages, Death took on her familiar scythe-and-cloak appearance. After a few hundred years, Death got sick of wearing a black snuggie all the time. After consulting her BFF Sailor Jupiter, she decided to wear a little black dress so she could have a flawless transition from tearing souls from people's bodies during the day to tearing up the dance floor with the Jesus Christ at the club.

These days, Death likes to wear a black raincoat and carries a weed-whacker. She still like minidresses, though. They're hawt. In the future, she will wear a tuxedo and carry a gun. At parties her attire consists of exclusively D&G tailor made clothes, varying from full length dresses to jeans and t-shirt. However, these are never in any colour but black. She wears black eye-liner and lipstick, but no foundation, due to the perfect nature of her skin. Because of this, she used to work for Olay as a second job during the heavenly recession, but since has dropped the job (some suspect it was because she was a target of teasing due to her emo appearance).

Death has gone on record saying her favourite food is Chocolate, however new sources say that it may be Tubby Custard. It has also come to light that she likes Margaritas in the 3:1:1. Though few have seen her do her work as corporate considers it a trade secret, it is still rather a fail.

Death has, at the time, written two books, both under false names: The Book Thief, and Cowboy Bebop: The Novel Adaptation. Both can be found and read at one's local Borders.

edit Dealing with Death


Avoid 20-Sided Dies

Although Death's entire purpose is to reap the souls of the living, she must closely follow the rules laid down for the afterlife. So in terms of alignment, she's lawful evil. This means that it is possible to bargain with Death. Death is partial to games - she loves nothing more than a good game, so if you find yourself face to face with the Reaper, it may be possible to offer to play against her for your life. Traditionally, this has meant a game of chess or a card game. These days, Death is into Halo, and many a poor n00b has gambled with his life, only to be pwned by Death's wicked Halo skills. Occasionally, she is challenged to a game of solitaire, which is the only game she cannot play apart from the game of Life. These challengers are normally found at the bottom of wells several days after they challenge her.

Even Death gets lonely sometimes. Flirting with Death however, is a risky pastime. Sometimes a person who wishes to save another person's life may dissuade Death from taking them by being sufficiently charming and attractive. But there is also the chance that should the would-be hero succeed in seducing Death, Death will take him/her with Death to the realm of the afterlife.

It is possible to benefit from death. Every death represents no loss of the number of toys on Planet Earth, but one less person grubbing for them. That means the survivors get to have it: A second home that is charming, apart from the musty smell and all the crap hung on the wall, a fine old car that still runs, a chance to go to Probate and jockey for some of the old man's stocks and bonds, and it may even be that a boyfriend or girlfriend will have freed up, though temporarily in no mood for a quick blowjob. Look at it this way: Every death means everyone else is one car-length ahead in tomorrow's commute.

edit Having a Funeral

After your death, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" which continues to grow and will only stop when the people are too far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.

A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally not advised as it has been shown that such ceremonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I apologize for any inconvenience this death may have caused," and "He/She was a total asshole anyway."

If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different religions use. There is a rumor that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.

At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastasized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favourite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.

Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.

edit See also

Common mental illnesses

Addiction | Attention Deficit Disorder | Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder | Anorexia | Autism | Awkwardness | Bipolar disorder | Bisexuality | Bulimia | Coldplay | Common sense | Compulsive Linking Disorder | Cornography Addiction | Corpsearianism | Death | Dianamania | Drug addiction | Dyscalculia | Dyslexia | EastEnders | Encyclopedia Dramatica (Website) | Environmentalism | Existence | Furries | Fishing | Finnegans Wake | Heterosexuality | Homosexuality | Hooliganism | Hypochondria | Ikea | Life | Masturbation | MWGS | Narcissism | Necrophilia | Necrophiliphobia | Niynelevenitis | Pacifism | Patriotism | Penis Envy | People Who Like to Fuck Naked | Particularly Compulsive Redundant Linking Disorder | Pyromania | Religion | Sarah Palin | Schizophrenia | Scottishness | Socks Addiction | Solipsism | Stupidity | Thinking | Tourettes Syndrome | Ugliness | Uncyclopedia Addiction | Vanity | Vegetarianism | VGA | Wikiholism

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