From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
A former horseman of the apocalypse, Death has since retired, and is living his unlife out on the green. In recent times, commonality of his image has forced him to change his stature for something different, in order to attract less attention.
Death enjoys golf, warm cups of tea, dark clothing, dark colours, and the occasional canary. Although she is rarely seen outside of her new state, she sometimes makes guest appearances in his old habit, as US Senator Orrin Hatch.
She still does parties, however, but could not be reached for commentary regarding costs.
But people still fear death, the here's what they think
“All men live, but not all men really die so get a life moherfuckers!”
Death goes by different guises in different cultures. Death lives in Sweden. To Europeans, she is the Grim Reaper, a scythe-wielding skeleton in black robes. In the Bible, she is depicted as a pale figure on a pale horse. To the Hindus, Death is called Yama, and rides a black buffalo. To the Creatures of the Moon, she is an asteroid collision. However, it is widely accepted that Death actually is a Red Ring. This is a myth, and she has, since the beginning of time, stayed as a 21 year old boygirl, except when visiting Mormons, when she takes on her more tradional form of the skeleton in a robe to scare them (She loves Mormons). Death took a holiday during 442-443, as a consequence she had to send in some plagues a little bit later. This was widely accepted as proper work. Death is the cause of 89.5% of dead people in this world...10.5% are grue related.
Death (known as 'Evy' to her friends) first got her job years ago around the beginning of time. God walked up to Death and said, "Hey, I got a job I need someone to do. You doing anything right now?" And Death replied, "Sure, the Apocalypse thing's screwed anyway, I've got nothing better going on." God said, "OK, great. See, we've got this little problem..." and he explains all about Eve, and the snake, and the apple, and how now everything has to die. Death thinks "Man, this is kind of extreme... if you don't want people grabbing your fruit, just put it in a fruit bowl in your kitchen like a normal person." But hey, who's gonna argue with God?
Death was then given the ability to reward or punish the living. She was given the power to know what all people are doing, all the time. She was given an apartment on level seven in heaven, above St. Peter's apartment (He complains about the noise every weekend due to her penchant to host 48-hour-long parties with her on-off boyfriend (who she met on her holiday in 442-443 AD)). Finally, she was given the power to travel rapidly across the world to do her work, visiting every house in the world in one evening if she has to. So when you think about it, Death is sorta like Santa... only that she doesn't do it to sniff little girls' panties in the night.
Originally, Death didn't have a scythe. This was because it was still Stone Age times and they didn't have any metal tools. So she had to make do the available technology, and she would carry a pointed stick, or a big rock, and she wore the skin of a black bear. In the Middle Ages, Death took on her familiar scythe-and-cloak appearance. After a few hundred years, Death got sick of wearing a black snuggie all the time. After consulting her BFF Sailor Jupiter, she decided to wear a little black dress so she could have a flawless transition from tearing souls from people's bodies during the day to tearing up the dance floor with the Jesus Christ at the club.
These days, Death likes to wear a black raincoat and carries a weed-whacker. She still like minidresses, though. They're hawt. In the future, she will wear a tuxedo and carry a gun. At parties her attire consists of exclusivly D&G talior made clothes, varying from full length dresses to jeans and t-shirt. However, these are never in any colour but black. She wears black eye-liner and lipstick, but no foundation, due to the perfect nature of her skin. Because of this, she used to work for Olay as a second job during the heavenly recession, but since has dropped the job (some suspect it was because she was a target of teasing due to her emo appearance).
Death has gone on record saying her favourite food is Chocolate, however new sources say that it may be Tubby Custard. It has also come to light that she likes Margaritas in the 3:1:1. Though few have seen her do her work, it is still rather a fail.
Death has, at the time, written two books, both under false names: The Book Thief, and Cowboy Bebop: the Novel Adaptation. Both can be found and read at one's local Borders.
Dealing with Death
Although Death's entire purpose is to reap the souls of the living, she must closely follow the rules laid down for the afterlife. So in terms of alignment, she's lawful evil. This means that it is possible to bargain with Death. Death is partial to games - she loves nothing more than a good game, so if you find yourself face to face with the Reaper, it may be possible to offer to play against her for your life. Traditionally, this has meant a game of chess or a card game. These days, Death is into Halo, and many a poor n00b has gambled with his life, only to be pwned by Death's wicked Halo skills. Occasionaly, she is challanged to a game of solitaire, which is the only game she cannot play apart from the game of Life. These challengers are normally found at the bottom of wells several days after they challenge her.
How to benefit from death...
- You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
- You can call dibs on their color TV.
- You can then play with your new stuff.
- One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
- They will have no children, so the little pricks won't disturb your peace.
- They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
- They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
- You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
- There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
- Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
- If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
- No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing his/her wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
- Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
- If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs.
- If you're in a war and all your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!
- You could be their long lost nephew and they probably might have been your millionaire uncle and you could inherit thier money. But in order to do so you would have to spend 30 million in 30 days in order to get the money with a set list of guidelines to follow resulting in hilarious shenanigans, and probably resulting in a film based on this venture co-starring John Candy.
- You will have yet another excuse to whine about on Facebook, Twitter, etc.
- If the person died by old age, instantly run to buy a lottery ticket. Your Chances of winning might increase by 250%.
- If you happen to be taken before your time, don't worry! You will be given an Elephant as a disclamer prize! Everyone loves Elephants.
Famous Last Words
World's Leading Causes of Death
“The world's number one cause of Death is... dying.”
Having been spooked by death and the uncertainty about existence following it, governments have taken to studying the causes of death. (At first they used witchcraft, and then masturbation, before settling on asking people at funerals how the guest of honor died. Nowadays, they pounce on doctors and guro specialists, and occasionally on each other. Or they look in fortune cookies or try it themselves and commit suicide. Let us know your favorite method.
Having a Funeral
After your death, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" which continues to grow and will only stop when the people are too far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.
A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally not advised as it has been shown that such ceremonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I apologize for any inconvenience this death may have caused," and "He/She was a total asshole anyway."
If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different religions use. There is a rumor that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.
At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastasized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favourite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.
Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.
Some people believe this happens, some don't, it has been proven by Chuck Norris that when you die, you become even more awesome than before, and live again, but that was Chuck Norris, it's different for everyone.
Depending on your personality, you could....
- Spend all of eternity in heaven
- Be reincarnated as something until you achieve Nirvana (the band?)
- Become a zombie and eat people's brains, and then get killed by Will Smith
- Come back to life as a REAL garlic fearing vampire (Not a Sparkly Douchebag)
- Go to hell
- Pack a LOT of Fudge
- Become a ghost
- Stay a rotting corpse in the ground until some idiots dig you up looking for treasure.
- Cease to exist completely.
- Become omnipotent.
- Top 10 ways to die
- HowTo: Commit The Perfect Murder
- Cemetery of the Absurd
- HowTo:Go into the light
- Being dead
- Grim Reaper
- Cowboy Bebop