Death (Person)

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The New Look of Death

A former horseman of the apocalypse, Death has since retired, and is living his unlife out on the green. In recent times, commonality of his image has forced him to change his stature for something different, in order to attract less attention.

Death enjoys golf, warm cups of tea, dark clothing, dark colours, and the occasional canary. Although she is rarely seen outside of her new state, she sometimes makes guest appearances in his old habit, as US Senator Orrin Hatch.

She still does parties, however, but could not be reached for commentary regarding costs.

But people still fear death, the here's what they think

“All men live, but not all men really die so get a life moherfuckers!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Death

Death goes by different guises in different cultures. Death lives in Sweden. To Europeans, she is the Grim Reaper, a scythe-wielding skeleton in black robes. In the Bible, she is depicted as a pale figure on a pale horse. To the Hindus, Death is called Yama, and rides a black buffalo. To the Creatures of the Moon, she is an asteroid collision. However, it is widely accepted that Death actually is a Red Ring. This is a myth, and she has, since the beginning of time, stayed as a 21 year old boygirl, except when visiting Mormons, when she takes on her more tradional form of the skeleton in a robe to scare them (She loves Mormons). Death took a holiday during 442-443[1], as a consequence she had to send in some plagues a little bit later. This was widely accepted as proper work. Death is the cause of 89.5% of dead people in this world...10.5% are grue related.

Dealing with Death


Avoid 20-Sided Dies

Although Death's entire purpose is to reap the souls of the living, she must closely follow the rules laid down for the afterlife. So in terms of alignment, she's lawful evil. This means that it is possible to bargain with Death. Death is partial to games - she loves nothing more than a good game, so if you find yourself face to face with the Reaper, it may be possible to offer to play against her for your life. Traditionally, this has meant a game of chess or a card game. These days, Death is into Halo, and many a poor n00b has gambled with his life, only to be pwned by Death's wicked Halo skills. Occasionaly, she is challanged to a game of solitaire, which is the only game she cannot play apart from the game of Life. These challengers are normally found at the bottom of wells several days after they challenge her.

How to benefit from death...

  1. You might be "willed" some of their stuff.
  2. You can call dibs on their color TV.
  3. You can then play with your new stuff.
  4. One person will be taken out of the gene pool, i.e.: more possible sex for you.
  5. They will have no children, so the little pricks won't disturb your peace.
  6. They will take up less physical space, which means they will not breathe air that could be yours, and you can live in a bigger house.
  7. They won't take as much food, which means that the double cheeseburger you just ordered is ALL YOURS.
  8. You're one car length up in traffic tomorrow!
  9. There is an 80% chance they were an idiot so, hey, no harm done.
  10. Their girlfriend/boyfriend is now "open to the public". (Downside: If YOU die YOUR girlfriend/boyfriend is now "Open to the public" and in need of comforting.)
  11. If he/she was French, one less person spreading terrible smells!
  12. No more of those awkward moments when you are stealing his/her wife/husband, money, children, funk, or juicy stuff.
  13. Death is sometimes good, like when that asshole in front of you in line in the bank is COUNTING ALL OF HIS MONEY IN PENNIES.
  14. If you are starving, the dead body will satisfy your stomach and (ahem) other needs.
  15. If you're in a war and all your enemies are dead in their base, then ALL THEIR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!!!
  16. You could be their long lost nephew and they probably might have been your millionaire uncle and you could inherit thier money. But in order to do so you would have to spend 30 million in 30 days in order to get the money with a set list of guidelines to follow resulting in hilarious shenanigans, and probably resulting in a film based on this venture co-starring John Candy.
  17. You will have yet another excuse to whine about on Facebook, Twitter, etc.
  18. If the person died by old age, instantly run to buy a lottery ticket. Your Chances of winning might increase by 250%.
  19. If you happen to be taken before your time, don't worry! You will be given an Elephant as a disclamer prize! Everyone loves Elephants.

Famous Last Words


World's Leading Causes of Death

“The world's number one cause of Death is... dying.”
~ Captain Obvious on the world's number one cause of Death.

Having been spooked by death and the uncertainty about existence following it, governments have taken to studying the causes of death. (At first they used witchcraft, and then masturbation, before settling on asking people at funerals how the guest of honor died. Nowadays, they pounce on doctors and guro specialists, and occasionally on each other. Or they look in fortune cookies or try it themselves and commit suicide. Let us know your favorite method.

Having a Funeral

After your death, it is vitally important not to move. This is because many people totally freak out when they see a dead person move. If you move after you die somebody else will see you, freak out, and die. This will result in a chain reaction known as "mass deadification" which continues to grow and will only stop when the people are too far apart to see each other. This is the reason people hate meatballs.

A funeral ceremony can be held in the house of the dead, a church, a temple or a public place, although the latter is generally not advised as it has been shown that such ceremonies often lead you on the path to Hell. The family of the dead and friends come together, remember the dead, and console each other, using hugs and comforting words, such as "I apologize for any inconvenience this death may have caused," and "He/She was a total asshole anyway."

If it is a religious ceremony, they say a Christian prayer for the dead so that his or her soul may rest in peace. There are lots of different traditions that different religions use. There is a rumor that some people have bells over the grave so if they get buried alive they can ring it and they will get dug up, this, however, is extremely rare, as it is wrong to bury someone alive.

At Christian funerals the lovely priest often says: "Hello. From earth to earth, ashes to axes, dust to wormmeat". Modern funerals have greatly changed over time. Present day funeral or memorial services now focus on celebrations of life instead of dwelling pointlessly on the sad, sad aspects of death. At many present day funerals there is a video tribute played before, after, or during the funeral service. (Well, it might have started at bar mitzvahs, graduations, and kinky sex festivals, but it's certainly metastasized to funerals.) It is a common practice for friends and family members to get up and speak about the deceased (ie son in-law) and tell about fond (and rather fake) memories of their son in-law. Memorial folders or prayer cards are handed out at many funeral services and this too is a way to personalise and lighten up death. At funerals it is not uncommon to see a "life reflection" table; family members bring favourite pictures, or memorabilia to display as yet another reminder of the deceased.

Headstones are purchased to identify the person who has been buried in a specific grave. They usually tell the date of birth and the date of death. They are not used to keep bugs (in this case Coleoptera) out of the casket, contrary to popular belief in Islamic communities.

Life After Death


Trespassing is great!

Some people believe this happens, some don't, it has been proven by Chuck Norris that when you die, you become even more awesome than before, and live again, but that was Chuck Norris, it's different for everyone.

Depending on your personality, you could....

  1. Spend all of eternity in heaven
  2. Be reincarnated as something until you achieve Nirvana (the band?)
  3. Become a zombie and eat people's brains, and then get killed by Will Smith
  4. Come back to life as a REAL garlic fearing vampire (Not a Sparkly Douchebag)
  5. Go to hell
  6. Pack a LOT of Fudge
  7. Become a ghost
  8. Stay a rotting corpse in the ground until some idiots dig you up looking for treasure.
  9. Cease to exist completely.
  10. Become omnipotent.

See also


  1. 5th-century deaths

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