Dear John letter

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Monday, August 31, 2015  

Dear Poster Child for the Criminally Insane,

By the time you read this, I'll be saving a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Gecko. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but my sadistic urges have become completely uncontrollable, and I don’t think I can see you again without having to torture you.

I know this might seem like karmic kannibalism to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.

I want to tell you that I think you are so incredibly full of shit that it's a miracle that you haven't exploded into a cascading rivulet of foul smelling excrements yet, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are the latest addition to my evergrowing list of people I'm planning to kill, and I am not the type of person to be running around screaming that I have a "relationship". You like other men, masturbating to gardening shows, and sewing extra limbs onto your body, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on Friday and then try to kill each other through strangulation (or with knives) just for fun. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.

I'd really like us to become permanently estranged, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, I assume, in some other more cheerful reality among the infinite number of alternate universes out there.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

Tonight we dine in Hell,

~ Name and address withheld.

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