Dear John letter

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Tuesday, July 22, 2014  

Dear Penis (with life support system attachment),

By the time you read this, I'll be fucking your sister. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean.

I know this might seem like an episode of Days of Our Lives to you, seeing as we made all those plans to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — sorry that I didn't take the chance to get rid of you last month, but I promise I'll make up for it the next time we meet. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you are the worst Tetris player ever, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a furry, and I am the one who slipped rohypnol into your Bloody Mary last month. You like to sabotage ice hockey matches by repeatedly throwing out extra pucks onto the rink, recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need a good laugh.

I'd really like us to become theatrical actors in a Romeo & Juliet play, except we'll kill ourselves for real in the end just for the sake of realism, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.

Take care of yourself and never forget that Soylent Green tastes like spinach.

Auf wiedersehen,

~ The "I Like Cheese Monthly" Editor.

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