Dear John letter

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Saturday, December 27, 2014  

Dear wife nr. 18,

By the time you read this, I'll be a member of the Fantastic Four. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.

I know this might seem like a total violation of the laws of physics to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need a dirty magazine, my right hand and a toilet paper — that's all it takes, really.

I want to tell you that I think you are ...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a Sagittarius, and I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. You like traveling to other cities and show up uninvited at total strangers birthday parties, juggling chainsaws, and igniting your own fart, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date everyone else in the world, just to find out the answer — or at least I should, you have no hope on that score. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see a couple screaming at each other in public.

I'd really like us to become a Heathcliff and Catherine-like ghost couple and creep out softhearted onlookers in our restless afterlife, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, I assume, in some other more cheerful reality among the infinite number of alternate universes out there.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.

Good luck with the police at your door,

~ You, before you became amnesiac.

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