Dear John letter

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Dear Sperm Donor,

By the time you read this, I'll be dead. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.

I know this might seem like a bit of a shock to you, seeing as we made all those plans to adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...alive and breathing, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an atheist, and I'm on my own plane of psychological existence. You like laying on the floor with all the lights off, contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive), and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other species. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the police ask me where I bought the stuff.

I'd really like us to become slowly solidified into a kind of buttery jell, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.

Take care of yourself and never forget to double-bag "Uncle Willy" from now on.

~ Sheila (my street name).

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