Dear John letter
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Saturday, August 2, 2014
Dear Sperm Donor,
By the time you read this, I'll be living in your house and drinking your coffee. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean.
I know this might seem like a crappy thing to do to you, seeing as we made all those plans to spend at least more than two hours together, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...alive and breathing, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're committed, literally, and I'm worried about it. You like stamp collecting, dating circus midgets, and genitally piercing unsuspecting strangers in unemployment line queues, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever it is that I need to confess my most heinous sins on my deathbed.
I'd really like us to become "people that pretend not to know each other", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.
Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.