Dear John letter

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Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Dear Sex toy,

By the time you read this, I'll be almost through three more regiments. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.

I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse to you, seeing as we made all those plans to assassinate the Pope, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...unusually odorous, in a good way... sometimes, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a pederast, and I'm a champion pie eating finalist. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, masturbating to gardening shows, and filling guinea pigs with helium, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I want to, which isn't often.

I'd really like us to become "acquaintances", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Your sister.

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