Dear John letter

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Sunday, August 30, 2015

Dear Poster Child for the Criminally Insane,

By the time you read this, I'll be flat on my back, testing the Serta® 10 Year Mattress Spring Guarantee with our mutual friend Gary. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your needs are inherently less important than mine.

I know this might seem like karmic kannibalism to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push you into the sea tied to a large brick, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need to put this facade you've been living to an end, before I run out of script material. Ghostwriters cost a fortune.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a pedophile, and I'm an amateur weightlifter. You like smoking banana peels, masturbating to gardening shows, and gas tungsten arc welding, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off.

I'd really like us to become "permanently estranged", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.

Take care of yourself and never forget your psychiatrist thinks you're a jerk too.

~ The Speaking Clock.

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