Dear John letter
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Friday, December 6, 2013
By the time you read this, I'll be on a pilgrimage to Sears to buy "sporting goods" for my weekend adventure with the male cast members of "My Name Is Earl". I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option.
I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push you into the sea tied to a large brick, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.
I want to tell you that I think you're strangely charismatic, considering your freakishly odd appearance, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a satanist, and I'm a mother of two-and-a-half. You like fondling barnyard animals, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and gas tungsten arc welding, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on other planets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.
I'd really like us to become "people that pretend they never dated", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least while we were in separate cells at the police station.
Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.
~ Your former sister-in-law.