Dear John letter

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Sunday, July 5, 2015

Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,

By the time you read this, I'll be sipping butane martinis on the way to Nicaragua. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I'm not getting any younger, and you're not getting any richer.

I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.

I want to tell you that I think you're strangely charismatic, considering your freakishly odd appearance, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a Democrat, and I'm a nun. You like groping fresh produce, putting things on springs, and smelling your fingers, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off.

I'd really like us to become "acquaintances", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, ... well, no... but no-one else has to know that.

Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.

~ Yet Another Anonymous Sex Partner.

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