Dear John letter

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Friday, April 18, 2014

Dear Ex-Friend with Benefits,

By the time you read this, I'll be very relieved. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I finally got around to reading your "poems" this morning, and I figure that this is better than a bullet in the head.

I know this might seem like a sudden change to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway...

I want to tell you that I think you're ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a card-carrying member of the Hair Club for Men, and I'm into bodysurfing. You like having sex in dumpsters, peeling watermelons, and filling guinea pigs with helium, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my girlfriends and I are trading stories on our worst sexual experiences.

I'd really like us to become "people that ignore each other in public", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, five past seven on Sunday November 3rd 2003 springs to mind, for instance.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Jane.

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