Dear John letter
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Sunday, July 5, 2015
Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,
I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.
I want to tell you that I think you're strangely charismatic, considering your freakishly odd appearance, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a Democrat, and I'm a nun. You like groping fresh produce, putting things on springs, and smelling your fingers, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off.
I'd really like us to become "acquaintances", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, ... well, no... but no-one else has to know that.
Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.
~ Yet Another Anonymous Sex Partner.