Dear John letter

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Friday, April 29, 2016

Dear Prisoner 66734,

By the time you read this, I'll be very relieved. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but you win some, you lose some - and in your case, you lose everything.

I know this might seem like a sudden change to you, seeing as we made all those plans to assassinate the Pope, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain high. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a balloon animal fan, and I'm into streaking. You like urine sample collecting, masturbating to gardening shows, and gas tungsten arc welding, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date everyone else in the world, just to find out the answer — or at least I should, you have no hope on that score. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see a couple screaming at each other in public.

I'd really like us to become "people that ignore each other in public", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness.

Take care of yourself and never forget your psychiatrist thinks you're a jerk too.

~ Your sister.

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