Dear John letter

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Saturday, January 31, 2015

Dear thingumy,

By the time you read this, I'll be in sunny Zurich, drinking extortionately priced beer and completing my memoirs. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I'm not getting any younger, and you're not getting any richer.

I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to alphabetize our combined compact disc collections someday, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.

I want to tell you that I think you're not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a card-carrying member of the Hair Club for Men, and I'm worried about it. You like smoking banana peels, juggling chainsaws, and genitally piercing unsuspecting strangers in unemployment line queues, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see a couple screaming at each other in public.

I'd really like us to become "born-again strangers", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, ... well, no... but no-one else has to know that.

Take care of yourself and never forget you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.

~ Your former sister-in-law.

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