Dear John letter

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Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dear John,

By the time you read this, I'll be in Iraq, serving in whatever ways I’m needed most. I fear that the military is the only way to make our relationship last, and seeing as you're a pacifist, I decided to join. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.

I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse to you, seeing as we made all those plans to live together in happily unwedded bliss, or a reasonable facsimile, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes - and quickly.

I want to tell you that I think you're on my long list of middle-rated and easily forgotten ex's, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a pederast, and I'm worried about it. You like groping fresh produce, talking like Captain Kirk, and writing love letters to Bob Saget, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my herpes sores erupt.

I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Tiddles.

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