Dear John letter

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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dear thingumy,

By the time you read this, I'll be the first triple MILLION winner EVER in the NATIONAL LOTTERY!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.

I know this might seem like a sudden change to you, seeing as we made all those plans to grow old, fat and senile together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway...

I want to tell you that I think you're ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an atheist, and I'm worried about it. You like laying on the floor with all the lights off, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and sewing extra limbs onto your body, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see a couple screaming at each other in public.

I'd really like us to become "born-again strangers", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Yet Another Anonymous Sex Partner.

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