Dear John letter
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Monday, May 2, 2016
By the time you read this, I'll be in sunny Zurich, drinking extortionately priced beer and completing my memoirs. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.
I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push you into the sea tied to a large brick, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an agnostic, and I'm a schoolgirl. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, lassoing people on subways cars, and making faces at babies until they cry, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other species. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off.
I'd really like us to become "permanently estranged", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, ... well, no... but no-one else has to know that.
Take care of yourself and never forget I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.