Dear John letter
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Dear God I can't believe I'll soon be rid of you at long last,
By the time you read this, I'll be in jail. Three hots and a cot, and the judge says I can refuse to see anyone I want, including you. Finally. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your needs are inherently less important than mine.
I know this might seem like a bit of a shock to you, seeing as we made all those plans to adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an atheist, and I'm worried about it. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, scratching yourself publicly, and practicing surgery on household pests, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever it is that I need to confess my most heinous sins on my deathbed.
I'd really like us to become "permanently estranged", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.
Take care of yourself and never forget your psychiatrist thinks you're a jerk too.
~ Your sister.