Dear John letter
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Tuesday, March 11, 2014
Dear Ex-Friend with Benefits,
I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to continue grossing out teens and old people with our cherished "skinny dip and snogging" expeditions to the fountain in the public square, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...unusually odorous, in a good way... sometimes, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a satanist, and I'm enigmatic. You like groping fresh produce, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and filling guinea pigs with helium, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my herpes sores erupt.
I'd really like us to become "people that ignore each other in public", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.
Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.