Dear John letter

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Saturday, May 23, 2015

Dear God I can't believe I'll soon be rid of you at long last,

By the time you read this, I'll be married. I regret to inform you that there were a number of contestants for my affections, and you were not the winner. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.

I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to spend at least more than two hours together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...unusually odorous, in a good way... sometimes, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a card-carrying member of the Hair Club for Men, and I'm scared of donuts. You like navel lint collecting, talking like Captain Kirk, and arguing with the voices only you can hear over dinner plans, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I want to, which isn't often.

I'd really like us to become "people that ignore each other in public", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, five past seven on Sunday November 3rd 2003 springs to mind, for instance.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Mom.

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