Dear John letter
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Monday, July 28, 2014
Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,
By the time you read this, I'll be in Iraq, serving in whatever ways I’m needed most. I fear that the military is the only way to make our relationship last, and seeing as you're a pacifist, I decided to join. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your feelings are inherently less valuable than mine.
I know this might seem like karmic kannibalism to you, seeing as we made all those plans to assassinate the Pope, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're committed, literally, and I'm a mother of two-and-a-half. You like bungee jumping from church steeples, lassoing people on subways cars, and arguing with the voices only you can hear over dinner plans, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again someday, but only if you go in for surgery and get you brain replaced. And your nose. Or to keep it simple, ask them to change everything but your name. Or have them change that as well, unless doing so would complicate billing. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need to tell my side of the story on Jerry Springer.
I'd really like us to become "acquaintances", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, ... well, no... but no-one else has to know that.
Take care of yourself and never forget to double-bag "Uncle Willy" from now on.