Dear John letter

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Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Dear pointless entity,

By the time you read this, I'll be flat on my back, testing the Serta® 10 Year Mattress Spring Guarantee with our mutual friend Gary. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your needs are inherently less important than mine.

I know this might seem like punch in the jaw to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push you into the sea tied to a large brick, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain high. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...alive and breathing, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an agnostic, and I'm a Mousketeer. You like having sex in dumpsters, talking like Captain Kirk, and genitally piercing unsuspecting strangers in unemployment line queues, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date everyone else in the world, just to find out the answer — or at least I should, you have no hope on that score. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever Saturn orbits Pluto.

I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least while we were in separate cells at the police station.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Jenny is being disconnected, so don't try calling).

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