Dear John letter
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Saturday, August 29, 2015
By the time you read this, I'll be transferring the last of our mutual savings to a bank account in Geneva. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your feelings are inherently less valuable than mine.
I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway...
I want to tell you that I think you're ...exceedingly punctual, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a satanist, and I'm scared of donuts. You like navel lint collecting, talking like Captain Kirk, and gas tungsten arc welding, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever it is that I need to confess my most heinous sins on my deathbed.
I'd really like us to become "people that pretend not to know each other", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, five past seven on Sunday November 3rd 2003 springs to mind, for instance.
Take care of yourself and never forget you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.
~ Your former sister-in-law.