Dear John letter

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Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,

By the time you read this, I'll be very relieved. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but time is money, and according to your most current bank statement you have insufficient funds to purchase additional time credits with me.

I know this might seem like punch in the jaw to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a satanist, and I'm into bodysurfing. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, juggling chainsaws, and filling guinea pigs with helium, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on other planets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see a couple screaming at each other in public.

I'd really like us to become slowly solidified into a kind of buttery jell, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, ... well, no... but no-one else has to know that.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ The big guy, with the axe, in the cupboard, just behind you.

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