Dear John letter

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Thursday, October 23, 2014

Dear Brian, Derek ... Frank? ummmm whoever ...,

By the time you read this, I'll be in Iraq, serving in whatever ways I’m needed most. I fear that the military is the only way to make our relationship last, and seeing as you're a pacifist, I decided to join. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.

I know this might seem like punch in the jaw to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.

I want to tell you that I think you're on my long list of middle-rated and easily forgotten ex's, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're scared of sheep, and I'm a Mousketeer. You like stamp collecting, talking like Captain Kirk, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on other planets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever Saturn orbits Pluto.

I'd really like us to become "born-again strangers", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Tiddles.

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