Dear John letter
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Friday, May 22, 2015
Dear <insert name here>,
I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to vacation in the Ivory Coast, and smuggle bits of it home to sell on the black market, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...alive and breathing, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're under surveillence, and I'm into bodysurfing. You like fondling barnyard animals, peeling watermelons, and filling guinea pigs with helium, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on other planets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the police ask me where I bought the stuff.
I'd really like us to become jaded, cynical and bitter in our own different ways, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.
Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.
~ Sheila (my street name).