Dear John letter

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Thursday, July 31, 2014

Dear Freak of the Week,

By the time you read this, I'll be very relieved. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.

I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — or at least that's what you're supposed to say in these situations. I just need to put this facade you've been living to an end, before I run out of script material. Ghostwriters cost a fortune.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a Democrat, and I'm into streaking. You like navel lint collecting, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and making faces at babies until they cry, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the hypnotism I'm paying for wears off.

I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.

~ Jane.

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