Dear John letter

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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Dear Flavour of the Month,

By the time you read this, I'll be on a pilgrimage to Sears to buy "sporting goods" for my weekend adventure with the male cast members of "My Name Is Earl". I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I've misplaced my copy of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" and I had to improvise.

I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to continue grossing out teens and old people with our cherished "skinny dip and snogging" expeditions to the fountain in the public square, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly.

I want to tell you that I think you're not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a pedophile, and I'm vastly more intelligent than that. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and making faces at babies until they cry, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other species. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my girlfriends and I are trading stories on our worst sexual experiences.

I'd really like us to become "permanently estranged", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least while we were in separate cells at the police station.

Take care of yourself and never forget I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.

~ Jenny is being disconnected, so don't try calling).

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