Dear John letter
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Saturday, July 4, 2015
Dear "Mr. Tiny",
I know this might seem like a big sick demented joke in a vortex of meaninglessness to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push you into the sea tied to a large brick, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — I think. I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.
I want to tell you that I think you're really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an agnostic, and I'm on my own plane of psychological existence. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, putting things on springs, and arguing with the voices only you can hear over dinner plans, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my herpes sores erupt.
I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.
Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.
~ The Speaking Clock.