Dear John letter
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Tuesday, December 10, 2013
Dear pointless entity,
By the time you read this, I'll be in jail. Three hots and a cot, and the judge says I can refuse to see anyone I want, including you. Finally. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.
I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain high. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.
I want to tell you that I think you're ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a balloon animal fan, and I'm worried about it. You like laying on the floor with all the lights off, talking like Captain Kirk, and gas tungsten arc welding, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on other planets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my girlfriends and I are trading stories on our worst sexual experiences.
I'd really like us to become "people that pretend not to know each other", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least while we were in separate cells at the police station.
Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.
~ Jenny is being disconnected, so don't try calling).