Dear John letter

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Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Monday, December 22, 2014

Dear "Mr. Tiny",

By the time you read this, I'll be doing my "happy dance" naked, on the side of the M25 motorway. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but time is money, and according to your most current bank statement you have insufficient funds to purchase additional time credits with me.

I know this might seem like karmic kannibalism to you, seeing as we made all those plans to spend at least more than two hours together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.

I want to tell you that I think you're not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're under surveillence, and I'm a member of a religion that has repeatedly confirmed that people like that are going to burn in hell. You like urine sample collecting, lassoing people on subways cars, and belly-button sniffing, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need to tell my side of the story on Jerry Springer.

I'd really like us to become "people that pretend not to know each other", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.

~ Sheila (my street name).

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