Dear John letter

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{{FA|revision=1325010|date=8 December 2006}}

Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Thursday, March 26, 2015

Dear Passing Fancy,

By the time you read this, I'll be sipping butane martinis on the way to Nicaragua. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but one of us has to go, and the strychnine I've been adding to your Corn Flakes doesn't seem to be working.

I know this might seem like a crappy thing to do to you, seeing as we made all those plans to live together in happily unwedded bliss, or a reasonable facsimile, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.

I want to tell you that I think you're really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a card-carrying member of the Hair Club for Men, and I'm hypersexual. You like having sex in dumpsters, juggling chainsaws, and genitally piercing unsuspecting strangers in unemployment line queues, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I want to remember what suffering feels like.

I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least before we met.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.

~ Your former sister-in-law.

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