Dear John letter

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{{FA|revision=1325010|date=8 December 2006}}

Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Saturday, July 4, 2015

Dear "Mr. Tiny",

By the time you read this, I'll be the first triple MILLION winner EVER in the NATIONAL LOTTERY!!!! YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.

I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse to you, seeing as we made all those plans to adopt a child from a third world country for media publicity, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're strangely charismatic, considering your freakishly odd appearance, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're an agnostic, and I'm vastly less intelligent than that. You like bungee jumping from church steeples, juggling chainsaws, and filling guinea pigs with helium, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my herpes sores erupt.

I'd really like us to become slowly solidified into a kind of buttery jell, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.

~ Yet Another Anonymous Sex Partner.

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