Dear John letter

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Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Sunday, January 25, 2015

Dear "Mr. It was only a dream" (as my psychiatrist insists I refer to you these days) ,

By the time you read this, I'll be very relieved. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.

I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse to you, seeing as we made all those plans to live together in happily unwedded bliss, or a reasonable facsimile, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway...

I want to tell you that I think you're really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a Democrat, and I'm Republican. You like attacking clergymen, dating circus midgets, and arguing with the voices only you can hear over dinner plans, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my herpes sores erupt.

I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, five past seven on Sunday November 3rd 2003 springs to mind, for instance.

Take care of yourself and never forget I have the sniper rifle, and I know how to use it.

~ A cast of thousands.

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