Dear John letter

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Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Saturday, February 28, 2015

Dear Poster Child for the Criminally Insane,

By the time you read this, I'll be hitchhiking to Wal-Mart to choose your replacement. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean.

I know this might seem like , complicated, bewildering, and kind of erotic to you, seeing as we made all those plans to vacation in the Ivory Coast, and smuggle bits of it home to sell on the black market, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more men, on some kind of rotating schedule.

I want to tell you that I think you're on my long list of middle-rated and easily forgotten ex's, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a card-carrying member of the Hair Club for Men, and I'm a member of a religion that has repeatedly confirmed that people like that are going to burn in hell. You like navel lint collecting, dating circus midgets, and making faces at babies until they cry, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever Saturn orbits Pluto.

I'd really like us to become slowly solidified into a kind of buttery jell, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least while we were in separate cells at the police station.

Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.

~ Yet Another Anonymous Sex Partner.

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