Dear John letter

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Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Thursday, February 11, 2016

Dear Loser,

By the time you read this, I'll be flat on my back, testing the Serta® 10 Year Mattress Spring Guarantee with our mutual friend Gary. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your feelings are inherently less valuable than mine.

I know this might seem like a bit of a shock to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push you into the sea tied to a large brick, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need to find someone who is male and breathes — and quickly.

I want to tell you that I think you're on my long list of middle-rated and easily forgotten ex's, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a pederast, and I'm worried about it. You like smoking banana peels, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and smelling your fingers, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever it is that I need to confess my most heinous sins on my deathbed.

I'd really like us to become "people that pretend they never dated", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness.

Take care of yourself and never forget to double-bag "Uncle Willy" from now on.

~ Your sister.

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