Dear John letter

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{{FA|revision=1325010|date=8 December 2006}}

Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Saturday, April 30, 2016

Dear <insert name here>,

By the time you read this, I'll be hitchhiking to Wal-Mart to choose your replacement. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but you win some, you lose some - and in your case, you lose everything.

I know this might seem like a slap in the face to you, seeing as we made all those plans to assassinate the Pope, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.

I want to tell you that I think you're really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're a balloon animal fan, and I'm a member of a religion that has repeatedly confirmed that people like that are going to burn in hell. You like navel lint collecting, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and practicing surgery on household pests, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever it is that I need to confess my most heinous sins on my deathbed.

I'd really like us to become "acquaintances", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness.

Take care of yourself and never forget your psychiatrist thinks you're a jerk too.

~ Your new ex.

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