Dear John letter

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{{FA|revision=1325010|date=8 December 2006}}

Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Friday, May 22, 2015

Dear "Mr. Tiny",

By the time you read this, I'll be almost through three more regiments. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but I've misplaced my copy of Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" and I had to improvise.

I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to push the boundaries of human genetics past the point of good taste by procreating, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more sex, and for longer than the 3 minutes and 2 inches you're able to provide... or was it the other way around? Anyway...

I want to tell you that I think you're not the worst lover I ever had, but that would be a bald-faced lie, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're scared of sheep, and I'm into bodysurfing. You like bungee jumping from church steeples, masturbating to gardening shows, and genitally piercing unsuspecting strangers in unemployment line queues, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other species. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.

I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness.

Take care of yourself and never forget how much lower your reputation will slip as soon as I publish this on my blog.

~ Name and address withheld.

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