Dear John letter

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Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dear Freak of the Week,

By the time you read this, I'll be in sunny Zurich, drinking extortionately priced beer and completing my memoirs. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your feelings are inherently less valuable than mine.

I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to continue grossing out teens and old people with our cherished "skinny dip and snogging" expeditions to the fountain in the public square, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need more length from you than I'm getting, and let's face it — you're shrinking with age.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...good at Scrabble, if slightly obsessed with it, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're under surveillence, and I'm vastly more intelligent than that. You like urine sample collecting, talking like Captain Kirk, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but in another life — preferably a previous one. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the police ask me where I bought the stuff.

I'd really like us to become "born-again strangers", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you buried the body, and won't hesitate to contact police should the need arise.

~ Mom.

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