Dear John letter

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Revision as of 07:04, December 8, 2006

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Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,

By the time you read this, I'll be serving number 977. If you get here quickly enough, you might be able to get in to see me before I wash the stink of manfilth from my body and go home for the night. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option.

I know this might seem like , complicated, bewildering, and kind of erotic to you, seeing as we made all those plans to continue grossing out teens and old people with our cherished "skinny dip and snogging" expeditions to the fountain in the public square, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — mostly. I just need more space. Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is sounding pretty nice to me right now.

I want to tell you that I think you're ...alive and breathing, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You're wanted in nineteen states, and I'm a champion pie eating finalist. You like guessing the weight of elderly women, scratching yourself publicly, and sewing extra limbs onto your body, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever the police ask me where I bought the stuff.

I'd really like us to become "born-again strangers", if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least during those many hours of drug and alcohol induced unconsciousness.

Take care of yourself and never forget to double-bag "Uncle Willy" from now on.

~ Jane.

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