Dear John letter

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Thursday, August 24, 2017  

Dear Anonymous,

By the time you read this, I'll be you. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with your breath, a letter seemed the safest option.

I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to alphabetize our combined compact disc collections someday, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.

I want to tell you that I think you are my repressed masculine side, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are under surveillance by the CIA, and I am a nun. You like sucking off the black guy that mows your lawn, putting things on springs, and smelling your fingers, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date again, but only if we're re-incarnated into each other's bodies and I get to be "you" next time. Oh yes. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I'm solving a crossword and have to come up with a synonym for the word "stupid".

I'd really like us to become permanently estranged, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, nah; I'm just screwing with you.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the Infinity Gauntlet and is thus the supreme being of this universe.

Tonight we dine in Hell,

~ Your favorite drugdealer.

P.S. Remember to drink the nut-flavored tea I poured you today. D.S.

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