By the time you read this, I'll be singing show tunes in the shower while members of the New York Yankees take turns exfoliating my buttocks with a loofah sponge.I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but seeing you without makeup made homosexuality suddenly seem very feasible to me.
I know this might seem like an omitted chapter from Dante´s Divine Comedyto you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill any infidel swine who refuses to submit to the ways of the Holy Qur'an and our great prophet Muhammad (peace by upon him), but I just don't see things working out that way.
I'm sorry about this — really. No, really. Those are teardrops on the letter, and not spittle from laughter.I just need more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say.
I want to tell you that I think you are a virgin, but I don't think we're right for each other.First of all, we're not really compatible. You are nobody,and I am Republican.You like sprinting through morning traffic while on fire,contemplating suicide (but always being so damned indecisive), anddissecting frogs with butterknives,and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things.How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents.But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I'm pissed off.
I'd really like us to become an African-American comedy duo,if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really).
Take care of yourself and never forget that you are now statistically 50% less likely to ever find a lasting and fulfilling relationship during your lifetime.