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Friday, February 22, 2019  

Dear Bob,

By the time you read this, I'll be doing my "happy dance" naked, on the side of the M25 motorway. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean.

I know this might seem like a sudden turn of events to you, seeing as we made all those plans to enter the Guinness Book of World Records by the becoming the first couple ever to watch "The Cure for Insomnia" without falling asleep, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need to kick you while you're down, before the snooker comes on the telly.

I want to tell you that I think you are in need of some serious physical therapy against your hideous acid breath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an agnostic, and I am all that and more. You like harassing sleeping rottweilers, stabbing yourself with carrots, and smelling other people's fingers, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date everyone else in the world, just to find out the answer — or at least I should, you have no hope on that score. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever my girlfriends and I are trading stories on our worst sexual experiences.

I'd really like us to become Siamese twins (we might have to undergo an extensive surgery for that though), if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, which lasted until you unexpectedly woke up from your coma.

Take care of yourself and never forget that despite all the nonsense I've written in this letter, I'm still going to track you down and kill you.

Toodle Pip,

~ That Guy.