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Monday, July 16, 2018  

Dear Sperm Donor,

By the time you read this, I'll be zombiefied by a doomsday virus. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your voice is so grating that another few phone calls from you would have left me deaf for life by the end of the year.

I know this might seem like a kick in the nuts to you, seeing as we made all those plans to terrorize the elderly couple that lives down the road, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need a dirty magazine, my right hand and a toilet paper — that's all it takes, really.

I want to tell you that I think you are a mammal, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are the only one in the world who actually thinks Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer are funny, and I am Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. You like flaying lambs, recording your own toilet visits and sharing it on file sharing networks as MP3's wrongfully named as famous songs, and you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other species. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever do sadistic things to your digital duplicate in The Sims 3.

I'd really like us to become people that pretend they never dated, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really).

Take care of yourself and never forget that each day of your life may be the last as long as I'm around.

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam,

~ Hannibal Lecter.