Dear John letter

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Monday, October 23, 2017  

Dear Miss Universe,

By the time you read this, I'll be feeding your pet goldfishes to my cats Hortensia and Petunia. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but well... no, I'm not sorry. Lying was always my worst problem with you, and I'm sorry. No. No, I'm not.

I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit Easter Island and go on an egg hunt, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need to go to the moon or a gay retared place.

I want to tell you that I think you are evil incarnate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a pederast, and I am on drugs. You like playing Worms 3D, filling stuffed animals with ice cream, and releasing frogs into preschool kitchens, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date just as long as you are willing to spend half your life hanging by your pinkie toes, for that's the type of torture I have planned for you.. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I see a couple screaming at each other in public.

I'd really like us to become an African-American comedy duo, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, even if they only lasted a few microseconds.

Take care of yourself and never forget to have your pets sprayed and neutered.

Seize the day (since tomorrow will be your last day alive),

~ Your sister.

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