Dear John letter

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Friday, May 22, 2015  

Dear Acquaintance,

By the time you read this, I'll be sent to the cornfield. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.

I know this might seem like a slap in the face to you, seeing as we made all those plans to trade all our remaining STDs even-steven, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — well, sort of, at least, kind of, maybe, a little... I just need more time alone. No... More time away from you. All of it, really. Yeah. That's what I mean to say.

I want to tell you that I think you are ...more than passable, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a balloon animal fan, and I am scared of donuts. You like bathing in gasoline, masturbating to gardening shows, and feeding rice to sea gulls, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I forget what your name was.

I'd really like us to become partners in crime and rob helpless old ladies of their retirement savings, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, or so we'll pretend.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I'm much happier without you.

Tonight we dine in Hell,

~ [Insert name of author here].

P.S. You forgot your dildo at my place when you visited me last Sunday. D.S.

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