Dear John letter

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Thursday, May 5, 2016  

Dear Uncle Sam,

By the time you read this, I'll be mutated into something unrecognizable. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but attorneys cost money, and I'm eating for two now, if you know what I mean.

I know this might seem like a sudden turn of events to you, seeing as we made all those plans to infiltrate the "Save the Children" organization and shamelessly purloin their charity funds, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need need need need need... well; I can't quite remember.

I want to tell you that I think you are really quite adequate, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are committed, literally, and I am a grue and will certainly eat you the next time we meet. You like groping fresh produce, stabbing yourself with carrots, and biking against red light at rush hour, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other's pets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I cut myself before I go to sleep.

I'd really like us to become an African-American comedy duo, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, before you decided to become yourself and get to be so much of a stuck-up prig.

Take care of yourself and never forget to eat your vegetables.

Live long and prosper,

~ The unmentionable one.

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