Dear John letter

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Hand pencil
Tuesday, December 1, 2015  

Dear Captain Blackbeard,

By the time you read this, I'll be very relieved. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but your needs are inherently less important than mine.

I know this might seem like a slap in the face to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill any infidel swine who refuses to submit to the ways of the Holy Qur'an and our great prophet Muhammad (peace by upon him), but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but another officer is at the door - I'll write more in an hour. I just need more space. Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is sounding pretty nice to me right now.

I want to tell you that I think you are in need of some serious physical therapy against your hideous acid breath, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are the latest addition to my evergrowing list of people I'm planning to kill, and I am a member of a religion that has repeatedly confirmed that people like that are going to burn in hell. You like flaying lambs, harassing sheep until they explode, and sewing extra limbs onto your body, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other's pets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I walk past the ape cages at the zoo.

I'd really like us to become supervillains and plot to conquer the world together (after which I will kill you as there can only be one true Master), if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, my left hand and I.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I know where you live, your name and what you look like, so beware.

Ash nazg durbatulûk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul,

~ A cast of thousands.

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