Dear John letter

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Dear John letter.


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Sunday, March 18, 2018  

Dear you with that unpronouncable name,

By the time you read this, I'll be watching The Uncyclopedia Movie. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but with the restraining order and everything, I was scared to use the phone again.

I know this might seem like a sinister scheme from me to stage an "accident" and claim the life insurance policy on you (which it is) to you, seeing as we made all those plans to suck out the souls of those unworthy of a vampiric prowess, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need a bit of a laugh.

I want to tell you that I think you are dumb as a rock, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are so fat that Jupiter orbits around you sometimes, and I am a fucked-up loser who only likes to hang around you because of your money. You like to sabotage ice hockey matches by repeatedly throwing out extra pucks onto the rink, talking like Captain Kirk, and watching animal porn, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date other people. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever there are blue whales swimming in my goldfish bowl.

I'd really like us to become road sweepers or something, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, during my opiate daydream earlier today, after which I woke up to the cold and harsh reality again.

Take care of yourself and never forget to double-bag "Uncle Willy" from now on.

Badger Badger Badger,

~ The daemon swineherd in the twilit grotto.

P.S. You're fired! D.S.

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