Dear John letter

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Thursday, April 17, 2014  

Dear Person To Whom It May Concern,

By the time you read this, I'll be relocated to a secret tropical hide-out, drinking fruit drinks and living a life in luxury for the money I drained from your bank account this morning (so long sucker, HAHAHAHAHA!!!). I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but time is money, and according to your most current bank statement you have insufficient funds to purchase additional time credits with me.

I know this might seem like a disappointing turn for the worse to you, seeing as we made all those plans to spend at least more than two hours together, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but as a bisexual, I'm interested in only two kinds of people — and quite frankly, you don't fit into either category. I just need more out of this relationship. Financially, emotionally, sexually, intellectually. Everythingually.

I want to tell you that I think you are the true identity of the Zodiac Killer, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a furry, and I am that lonely obsessed stalker who refused to just settle for your autograph. You like imitating 50s actors while shoe shopping, masturbating to gardening shows, and you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date in Hell, after killing each other. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone mentions the words "ugly", "useless" and/or "stupid" in my presence.

I'd really like us to become people that pretend not to know each other, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, assuming that "good times" is just another way of saying "total suckage".

Take care of yourself and never forget our honeymoon in the Splintern Hemisphere.

Ding dong, the witch is dead,

~ [Insert name of author here].

P.S. This is what the alphabet would look like without Q and R. D.S.

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