Dear John letter

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Thursday, March 23, 2017  

Dear Cthulhu,

By the time you read this, I'll be staring at the sun with the intent of becoming blind. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but to be honest, I'd be more sorry if I were to stay.

I know this might seem like a slap in the face to you, seeing as we made all those plans to destroy the universe, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — it's just a shame I waited so long to do it, and wasted so much of my valuable time. I just need a bit of a laugh.

I want to tell you that I think you are the Mr. Hyde to my Doctor Jekyll, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a balloon animal fan, and I am deaf, dumb and blind. You like caressing lamp accessories, painting your eyelids with pictures of eyeballs, and sewing extra limbs onto your body, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date each other's pets. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I finally track you down and kill you.

I'd really like us to become acquaintances, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, I think.

Take care of yourself and never forget our honeymoon in Castle Greyscale.

See you in the afterlife, bitch,

~ Your sycophantic lodger whom you will never be rid of.

P.S. Do you know what the blue rhino said to the green elephant? If so, write it to me in return, because I don't. D.S.

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