Dear John letter

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Saturday, February 28, 2015  

Dear Ex-Friend with Benefits,

By the time you read this, I'll be singing show tunes in the shower while members of the New York Yankees take turns exfoliating my buttocks with a loofah sponge. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but this world simply isn't big enough for the both of us.

I know this might seem like an unexpected departure to you, seeing as we made all those plans to visit your grand-parents to give them a big ol' kiss, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — at least so long as I remain intoxicated. I just need to finish that annoying Zork game on that Uncyclopedia website I told you about yesterday (it's driving me crazy, it's like no matter what you do, you'll ALWAYS end up being eaten by a grue!).

I want to tell you that I think you are dumb as a rock, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are a good-for-nothing crack whore, and I am pregnant. You like sprinting through morning traffic while on fire, lassoing people on subways cars, and you cannot lie, the other brothers can't deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get sprung, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date but only so I'll get another shot at killing your for real. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever someone asks me what the ultimate expression of the ongoing cultural and genetic decay of humanity is.

I'd really like us to become people that ignore each other in public, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, way back in the 60's during Woodstock.

Take care of yourself and never forget that I have the Infinity Gauntlet and is thus the supreme being of this universe.

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam,

~ Your split personality.

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