Dear John letter

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Thursday, October 2, 2014  

Dear John Malkovich,

By the time you read this, I'll be vandalizing Wikipedia. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but enough is enough. I've HAD it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!

I know this might seem like a big surprise to you, seeing as we made all those plans to kill your parents and claim the life insurance money, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — sorry that I didn't take the chance to get rid of you last month, but I promise I'll make up for it the next time we meet. I just need to put this facade you've been living to an end, before I run out of script material. Ghostwriters cost a fortune.

I want to tell you that I think you are the creep who's making all those nightly phone calls where only heavy breathing is heard, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are from another dimension, and I am everything you will never be. You like urine sample collecting, scratching yourself publicly, and igniting your own fart, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date on different continents. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need another scullery maid.

I'd really like us to become nihilistic Al-Qaeda terrorists and blow up everything that moves, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, assuming that "good times" is just another way of saying "total suckage".

Take care of yourself and never forget our honeymoon in another universe.

Pa Pa,

~ Hannibal Lecter.

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