Dear John letter

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Saturday, April 19, 2014  

Dear Captain Blackbeard,

By the time you read this, I'll be almost through three more regiments. I'm sorry for leaving you this way, but you win some, you lose some - and in your case, you lose everything.

I know this might seem like a big sick demented joke in a vortex of meaninglessness to you, seeing as we made all those plans to assassinate the Pope, but I just don't see things working out that way.

I'm sorry about this — but if the writing's a but shakey that's only because of my helpless, loud and hysterical laughter. I just need more space. Moose Jaw, Saskatchewan is sounding pretty nice to me right now.

I want to tell you that I think you are the worst Tetris player ever, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not really compatible. You are an agnostic, and I am disappointed. You like projectile vomiting, talking like Captain Kirk, and finding out a random victim's e-mail address and subscribe it to every advertisement letter you can find, and I'm just not sure I can ever share your joy in those things. How can two people so different ever make it for the long haul? I think we should date people without AIDS. But I want you to know that I'll think of you whenever I need to tell my side of the story on Jerry Springer.

I'd really like us to become old without ever speaking to, or thinking of, each other ever again, if that's okay with you. I think we can do it. We had some good times, at least when we turned the clock forward a few hours and then pretended that something nice happened during that time (whereas nothing at all happened, really).

Take care of yourself and never forget the restraining order the judge issued against you.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy,

~ Concerned Citizen.

P.S. They're coming to take me away! D.S.

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