Dear Abby

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YourAuntDorothy

Dear Abby Says: Don't fuck with me, fellas!

Dear Abby,
What the Hell is Uncyclopedia and how reliable is it? I was researching a paper for my Freshman English paper when I found it. So I looking up my stuff and it comes back with this Euroipods thing. Every search returned Euroipods so instead of writing the paper as assigned, I wrote about Euroipods and you know what? I got an F on my paper! Just sign me,

What the Fuck
Dear What,
Uncyclopedia is a brain trust of people whose research and writings simply do not fit the contextual limitations of Wikipedia (a site that you can never trust - really, never trust a damn thing on that site) or the structured hierarchy of say, the Journal of American Medicine (JAMA).
Just remember that there are two sides to every story and that cheaters never prosper. If all else fails, its important to remind yourself that a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush, but a hand in the bush is much better. Abby


Dear Abby,
I was looking through Uncyclopedia today looking for an article on you and your daily advice column, but I couldn’t find anything about you the site. Don’t you find it odd that you are a daily fixture in a bazillion different newspapers printed in hundreds of languages and you don’t even exist on Uncyclopedia? Just sign me,

Jimmy, in Whales
Dear Jimbo,
Yes, I did find it odd that I was unknown on Uncyclopedia, but after I got this letter I went and looked up my name and son of bitch, there I was! So I’m not sure what or how you are looking for me, but I might suggest that a clever cleaver might want to check their spelling before they attempt to look something up on the internet. Abby


Dear Abby,
I was sitting in the IRC the other day, picking my nose when I got this private message from another Uncyclopedian (and they know who they are) asking me to vote for their article on the VFH. The article isn’t very good, and the images are worse. What should I do? Just sign me,

Picking and a Grinning
Dear Picking,
You can choose your friends and pick your seat but picking your nose and then using the keyboard is just sick! Sick, sick, SICK!
As for those who pander to your sense of belonging, if the article stinks, suck it up and get in their and edit the Hell out of the thing. Unlike fruits and vegetables, articles on Uncyclopedia simply don’t ripen on their own – they need your help. And remember, when you lay down with dogs, you end up with a litter of puppies, so keep you nose clean and apply it to the grindstone. Abby


Dear Abby,
My boyfriend is pressuring me to go all of the way. He says that because we love each other, and because we're both in sixth grade, its OK. But I was hoping to save myself for Jesus. What should I do? Just sign me,

Travis or Jesus
Dear Travelling Preacherwoman:
We all have to carry our own weight in life, so why would you let this guy get the milk for free without making him buy the cow first? Jesus, Bossy! Do you want your tit in a wringer? A watched pot never boils, so wake up and smell the coffee. And don't forget, the grass isn't always greener on the other side - you could be pushing up daisies if you don't mind your "P's" and "Q's". Abby


Dear Abby,
Here I dwell in the murky depths of a lifeless sea, waiting for the moment when I will hear the siren sound and awake from this slumber to a ravaging hunger that will no no limits. What is the gnawing and clawing that tortures me so? Just sign me,

Craft Lover
Hello, Lover:
Silent waters run deep, no? The future is crystal clear: It is fun by the water but there is danger too, learn how to swim at your YMCA. Abby


Dear Abby,
I'm sitting here at my computer and I got a fork in my hand. The electrical outlet is calling my name and it demands that I jab the fork at the electric outlet. What should I do? Just sign me,

Shocked and Amazed
Dear Soon to be Hearing Amazing Grace:
What is wrong with you? Do you have shit for brains? You're playing with fire Mr. Brilliant & Not Very Bright. I advise you not to play a dangerous game risking life and limb. Don't say I didn't warn you, and temptations got a hold on you, go cry in your beer, cause my shoulder's plenty wet with you unloading on me. Abby


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