From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Deaf (file info)|
|CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?!!!!|
“God, open your fucking ears”
Deaf people are not deaf, but they are deaf, as in the fact that they can’t hear shit. Although some of them may be deaf as well as deaf. Aside from the lack of auditory acumen, deaf people are also generally impeded in their ability to use their vocal orifices(the deaf chicks give a damn good BJ though). This is not because they can't hear, as was once thought, but because all deaf people are too damn lazy to learn to talk like real humans. Normally, deaf people are kept in a cage for their own protection, who are we kidding for our protection too. Hell, you gotta put a muzzle on them when you take them out or they bite.
edit The Term Deaf
The term deaf is in reality a misnomer. As the story goes, the first deaf man was created when God forgot to put ear wholes in the red clay, lets just say Eve helped make that clay red… The deaf man descended to earth with his EEG displaying mostly Theta waves. So when the people tried to wake him up they failed miserably, and said he was a victim of death. However, when the town necrophile came, the “dead” man woke up covered in cum. However the name Death stuck, but because he was deaf, he called himself ‘Deaf.’ And that is where deaf people come from.
edit Why "Deafies/Deafos" Aren't to be Trusted
Deaf people are fundamentally evil, dangerous, and should not be trusted even by the dumbest man alive. Because they can’t hear they have developed many evil forms of witchcraft to fight against us normals. The most famous forms of their evil magic are Sign Language and Lip Reading/Eating.
The main purpose of sign language is to lull the victim into a trance and then steal his or her ears for use by the deaf witch and/or wizard. However, in about 1964 a Vatican Scientist told a deaf person that it didn’t work. How the two communicated is unknown, but it is probably some force technique taught to the scientists by Darth Bengi. So after almost 6000 years, because God created the earth in about 4000 BC, the deaf monkeys finally learned the meaning of Christmas.
edit Lip Reading and/or Eating
These practices are the most evil things the deafies can do to us. Lip reading is one of the most evil practices in the worlds. In many countries (Kazakhstan) whenever they catch someone reading lips, they kill a Jew. In other countries they kill the lip reader, but what does that solve? The problems caused by lip reading are primarily in the ability to steal the thoughts of other people. The deafo can ‘read’ the words a real human speaks and use them against them. Like in that episode of Sienfeld, you know the one with the party. After that all deaf people will extort money from the victim or request favors in the form of unholy sexual practices. Practices like having sex…
Lip eating is far more harmful, but less dangerous. This occurs when a deafie literally eats your lips off. Some non-deafs have doe this, Hannibal, but it is uncommon. The deafies believe that is empowers them to speak without that retard drawl they all have. It doesn’t. All they accomplish is getting little bits of flesh in their teeth, or braces if they could afford them.
Dumbass Earthlings Against Freedom in Society This was an organization founded by Helen Keller and Susan B. Anthony to suppress freedoms. They were basically against everything fun: Sex, porn, masturbation, drugs, murder, surprise sex, abortion, hobo huntin', and arson. The organization is still going strong today. They have also had many famous members. Including Muhammad, who was very must against human beings living peacefully and he was gay because he hated hot chicks. Also almost every politician in U.S. history. Other famous members include, Jesus, Your Mom, Fankenberry, Pikachu, and it is rumored that even Martin Luther King was a member.
edit How to Defeat a Deaf Freak (Without a 40 Man Raid)
- 1. Throw a shiny object in their path. This will stop them for a moment as their vision is based on movement.
- 2. Run to a safe distance. While they are looking for the aforementioned object, they won’t see you running.
- 3. Throw a grenade at the fucker. This tends to end their mortal existence because they bleed too, only their blood is the blood of the all of the Jolie lips they eat.
- 4. Call your local Hazmat team to clean up the splatter. They will love helping, and they may give you an award for helping the community.