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Distribution of Dead Links
“Dead links are on of the most abominable creations of mankind”
Dead links are common throughout Europe and North America. Although the majority of dead links are hardly ever seen, occasionaly one comes upon one, feeding perhaps on its favourite prey (here). In the Ortum of 20005, the town of Hell in Norway was voted the No. 1 town for Dead Links, with approximately 15,304 Dead Links discovered in that one season. However, these shrank quickly when the Grue army from Germy arrived in 20007. Although most of the Dead Links were eaten, as were the people of Hell, some survived by swimming across the Atlantic and taking root in Reykjavik, where they now continue to thrive. Now several links die whenever a fat guy farts. How many links will die can be determined by how many trips he made to burger king in the past 15 minutes multiplied by how many nanometers wide his stomach is, divided by how greasy his fart was (IN NEWTONS). So on average 56,908,347,589,034,569,085,436,894,316,734,879,164.
History of the Dead Link
“Queegle Wargle Hoodli-Doop”
The Dead Link evolved roughly 3.6 billion years ago in the early Crustaceous. Numbers rose to about 5.2 million per cubic mile in 180,000,000 BC, but declined rapidly in 12 AD due to the rising numbers of Grue. They rose again in Northen Europe in 15006, and peaked in 20005 in Hell. (See above)
Appearance of the Dead Link
The Dead Link has appeared throughout history, most notably in 1098, in Hell, Norway, when a flock attacked an unsuspecting nest of Grues. Spectators gathered to watch the resulting massacre, only to turn and run in panic when the Grues had finished with the Dead Links.
What the Dead Link looks Like
Your typical Dead Link - Linkus Mortus - looks like this:
The Invisible Dead Link, however, looks like this:
Recipes for Dead Links
Many cultures throughout the world eat Dead Links, especially the Chinese in Hong Kong. Several recipes follow:
Dead Links with Chilli Suace, Italy
Ingredients (Serves one):
1 lbs Dead Links, slightly crushed
3 lbs Chillis
6 lbs Olive oil
Method: Bring to the boil a large pot of water. Add the Dead Links and cook to al dente, stirring occasionally. Heat the oil and chilli in a saucepan, until the oil turns red. Pour over the Dead Links and eat!!!!
Dead Links, Frog and Snail Soup, France
Ingredients (Serves two):
3 lbs Dead Links, chopped
2 lbs Frogs legs, chopped
2 lbs Snails, stomped flat
Method: Add all ingredients to a pot and boil until just joined. Serve with toasted baguette!!!!
Dead Links and Dog Sauce, China
Ingredients (Serves ten):
1 lbs Dead Links, flattened and rolled up
1 lbs Dog, minced
Method: Place the Dead Links in a pot and just cover with water. Boil until swollen slightly. Place in a bowl. Mix in the dog. Serve cool. Yum!!!!
Professor Deadly Ink
“Whether the Dead Link is a most mordacious creature, and seeks ferociously the flesh of other mortal beings, or is peaceful, yet never vivacious, and would no more harm another soul than eat His noodly appendage, is a question of most importance”
Professor Deadly Ink is mainly responsible the Grue Infestation of '64, caused by failure to bolt the door to the storage chamber on the TC-13. He is widely known as the author of the romance Day with a Dead Link, 1964, the first novel ever to receive the Napoleon Bonepart Award for Bravery. This novel contained the paragraph quoted above, in the chapter In which I wonder about the Dead Link is his most famous line, written shortly before he was trampled to death.
Behold the Flying Spaghetti Monster
Behold the visage of the omnipotent Flying Spaghetti Monster. Bask in His Noodliness and stare agape at His meatitude. May you be forever touched by His noodly appendage. Dead Links are firm believers in the Flying Spaghetti Monster. As should you be, <insert name here>.
The Legend of Zelda
“Zelda... Zelda... Come on, where are you, bitch!?”
Due to the countless bad players of The Legend of Zelda, the number of Dead Links is gradually mounting, as player after player chews through Link after Link, getting them killed in various violent and exciting ways. Oh joy! There was a rise in new Dead Links in early 2007, as hundreds of new players tried out Twilight Princess and failed.
Oh no, it's a GRUE!
“THAT'S a grue? For a minute there you really had me wor-”