UnNews:Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

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Dead Sea Scrolls reveal advice

Straight talk, from straight faces

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17 May 2006

“How can you get useful information from a DEAD Sea Scroll?”
~ Alfred E. Neuman on The Scriptures

ISRAEL -- Last week, in a surpising announcement, the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls revealed that it had translated an entire section, using altavista's "babel-fish" function.

That section, now called the "Lost Proverbs", has been released to the press for inspection. The team of translators is still confused as to why these proverbs were hidden. Also, there are no indicators who the advice is for.

One translator said, "yeah, we sat around with it for months, and we couldn't figure out who was giving advice to whom. So we said screw it, lets publish what we have..."

UnNews has been given the initial exclusive to the new list of proverbs. As a note of caution, the translation team warns that each individual might interpret the list differently. Here are the 43 Lost Proverbs, use them wisely:


edit The 43 Lost Proverbs

  1. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  2. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  3. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  4. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  5. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  6. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  7. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  8. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  9. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  10. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  11. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  12. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  13. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  14. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  15. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  16. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  17. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  18. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  19. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  20. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  21. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  22. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  23. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  24. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  25. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  26. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  27. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  28. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  29. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  30. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  31. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  32. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  33. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  34. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  35. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  36. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  37. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  38. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  39. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  40. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  41. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp uncaringly
  42. To cramp an operating system, is to cramp {{adv})
  43. Jack Daniels is a real peach.

edit Sources

  • the International Commission to Translate the Dead Sea Scrolls

edit Notes

We're still trying to find the segment that contains the instructions on how to build giant angst-powered mechs.

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