Dead Hooker Scandal

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“There's only one thing worse than being a dead hooker, and that's being found with a dead hooker”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dead Hooker Scandal
“There's only one thing worse than being found with a dead hooker, and that's being a dead hooker”
~ Oscar Wilde on Modern Politics
Withmagnusfortesque

Magnus Fortesque is a world renown authoritative resource, called upon frequently by other people who are in the know and need to know more. Today, Professor Fortesque explains the process and benefits of a Dead Hooker Scandal

Dead Hooker Scandal is a broad term covering a variety of mishaps that plague politicians and celebrities, especially children's show hosts. For most politicians, the Dead Hooker Scandal is only slightly better than the Not-Dead Boy Scandal, and considerably better than being discovered with a midget at one's nethers. For celebrities, the Dead Hooker Scandal is usually just a really piss-poor public relations stunt, usually to as a ploy to avoid being recruited into Celebrity Survivor and extending their career just a bit longer.

edit How it works

First off, you should be marginally famous. This doesn't mean big time famous, just famous enough that a paper that prints stuff to the AP wire will get your story out there. Dead Hooker Scandals will work for ordinary people too, but that so often leads to the "Mom! I'm in Jail!" scandal, which is only good for a byline in the local newspapers, or maybe a couple of calls from your mother to Talkback Radio.

Second, you need to establish a relationship with some hookers, ideally for frenzied sexual relations. Some deviant behaviour that could come out of the woodwork after the fact would help extend the duration of your Dead Hooker Scandal.

Third, you need to kill the hooker, preferably by accident or deliberately to hide a secret (such as, you killing hookers). If you're a bit squeamish, or don't like prison, you may need to select your hooker carefully, you want one with a heart condition, emphysema, or a strung out junkie who's likely to overdose in your bathroom huffing kittens.

edit Qualifying exceptions

  1. You cannot kill every hooker or the first hooker you meet. That would make you a serial killer.
  2. The death has to be accidental, or part of a cover-up. For example, you blabbed to the hooker about how awesome it is that your oil company kills Eskimos. Then you kill her to hide that fact. Or, you and the hooker are just fucking, and she slips and breaks her neck.
  3. The hooker can't be a boy.

edit The upside of a Dead Hooker Scandal

While generally considered a very, very bad event, a Dead Hooker Scandal can be very fortuitous if its spun the correct way.

For example: let's say George W. Bush's approval rating sinks into the 20s because the people of Iraq just don't love freedom enough. Now, George has two good options: get impeached (like Clinton) OR kill a hooker and thereby distract the public.

Another good reason for killing a hooker would be to revive a moribund movie career. For example, Jimmy Stewart is remembered for It's a Wonderful Life. But, before that he had disappeared after a failed transition from child actor to adult actor.

In 1942, he located and murdered a hooker in Glendale, California. The media snapped up the story. After Stewart was acquitted on a technicality (under California law hookers and insurance salespeople don't count as human beings), he was given the chance to play the lead in a number of films.

Lesson? Killing hookers isn't always bad.

edit Dead Hooker Scandal FAQ

  • When is it not a good time to kill a hooker?
    • a) If Satan tells you so.
    • b) If her pimp's watching.
    • c) On camera, though there are exceptions to this.
  • When is it a good time to kill a hooker?
    • a) If Jesus or your long-dead mother tell you so.
    • b) Your work comp claim just got rejected.
    • c) The Patent and Trademark Office just rejected your claim to the Blackberry network.
    • d) Your newborn is teething and your wife won't put out.
  • Can I substitute a Lobster for a Hooker?
    • a) Yes, in a pinch.

edit Famous subjects of Dead Hooker Scandals

edit See also

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