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“What do you call an elephant with a spade? Dawn French!”
“What do you get if you see the sun rise in Paris? French Dawn!”
Dawn is 63% lard, 7% Terry's chocolate orange and 30% evil DNA. She was grown in a test tube by secret BBC scientists under strict instructions to 'Create some Hell children, with pointy horns and hyena-laughs'. Ms French was released onto the population in 'Wave one' along with David Jason, The Queen's wave, Jim Davidson, demi-waves, wave-machines full of Fairy Liquid, Cannon and Ball and Lenny Henry (whom she later married in an abbatoir, just south of Birmingham).
This evil creation is driven by Daleks and an urge to destroy comedy, defacate on cakes, eat all the cakes and create even further hatred for fat, lardy, over-eating, gluttonous, lardy people (also known as "lumpies" - or "viewers"). On the other hand her very slim, almost anorexic waif-like comedy partner, and former model, glamour-puss and all round beauty queen, Jennifer Sandles went on to be 'first foot' in the award-winning Awards awards Award for "Bestest-programme-on-the-BBC-ever-award" with her situational-type comic-book dramasoap about a comedy cleaning company called "Absolutely Festidious" which starred Joe Anna-Lumpy and Saffron Waldon. She now stars in BBC One show Britannia Mafia.
A recent conspiracy theorist called Jeff Posing-her, who for security reasons must remain nameless, once attempted to speak with Ms French about the BBC's evil evilness. Unfortunately he was pelted with a shower of chocolate orange 'spittings' before he even got close and had to seek medical attention to have the razor sharp chocolate shards removed from his arse.
Dawn became sucked into the orbit of desperately un-funny comedian 'Lenny Henry' (a vacuum cleaner) after being told by a pal that he was "made of chocolate" (except for his wonga that was made with hardened-candle-lard). Driven by her gutlust, in an Austin Montego, and an insatiable appetite for having all orifices filled reg'larly, her love of a good pounding forced her bodily upong the cheeky ex Tizwaz hero and she furiously ripped at his 'outer wrapper' before planting her teeth into his meaty black muscley buttocks (See ass) which Lenny had gained by running away from people who he asked for money. After 16 hours of intensive surgery to remove her from his rear end (a proctoscopy), Henry had bonded with his comedy assailant and he asked her to marry him, in a bridal parlour, near to Smethick International Airportdrome. It was during their honeymoon at the chocolate isle at Tescos, Romford that the two of them discovered that they both shared something else in common and decided to combine forces to achieve their prime directive: mixed-chocolate-baby-chocs-filled with double-choc lard-juice (currently the number one best-selling confectionary product in the Gorballs, where it is of course served deep-fried, with double-dipped butter-burgers and chocolate-covered chips - that's real potato chips, covered in chocolate.....and deep fried in batter).
Fortunately for the TV viewing viewers, Henry was so massively un-funny that he was unable to remain on our screens long enough to cause any real harm and has since taken up alternative employment as a groin washer to David Bellamy.
Dawn French, on the other hand, has inflicted massive damage upon many many people with her large buttocks, over-sized breast (just the one, dear) and grotesque juicyness.
Unpop'lar programs wot she has starred-in include:
- French and French (and some other person - oh no it was ME Dawney your comedy coca-partner, don't cross me out...bee-hatch)
- The Zipper Of Dumping Current affairs reportage about a crotch-fly which hilariously sprang open in the middle of a dump.
- The Whipper Was Dribbly BBC3 Porn version of above.
- Wilde Waist (with least-popular personalitee-type person Caroline-O'Hern-O'Tate-Britain). Dawn plays the leather rubbery belt round Oscar Wildes tiny west-country homo (Dwarf Castle).
- Whoops There Goes My Latex! (with Victoria Woods). Reality TV series inside an elderly womans support-hose.
- Dawn French And The Amazing Techni-colour DreamTour Round Her Buttocks Genealogy show rip-off.
- Let Them Eat Me, Bloody Frogs Treasure hunt-type show with real-life helicopter landing on Dawns bossom to find long lost treasure.
- Two Tonnes Of Fat And A Packet Of Lard Cheese in which Dawn eats Will Mellor...with hilarious consequences (lucky bitch).