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“Do you beat your wife?”
“I love money, go Heat!”
“(Expletive) you! (Expletive) You! Your league is rigged!”
David Stern (4'3", 63 lbs) was the commissioner of the NBA (National Basketball Association) from 1984-2010 and the ILSTA (I Love Superstar Teams Association) from 2010-2014. Over his 30-year tenure as the commissioner, a whopping eight teams managed to win the championship, although Stern originally planned for only the Lakers, Celtics, and Knicks to win it all.
edit Early years
Little David Stern (yes, even littler) was born in New York in 1942. When he was young, his favorite pastime was to go to the local automobile racing track to hang out with mobsters. The mobsters would fix the races to receive a maximum profit from betting and even give Stern 5% of all winnings. Stern constantly attended the races and earned a fortune from the races, which satisfied him, but unfortunately, a drunk NASCAR fan robbed the defenseless Stern while he was leaving the track and counting his money.
edit Rise to "World's Most Powerful Man"
The mobsters eventually discontinued their attendance at the track, so Stern had no way of earning profits. After a failed attempt at asking stock car owners for money, the crestfallen Stern decided to become the commissioner of NASCAR. Stern actually received the position after a show-of-hands vote conducted on the streets of New York. Stern spent two years as the president, commissioner, CEO, and dictator of NASCAR. He was dissatisfied with his profession when realizing that he had no assistance in fixing the races. He needed some people to force other cars to crash or go backwards, but it wasn't possible. The year was 1984, and there was one major sport that had a commissioner opening.
David Stern has been such a successful commissioner that he has very few controversies, according to himself. Here are notable incidents that have occurred from 1984-2013.
edit 1985 Draft Lottery
Stern went to Hollywood University Law School, where he learned that larger cities produce much of a nation's profit. This actually had a real-world application, because a year after Stern was admitted as commissioner, he decided to create a basketball dynasty in New York (SPOILER: he was unsuccessful) by purposely drawing an envelope that gave the New York Knicks the first overall pick. They selected Patrick Ewing, who was actually quite decent for the team, but he played on the Knicks.
edit Screwing the Kings
Believe or not, the Sacramento Kings actually have a basketball team. They haven't been relevant since 2002, the year Stern demanded all referees to bet against them, or else they'd be tried for fairness (the most serious crime in the NBA official rulebook). The Kings nearly had the Western Conference champion spot locked up, until the refs managed to call everything in game 6 in favor of the Lakers. After the game, Stern stomped on, spat on, burned, and pooped on every single tape and recording of the game to hide the evidence.
edit The Gang Era
David Stern believed his league was turning into organized gang fighting. He had valid arguments for his belief, which included Allen Iverson, the emergence of the shooting sleeve, Stephon Marbury's forehead tattoo, and especially the infamous Malice at the Palace. During a 2004 Pacers-Pistons game, Ron Artest (who later repented and changed his name to Metta World Peace) fouled Afroman while he was freestyling at the basket. Artest punched him and every other player on the Pistons. His teammates Stephen Jackson and Jermaine O'Neal joined in on the fun too, as the trio gathered up all of the chairs in the stadium and hurled them at drunk Pistons fans. Unfortunately for them, the Pistons had an experienced criminal named Sheed Wallace. Coming off of his fourth arrest, Sheed took the scorer's table and body slammed six fans and Ron Artest to the ground with it. After six more minutes of fighting, the SWAT team came in and cleared out the stadium. Both teams were arrested and suspended for public gang fighting. Stern suspended each player, fan, and mascot from both teams indefinitely for being "a bunch of punks."
edit Woah, He Has the Power to Block Trades?
David Stern, who owned the New Orleans Hornets in 2011 blocked a trade that would have sent Chris Paul to the Lakers, who would theoretically destroy Stern's favorite team, the Heat in the NBA Finals. As the trade was being executed, Stern shouted, "That's not fair! You bunch of meanies are being big fat jerks!" Stern cancelled the trade and later sent Chris Paul to the Clippers, who have absolutely no chance of ever winning anything in the playoffs.
edit The Timberwolves Controversy
The Minnesota Timberwolves, who had been bottom-feeders since the departure of Kevin Garnett, released their opening-day lineup for the 2012 season. It had four white guys on it, which upset David Stern. Stern did nothing about it though and the controversy ended.
In a meaningless regular season game between the Spurs and the Heat in 2012, the Spurs old coach decided to sit out three old players: Tim Duncan, Tony Parker, and Manu Ginóbili. Although nobody considers them superstars because they're really boring, Stern claim that the team needed to play all superstars, regardless of concussions, ACL tears, or mad cow disease. Stern fined the Spurs coach $250,000, and he bought a yacht and put the rest in his retirement funds. Later that season, the Heat rested LeBron James and Dwyane (sic) Wade against the Spurs, and Stern rewarded the Heat with high-fives and a second consecutive NBA title.
Sort of like soccer, NBA players decided that you could actually draw a foul by intentionally falling in front of one of Stern's employed referees The technique was invented by Vlade Divac and later used by Paul Pierce, Manu Ginóbili, Anderson Varejão, and the golden boy LeBron James. When a non-superstar flopped, it resulted in a hefty fine. When a superstar flopped, it was "part of the game" and "kudos to him for fooling Joey Crawford (that bald ref who is really mean)."
edit Draft Day
David Stern loved the NBA Draft. Every year, he was greeted by thousands of boos from fans of all 29 teams (no Bobcats fans even bothered showing up). He'd announced each pick and each year he'd smile and say, "Keep booing and the Heat will win another championship next year." Unfortunately, the fans couldn't see nor hear the diminutive man, and the Heat kept winning championships.
After thirty years of ruining the NBA and screwing over small-market franchises, Stern decided he would retire in 2014. Stern bought the White House with all of the money he obtained over the three decades. Despite not participating in any election, Stern elected himself president after suspending Barack Obama for making a joke about the Heat when the team visited the White House in January 2014.
edit David Stern Complex
There is such thing as a David Stern Complex. Napoleon had it.