David Mitchell

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David Mitchell vampire

Mitchell on his morning walk

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about David Mitchell.

Sir David Mitchell (born on a particularly grim day during the late Victorian Era) is an actor and comedian who is strongly suspected of owning a lawn with peacocks on it. He was recently given a knighthood for his ability to complain about any given person or thing to a point which is considered excessive even amongst the British. He is required by law to spend at least ten hours a day in the company of a man named Robert Webb, due to a humourous misunderstanding which neither of them wishes to talk about.

edit Biography

David Mitchell was born on 14 July 1974, or Broken Car Window Memorial Day 1794 in the New Calendar. His comedy career began with an impromptu piece of slapstick at the age of 15 when he accidentally tripped over a watering can and was pointed and laughed at by a cruel passerby. This incident has been cited by a discreditable historian as the possible beginning of his thinly veiled hatred of mankind. This discreditable historian, writing under the pseudonym of Lee Mack, has also alleged that Mitchell may have been attempting to kick the watering can during one of his earliest angry rants. Mack's theory is that Mitchell suddenly decided that although watering cans were a good thing in ages past, they aren't anymore, and that anyone owning a can designed for the dispensation of water in the present day and age is an idiot who deserves to be locked up and viciously beaten for the good of civilization. Mack's theory has been widely ignored or else labelled as nonsense by his colleagues, as is Mack generally, but was successfully made into the television series Would I Lie to You?

edit Mitchell and Webb

Mitchell rose to fame and fortune quite accidentally when it was noticed by a semi-shrewd confidence trickster that anything said in Mitchell's rather peculiar voice sounds amusing, regardless of subject matter, relevance or even coherence. This confidence trickster, believed to currently be operating under the name of Robert Webb, decided to approach Mitchell with the idea of becoming his comedy partner, drinking partner and disastrously underqualified manservant. The suggestion was greeted with unbounded enthusiasm, although not by Mitchell, who simply blinked at Webb before having an angry fit and vowing to leave Britain forever and move to Scotland. This incident later became the inspiration for the Banana Dance sketch in That Mitchell and Webb Look.

Roughly ninety years later, Webb's grandson, also named Robert, discovered Mitchell living as a ghost in Glamis Castle. With the characteristic Webb semi-shrewdness he realized that Mitchell, as well as having an unusual and therefore amusing voice, had also now come into possession of a very outdated, not to mention even more bitter, outlook on the society around him. And so the events of by-now-a-little-bit-before-roughly-ninety years ago were repeated once again, meaning they were repeated twice (probably), and were filmed as part of a new television series entitled Peep Show. Mitchell consented to the new plans, which varied very slightly from the plans laid out by Webb's grandfather in that they were different, whereas the original plans of by-now-a-little-bit-before-a-little-bit-before-roughly-one-hundred-and-twenty-years ago were not. This fact has been questioned by some historians, although Lee Mack claims to understand it perfectly.

edit Humour controversy

In an interview with Oddly Shaped Toadstool magazine in November 2008 Mitchell stated that nothing he has ever said or done, even while not on television or radio, has been meant to be seen in a humourous light. He when on to say that he has found it very difficult to launch his career as a serious social commentator when the majority of the individuals he speaks with simply laugh uproariously at his comments about almost every important issue he is trying to discuss with them. Mitchell also expressed his utmost disappointment in the very unprofessional behaviour of several of his fellow guests on the important topical debate shows he frequently appears on. The interviewer did not respond as both he and his magazine do not exist. Yet.

This problem was solved for Mitchell when he made his first appearance on QI on a beautiful Autumn night in the Winter of 2009. Stephen Fry has threatened that anyone who tells Mitchell that QI is also meant to be a comedy show will be immediately guillotined. Fry retracted his threat when it was pointed out to him that guillotining a person is technically murder, something he has vowed never to do since that dark and terrible day when Pam Ayres appeared as a guest on QI.

edit Hobbies

David Mitchell does not enjoy his many hobbies, which include labelling and relabelling his object collection. He has identified a small woolen dog, a paint tin (still in its packaging and complete with the original vermilion paint), the left half of a whole coconut, and his house as some of his favourite objects from the collection. Nobody is entirely certain how extensive this collection is or what other objects it may consist of. Mitchell's other hobbies include disliking writing poetry, hating foxhunting and finding swimming abhorrent. He has stated that, although clocks are his favourite thing to dislike, he finds comedians almost as repulsive, and frequently vomits when forced to appear on a panel show.

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