From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|Years Active||666 A.C. to 6669 D.C|
|Amount Employees Slept With||15.6 more then Wilt Chamberlain|
|Amount of jokes told about O.J. Simpson||21,210,768|
|Amount of jokes recycled about O.J. Simpson again||11,673,900,789,654|
|Amount of jokes told about Rosie O'Donnell||950 lbs worth|
|Amount of jokes told about Rosie O'Donnell that were actually funny||3|
|Amount of jokes told about Bill Clinton||12,900,00|
|Amount of jokes told about Bill Clinton having sex with Monica Lewinsky||calculator exploded when giving final result|
|Amount of jokes told about Dick Cheney shooting someone||lost count after 1,990,000|
|Amount of jokes told about "that thing on Donald Trump's head"||way too many|
|Amount of jokes told about Osama Bin Laden & Al-Qaeda||Enough to go multi-platinum with|
|Amount of total jokes all together told that where funny||7|
|Amount of jokes that aren't funny||All Episodes between 1985 to 2014|
“Least the intern he banged didn't save the stained dress”
“It's no surprise he slept with an employee, how do you think Paul Shaffer and CBS orchestra got the gig?”
edit The Late Dave Show
David Letterman is the host of the CBS late night variety show called, "The Late Show With David Letterman" and is also a part time postman for Western Union, a self proclaimed greatest ever greeter Walmart has ever seen, and holds the world record for most times a jacket has been buttoned up and then unbuttoned repeatedly during a 55 minute time slot.
In 1885 David took over from Johnny Carson as the #1 POOOOOOP on American and Cincinnati television. Dave was chosen himself by Johnny Carson as his second choice to take over his position, his first choice was Jay Leno but Jay's enormous chin would not fit between the entrance doors to the the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City so Dave got the contract.
edit Before Sleeping With Employees
Here is usually a good place to write about someone's full name and talk a little about the person's childhood & family, as well as things he did before becoming an international celebrity. But seeing as how no one really cares to know, we felt no need to include one and just jump straight into the life you know him as today.
edit LIVE FROM NEW YORK
Since the time The Late Show began, Dave has interviewed even more celebrities than employees he has slept with (believe it or not, though the figures for each are close) and has interviewed many of the world's most renowned names and celebrity persona ranging from actors, musicians, politicians, Media Personalities and a couple of aliens. Not all are interesting or entertaining guests, some are people both you yourself and the audience could live without ever knowing existed. People such as Dave's Mom, Dave's Tailor, Dave's personal Gynecologist, Little Fat Kids, Cafe Workers and weird people who do things like sticking their thumb inside their pets' orifices to make them yelp to music to make it seem like they are singing to a silly song. And don't get us started on the stand up comedians. Please, there is enough depressing information to read on this page as there is.
edit Dave's Heterosexually Challenged Co-Host
Bonnie had Clyde, Fred had Barney, Homer has Peter Griffon... none of which ever hosted a late night talk show, nor a daytime one for that matter, but everyone needs a side kick. So for Dave he hired the great Paul Shaffer and the rest of the Blues Brothers band. We here at uncyclopedia don't always rant and rave about the same thing, sometimes we give factual information that you probably didn't even know. Like did you know Paul was originally known for being the musical genius behind Saturday Night Live? Or that Paul wrote all the music for The "Blues Brothers" movies, but couldn't be in the movie because Paul had just finished touring with Queen and traces of Mercury where found in his stomach. He did however appear in Blues Brothers 2000, and as we just said, we sometimes can be very factual on this site. So factual that the fact remains of how the facting hell that facting piece of facting shit got the green light to be made? I mean, here is Paul, in his prime, doing SNL, Smokey and The Bandit, This is Spinal Tap and he goes and facts up his career by doing Blues Brothers 2000.
The movies brought shame to both Paul and David for many years to come. Jay Leno began to kick their ass in the ratings, because even tho Jay is gay and plays with clay, least he had nothing to do with BB2000. Eventually The Late Show's slum ended just after 9/11 when Dave and Paul returned to work as patriots and Jay Lesbo was being a whiny little bitch hiding 800,000 miles away from where ground zero took place. What a dumb ass bum-bum face, hey?!
edit After Sleeping With Employees
Dave truly felt like Hugh Hefner when information went public in 2005 about Dave porking his office interns. The truth of the matter is actually a government coverup to mask the truth that it was former U.S President "rockabilly" Clinton at it again. But Dave as a proud American hero since that time just days after that horrible tragedies of September 11th and announced, "Fuck you terrorists, I need to earn my booty money". Dave was on top of the world, a Playboy reputation for girls he didn't bone, an American hero for standing in-front of a camera, Rupert-G passing his exam for talking English at a 3rd Grade level, and people forgetting the biggest disaster of all time, Blues Brothers 2000.
Now Dave and Paul are set for life. Dave's show and job is now secure for another 70 years. Enough material has been written in the past for them to recycle enough to get through the next millennium with. That being the case, there is no need to waste money on writers. So next time you see Letterman on TV and find yourself not even cracking a smile at stale left-wing liberal jokes that only the audience put their hands together to applaud, then wonder no more why such a thing happens, just blame Jay Leno.
edit Regular Segments
- Stupid Dumb Tricks where Dave invites losers from all over the country to come into the studio and do something completely retarded to fill in 5 minutes before cutting to footage of the dumb video of the week that will be played on average 75 times a show for the next 15 weeks.
- The Subtitled Pictures where Dave will hold up a newspaper clipping or picture from a magazine and try to add a humorous title to it, then flip it on the floor behind him where he keeps a group of kidnapped employees tied up to receive a nasty paper cut for not wanting to sleep with him.
- Know Your Cuts Of Meat which is just an excuse to go into the audience and ask where they are from, so the audience can chant out and clap like anyone cares if they are proud to be from somewhere like Rhode Island. This game was however later added to the initiation process for Freebutcher pledges by Dave himself, who is a memeber of the Freebutchers.
- Christmas Throw happens every year just before Christmas when Dave will throw a football at the stupid object they have put on top of the tree, and bore an audience to death for 10 minutes while he and the guest show their lack of sporting ability.
- Animal Planet where Dave invites a retarded Animal keeper on the show to bring in a bird or monkey in diapers to look cute for ratings while the keeper is oblivious to Dave making him look like a moron on live television.
- Watering Pedestrians every year without fail when summer comes along, Dave will play the previous year's footage of squirting pedestrians with a hose on the streets of NY. But the most famous of them all is...
- The Top 10 List where Dave will read out a top 10 list based on current events, which are never really funny at all, but the audience is bribed with a coupon for a buy 1 get one free hooker at Central Park that Dave's mother works as the head mistress.
- Staff and special guests walk-throughs, when the set is invaded randomly for them to talk to Letterman, who randomly talks back.
- Booth announcer interuptions with Allan Clutter also often randomly announcing something and, when a camera then shows him, he is dressed as a lion tamer, ballet dancer, or baby, or he is holding a gun to his head.
- Hello Deli competitions, with street-bums being brought into a nearby shop to appear with the owner, Rupert Jeez.
- Audience Giving Useless Applause this game is played almost nightly. The audience receives a signed photo of Dave banging Sarah Palin on the CBS news desk, provided they play along with the game. The game is to give as many useless rounds of applause as they can whenever someone mentions they worked with an actor that everyone knows, particularly award winners and old farts that have croaked in the past 10 years. Other ways to win are when someone on the show mentions they are going to/already have or are even thinking about having a baby, or whenever anyone mentions they are getting married/just got married or have been married for such and such amount of years. This is all a prank Dave likes to play on home viewers to make them wonder why these people get a round of applause for doing something any old average-Joe can do. But hey, seeing an uncensored pic of Letterman nailin' Pailin is worth going along with the stupid idea!!!
edit The Late Show Top 10
The Top Ten Things You Always See On The Letterman Show.
- 10. Dave finishing off his monolog, then asks an imaginary person who must care, "Is he there?".
I mean, Come on. Who is Dave Kidding? As if spotting a little bald headed gay man dressed like Elton John and smells like Elton John bummed him is hard to miss?
- 09. Dave making remarks about the rats at Dunkin Donuts.
- 08. Announce sarcastically that his next guest is a prime time Emmy award winning actor/actress from another network. Then watch as he holds back the tears that he can't escape CBS and mutters to himself "Mother fucking Jay Leno, bastard fat porky son of a..."
- 07. Rupert G not laughing at Dave's jokes 'cause he can't see the applause sign from the "Hello Deli".
- 06. When a guest first comes out, Dave will whisper into their ear, "Laugh when the audience does, the applause sign is not visible from this side of the stage".
- 05. Mention of famous names, particularly dead ones. Dave will intentionally pause, nod like, "yes, you should applaud that name" and then try to talk serious for a moment about some random bullshit before Alan Coltar interrupts to do something that wasn't funny the first time he did it on last weeks show.
- 04. Expect a recycled joke every night about Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton, Osama Bin Larden or O.J. Simpson, and the audience still paying too much attention to that frigging applause sign.
- 03. If a joke actually works for the show, expect the Late Show to repeat it every night for the next 2 months. If the joke doesn't work, expect the Late Show to repeat it every night for the next 2 months
- 02. David coming out and undoing his buttons on his jacket, then doing it back up, then undoing it, then doing it back up again till he undoes it to sit down.
- 01. The #1 in the "top ten" always sucks. So to keep with the tradition, so does this one.
We'll be right back after the break with more uneventful entertainment.
edit Late Show Trivia
- Dave owns many sets of pants that are kept, worldwide, in case of need, in train station lockers numbered 7.
- Jay Leno is a secret fan, to the extent that he flew from LA to NY and snuck into the 4 February 2010 taping of Letterman's show in disguise as a comedian.
- Letterman's life support machine is maintained by staff member, Tony Mender.
- Dave has 3 children with his wife Paul Shaffer. All of them boys. Their names are Larry, Curly and Baldy, named after their parents.
- Felecia Collins is the guitar player of the PMS orchestra, not Lenny Kravits as most people believe.
- Biff Henderson was a miss universe runner up in 1983.
- Dave slept with <insert name here>'s mom in 1998.
- Richard Simmons refuses to be a guest on the show since Dave insulted him by calling him heterosexual.
- Employee of the months get bonus points for swallowing
- Dave's yearly summer joke of spraying water on pedestrians outside the Ed Sullivan theater was never funny to begin with.
- Stephenie is the daughter of Vince McMahon.
- The guy in the PMS orchestra on trumpet that looks like Ron Jeremy actually IS Ron Jeremy.
- In order to remain relevent, the show is taped the day after it airs, and the PMS time machine delivers it to the network on the afternoon it airs.