David Letterman

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“Least the intern he banged didn't save the stained dress”

~ Oscar Wilde

“It's no surprise he slept with an employee, how do you think Paul Shaffer and CBS orchestra got the gig?”

~ That trumpet player in the band that looks like Ron Jeremy


'David's head expanding when contemplating all the possible jokes he can tell every night about Bill Clinton and O.J. Simposon!'
Years Active	666 A.C. to 6669 D.C
Amount Employees Slept With	15.6 more then Wilt Chamberlain
Amount of jokes told about O.J. Simpson	21,210,768
Amount of jokes recycled about O.J. Simpson again	11,673,900,789,654
Amount of jokes told about Rosie O'Donnell	950 lbs worth
Amount of jokes told about Rosie O'Donnell that were actually funny	3
Amount of jokes told about Bill Clinton	12,900,00
Amount of jokes told about Bill Clinton having sex with Monica Lewinsky	calculator exploded when giving final result
Amount of jokes told about Dick Cheney shooting someone	lost count after 1,990,000
Amount of jokes told about Osama Bin Laden & Al-Qaeda	Enough to go multi-platinum with
Amount of total jokes all together told that where funny	7
Amount of jokes that aren't funny	All Episodes between 1985 to 2010

David Letterman is the host of the CBS late night variety show called, "The Late Show With David Letterman" and is also a part time postman for Western Union, a self proclaimed greatest ever greater Walmart has ever seen, and holds the world record for most times a jacket has been buttoned up and then unbuttoned repeatedly during a 55 minute time slot.

In 1885 David took over from Johnny Carson as the #1 late night variety show host on American and Cincinnati television. Dave was chosen himself by Johnny Carson as his second choice to take over his position, his first choice was Jay Leno but Jay's enormous chin would not fit between the entrance doors to the the Ed Sullivan Theater in New York City so Dave got the contract.

[edit] Before Sleeping With Employees

Here is usually a good place to write about someones full name and talk a little about the persons childhood & family, as well as things he did before becoming an international celebrity. But seeing as how no one really cares to know, we felt no need to include one and just jump straight into the life you know him as today.

[edit] And NOWWWWWWWWWW, FROM NEW YORK CITY

Since the time The Late Show began, Dave has interviewed even more celebrities then employees he has slept with (believe it or not, tho the figures for each are close) and has interviewed many of the worlds most renowned names and celebrity persona ranging from actors, musicians, politicians, Media Personalities, & aliens. And then people that an audience could live without ever knowing about such as, Dave's Mom, Dave's Tailor, Dave's personal Gynecologists, Little Fat Kids, Cafe Workers and weird people who do things like sticking there thumb inside there pets orifices to make them yelp to music to make it seem like they are singing to a silly song.

The show will also contain regular segments that each have a catchy theme tune to them played by Dave's real life gay lover Paul Shaffer & the PMS orchestra.

Regular segments include:

Stupid Dumb Tricks where Dave invites losers from all over the country to come into the studio and do something completely retarded to fill in 5 minutes before cutting to footage of the dumb video of the week that will be played on average 75 times a show for the next 15 weeks.
The Subtitled Pictures where Dave will hold up a newspaper clipping or picture from a magazine and try to add a humorous title to it, then flip it on the floor behind him where he keeps a group of kidnapped employees tied up to receive a nasty paper cut for not wanting to sleep with him.
Know Your Cuts Of Meat which is just an excuse to go into the audience and ask where there from, so the audience can chant out and clap like anyone cares if they are proud to be from somewhere like Rhode Island.
Christmas Throw happens every year just after Christmas when Dave will throw a football at the stupid object they have put on top of the tree, and bore an audience to death for 10 minutes while he and the guest show there lack of sporting ability.
Animal Planet where Dave invites a retarded Animal keeper on the show to bring in a bird or monkey in diapers to look cute for ratings while the keeper is oblivious to Dave making him look like a moron on live television.
Watering Pedestrians every year without fail when summer comes along, Dave will play the previous years footage of squirting pedestrians with a hose on the streets of NY. But the most famous of them all is...
The Top 10 List where Dave will read out a top 10 list based on current events, which are never really funny at all, but the audience is bribed with a coupon for a buy 1 get one free hooker at Central Park that Dave's mother works as the head mistress.

[edit] Top 10 Things You Will Always See On The Late Show With David Letterman

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about David Letterman.

The Top Ten Things You Always See On The Letterman Show.

10. Dave finishing off his introduction and then asking, "Is he there?" like spotting a little bald gay man dressed like Elton John is hard to miss.

09. Dave making remarks about the rats at Dunkin Donuts.

08. Mention of Bernie Madoff.

07. Rupert G not laughing at Dave's jokes 'cause he cant see the applause sign from the "Hello Deli".

06. When a guest first comes out. Dave will whisper into there ear, "Laugh when the audience does, the applause sign is not visible from this side of the stage".

05. Mention of baseball that only Americans care about.

04. Expect a recycled joke every night about Monica Lewinsky, Bill Clinton, Osama Bin Larden or O.J. Simpson, and the audience still paying too much attention to that frigging applause sign.

03. If a joke actually works for the show, expect the Late Show to repeat it every night for the next 2 months. If the joke doesn't work, it will still be re-told every night for 2 months anyway.

02. David coming out and undoing his buttons on his jacket, then doing it back up, then undoing it, then doing it back up again till he undoes it to sit down.

01. The #1 in the "top ten" always sucks. So to keep with the tradition, so does this one.