Van Halen
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“Dude, check this shit out!”
~ God on the Creation of Eddie Van Halen
Van Halen were responsible for the deaths of many a stereobox. Eddie Van Halen is well known for his stunning display of axemanship.
Having helped obliterate the Life-Affirming Disco Menace by introducing hard but catchy riffs to the nearly-defeated Patriarchal Idiot Rock Hegemony, thereby setting social progress back at least a century, Van Halen had no more enemies to obliterate. They turned on each other, and there was civil war. Eddie Van Halen led a group of vicious berserkers to the Fortress of Rock, home of Van Halen lead screecher David Lee Roth. After a year-long siege, Eddie broke through and slayed everyone inside the Fortress; everyone that is, except Roth.
The group was then assaulted by Bubblegum Pop, an unexpected menace. With no one to screech it seemed as though they were down for the count. Sammy Hagar took David's place as lead screecher. Unfortunately, Hagar was maligned by a dark and sinister spell which made him suck.
After years of inactivity and general suckiness, David Lee Roth emerged from the sky and stormed Eddie's Fortress. Thousands of berserkers stormed in to vanquish Roth, but he unleashed a single screech which sent their unworthy souls to Van Halla. David then made peace with Eddie and together they defeated Sammy Hagar and banished him to the Netherworlds. Sammy has sworn vengeance, but to this day hasn't left his hammock, and seems too drunk to threaten anyone but himself.
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[edit] History of the Van: Good Phase
Van Halen's rotten career is divided by scholars in four stages. The first one is known as the Magera Phase, with their first singer David Lee Roth. David Lee Roth was put on the Earth by God himself to be the second (only to Lemmy) greatest frontman of all time. During this phase, band leader Eddie "Somewhere In Time" Van Halen was responsible for keeping an entire generation of guitar-hero-wannabes locked in their bedrooms wasting their youth trying to recreate Eddie's famous Penis Tapping technique as seen on their most famous song, "Erection". This technique involved Eddie thrusting against various frets on the fretboard with his penis as if having sex with the guitar. When he finally came, the sound of his jizz hitting the strings was always enough to send the audience in to an orgy.
Critics labled Van Halen as a band full of "Gays & Skanks" with Diamond Dave coming on stage with a Dildo strapped on his chest. Fans call him "Floozy" after a song on stage.
[edit] Van Hagar
The second stage is known as the pop phase, featuring singer Sammy Hagar who really needs to be given a decent amount of credit. Eddie Van Halen was and is a bastard...
Sammy Hagar time with the group was short lived due to Hagar being such a Dickhead off stage and to the fans. One concert in 1991 had Hagar bring a fan onstage and had him beheaded in front of a crowd to show that he was the bigger dick of all than the rest. He was assasinated at the '93 Grammys by former Watchman Adrian Veidt, who later turned up dead after he used the same rifle to blow off his nuts to commit suicide and bled to death. It was rumored that Alex Van Halen ordered the killing of Hagar.
[edit] Not Van Halen
The third stage is known as the bad phase or "Not Van Halen" and lasted approximately three minutes. The singer in this phase was the Jewish Jesse Jackson. Contrary to popular belief, the bad phase was actually the best period of the band, due mostly to Jackson's unintelligible lyrics -- a welcome departure from the previous singers' material, which made fans ashamed of owning the albums after reading the lyrics in the LP sleeve or CD booklet due to their sheer stupidity. Jesse was hated by critics and fans alike though, for being too much of an extremist and, especially, for taking the alcohol away from Eddie, who started sounding less like the Iron Maiden (RIP)mascot and more like -- some might say, almost as bad as -- Barbie (which can be evidenced by the vocals on "How Many Say I" ). Remember kids, alcohol is bad. Unless you play in a rock band. His time was short lived with the group after he was considered to be a total fuck up in life.
[edit] Return of the King
The return of Eddie to a pathetic alcoholic state was hailed by fans as an indicative of a fourth stage in the band, but the Interpol has found out that this was just a sorry attempt by fanatic fan-club members to get their idol back in shape by mailing Jack Daniels bottles to his Los Angeles residence. Interpol announced they had these fans arrested and that the world is now safe from yet another Van Halen reunion, and then proceeded into a rendition of "C'Mere", from their latest album "Antics" (warning - NSFW link). Unfortunately, a second attempt to introduce alcohol back into Eddie's bloodstream was successful. Eddie Van Halen decided it was time to bring back Van Halen. This led to the controversial and widely-rejected 4th stage.
[edit] Discography
[edit] Albums
- Van Halen 1
- Van Halen 2
- Van Halen 3
- Van Halen 4
- Van Halen 5
- Van Halen 6
- Van Halen 7
- Van Halen 7 Part two
- Led Zeppelin IV
- Van Halen 8
- Van Halen 9
- Van Halen 10
- Van Halen 11
- Van Halen 12
- next album currently in production, title unknown
[edit] Singles
- "I Can't count to 55"
[edit] Sammy Hagar Solo Albums
- I Like To Party (1977)
- C'mon Boys, Let's Party (1979)
- Let's Drink (1980)
- C'mon Boys, Let's Drink (1982)
- I Like To Drink (1983)
- I Like To Drink And Drive (1985)
- I Like To Drink And Drive 55 (1987)
- C'mon Boys, Let's Drink And Drive (1989)
- Let's Rock (1990)
- C'mon Boys, Let's Chase The Girls...Then Drink...Then Party (1994)
- Sammy Likes To Party: The Greatest Hits Of Sammy Hagar (1996)
- Let Sally Drink And Drive 55 Like It's 1999 (1999)
