From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“"But David, surely you've just ripped off the plot of the 80s mini-series V?"”
David Habsburg Slytherin Icke is a former English football player, television sports journalist, and leader of the Green Party. He is also a philosopher, model-maker, documentary film maker, public speaker, Messiah, and alien-human-hybrid-reptilian shapeshifter.
Hatched at 6:15 PM on April 29th, 1952, in Leicester Zoo, England David was born to the only Rockefellian Iguana in the facility, who had become pregnant without the use of a turkey baster. Considered by some to be a freak and by others to be a little plump around the mid section, David Icke remains to be the only real alien-human-hybrid-reptilian-shapeshifter known to mankind.
Preferring the warmth of the sun on his skin Icke quit school to become a football goalkeeper, but unfortunately his reptilian knees were unable to take the punishment of the professional game and he was forced to become a TV Presenter for the BBC. Shortly afterwards he would meet the one person who would become his life long arch enemy and nemesis: Des Lynam.
Des Lynam / New World Order
Having taken control of the Bilderberg group, the CFR, The Trilateral Commission and the United Nations Des Lynam knew that only David Icke stood between him and complete control over the entire New World Order.
When Icke realised Lynam's evil plans and begin to fight against them it was already too late. Using Manchurian candidate brainwashing techniques Lynam forced Icke to watch thousands of hours of run-runs of a 1980s sci-fi mini-series. Applying methods Lynam had developed at Plum Island he was able to convince Icke that he was not the only alien-human-hybrid-reptilian-shapeshifter on the planet, and that actually the world was controlled by an evil inter-dimensional-frequency based 1980s sci-fi mini-series.
When the brainwashing process was complete Lynam compounded Icke's misery by forcing him to wear Nick Conway's old tracksuits and appear on Wogan. Ickes character assignation was complete and he was sent to the isle of Wight for 40 episodes to be laughed at.
By ousting Icke, and taking control of Football programming on BBC1 Lynam was able to control the BBC and therefore the United Kingdom and with it his Ring of Power over the planet would be complete. Despite his apparent loss of sanity and being under Lynam's Manchurian candidate control Icke still maintained some understanding of Des Lynam and his evil NWO agenda, and began to gather a small following amongst those willing to listen to stories about lizards.
Over time Lynam's ability to control Icke began to reduce and Icke's following began to grow. Especially when he started to talk a bit less about lizards, and power appeared to be shifting in Icke's favour. Lynam felt the shift in the balance of power and employed his new apprentice Gary Lineker to convince Icke that the moon was made of cheese by forcing him to watch thousands of hours of Wallace and Grommit videos. This alienated many of Icke's alien followers, but many cheese experts still insist that perhaps it might be worth going back to the moon just to check.
|“||David Icke. What must be said, what can be omitted?||”|
Torquiose is Davids Favourite Color [Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]
What cannot be left unsaid about David Icke?
His own words: "As I looked at the mound, a voice in my head began to say: ' If you see Sid tell him.'"
Monumentally abused: "I have taken 20 years of monumental abuse and misrepresentation on a scale that few, except Duncan 'Chase Me' Norvelle, have ever experienced. So what is said about me by harry Secombe and his goons on websites is like flying on an elephant's back - irrelevant to me. But if others, who are targets of this vicious 'comedian' want to take legal action in response, that is entirely up to me, which is why I am talking about it. Personally, I prefer to let my acolytes post poorly phrased abuse and ill-advised threats of legal action while I sit at home wanking into a dish and crying."
David Icke has proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is a silver Illuminati pyramid under the water off the coast of Cuba, just above the Shatner's Bassoon. David Icke believes that Prince Charles is an iguana, and that he, himself, is the Cosmic Suitcase of Ruth and Dave. Icke believes in super silver solutions monatomic gold and its efficacy in treating sanity. David believes in crystal power, astrology, eating the anal glands of civet cats for good health, and the fundamental doctrine of luciferianism. He also believes that Mr T pities the fool and certainly won't be getting on no plane.
Icke believes that the Illuminati doesn't yet own the entire world, only the small software company, Opera. He maintains that Opera plans on terrorising Microsoft with flaming bags of excrement, as well as Opera singing until it succumbs and gives away the source code to Windows as well as all rights to the most-crashing OS, so Opera can take over the IT world and extort all non-Macintosh offices for billions of dollars. After this, Illuminati intends to reinstall the Y2K bug for all computers, even the thousand Apple Macs in the world, and change the bug so it implodes computers on December 21, 2012. Icke says the machines will actually explode and reduce the worlds population to 533 million people. The insidious plan then proceeds to kick off the New World Order where reptilians will be slaves for the poor, and crocodiles will be hunted again as Steve Irwin is resurrected and becomes the figurehead of the New World Religion.
Icke claims vindication for his views from a number of indisputable facts:
- That the royal family, George Bush, the Rothschild family and other wealthy people he claims are evil slobbering shapeshifting reptiles have not come forward for blood tests.
- He claims that Prince Charles uses his large ears as a communication device to communicate with his reptilian brethren on Sirius 6 in the Aformsa galaxy.
- That no-one has tried to debunk Icke's well-researched claims except for "obvious purveyors of disinformation.
David Icke believes that all who do not believe in him and his message of "Infinite Love" are as follows:
- "I couldn't care less what they say because they are a bunch of irrelevant, self-indulgent navel-contemplators who are doing the Illuminati's job for them by seeking to undermine any researcher who commits the crime of actually getting the information out to the mainstream public."
- "They are just shepherds who hide behind bushes to spew out their hatreds from their gutless anonymity, despite the fact that they have no guts and, therefore, I'm a little unsure where the spew in question would have originated from. They have balls the size of processed peas and the word 'Homebase' does not even begin to suffice."
- "Why should I, or anyone else, care what such people say about me or anyone? Well, obviously I care enough to make this statement, but the irony seems to have escaped me for the moment. They are utterly irrelevant and they have made themselves so by refusing to buy my self-published pamphlets."
Icke, when provoked enough, also claims to believe that "I have already done more to inform the public worldwide, and change lives for the better, than most people will do if they live to be a thousand."
- Thora Hird, the thousand year old actress and inventor of the stair-lift responded to this comment by pointing out that Icke is "a schizophrenic second-rate goal-keeper who wouldn't know community responsibility if he fell over it on the way to his helicopter pad." She later added, "If he thinks different I'll see the twat outside."
Icke has yet to respond to these comments, and appears unlikely to want a confrontation in the near future.
The Reptilian Brain
David Icke discovered his the reptilian brain after opening his head to complain about the noise. The two Lizards called Percy and Flibble both agreed to keep the noise down, as long as he keeps talking about truth vibrations, however worrying for Icke fans: Percy and Flibble haven't made contact with Icke's brain for some time now.
David's brain Lizards are currently acting as part-time consultants to the UK labour party leader Ed Miliband
The Libel Action
In 2004, David was taken to the high court in London after Godzilla was suing him for Liable. The main premis being that 'Godzilla is not assuming a human identity and is a Lizard by choice and didnt wanted to be tarred by being Illuminati'. During the hearing, things got heated and Godzilla even threatened David's home on the Isle of Wight if he didn't stop accusing him of being related to the Queen. The case ran for 1 hour and the judge awarded Godzilla undisclosed damages.
Davids latest theory is covered in his 2010 book the 2010 page Opus Is the Moon made of cheese?. His latest theory is that the
Extras from V Mind Control Reptiles are close to exhausting their cheese stock from the moon and now want to take over the earth's food chain of hard dairy related products. Sceptics have pointed out the diet requirements of reptiles do not include cheese and this would probably kill them. However Icke reassures us that if The Queen can eat dairy products then so can the Illuminati.
Problem, Reaction, Final Solution?
David Icke frequently claims to have invented the Hegelian Dialectic, when asked why it was not then called 'the Ickian Dialectic' he blurted out a series of important sounding words in no particular order and made a break for the door.
When asked if by lizards he really meant Jews Icke replied:
|“||No you retard. I am referring to Rothchild Zionism which is an evil group of ridiculously rich bankers and businessmen who could not give a fuck about religion or you for that matter. Also, I'm controlled by Des Lynam using Manchurian candidate brainwashing techniques. Why don't you bastards believe me?||”|
- Alex Jones
- Aleister Crowley
- Raptor Jesus
- Bill Hicks
- isle of Wight
- Reptilian Agenda
- Basil Brush
- Alan Partridge
- Richard C. Hoagland