David Hicks

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Dhicks
The ever-jaunty David Hicks at his 2007 press conference, sporting a sweater from the Midnight in Ciaro winter line which he designed while visiting Iran
“Years from now, I think they'll be saying something like 'You party hard, but you don't party like David Hicks, right'”
~ David Bowie on (cocaine, and) David Hicks

David Hicks, also known as Simi al-Prada or Dawud al-GaHiqqs (b. 1991) is best known for his revolutionizing of terrorist fashion throughout the globe (though mainly on the small island of Guantanamo Bay). [1]

edit Hicks: The Fashionista

Born to an ethnic tribe of Aboriginals in rural Austria, Hicks gained an interest in clothing design at a young age. Fellow villagers recall Hicks joyfully gallivanting about the camp, modeling his latest seasonal outfits. This love of fashion took its toll on the tribe: as buffalo pelts were the only fabric in the tribe, Hicks went on a rampage, decimating the indigenous populations. Entire watering holes dried up like that one scene in The Lion King near the end when shits all fucked up. Fearing total starvation, the high priests politely asked Hicks to embark upon a permanent spirit quest.

edit al-Prada: The Freedom Fighter

Once out of the wilderness, Hicks discovered two of his life's greatest passions: chiffon, and fighting against American pigswine. This posed quite a dilemma for a then 16-year-old Hicks; traditional extremist values dictate a rather strict dress code. A code by which Hicks could not live. Determined to find the midpoint, Hicks began his earliest concept drawings for bin-Fab!: Terror Fashions for all Body Types, which is still praised by top designers to date. Hicks traveled to Afghanistan.

bin-Fab! gave Hicks the buzz he needed to penetrate the hard-to-sell terrorist market. Hicks began the terror party circuit, gaining status as a playboy socialite of the Afghan terror scene. One top Taliban officer was quoted as saying "He's like a legend man...he's the next Michaelangelo, but of clothing. Clothing designed mostly for terrorists."

edit Decline

After a number of very successful lines (and, ironically no actual acts of terrorism), Hicks began to crack under the pressures of the fashion world. He was contracted to design an outfit for Al Quaeda, but the outfit he designed was incredibly elaborate. It was took up 50 square feet, and was slammed by Terrorist Fashion Weekly as "appalling." They went on to say that "How could someone hide in a cave with an outfit like that? It's just gaudy, not to mention impractical. People will think we terrorist have no fashion sense at all!" The job to design Al Quaeda's official outfit was instead given to Bin Laden, who designed a pink outfit with frilly red lace and tight leather pants that Terrorist Fashion Weekly described as "totally adorable." Hicks was overcome by jealousy, which became even more pronounced when Bin Laden won the much sought-after Terrorist fashion designer of the month award. His confidence was rattled. He needed to find somewhere where he could settle down and rethink his life.

edit Guantanamo: The Island

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Hicks cell in Camp X-Ray-As released by the American Government

Citing "corporate strong arming" and "general fatigue," Hicks booked a moderately-sized room at a hotel on Guantanamo Bay Island, where he had heard that a number of acquaintances were also vacationing. Over the next few years, Hicks meditated regularly, reawakened his "spiritual" side, and was reported to have become a rather formidable table tennis player.

On March 27, 2007, David Hicks held a press conference to discuss his downtime, his future fashion plans, and his involvement in terrorist activities. [2]

edit Trial

On Tuesday the 27th of March David hicks pleaded guilty to charges such as 'material support for terrorism.' The champions of all that is good and just in mankind America have moved one step closer to protecting the world from those who support Muslims...um i mean terrorists. After the trial it is expected that Australia will move on and forgot Hicks, Schapelle Corby style besides the odd appearance of his father Terry Hicks on today tonight.

edit References

  1. Armijo, Robert W. (2007-05-22). David Hicks (suspected Aussie terrorist) released into Australian Custody. TheSpoof.com.
  2. Associated Press (2007-03-27). Australian pleads guilty to terrorism charge. MSNBC.com.
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