David Cameron

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David Cameron (back right) drumming up Conservative support in an inner-city area by playing with his balls

“He always enjoyed a good 'scrum-up' in the showers!”

~ Boris Johnson on David Cameron

“Toff on crime,toff on the causes of crime!”

~ Mock the Week on David Cameron

David Gordon "Judas","Posh Spice", "Cummybum" Cameroon is a simpering 'down wid da hood' do-gooder, professional hoodie-hugger and the world's first modified Tony Blair clone, created by a pack of Earls in Oxbridge, Aristocrasia. He's down with the kids, so you can call him "D to the A-V-E". His serious face is 2' 3" long but, when he speaks about what's best for spoon buyers, his nose can reach up to 5 foot. This is one of the longest on record, but not nearly as long as Madonna's when trying to be English. He recently founded the focus group 'Think Right, Talk Left'.

However DC as he is otherwise known, has the potential of taking Britain out of the EU and into a new age of splendid isolation. David Cameron is the next prime minister of the UK. His main support-winning policy is to reward the super rich and ridiculously posh whilst delivering the 99.99% of normal people in the UK successfully into the hands of oblivion. According to Cameron, messing up the country is 'all going to be jolly spiffing fun whatwhat'.

[edit] Ancestry

David Cameron is descended from nearly every famous person that has ever been known on the planet earth; and as a result if a cousin of every famous person who is alive today. Recent Evidence suggests that Cameron is a direct descendant of none other than Moses,who as we all know was adopted by the sister of Pharaoh. It is believed that while living at the palace, Moses had a fling with a serving maid named Hamo-titi. Hamo-titi chose to remain in Egypt after Moses insisted that Pharaoh should "Let his people go", however she had already granted custody of the children to Moses so they ended up spending several years wandering about in the sand, trapsing after their father, and putting up with his temper tantrums when they took up sculting local livestock out of gold. The children of MOses and Hamo-titi, decided that the land of milk and honey wasn't really their kind of place, and became long distance mule drivers, on the trade routes into Europe. Cameron has paraphrased his mania, when he once demanded that the Rutland police should "let his people go", following an arrest over trespass and allegations of indecent exposure of a penguin. His Great great great great grandfather was Willian VI, the least known but most fondly remembered monarch of the Hannovarian line. William VI's mistress Dorethea Jordan, alleged that she found a marmoset hidden under a rose bush at Chatsworth House, and pledged to raise this Marmoset as her own child. Contemporary rumour had it that this Marmoset was in fact the natural child of Jordan by the King, which had been smuggled out to the rose bush in a warming pan; a rumour which was later given added weight when the Marmoset was raised to the Peerage. As the King had no living legitamate child, this Marmoset was further ennobled in 1834 to become the Prince of Wales. While the Welsh objected to this, their protests were violently crushed during a series of battles that became known as the "Great Leek Squashing". It was with much difficultly, on the death of William in 1837, that the Marmoset was prevented from seizing the throne. The Marmoset was eventially granted an extraordinarily large pension by the crown and settled happily in Surrey, taking the name Cameron, and marrying a Chameleon named Ethel. It was from this stock that David Cameron is sprung. It has spuriously been suggested that Cameron's grandfather was a lizard, however such rumours are in fact groundless; his grandfather was, in fact, a Liverpudlian chimney sweep named Sinbad O'Keefe, who once caught the Rt. Hon. Henrietta-Maria-Louisa-Victoria-Esmarelda-Constance-Arbuthnal-Cameron, unawares at a garden party with his mighty brush.

[edit] Early Life

David 'Dangerous Dave the Barbarian' Cameron is the product of Margaret Thatcher's brief love affair with Buzz Lightyear. Although still mobile, Thatcher is widely regarded as being physically and mentally dead, and is being kept afloat by the souls of dead miners. The trauma caused by Thatcher's death might explain why David Cameron is such an oily, obnoxious little cunt. He frequently offers human sacrifices to her mummified corpse, and lists his chief childhood hobby as having been 'popping bubble-wrap whilst whistling the Horst Wessel song and beating Lithuanian peasants with a bull's pizzle'. He is regularly fellated by Alan Duncan, the nancyboy MP for Rutting and Melting, which explains the bemused smile that never leaves his ugly face.

[edit] Education

[edit] Heatherdown Preparatory School

At the age of seven, Cameron attended the independent Heatherdown Preparatory School at Winkfield in Berkshire, which counted Prince Andrew and Prince Edward among its alumni. The school closed in the early 1980s in the wake of a drugs scandal in which it was alledged that Cameron and two close friends had used the school's pantry to store their Michalmas Term's supply of grade A cocaine. They were also charged with theft as Ketamine for the school horses were found in Dave's teeth. He was subsequently expelled, having been found committing acts of gross indecency with the school's pet rabbit. Following his removal from Heatherdown, Cameron managed to obtain a place at Hogwarts. However this too was short lived. After the Sorting Hat swiftly placed Cameron in Slytherin, he was quickly removed from the school by Professor Dumbledore, due to his "excessive interest" in the Adava Kadava curse.

[edit] Eton College

Cameron received his secondary education at Eton where he initially served as the most regular student to take it from behind. It is thought this was due to his soft skin and pudgy physique. Cameron hit trouble in May 1983, six weeks before taking his O-levels when he was revealed to have smoked skunk with some local chavs. Because he admitted the offence and had not previously been caught with chavs, he was not expelled, but he was fined, prevented from leaving school grounds, and given a punishment which involved copying 500 lines of Chav Slang. But remember also that David Cameron is just like you or me, and it is perfectly normal to go to Eton and marry a woman who is a multi Millionaire and has royal blood, especially if you are a slimy, chinless little turd.

[edit] Oxbridge University

Cameron went to Brokeback College in Oxbridge University where he studied P.P.E(The Degree For Rich Careerist Pricks Who Don't Give A Fuck About Their Fellow Human Beings) but his degree is worthless for the media still recognise him as "That toff from Eton".

Cameron went on to take his Master's Degree, reading 'Public Relations' under Professor Joseph Mengele at ODESSA College, Paraguay, passing "Mutilation of the Unborn Tory" with flying colours.

Cameron studied went on to obtain a c A in "Hunting and Keping the Serfs in their place" from Brasenose College, Oxbridge. His tutor at Oxbridge, Professor Vernon St John-Bogdanor-Smythe, described him as "one of the ablest and nicest" students he has had the pleasure to bugger; whose political views were "moderate and sensibly conservative". When commenting on his former pupil's ideas about a bill of transportation for all those with an income of less than £500k per annum replacing the human rights act, Professor St John-Bogdanor-Smythe said "I think he is very confused. I've read his speech and it's filled with contradictions keeping all with this level of income would, by necessity involve the retention of any number of Jews, Poofs and Wogs, whilst rejecting right minded forlock tugging peasants and even some pheasants. There are one or two good things in it but one glimpses them, as it were, through a mist of misunderstanding" Professor St John-Bogdanor-Smythe was later found on the floor of his wardrobe, trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey and with every orriface cramned full of Apricot stuffing. Following the coroner's finding of death by natural causes, the Professor was inturred with full military honours in the bowls of HMS Invincible.

[edit] Relationship with Margaret Thatcher

In the late 80s, David Cameron enjoyed a relationship with former British Prime Minister, Margaret "May-Whip" Thatcher. The relationship was dominated by Thatcher, with Cameron describing her as "a dominatrix, who had the tightest...tighest grip over me." Although the affair was not well known at the time, both have spoken candidly about the affair since - most notably in Thatcher's sexual autobiography: "Right-Wing: Alternative Entry to the Iron-Lady". Thatcher reveals that Cameron has a penchant for "velvet condoms, caviare lubricant and sex in top hats." Cameron, although initially accepting these claims has since changed his mind twelve times and claims: "I use latex, just like my good friend..um..Max Moseley." - his view, however, seems to depend to whom he is speaking.

The relationship ended after David Cameron was outed as an "individualist, who believes in small government, but also that we have a collective responsibility to help everyone - and the only way to do this is through government intervention. The rich should get richer, while the poor do better - but not so well, that they start to have a feeling of self worth." She also objected on the grounds that she is (a) his mother; (b) technically dead and (c) she didn't like his habit of shoving peeled oranges up his arse during dinner parties.

Following the somewhat violent collapse of this relationship, Davi sought comfort from his dear friend and Eton bedfellow Boris Johnson, this relationship had to be hidden from other friends but was sucessfully passed off as a mere accident of their both belonging to the infamous Bullingdon Club. This "club" was outwardly merely a gaggle of "upwardly mobile" young toffs getting sozzled and fondling some waitresses and/or schoolboys, however the darker side of the club involved midnight break-ins at local zoos and wildlife parks and the subsequent molestation of flightless birds. It was at this point that Cameron's proclavities and taste for the love of a good penguin became apparent.

[edit] Conservative Research Department

After graduation, Cameron worked for the Conservative Research Department between 1985 and 1993. A feature on Cameron in The Mail on Sunday on 18 March 2007 reported that on the day he was due to attend a job interview at Conservative Central Office a phone call was received from Buckingham Palace. A male voice choir was heard to sing, "We understand you are to see David Cameron. We've tried everything we can to dissuade him from wasting his time on politics but We have failed. We am ringing to tell you that you are about to meet a truly remarkable young man; not only firm of buttock and fine of forelock, but also as taut and clenched as an altarboy in Napoli"

In 1991, Cameron was seconded to Downing Street to work on briefing John Major for his bisexual session of Prime Minister's Questions. One newspaper gave Cameron the credit for "sharper ... drag performances" by Major, which included highlights for Major, as well as nipple clamps for all Junior Ministers.

However, Cameron lost out to Jonathan Ross who was appointed in March 1992. He was given the responsibility for fluffing John Major for his press conferences during the 1992 general election. During the campaign, Cameron was one of the young "Brat pack" of party strategists who worked between 12 and 20 hours a day, sleeping in the bed of Alan Duncan in Gayfere Street which had been Major's campaign headquarters during his bid for the Conservative leadership. Cameron headed the errotic section; it was while working on this campaign that Cameron first worked closely with Steve Hilton, who was later to become Director of Sexual Deviance during his party leadership. The strain of getting up at 4:45 AM every day to teabag the Minister of Culture was reported to have led Cameron to decide to leave politics in favour of journalism.

[edit] Carlton

In July 1993, Cameron left his role as Special Teabagger to work as the Director of Corporate Affairs at Carlton Communications. Carlton, which had won the ITV franchise for London weekdays in 1991, were a growing media company which also had film distribution and large video producing arms speciallising in the more exotic and obscure sexual fantasies of the upper orders. In 1997 Cameron played up the company's prospects for digital terrestrial television, for which it joined with Granada television and BSkyB to form British Digital Broadcasting. This enabled the new conglomorate to broadcast specialist Penguin orientated pornography, and films featuring the pheasant plucker's son. The company chairman described him as "board material". Others who had to work with him were less complimentary though. Senior Daily Telegraph journalist Jeff Randall said he would not trust Mr Cameron "as far as the little sod could squeeze out a slash of penguin gism" and that he "never gave a straight answer when dissemblance was a plausible alternative", while Sun business editor Ian King described him as a "slippery small-cocked penguin fucker".

Carlton's consortium did win the digital terrestrial franchise but the resulting company suffered difficulties in attracting subscribers possibly due to the low audience numbers for their specialist programming. In 1999 the Express on Sunday newspaper claimed Cameron had rubbished one of its stories which had given the accurate number of subscribers at four. Cameron resigned as Director of Corporate Affairs in February 2001 in order to fight for election to Parliament, although he remained on the payroll as a penguin enbalmer.

[edit] Member of Parliment

Upon his election to Parliament, he served as a member of the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee, a plum choice for a new MP. It was Cameron's proposal that the Committee launch an inquiry into the law on drugs, and during the inquiry he urged the consideration of "radical options".[80] The report recommended a downgrading of Ecstasy from Class A to Class B, as well as moves towards a policy of 'harm reduction', which Cameron defended. Critics have suggested that this was possibly a front to hide that large scale importation of woodlice ears and sperm whale nostrils both of which are highly prized on the illegal drugs market.

Cameron determinedly attempted to increase his public profits, offering quotes on matters of public controversy. He opposed the payment of compensation to Marylin Manson for loss of earnings after his career as a Baptist Minister was cut short by a drastic and accidental plastic surgery. However, he was passed over for a front bench promotion in July 2002; Conservative leader Iain Duncan Smith did invite Cameron and his lover George Osborne to coach him on Prime Minister's Questions in November 2002. The next week, Cameron deliberately abstained in a vote on allowing same sex couples,unmarried couples and bi-curious griffins to adopt children, against a whip to oppose; his abstention was noted. As was the licking he received from the whip.

In June 2003, Cameron was appointed as a shadow minister in the Privy Council Office as a deputy to Eric Clapton who was then Shadow Leader of the House. He also became a vice-chairman of the Conservative Party when Michael Jackson took over the leadership in November of that year. He was appointed to the opposition frontbench as bear bating spokesman in 2004 before being promoted into the shadow cabinet that June as head of Serf Management. Later he became shadow Evisceration secretary in the post-election reshuffle.

From February 2002 until August 2005 he was a non-executive director of Urbium PLC, operator of the largest number of factories producing fetish-ware for dwarfs and centaurs outside Uzbekistan, which is , of course, the world leader in the production of items for this niche market.

[edit] Drugs

Even the experts at Wikipedia got this one correct.

David discovered LSD in his Alphabetti Spaghetti as a 7-year-old, but he doesn't like to talk about it. David's drugs of choice are poppers, for he enjoys popping balloons on a regular basis. He says he simply takes poppers before making any public appearance as it helps him to relax and reminds him of his hot-air balloon days at Eton. He was once found at a party conference wearing a trenchcoat 10 sizes too large for him, bulked out with inflated banana-flavoured condoms. When challenged by security staff, he shouted "last one in the toilet's a wanker' and ran out into the street, laughing.

David Cameron still refuses to answer "yes" or "no" to allegations that he was a crackhead at university. His friend and Conservative Party Sexual Spokescreature, Gordon Brown has on several occasions stated on Cameron's behalf that it was "all a long time ago, and nobody can remember a thing, except that David was a great guy with the smallest penis we have ever seen, which he insisted on showing us all". However, video footage has surfaced on the internet of Cameron, aged 7, snorting cocaine off the back of a drunk one legged leperous prostitute. This statement may be misleading, for the woman was in actuality Cameron's mother, Margaret Thatcher.

Concern arose in February 2008 when a farmer in Cornwall noticed David Cameron with his foot trapped in a sheep's anus. The farmer reported that he had a nosebleed and was wearing nothing but a leotard and kneepads. All concerns were dismissed however when the sheep turned out to actually be Margaret Thatcher.

Despite his plans for change and modernisation, Cameron suffers from the politician's disease and therefore must be treated as a lying, two-faced scab. Effects of this illness are always heightened by being a sneaky upper-class cunt who pretends to be a man of the people - this degree of the disease is almost exclusively found in the Conservative Party.

In early 2009 David Cameron proposed the classification of cannabis ( his daily fix par The Telegraph ) to be lowered from a B to a C. Thus when he is caught with his doobie he is able to scarper with merely a warning and a small fine opposed to Imprisonment whereby he would be unable to pleasure his dear Thatcher.

[edit] Personal Life

Cameron married Êlfrith "Penguin" McGee, the daughter of Sir Reginald "Penguin" Sheffield, 8th Baronet and Annabel Porpoise, on 1 June 1996 at Spearmint Rhino. Among the guests at the wedding were Che Guevera, a friend of the Sheffield family, and the embalmed corpse of Lenin. Due to the success of the panda porn ring run by the Sheffield family for the past 600 years, the marriage brought great additional wealth to DC. This has to be regarded as a good thing, as his fondness for buggering penguins, and the subsequent need to "pay off" numerous enraged zoo keepers, had depleated even his extraordinarily large private funds. What is known only to his closest friends and 'Penguin' is that one of his more alarming deceptions is his bodyweight. Photographs show a slender man - in fact, he weighs 48 stones, and wears a total body-stocking made from high tensile 4" elastic, which forces his body into the shape we known and loathe. Difficulties once arose while the profuse sweat caused by tension when making a speech to a group he referred to as 'you lovely humble coons' caused the elastic fibres at his neck to fray. 14 stones of blubber exploded around his ears and he had to be given an emergency trachaotomy with a butter knife by a deluded passer-by, who was subsequently lynched by the listening crowd. The share price of Urbium PLC, who have the contract to produce this body-stocking for Cameron, plummeted after news of this failing reached the press. The Daily Mail reported on 25th June 2006 that Cameron had "resorted to public demonstrations of confidence in his own product, squeezing, not only his own body, but also the bodies of two Elephant Seals and an Obese Kangaroo into the body-stocking with him." It is probably mere luck that the hand stitched seams, sewn by blind arthritic hamsters in deepest Peruvian jungle villages, held out against this onslaught of mammalian adipose tissue.

[edit] Business

David Cameron tries to win over the right of his party by taking part in an old Conservative pastime: puppy strangling

The silver spoon industry supports a small yet vibrant community in Northern Aristocrasia. Aristocrasia has a population of about 40,000 but has unlimited access to a market of nearly 60 million commoners. Its trade has been assured over the years by giving out free silver spoons, scratching other merchants' backs with said spoons, and doing other things with the spoons not fit for publication. Cameron thinks he can run somewhere called England, but is unlikely to get past the Scottish toff-beating industry's stake there. Cameron's confidence stems from his days as a "ship-jumper" in Hong Kong. This little known career path for the sons of landed gentry, mainly involves seeing how many of the natives one can jump over whilst carrying a bottle of Krug. Cameron excelled at this once being able to boast a place in the Guinness Book of Records for jumping 15 Nepalese, 476 Chinese and 19,456 Hutus in a single bound, all without spilling a single drop from the Magnum in his hand. It was at this point in his career that he also sucessfully saw off the attempts of the KGB to recruit him as a fluffer for the failing Soviet porn industry. When asked about this Cameron declined to make any comment except that "a couple of shady looking Ruskie types in monocles, made approaches; speaking accented English and asked the way to the Turkish Baths."

[edit] When will he go away?

Cameron will be returning to reality in the near future. He has already been targeted by the 'Please Go Away, David' campaign, a group comprised of those with a memory exceeding four nanoseconds, sane human beings, and, well... everyone with a soul. They are planning to replace him with another Conservative with a higher IQ. Once during a baked bean bath with Boris Johnson, he said that is he didn't get elected soon, he would nail cymbals to his knees, stick a flute up his arse, and become a street musician.

Part of the 'Please Go Away, David' campaign

[edit] Cameron's destiny

Cameron will most likely end up in a care home for retired politicians. He will eventually pass on his spoon business to another graduate from the Eton School of Middle-Class excess. Should he ever become Prime Minister, a distinct possibility considering that he is from a Scottish family, he will be knifed in the back and his blood used to resurrect Margaret Thatcher. The ritual shall begin at 04.15pm outside of Portcullis House. Deacons Michael Howard and Oswald Moseley shall be conducting the services, and there shall be refreshments available afterwards. If you would like to make a booking in advance then please send a letter to the Conservative Party Headquarters at Little Avon-Hampington (it's just outside of Reigate). Please attach a cheque for 15,000 guineas and make it payable to Dr. Spurzheim Esq., Second Marquis of Lady Barkstone and the Surrounding Areas. Please note that we do not accept applications from blacks, atheists, gays, Jews, Muslims, Marxists, scientists, sociologists, vegetarians, hippies, vegans, or your mother.

Cameron showing what he does best

[edit] Pathetic Blair Clone

Pathetically led by focus groups (consisting entirely of Daily Mail/Guardian readers), Cameron has worked furiously on his image. Cameron has even cited working class heroes 'The Smiths' as his favourite band (just because he heard 'This Carming Man' once, presumably whilst on a reconnaisance mission to a "normal high-street") in a desperate attempt to make him appeal to the poorer northern folk of the United Kingland nation. What Cameron fails to realise is that in also declaring his love for Witch Thatcher, his political heroine, he has massively shot himself in the arse, because no self-respecting Smiths fan would ever, EVER vote Tory or declare nothing but a bloody death for Thatcher (Morrissey even penned a song called 'Margaret on the Guillotine' just in case you think you're clever and I'm not!).

What has emerged is a middle-class, middle-brow non-entity, whose mind has never been sullied by a free thought. Like Blair, he attempts to give the electorate the impression of a grounded family man, who nevertheless might - in the right circumstances - take it up the shitter from both Norman Lamont and funny chubster of a smug GQ whore, shadow chancellor Osborne. However, unlike Blair, he has coupled this with a sickening level of media "savy" which has prompted him to make full use of You Tube and social networking sites. Here he has shown that he is indeed a "man of the people" as he can be seen pretending to wash dishes. It is notable that on the wall behind Cameron, in this particular scene, the shackles used to chain the Filipino slave, Esma, to the ceiling, are just visible; prompting the question "what is being done to Esma for the duration of the scene?"

[edit] New Cameron Policies

[edit] Basic Principles

FREEDOM IS SLAVERY - THOUGHTCRIME IS DEATH

Within days of winning the leadership, Cameron launched his New Conservative Pledge Card. This was an A3 card containing a list of 500 policy pledges which must be carried by all citizens. Pledges include:

[edit] Environment

• A new green initiative to reduce carbon by 155% over a seven minute period, by heavily taxing 'frivolous' respiration.
• Cameron believes Methane emissions are to do with excessive curry consumption of those in poverty, he intends to build a tent over East London to tackle this.
• The Creation of thousands of Marijuana fields for the consumption of future conservative parliamentarians,being high is necessary as is a degree in Oxbridge.

[edit] Cycling

• Davey C is a fond cyclist. He has cylcled approximately three times during his life and has been photographed during each of these cycling sessions. Davey has been known to say that he much prefers cycling to large gas guzzling cars, stating that "those bunch of automobiles are much more suited to the transportation of my shoes".
• He has also been caught on a tandem with Maggie Thatcher: Cameron at the front, looking pained; Thatcher at the back, straining slightly.

[edit] Forming a Government & Constitutional Reform

• Current Ministries to be combined and superceeded by Ministry of Truth, Ministry of Pleanty, Ministry of Peace and Ministry of Love.
• Only Independents to sit in the House of Lords, all subject to vetting by Conservative Central Office & credit check.
• No electoral or constitutional reform to be carried out that will endanger the tories remaining in power.
• Only men of the right sort shall be able to vote, as in 'the good olde days' that Cameron fetishises.

[edit] Constitutional Affairs

• The Monarchy is to be restored to full power, thus rendering electoral politics in the UK completely erroneous. On the off chance that the next monarch is a woman, african, homosexual, jew, Pole, Hungarian, Croat, Byzantine, genius, professor, political theorist or pleasant then the Conservative Party shall assume emergency powers and defend 'Britishness'.
• All newspapers are to be banned, apart from The Fascist Rag, The Torygraph, and The Diana Express which are all to be controlled by Conservative Head Office. Oldspeak to be removed from all official publications and replaced by Newspeak .
• Children are to be taken away from their parents at birth and sent to formal stupefaction centres where they shall be taught how to behave correctly.
• All people of power or influence must have been members of The Bullingdon Club, like David C and Boris Johnson.
• All members of the "lower orders" to immediately become the personal property of their nearest millionaire (unless this individual should come from the lower orders himself, be female, jewish, a poof or a Catholic. In this case ownership of the individual would pass to the Crown.)
• The Tory Party is to be renamed the National Socialist Party of the King's/Queen's Sceptered Isle, and it is to be the only party allowed to exist.
• Only sports to be played are Rugger and Cricket; no sports such as Football, which is for working-class scum.
• Forelock tugging to become mandatory for all those tied to the land.
• All those who own fewer than 15000 acres are to be immediatly place on a compulsary register of miscreants. This list will be used when choosing test subjects for medical/military and culinary experiments.

[edit] Education

• The outright abolition of state education.
• The city of Manchester to be razed to the ground and in its place a huge super academy to be built for children aged 2-25 to be educated, at a cost of £150,000 a year.
• Horse riding lessons to become mandatory for all school children aged 4 to 8. From the ages of 8 onwards, all girls will progress onto related activities.
• Fox hunting to be added to the National Curriculum. In the absence of any foxes locally, illegal immigrants, homeless people, gays, Muslims, Jews or women shall suffice.
• Sex education will be overhauled and children from in primary school will be taught daily practicals by members of the local Conservative party. Topics may include'Gangbanging - More fun than hugging a hoodie'.
• Abolish Economics, a subject of which he has absolutely no knowledge of.
• Abolish every type of school except independent boarding schools,only the rich deserve the best,if you're poor never mind school,you're born to serve!
• Wikipedia shall be made the National Encyclopedia.

[edit] Crime

• Cameron intends to decrease crime with tough love as part of his "hug a hoodie" campaign.
• Other campaigns include "tickle a rapist", "lick a paedo" and "wank off a mugger"
• "Good descrimination" - The system is sending you down Mr Ethnic minority for longer than would be usual cause it likes you!

[edit] Foreign Affairs

• Don't mention the war.
• Or that war.
• Being nasty to UKIP.
• Courting Zionism.
• Courting the US.
• Courting fascism.
• Courting nancy-boyism.
• Courting Nicolas Sarkozy (see alternative definition of 'courting')
• Wanting to be Barack Obama.
• Wanting Barack Obama.
• Calling Gordon Brown a fool.
• Must have a stiff upper lip.
• The regaing of The Empire - yes that includes you America.
• Ridding South East London of all niggers, pakis and white trash. Only Dulwich (the good bit), Blackheath and Chislehurst will remain. Bellingham will be fucked.
• A huge Welcome party for the K.K.K

[edit] Being Nasty (Home Affairs)

• Forced labour for those who do not have a knighthood or peerage.
• Legalising rape to free up space in prison for 'real' criminals.
• Mandatory jail sentences for any crimes highlighted by the tabloid press. With double sentences for articles printed on Sundays.
• A tougher stance on anything unpopular with Daily Mail readers, with a really nasty glare, and lots of rhetoric to follow.
• Make all major media publications illegal except for the Daily Mail.
• The Workhouse and Poor law to be reinstated. It to be the responsibility of the local Parish council to deal with the problem of the "Deserving Poor", with the "Undeserving Poor" boiled down to make glue and dog biscuits for the hounds of the Shropshire Hunt.
• Children over the age of three to be returned to the workforce. Suitable jobs include, digging coal, cleaning chimneys and or mucking out the state penguins.

[edit] Being Nice

• The establishment of a government scheme for "Guide Dogs for the Blind". This did result in accusations of chasing the BNP vote, but Cameron responded "it seemed a fair enough trade".
• Abolition of tax for all rich and famous Conservatives, lower tax rates for decent middle class people, and a standard 60% tax rate for "those dirty proles in their scummy council houses".
• Free air travel for pensioners, especially by catapult, which has the double advantage of given them a cheap thrill and saving years of actually have to pay their pension.
• Abolition of free NHS treatment, to be replaced with free at the point of entry, then payment once within the actual hospital.
• Free condoms for the over 75's.
• "U turns" to be called "new", "progressive" and "caring" policies".
• New Laws to require rich people to go around hugging the poor before administrating the lethal injection.
• Equal Opportunities Scheme in which the poorest 50% of people will be automatically entered on Short Lists to marry\have sex with members of the Royal Family and Aristocracy.
• All Conservative MP's and Councillors to go around and take out people's rubbish for them, do their dishes and double up for furniture.
• A "minus 35 hour week" to be introduced: everyone to unwork for 35 hours every week and yet get paid for 35 hours at Double Pay.
• Legalising of Cocaine, though not for plebs.
• Peerage for bankers,spivs,speculators,and for all Tory donors who donated their hedge fund benefits from the Great cash of 2008 to the party.A good example of sharing the proceeds of growth.
• Only people with Oxbridge degrees are to be involved with the government .
• The Unification of the Tory Party with The BNP.
• Pretending to emotional in times of crisis while actually making the middle-class pay more tax.
• Instead of thinking of policies in times of a crisis,he'll just sharpen his signature mudsling tactics to protect his "Know-it-all" image.

[edit] Hair

• A new hairstyle every six weeks, to be carefully chosen by a focus group who pour for hours over which side his hair is parted (THIS side of 1983, or the other, hmm?!). Of couse, you foolish common non-political people are too stupid to actually notice any difference. Cameron will just pat you on the head, it makes it all better.
• Cameron has had his hair styled by many people including David Bowie, Oscar Wilde and Freddie Mercury. Not that he's gay or anything because he's not, honest.

[edit] Europe

• David Cameron believes strongly that Europeans should stay in Europe and stop trying to come to the United Kingdom of the Middle Englander.
• Cameron has proposed on-the-spot fines for anyone found to be European while in England.
• The mighty Dave will hold a referendum on the EU and Britain's relationship with it. In said referendum the British people are to be offered three choices on how to solve their EU problem, namely to nuke it, crush it or smash it.
• David Cameron believes that the EU is actually made of AIDS and wants to eat the Queen.
• David Cameron proposes that the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Ireland, Canada and Australia be integrated into the United States. He refers to this entity as the Anglosphere, and would abolish all things European. By extension, this would mean a a ban on good food, beautiful women, high culture and interesting literary works, none of which interest him.

[edit] The Cameron Image AKA Davey C

• Shall try to look like he's 'from the street' and speak 'for the kidz'. Failing this, he will colonise the Intarblagz, setting up a permenant, and hopefully fashionable, residence on YouTube and MySpace, where his target audience of the future 'hang out'.
• David Cameron plans to change his Etonian image to that of 'one of the lads' and has been taking speech training lessons from David 'Knuckles' Davies. He has also started wind surfing to work, and plans to buy a pair of denim trousers within six months.
• He now smokes roll-ups and can be often seen having a fag break round the back entrance at parliament. Indeed, Cameron was having fags all the time at Eton, and even huffed a beak during rag week.
• William Hague has been giving him tips on beer drinking sessions. (Definitely not binge drinking - Yorkshiremen drink all the time, so it can't be called a binge now, can it?)
• Cameron has been holding discussions with his wife, and it is rumoured that after three children he will convert to homosexuality for six months to increase his share of the gay vote. He has been quoted as saying "most of my party want greater penetration and share of the gays. That's why we dont need any more women in the party."

[edit] See Also

• Peter Mandelson
• UnCameron, Dave's personal Uncyclopedia article
• Conservative
• Dickhead
• CONSERVITIVE
• Tony Blair
• Margaret Thatcher

[edit] External Links

- A video of David Cameron - David Cameron with his version of "Common People"