David Cameron

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

“Call me Dave”

~ David Cameron

“Fuck you David Cameron”

~ The British

David Cameron aka "Dave" or "Tarquin deFellatio Cameron" is the current chief chief git claiming to be in charge of the British and is the current leader of the Al Qaeda terrorist group, since the US marine in the picture shot Osama but the aforementioned marine is attempting to shot Cameron but is failing because of his shit gun skills. At a public ceremony costing millions he was given away at his wedding by Gordon Brown and married to the delightful Nicola Clegg. He is the son of Margaret Thatcher and John Major. He is the final conservative Prime Minister. He is known in Britain as 'The Prime Minister'. However he is known in France as 'le dickhead'.

Contents 1 Education 1.1 Heatherdown Preparatory School 1.2 Eton College (who'd never heard of him before he became an MP) 2 Oxford University 3 Relationship with Margaret Beckett 4 Carlton 5 Member of Parliament 5.1 Reason He Won 6 Drugs 7 Personal Life 8 When will he go away? 9 Cameron's destiny 10 New Cameron Policies 11 Basic Principles 11.1 FREEDOM IS SLAVERY 11.2 THOUGHTCRIME IS DEATH 11.3 Forming a Government & Constitutional Reform 11.4 Constitutional Affairs 11.5 Education 11.6 Crime 11.7 Foreign Affairs 11.8 Being Nasty (Home Affairs) 11.9 Being Nice 11.10 Hair 11.11 Europe 11.12 Defence 12 See also 13 References 14 External links

edit Education

edit Heatherdown Preparatory School

At the age of seven, Cameron attended the independent Heatherdown Preparatory School at Monkfield in Berkshire, which counted Prince Andrew and Prince Edward among its alumni. The school closed in the early 1980s in the wake of a drugs scandal in which it was alledged that Cameron and two close friends had used the school's pantry to store their Michaelmas Term's supply of grade A cocaine. They were also charged with theft as Ketamine for the school horses were found in Dave's teeth. He was subsequently expelled, having been found committing acts of gross indecency with the school's pet rabbit.

edit Eton College (who'd never heard of him before he became an MP)

Cameron received his secondary education at Eton where his soft skin and pudgy physique made him ideally suited as the captain of the soggy biscuit team. Cameron hit trouble in May 1983, six weeks before taking his O-levels when he was revealed to have smoked skunk with some local chavs. Because he admitted the offence and had not previously been caught with chavs, he was not expelled, but he was fined, prevented from leaving school grounds, and given a punishment which involved copying 500 lines of Chav Slang. But remember also that David Cameron is just like you or me, and it is perfectly normal to go to Eton and marry a woman who is a multi Millionaire and has royal blood. I'm not bitter.

edit Oxford University

Cameron went to ‘just a brandy for me, please’ College in Oxford University, an institute in which the majority of its professors are Ox’s, and teach while performing balancing acts on old, unstable bridges.

Cameron studied went on to obtain a c A in "Hunting and Keeping the Serfs in their place" from Brasenose College, Oxford. His tutor at Oxford, Professor Vernon St John-Bogdanor-Smythe, described him as "one of the ablest and nicest" students he has had the pleasure to bugger; whose political views were "moderate and sensibly conservative". When commenting on his former pupil's ideas about a bill of transportation for all those with an income of less than £500k per annum replacing the Human Rights Act, Professor Vermin-St John-Bogdanor-Smythe said "I think he is very confused. I've read his speech and it's filled with contradictions keeping all with this level of income would, by necessity involve the retention of any number of Jews, Poofs and Wogs, whilst rejecting right minded forlock tugging peasants and even some pheasants. There are one or two good things in it but one glimpses them, as it were, through a mist of misunderstanding" Professor St John-Bogdanor-Smythe was later found on the floor of his wardrobe, trussed up like a thanksgiving turkey and with every orriface cramned full of Apricot stuffing. Following the coroner's finding of death by natural causes, the Professor was inturred with full military honours in the bowls of HMS Invincible.

edit Relationship with Margaret Beckett

In the late 80s, David Cameron enjoyed a relationship with former British Prime Minister, Margaret "May-Whip" Thatcher. The relationship was dominated by Thatcher, with Cameron describing her as "a dominatrix, who had the tightest, tighest grip over me." Although the affair was not well known at the time, both have spoken candidly about the affair since - most notably in Thatcher's sexual autobiography: "Right-Wing: Alternative Entry to the Iron-Lady". Thatcher reveals that Cameron has a penchant for "velvet condoms, caviare lubricant and sex in top hats." Cameron, although initially accepting these claims has since changed his mind twelve times and claims: "I use latex, just like my good friend ... um ... Mozzy." - his view, however, seems to depend on whom he is speaking to. Margaret also claimed that for David to agree to have sex with her she would have to dress up as Eva Braun.

The relationship ended after David Cameron was outed as an "individualist, who believes in small government, but also that we have a collective responsibility to help everyone - and the only way to do this is through government intervention. The rich should get richer, while the poor do better - but not so well, that they start to have a feeling of self worth." She also objected on the grounds that she is (a) his mother; (b) technically dead and (c) she didn't like his habit of stealing the limelight with his jokes during dinner parties.

Following the somewhat violent collapse of this relationship, David sought comfort from his dear friend and Eton bedfellow Boris Johnson, this relationship had to be hidden from other friends but was sucessfully passed off as a mere accident of their both belonging to the infamous Bullingdon Club. This "club" was outwardly merely a gaggle of "upwardly mobile" young toffs getting sozzled and fondling some waitresses and/or schoolboys, however the darker side of the club involved midnight break-ins at local zoos and wildlife parks and the subsequent molestation of flightless birds. It was at this point that Cameron's proclavities and taste for the love of a good penguin became apparent.

edit Carlton

In July 1993, Cameron left his role as Special Teabagger to work as the Director of Corporate Affairs at Carlton Communications. Carlton, which had won the ITV franchise for London weekdays in 1991, were a growing media company which also had film distribution and large video producing arms specialising in the more exotic and obscure sexual fantasies of the upper orders. In 1997 Cameron played up the company's prospects for digital terrestrial television, for which it joined with Granada television and BSkyB to form British Digital Broadcasting. This enabled the new conglomerate to broadcast specialist Penguin orientated pornography, and films featuring the pheasant plucker's son. The company chairman described him as "board material". Others who had to work with him were less complimentary though. Senior Daily Telegraph journalist Jeff Randall said he would not trust Mr Cameron "as far as the little sod could squeeze out a slash of penguin gism" and that he "never gave a straight answer when dissemblance was a plausible alternative", while Sun business editor Ian King described him as a "slippery small-cocked penguin fucker".

Carlton's consortium did win the digital terrestrial franchise but the resulting company suffered difficulties in attracting subscribers possibly due to the low audience numbers for their specialist programming. In 1999 the Express on Sunday newspaper claimed Cameron had rubbished one of its stories which had given the accurate number of subscribers at four. Cameron resigned as Director of Corporate Affairs in February 2001 in order to fight for election to Parliament, although he remained on the payroll as a penguin enbalmer.

In 2007 he became majority shareholder, Chairman and CEO of CrapAda EyeTeevee plc (which took over Carlton) which runs most of the ITV.

edit Member of Parliament

Upon his election to Parliament, he served as a member of the Commons Home Affairs Select Committee, a plum choice for a new MP. It was Cameron's proposal that the Committee launch an inquiry into the law on drugs, and during the inquiry he urged the consideration of "radical options".[80] The report recommended a downgrading of Ecstasy from Class A to Class B, as well as moves towards a policy of 'harm reduction', which Cameron defended. Critics have suggested that this was possibly a front to hide that large scale importation of woodlice ears and sperm whale nostrils both of which are highly prized on the illegal drugs market.

Carlton determinedly attempted to increase his public prophets, offering quotes on matters of public controversy. He opposed the payment of compensation to Marylin Manson for loss of earnings after his career as a Baptist Minister was cut short by a drastic and accidental plastic surgery. However, he was passed over for a front bench promotion in July 2002; Conservative leaders Iain and Duncan Smith did invite Cameron and his lover George Osborne to coach him on Prime Minister's Questions in November 2002. The next week, Cameron deliberately abstained in a vote on allowing same sex couples,unmarried couples and bi-curious griffins to adopt children, against a whip to oppose; his abstention was noted. As was the licking he received from the whip.

In June 2003, Cameron was appointed as a shadowy minister in the Privy Council and later became shadow Evisceration secretary in the post-election reshuffle.

edit Reason He Won

See below. That's all there is to it, nobody wants to know they were responsible for the death of a kitten.

edit Drugs

David Cameron still refuses to answer "yes" or "no" to allegations that he was a crackhead at university. His friend and Conservative Party Sexual Spokescreature, Gordon Broon has on several occasions stated on Cameron's behalf that it was "all a long time ago, and nobody can remember a thing, except that David was a great guy with the smallest pennies we have ever seen. Which he insisted on showing us all".

Cameron arose in February 2008 when a farmer in Cornwall noticed David Cameron with his foot trapped in a sheep's anus. The farmer reported that he had a nosebleed and was wearing nothing but a leotard and kneepads. All concerns were dismissed however when the sheep turned out to actually be Margaret Thatcher.

Despite his plans for change and modernisation, Cameron suffers from the politician's disease and therefore must be treated as a lying, two-faced scab. Effects of this illness are always heightened by being a sneaky upper-class cunt who pretends to be a man of the people - this degree of the disease is almost exclusively found in the Conservative Party.

In early 2009 David James proposed the classification of cannabis ( his daily fix par The Telegraph ) to be lowered from a D to a C. Thus when he is caught with his doobie he is able to scarper with merely a warning and a small fine opposed to Imprisonment whereby he would be unable to pleasure his dear Thatcher.

edit Personal Life

Cameron married Êlfrith "Queen of the gypsies" McGee, the daughter of Sir Reginald "Penguin" Sheffield, 8th Baronet and Annabel Porpoise, on 1 June 1996 at Spearmint Rhino. Among the guests at the wedding were Che Guevera, a friend of the Sheffield family, the embalmed corpse of Lenin and Pat Lampard - all three of them all now deceased, especially Pat - who died due to a delayed reaction to eating part of Douglas Hogg's BSE covered burger. Due to the success of the panda porn ring run by the Sheffield family for the past 600 years, the marriage brought great additional wealth to DC. This has to be regarded as a good thing, as his fondness for buggering penguins, and the subsequent need to "pay off" numerous enraged zoo keepers, had depleted even his extraordinarily large private funds.

David Jason, much to his wife's disgust, as facebook would say, is 'in a relationship with Nick Clegg due to the terms of the co-olition government. Due to this David Cameron has banned Nick from wearing trousers in public.

edit When will he go away?

Unfortunately, he has arranged with his cohorts that this will not be until 2015. First by initiating a fixed term parliament and then by dictating that motions of no confidence in the commons must be passed by a 55% 60% majority.

He has already been targeted by the 'Please Go Away, David' campaign, a group comprised of those with a memory exceeding four nanoseconds, sane human beings, and, well... everyone with a soul. They are planning to replace him with None Of The Above with a higher IQ.

edit Cameron's destiny

Cameron will most likely end up in a care home for retired politicians. He will eventually pass on his spoon business to another graduate from the Eton School of Middle-Class excess. Should he ever become Prime Minister, a distinct possibility considering that he is from a Scottish family, he will be knifed in the back and his blood used to resurrect Margaret MOran. The ritual shall begin at 04.15pm outside of Portcullis House. Deacons Michael Howard and Oswald Moseley shall be conducting the services, and there shall be refreshments available afterwards. If you would like to make a booking in advance then please send a letter to the Conservative Party Headquarters at Little Avon-Hampington (it's just outside of Reigate). Please attach a cheque for 15,000 guinea pigs and make it payable to Dr. Spurzheim Esq., Second Marquis of Lady Barkstone and the Surrounding Areas. Please note that we do not accept applications from blacks, atheists, gays, Jews, Muslims, Marxists, scientists, sociologists, vegetarians, hippies, vegans, or your mother. Actually, no, wait. We don't mind if you're a Jew, but just be quiet and respectful about it. It's okay if you're a Muslim, especially if you are Baroness Warsi (bit of brown totty, always plays down well with closet Guardian readers) but be a non-practising one. Be gay, but please get a Civil Partnership and none of that Hampstead Heath nonsense, I mean you Ted Heath. And for Christ's sake, at least speak nicely, the way people from Kent do, we want northerners to vote for you, but we don't want southerners to think people from the north are actually allowed in Parliament. Oh, and if you're black, try not to be so 'ethnic' about it.

edit New Cameron Policies

Shhhhhh! This is a humour free zone.

^[1]

edit Basic Principles

edit FREEDOM IS SLAVERY

edit THOUGHTCRIME IS DEATH

Within days of winning the leadership, David Steel launched his New Church of Thatcher - may she be so glorious Pledge Card. This was an A2 card containing a list of 500 policy pledges which must be carried by all citizens.
Pledges include:

edit Forming a Government & Constitutional Reform

• Current Ministries to be combined and superceeded by Ministry of Truth, Ministry of Plenty, Ministry of Peace and Ministry of Luv.
• Only Independents to sit in the House of Lords, all subject to vetting by Conservative Central Office & credit check.
• No electoral or constitutional reform to be carried out that will endanger the tories remaining in power.
• Only men of the right sort shall be able to vote, as in 'the good olde days' that Cameron fetishises.

The lead policy of any government led by call me Dave, shall be the provision of free gas for the elderly and scroungers on benefits. As it happens, Dave has cut a deal with the Germans to source as much zyclonB as we need. Dispersal of the gas will be by hoses attached to job centres and old people homes. Crematoria will then be constructed so as to provide much needed sustainable heat for the wealthier citizens. Thus it's a win-win situation all round

edit Constitutional Affairs

• The Monarchy is to be restored to full power, thus rendering electoral politics in the UK completely erroneous. On the off chance that the next monarch is a woman, african, homosexual, jew, Pole, Hungarian, Croat, Byzantine, genius, professor, political theorist or pleasant then the Conservative Party shall assume emergency powers and defend 'Britishness'.
• All newspapers are to be banned, apart from The Fascist Rag, The Torygraph, and The Diana Express which are all to be controlled by Conservative Head Office. Oldspeak to be removed from all official publications and replaced by Newspeak .
• Children are to be taken away from their parents at birth and sent to formal stupefaction centres where they shall be taught how to behave correctly.
• All people of power or influence must have been members of The Bullingdon Club, like David C and Boris Johnson who wanted to have a relationship with Mahmiri Acar and have her babies (They are still fighting for her hand in marriage).
• All members of the "lower orders" to immediately become the personal property of their nearest millionaire (unless this individual should come from the lower orders himself, be female, jewish, a poof or a Catholic. In this case ownership of the individual would pass to the Crown.)
• The Tory Party is to be renamed the National Socialist Party of the King's/Queen's Sceptered Isle, and it is to be the only party allowed to exist.
• Only sports to be played are Rugger and Cricket; no sports such as Football, or other working mans sports.
• Forelock tugging to become mandatory for all those tied to the land.
• All those who own fewer than 15000 acres are to be immediately place on a compulsory register of miscreants. This list will be used when choosing test subjects for medical/military and culinary experiments.

edit Education

• The outright abolition of state education.
• Getting rid of that EMA bullshit... fucking plebs...
• The city of Manchester to be razed to the ground and in its place a huge super academy to be built for children aged 2-25 to be educated, at a cost of £150,000 a year.
• Horse riding lessons to become mandatory for all school children aged 4 to 8. From the ages of 8 onwards, all girls will progress onto related activities.
• Fox hunting to be added to the National Curriculum. In the absence of any foxes locally, illegal immigrants, homeless people, gays, Muslims, Jews or women shall suffice.
• Sex education will be overhauled and children from in primary school will be taught daily practicals by members of the local Conservative party. Topics may include'Gangbanging - More fun than hugging a hoodie'.
• Abolish Economics, a subject of which he has absolutely no knowledge of.
• Abolish every type of school except independent boarding schools, only the rich deserve the best, if you're poor never mind school, you're born to serve!
• Wikipedia shall be made the National Encyclopedia.
• Schoolchildren to be enrolled in the Peterloo Reenactment Society as part of Key State 3 with video footage to be distributed through youtube which will replace ITV by 2012.

edit Crime

• Cameron intends to decrease crime with tough love as part of his "hug a hoodie" campaign.
• Other campaigns include "reward a rapist", "pint with a paedo" and "mount a mugger"
• "Positive discrimination" - The system is sending you down Mr Ethnic minority for longer than would be usual cause it likes you!
• Crime statistics to go down year on year in crucial constituencies.
• More people in prison year on year at no additional expense to the taxpayer, thanks to the magic 'prison ships' (or 'cliffs').
• Every person earning at least over £450,000 per annum, to be entitled to shoot at people roaming his or her land but only during Common people season
• The eradication of all poor people, therefore eradicating crime itself.

Above all anybody employed in the city of London as a banker will be immune from prosecution no-matter how many times they have dug up and sold there grannies.

edit Foreign Affairs

• Forcing
• Don't mention the war.
• Or that war.
• Forcing all countries which (a) wouldn't have existed, or (b) wouldn't have been democracies, without British involvement sometime in the past to support us in all national matters, and to automatically give Britain 12 points in Eurovision. In the former category, this includes all countries in former Yugoslavia, and Germany. Virtually every country in western Europe is in the latter category.
• Being nasty to UKIP.
• Courting Zionism.
• Courting the US.
• Courting fascism.
• Courting nancy-boyism.
• Courting Nicolas Sarkozy (see alternative definition of 'courting')
• Wanting to be Barack Obama.
• Wanting Barack Obama.
• Calling Gordon Brown a fool.
• Must have a stiff upper lip.
• The regaining of The Empire - yes that includes you America.
• Ridding South East London of all niggers, pakis and white trash. Only Dulwich (the good bit), Blackheath and Chislehurst will remain. Bellingham will be fucked.
• Pakistan and Pakistanis to hererby be referred to as 'bastards' because they don't buy enough weapons from us.
• A huge Welcome party for the K.K.K

edit Being Nasty (Home Affairs)

• Forced labour for those who do not have a knighthood or peerage.
• Legalising rape to free up space in prison for 'real' criminals.
• Mandatory jail sentences for any crimes highlighted by the tabloid press. With double sentences for articles printed on Sundays.
• A tougher stance on anything unpopular with Daily Mail readers, with a really nasty glare, and lots of rhetoric to follow.
• Make all major media publications illegal except for the Daily Mail.
• The Workhouse and Poor law to be reinstated. It to be the responsibility of the local Parish council to deal with the problem of the "Deserving Poor", with the "Undeserving Poor" boiled down to make glue and dog biscuits for the hounds of the Shropshire Hunt.
• Children over the age of three to be returned to the workforce. Suitable jobs include, digging coal, cleaning chimneys and or mucking out the state penguins.
• The Police Forces across the UK must save £2 bn p.a. This means that all ethnic diversity officers will be sacked. The Police will later discover that no more sackings will be necessary.

edit Being Nice

• The establishment of a government scheme for "Guide Dogs for the Blind". This did result in accusations of chasing the BNP vote, but Cameron responded "it seemed a fair enough trade".
• Abolition of tax for the rich.
• Free air travel for pensioners, especially by catapult, which has the double advantage of given them a cheap thrill and saving years of actually have to pay their pension.
• Abolition of free NHS. If you can't afford the treatment you don't deserve to be well, you bloody serf!!
• Free condoms for the over 75's.
• "U turns" to be called "new", "progressive" and "caring" policies".
• New Laws to require rich people to go around hugging the poor before administrating the lethal injection.
• Equal Opportunities Scheme in which the poorest 50% of people will be automatically entered on Short Lists to marry\have sex with members of the Royal Family and Aristocracy.
• All Conservative MP's and Councillors to go around and take out people's rubbish for them, do their dishes and double up for furniture.
• A "minus 35 hour week" to be introduced: everyone to unwork for 35 hours every week and yet get paid for 35 hours at Double Pay.
• Legalising of Cocaine, though not for plebs.
• Peerage for bankers,spivs,speculators,and for all Tory donors who donated their hedge fund benefits from the Great cash of 2008 to the party.A good example of sharing the proceeds of growth.
• Only people with Oxbridge degrees are to be involved with the government .
• The Reunification of the Tory Party with The BNP.
• Pretending to emotional in times of crisis while actually slowly crippling the economy by bankrupting the middle-class.

edit Hair

• A new hairstyle every six weeks, to be carefully chosen by a focus group who pore for hours over which side his hair is parted (THIS side of 1983, or the other, hmm?!). Of course, you foolish common non-political people are too stupid to actually notice any difference. Cameron will just pat you on the head and give you a lolly, it makes it all better..

edit Europe

• Oh fucking hell, not this.
• David Cameron believes strongly that Europeans should stay in Europe and stop trying to come to the United Kingdom of the Middle Englander.
• Cameron has proposed on-the-spot fines for anyone found to be European while in England.
• The mighty Dave will hold a referendum on the EU and Britain's relationship with it. In said referendum the British people are to be offered three choices on how to solve their EU problem, namely to nuke it, crush it or smash it.
• David Cameron believes that the EU is actually made of AIDS and wants to eat the Queen.
• David Cameron proposes that the United Kingdom of Great Britain, Ireland, Canada and Australia be integrated into the United States. He refers to this entity as the Anglosphere, and would abolish all things European. By extension, this would mean a a ban on good food, beautiful women, high culture and interesting literary works, none of which interest him.

edit Defence

• Let the Americans do it.

edit See also

• UnCameron, Dave's personal Uncyclopedia article
• Peter Mandelson
• Conservative Party
• Tony Blair
• Margaret Thatcher
• George Osborne

edit References

1. ↑ You Should All Fuck Yourselves

edit External links

• - A video of David Cameron
• - David Cameron with his version of "Common People"
• - David Cameron is a Lizard

These Are The Daves I Know I Know, These Are The Daves I Know

Some of them are Davids, but most of them are Daves

David Attenborough - Dave Barry - David Beckham - David Blaine - David Bowie - David Byrne - David Cameron - Dave Chappelle - David Copperfield - Dave Coulier - David Duchovny - David Duke - Dave Gahan - Dave Gilmour - Dave Grohl - David Hasselhoff - David Hume - David Icke - David Letterman - Dave Lister - David Lloyd George - Dave Lombardo - David Lynch - Dave Meltzer - Dave Murray - Dave Mustaine - Diamond Dave - David Tennant - Dave Thomas - Camp David

They All Have Their Own Hands, But They Come From Different Moms

Prime Ministers of the United Kingdom
United Kingdom	Pitt the Younger · Wellington · Disraeli · Gladstone · Salisbury · Lloyd George · Chamberlain · Churchill · Attlee · Heath · Thatcher · Major · Blair · Brown · Cameron