Dave Whelan

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Whelan enjoying another fruitful days "work".

David Whelan (born Oop Norf in Yorkshire on 24 November, bloody ages ago), is a former professional footballer with Blackburn Rovers, a gobshite, and the current owner of Wigan "not so" Athletic football club. Additionally, he owns the JJB dosswear chain (football shirt prices non-negotiable) and the Pooles Pies Stadium where Wigan play. He is regarded as Wigan's only Expert of British Footballing Law, well in his own eyes at least.

Whelan was a member of Blackburn Rovers' 1960 FA cup final team, which were humiliated 0-3 by Wolverhampton Wanderers. Whelan himself did not complete the match, breaking a leg during the first half. Whelan's injury is one of a catalogue of serious injuries suffered by players in the 1950-60 era and was known as the Wembley hoodoo. In his own autobiography he stated that he deliberately tried to injure a player during the match: "After about 20 minutes, I got him a tackle and I really hurt him (the opposing player). He was getting away from me, so I just clogged him, perhaps a little unfairly... “He’s finished for the rest of the game, he won’t bother me now,” I thought.".

Despite this admission, he has never since stopped whining that he himself got injured later in the game in, by his own admission, "a 50/50 ball", and has been legendary in his mouthing off about bad tackling, never failing to remind how he had to retire due to a tackle, despite having intended to injure his opponent.

After retiring as a footballer on a good pay-off, Whelan sought to attain some qualifications to compete on the saturated job market with. He trained at Wigan Polytechnic for 5 years to attain his degree in bias, to which he is stated to be very proud of. It was while studying there that Whelan met his future partner Mark "the cunt" Lawrenson who was also a washed up footballer at the time and was studying for his qualification in inaccurate predictions.

edit Wigan Pathetic

He bought Wigan Pathetic in 1995 when they were an unfashionable Division Three side with the revolutionary intention of making them an unfashionable higher division side, probably having been the sole reader of Jimmy Hill's auotbiography. This rise began with the Division Three title in 1997, Division Two title in 2003 and promotion to the Premiership as Championship runners-up in 2005. He has appointed six managers during his time at Wigan: John Deehan (1995-98), Jeremy Bentham (1998-2000), Bruce Forsyth (2000-01), Steve Irwin (March-May 2001), Paul Jewell (2001-2007), Chris Hutchings (About a fortnight) and Crying Old Geordie Woman (2008-2011), yet incredibly, not Neil Warnock who shares many of Whelan's hobbies such as bemoaning other teams trying to beat his team, managing not to see his players commit any foul and a fervent commitment to getting his face on television.

Thanks to Whelan's resources and commitment to racking up the levels of debt at the club, Wigan, who were tipped to be relegated from the Premier League in their first season, managed to stay up, and claimed a high league position, They also got to their first Cup final in 2006 when they reached the League Cup Final where they were pummeled by a Stretford reserve XI.

in the 2006-2007 season, Wigan Pathetic were exposed for the Championship team they really are after losing 3-0 to West 'Am. In an attempt to shift the blame from his own team, Whelan appeared in numerous interviews threatening legal action against West 'Am United because they beat them. In other statements he went on to references to having complete faith in Paul Jewell as Wigan manager and more, stating "if he can command a team anything like he can command my whip, he's the right man for the job". The next day Jewell was sacked. Upon questioning on his motives for this, Whelan claimed he had never liked the "miserable fat cunt".

While sunning himself in Spain, Whelan met a charming Spanish bellboy who claimed to have once visited Wigan and, allegedly drunk on San Miguel, Whelan offered him the managerial post. Surprisingly this appointment gained Wigan some grudging status as "a footballing team", flying in the face of their traditional Northern shitkicking style. To date Whelan's heart has surprisingly survived every last-day dramatic escape from relegation that Senor Martinez has put him through.

In the annual courting season each summer, Whelan undertakes a daily interview on Sky Sports News attempting to sell Senor Martinez off to the highest bidder while simultaneously saying he would hate to lose him, a ritual that is soundtracked by the guffaws of all but Transfer King Pimp Jim White.

edit Trivia

Whelan's business JJB was originally known as BJ but upon learning what the acronym actually meant, rebranded immediately in order to save face. Due to licensing issues the stadium kept the original name. Many people still regard the business as BJ, however, and rivals Mike Ashley Shit Sports Inc as purveyor of rubbish chavvie apparel for man, woman and bastard offspring. Dave Whelan has since modestly changed its name to DW Sports, perhaps perceiving that his name increases the "coolness" of the product when worn around the streets surrounding job centres.

JJB supplied several evening dresses worn by Margaret Thatcher at numerous international summits, which were sown together from now unneeded miners' overalls. Whelan therefore stood alone in the world of football/the sane in demanding that Thatcher receive a minute's silence/heckling before all Barclays Premier Best League In The World Sky Sports League games.

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