Dave Matthews Band

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“Whether it be their 9th live album or their 22nd live album, you can pour beer on them all”

~ Oscar Wilde on DMB's discography

“Almost drunkenly I did imbibe of this fantasy of you only”

~ Jake Vigliotti on DMB's best lyrics

The Dave Matthews Band (DMB) belongs to the “I Wear Abercrombie” subgenre of alternative rock music. The band was formed in 1991 by bartender and college drop-out Dave Matthews, who was clever enough to foresee that the band’s fan base would be too lazy to say a proper band name, and simply refer to catching the “Dave” show last week.

Contents 1 Who is in the Band 2 Who is Not in the Band 3 Discography 3.1 Studio Albums 3.2 Live Releases 4 History 4.1 1991-1993 LE (Lillywhite Era) 4.2 1994-1996 LE (Lillywhite Era) 4.3 1997-2000 LE (Lillywhite Era) 4.4 2001-2004 AL (After Lillywhite) 4.5 2005-2007 AL (After Lillywhite) 4.6 2008-2009 WC (With Cavallo) 4.6.1 The Cincinnati "Halloween Poop Fiasco" of 2008 5 The DMB Fanbase 5.1 The Casual Fans 5.2 The Hardcore Fans 5.2.1 Stan the Man 6 Live Dave Matthews Band 6.1 The Tailgate 6.2 The Show 7 Death of the band

[edit] Who is in the Band

• Carter Beauford – (Drums, Cymbals, Chimes, Cowbell, mp3 player, Surprisingly High Feminine Vocals) Carter is a 4-armed ninja that once won a fight with Chuck Norris (Then the drummer of DMB), securing his place on the drum kit. During concerts, Carter chews bubble gum and sweats methamphetamine. When asked to comment on the success of the band he told us, “Bubbalicious UpsideChaHead!!!”. Off stage, Beauford is often mistaken for a 3-legged munchkin. When confronted with this fact, he'll kick your ass... keeping perfect rhythm the entire time.

• Stefan Lessard – (Bass, Skater Gear) Stefan was a bass prodigy who joined the band when he was only 15 years old, because - like most 15-year-olds - he wanted to bang. Joining DMB also allowed him to stay up past ten o’clock and drink alcohol as a minor. He spends most of his time snowboarding, playing on Facebook and [Twitter]], and also having sex with minors.

• Dave Matthews - (Guitar, Vocals, Funky Dance Moves) Dave's parents were Quaker Oats sales reps in South Africa when Dave was just a child. When Dave was still a little tot, his sister Jane put him into a basket she had made and floated it down the Nile River just as the rest of the family was getting eaten by a herd of rabid giraffes. Young Dave was soon found and picked up by Nelson Mandella's slave girl Lafawnduh. Soon after Uncle Nelson got sent to the slammer, Dave moved to America along with his stepbrother Nelson Jr. (“Nelly”), both with hopes of becoming rich musicians and having sex with people who don’t have AIDS. Dave has become the founder of the musical genre known as Frathouse Rock or "Pretend Rock" due to the fact that he has the ability to eminate music from his guitar but it does not rock. Dave has made many TV and movie cameos always portraying a retard or a homo.

• Boyd Tinsley – (Violin, Dreads, Bare Hairless Well Oiled Chest) Boyd Tinsley is the father of tennis greats Venus and Serena Williams. He joined the band after failing to defeat Arnold Schwarzenegger in the body building championship that determined the California gubernatorial election. It is widely known among fans that Boyd was born with three legs, one of which he hides beneath a jungle of giant pubic dreadlocks. In his spare time, he wrestles on WWE as "Booker T."

[edit] Who is Not in the Band

• LeRoi Moore – (25 different Saxophones, Clarinet, Flute, Whistling Hookah, Rockin Sunglasses) LeRoi was the blind woodwindist who had a successful career appearing on the Simpsons as Bleeding Gums Murphy before joining DMB. He wore sunglasses during concerts to prevent the audience from seeing his lack of eyes (which he tragically lost in a dramatic re-enactment of King Lear). Recently LeRoi had appeared in a commercial for the Honda Ridgeline and was paid an ungodly amount of blow. Roi is currently suffering from a severe case of death, but is expected to recover by 2012. In the meantime, he has joined a jazz quartet with Wes Montgomery, Charles Mingus, and Elvin Jones.

• Peter Griesar – Ex-band member with severe scoliosis and facial deformities that lives in a belltower on the campus of Notre Dame University. His last appearance with the band came in 2006 when he appeared onstage wearing nothing but a trenchcoat. He did not play any music with the band, but only showed up to get a drumstick from Carter and alter the band’s setlist. His life story has been documented in the movie “Rudy”.

• Butch Taylor – Butch was a Gay robot connected to a keyboard that Stefan accidentally ordered off of eBay. He never got paid, but followed the band on tour hoping for a chance to appear on camera. Butch isn't in the band anymore, as in accordance to the band's bylaws drew the short straw and was eaten by Rashawn Ross after the band's failure to produce a live album in a 2 month span. Some say that on a dark, moonless night, you can still hear Butch scats, and extended, sleep inducing keyboard solos echoing from Rashawn's belly. Rashawn's belly is not pleased.

• The Lovely Ladies - Three seemingly nameless African singers found at a Popeye's Chicken between tour stops. Despite the fact that they did not speak English, only weird vocalizations, they were allowed to tour with the band for 5 years much to the confusion of the fans, who did know if they were supposed to want to fuck them or not.

• Rashawn Ross – American Idol Season 2 winner that follows the band across the country for free. According to the band's bylaws, if they go more than 2 months without releasing a live CD, he gets to eat a band member (most recently Butch Taylor.) Rashawn recently failed to replace Jared as the spokesman for Subway, and succeeded in eating Jared in the process.

• Tim Reynolds – Timmy is a 3'7" mute alien, best known for his groundbreaking use of guitar to disrupt monarch butterfly mating rituals. Tim Reynolds has just recently started touring with DMB after taking ten years off to do every imaginable drug available. He died of an overdose 4 years ago but still tours with DMB because nobody ever got around to telling him. Tim's drug addled brain cannot retain memories of events occurring more than seven seconds previous, and hence never plays the same thing twice. He also holds the world record for re-stringing his guitar using only his feet; during a live recording with Dave Matthews in April 2008 Tim almost broke this record without removing his shoes. Before the 2008 summer tour, Tim and Boyd got into a fight about who'll get more solos on the upcoming tour, thus the movie Alien vs. Predator 3 was produced.

• Jeff Coffin - Jeff is a member of a different band called the Flecktones, who act as banjo god Bela Fleck's backing band when they perform shows in front of essentially the same fans as DMB. Jeff came in to play sax after LeRoi decided DMB was not, in fact, almost as good as a jazz gig. At its current rate of growth, Jeff's beard is slated to overtake Boyd's pubes in length by 2012. He is known for playing notes that are so high-pitched and squeaky, a flock of geese stampeded the stage during one of his solos, thinking it was a mating call.

[edit] Discography

[edit] Studio Albums

• Under The Table From Drinking (1994)
• Too (1996)
• Before We Fuck Things Up (1998)
• #36 (2001)
• We're Sorry (2002)
• Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! (For It) (2005)
• Your Band Is Back (2009)

[edit] Live Releases

To date DMB has released 1,793 live albums, of which 81% contain "Warehouse" and/or "All Along The Watchtower." Most are of excellent quality, however "The Central Park Concert" was recently ruined when a hideous clicking noise was discovered. Since April 2009, there have been seven "CP burnings" held across the country, and the ACLU has officially classified forcing prisoners to listen to the album as a violation of the Geneva Conventions.

[edit] History

[edit] 1991-1993 LE (Lillywhite Era)

It all began while Dave was tending bar in Charlottesville, watching an alien from outer space named Tim Reynolds play with his band TR3. Realizing that he too wanted to drop out of school and join a band, Dave went on a pilgrimage to find Carter, who at the time was performing various miracles such as healing the sick and raising the dead. In his spare time, Carter also played drums. After sending out a host of archangels to all the corners of C-Ville, Dave and Carter discovered Stefan, LeRoi, Boyd, and Peter Griesar – who’s combination of bad keyboard and harmonica playing would later go on to inspire the 2000-era Bob Dylan.

The band immediately began a massive touring schedule, rotating back and forth between Trax and the Floodzone, as well as a multitude of unpaid gigs in the homes of friends and family. They also started writing new songs. Perhaps the most notable of this era is “All Along The Watchtower,” which became so popular that Jimi Hendrix traveled back in time to claim credit for it. Unfortunately, Bob Dylan discovered the plan and went even further back in time to steal what is considered by many to be DMB’s greatest song. Also in rotation was the song “Angel from Montgomery,” which Dave covered a couple of times but I can’t remember who originally played it.

Even in the early days, DMB allowed tapers to record their shows. These were mostly Phish fans who got so high that they got lost on the way to their concerts. DMB soon realized that they were missing out on significant revenue by letting other people record and sell their concerts, so they decided to release a live album of their own. Peter Griesar, whose religion forbade him to be in band that releases albums, was forced to quit. Despite the terrible loss of the 80’s-sounding keyboard and harmonica, DMB would go on to release a mostly live album called “Remember To Think.” The album sold thirty-four copies, mostly due to the nifty 3-D cover art.

[edit] 1994-1996 LE (Lillywhite Era)

Recent excavations in the Holy Land have uncovered what appear to be repressed scriptures never included in modern biblical translations. In these chapters, it was foretold that the Messiah would be visited by a mortal man to help spread the Truth throughout the world, or at least within the continental United States. This prophecy was fulfilled in 1994, when DMB was discovered by Steve Lillywhite – co-owner of the Outback Steakhouse franchise and also producer of a little known British band called You Too?

At first Lillywhite was skeptical of this band from C-Ville, but he was finally won over after attending the infamous 10.19.93 show, where the band played an extended "Jimi Thing" for the full two-hour show. Afterward Lillywhite decided to become DMB's producer. The band soon went into the studio with Lillywhite and shortly completed their first album, Under The Table From Drinking.

To promote their first album, DMB began touring throughout the United States. Notable performances include the 5.10.95 show where the band played the "Super Mario" theme song acoustic at Yoshi's in San Fransisco. Their increasing fame soon led to a world tour that included top venues in Senegal, Vietnam, Antarctica, and Iraq.

Encouraged by their success, DMB returned to the studio in late 1995 to record their second album, "Too." The 1996 summer tour continued to see the band's popularity grow, and the band began to start living a more luxurious lifestyle. Boyd began designing a line of customized tennis rackets made from his own pubes. Stefan was perhaps thrilled the most, as he was finally old enough not to be charged with underage drinking at the band's shows. LeRoi, meanwhile, was contracted by Ray-Ban to design his own custom line of sunglasses.

[edit] 1997-2000 LE (Lillywhite Era)

Also known as the Golden Age, this period of four years was quite possibly the best time to be an American. Bill Clinton had single-handedly saved the American economy, the X-Files was at the top of its game, and virtually no one had heard of John Mayer. Scientists have now determined that all of these things can be traced back to the Dave Matthews Band.

In late 1997, the band returned to the studio to complete a trilogy of albums that would later be referred to as the “Big Three.” Wanting to be sure the album was given an appropriate title, Carter used his divine powers to travel ten years into the future. When he returned, he insisted that the new record be called Before We Fuck Things Up. No one thought anything of it at the time. LP3 went on to become not only DMB’s greatest album, but also the greatest album ever recorded by human kind.

The Winter 1998 tour is considered to be one of the most miraculous events in human history. Long time DMB collaborator Tim Reynolds was there. Butch “Call Me Daddy” Taylor also began guesting on the keyboards. Finally, fellow musicians from the band Béla Fleck and the Flecktones frequently guested on songs, including the popular #41, named after the number of minutes the song lasts when all members of the Flecktones are present. The tour ended on 12/16/98 in Chicago, when Jimi Hendrix rose from the dead to guest on “All Along The Watchtower.”

After yet another successful tour in 1999, the band returned to the studio a fourth time. Unfortunately, it was at this time the Sauron the Deceiver forged nine rings, which he gave to the CEOs of all the major record companies, enslaving them to his will. Dark days followed, which heavily affected Dave’s lyrics and songwriting. The head of RCA sent a servant to poison the band against Lillywhite. DMB was deceived, and Lillywhite was banished from the studio, never to be seen outside of Outback Steakhouses again.

[edit] 2001-2004 AL (After Lillywhite)

Throughout the 1990s, Satan had been keeping a close eye on Carter. He was worried that Carter’s gathering strength and popularity would be too much for him to overcome when the end times finally arrived. However, sensing the weakness caused by the Lillywhite Sessions, Satan made his move.

Dave left C-Ville and headed to California to clear his head. One evening, after drinking way too much bourbon, he ran into a producer named Glen Ballard. The two continued drinking into the morning, by which point they were making reckless dares trying to one up the other. Ballard had just completed Dave’s dare to go walking though downtown LA wearing a Bush/Cheney shirt and was thinking of a way to beat Dave. So he said, “I bet you that you can’t write an album in less than an hour.” They immediately drove to Ballard’s studio and, much to Ballard's chagrin, in less than an hour Dave had written an entire album’s worth of songs.

Dave sent for the rest of the band, and by the time they arrived Dave and Glen had already written everyone else’s parts. Carter, in particular, thought that this made him feel very professional. The album was named #36 in honor of the number of minutes Dave spent writing the songs. #36 is infamous for the over-played concert staple "Dreams Of Our Fathers," as well as "Fool To Think," which is so bad that it is illegal to discuss it in the state of Florida.

The release of #36 sent the American population, already upset about the fact that Bush just moved into the White House, into complete anarchy. Riots broke out across the country. DMB, realizing the chaos they had caused, chose to return to the studio to revisit the Lillywhite sessions songs. Their producer, Steve “not Lillywhite” Harris, did a superb job of pushing the record button, and within a few months time, We're Sorry was ready.

The band spent the next two years trying to put the Lillywhite Sessions debacle behind them. Both Dave and Boyd released solo albums, although Dave was a bit bruised by the fact that Boyd’s sold more copies. Finally, the band came together to write new songs again. The 2004 summer tour was considered the beginning of second golden age by many DMB fans. Unfortunately, it was not to be.

[edit] 2005-2007 AL (After Lillywhite)

Sensing that the band was about to recover from his evil machinations, Satan redoubled his efforts to defeat Carter. Once again, he sent his servant Glen Ballard to destroy the band. However, knowing that Carter would not be so easily fooled, Ballard changed his name to Mark Batson and underwent a surgical procedure referred to as the “reverse Michael Jackson.”

In his new form, Batson was able to convince the members of DMB into selecting him as the producer for the followup to We're Sorry. Batson forced the band to follow a strict regimen of long hours and hard work, with few interruptions for eating, drinking or any other form of relaxation. By the end of the sessions, the band discovered to their wonder that they had crafted some of the most musically complex and lyrically stunning songs of their entire career. They happily discarded most of the drivel they had been working on in 2004 and soon released Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! (For It) in 2005.

Unfortunately, after the haze from Batson's bong abated, the band discovered that each song consisted of no more than ten words, repeated over and over again for several minutes. Perhaps most regrettably of all, Batson had locked Carter out of the studio, and had quickly replaced him with one of Thom Yorke's drum machines.

Dark days were ahead for fans of Dave Matthews Band, but 2006 seemed to bring new hope. Inspired by the Democrats' dramatic victory over the Congressional Republicans, in which progressives in the House and Senate refused to capitulated to Bush's new demands while valiantly working day and night to undue to damage of the past six years, DMB became hopeful once more. With new songs like "The Idea Of You... Out of Office," "Kill The King" --> "With A Shotgun," "Break Free from Foreign Oil" and "Can't Stop (An Ode to Barack Obama)" DMB was the hit of the summer. Fortunately, they were high-minded enough to steer clear of politics. Furthermore, the band was joined on the road by trumpet player Rashawn Ross, who got the gig after winning a pie-eating contest in Atlanta. Ross soon won over his new bandmates by eating the infamous "Trench Coat Man" of Charlottesville, VA.

As plans for the new album got underway, the band suddenly remembered that there were other continents in addition to North America. Plans were immediately put in place to book a world tour. Over the course of early 2007, the band would headline sell-out concerts in Sudan, Iran, and a very special benefit concert in Waziristan to help raise money for the DNC.

[edit] 2008-2009 WC (With Cavallo)

It was in 2008 that the winds of fate finally changed direction. One night, after Batson suggested replacing a sax solo with a guest appearance by Kayne, LeRoi finally lost it and beat Batson over the head with one of his baritone saxophones. Batson's spell over the band was broken, and he was driven from the studio, never to work with the band again. And there was much rejoicing.

More changes followed. Butch Taylor had begun the year by betting his place on stage that Hillary Clinton would win the Democratic nomination. Soon it became apparent that a replacement would be required. Fortunately, with Tim Reynolds in the solar system to see the premier of the second X-Files film, Dave called upon his old friend to fill the void. The band also continued work on their follow-up to Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! Stand Up! (For It), tentatively calling the upcoming release "What New Album." The band soon discovered Rob Cavallo, the official spokesperson for Jack Daniels, and offered him the job of producer. Cavallo welcomed the chance to work with a group of musicians who wouldn't ask him for bail money, and soon they were hard at work in Seattle writing new songs.

Happiness, however, was short lived. Satan knew his only chance to destroy Carter would be to stop the new album from being completed. On June 30th, 2008, the servant Batson set out for the Haunted Hallow studios, where he had forged in secret a weapon that would transform all the drums in the world into drum-machines. LeRoi, ever vigilant for the enemy's return, discovered the plan and bravely chose to ride out alone to face Batson. An epic battle ensued, and although LeRoi was victories in slaying Batson, the battle left him mortally wounded and he soon passed into the next life.

While no one could truly replace LeRoi, the band was fortunate to find Jeff Coffin, a superhuman capable of playing four saxes and a flute simultaneously. The band chose to honor their fallen comrade by playing their very best for the remainder of the 2008 tour, which unfortunately had mixed results.

[edit] The Cincinnati "Halloween Poop Fiasco" of 2008

Cincinnati, Ohio's Riverbend Music Center was the sight for the Halloween Poop Fiasco of 2008. After fan demands for Halloween were denied and Everyday began, 1000's of "diehard" fans headed for the beer lines and restrooms. While standing in line or shitting, fans heard a strange power exuding from Carter's drum set and then something that sounded like... Halloween. The initial screams were heard from the stalls and more than 3000 people (some, shit spraying from their asses) stampeded back toward the stage.

In 2009 finally completed their new album Your Band Is Back. Intended to mark an end to the years of pain and suffering inflicted on their hardcore fanbase, the actual result was chaos. After so many years of bitching and moaning about virtually every song written since 2000, fans were completely unprepared to handle an actually good album. Some have been able to adapt to using adjectives such as "amazing" and "incredible." Others seem to walk around dazed, as if everything in their universe has turned upside down. The rest now bitch about New Jersey.

[edit] The DMB Fanbase

DMB fans belong to the “I Must Wear Abercrombie” genus of the “Here To Get Wasted” family of music fans. An evolutionary splinter genus, known as the “Popped Collars,” has also entered the fanbase through drunken sex inbreeding. As the band’s popularity grew, the fanbase evolved into two distinct species: the casual fans and the hardcores.

[edit] The Casual Fans

Today, casual fans make up approximately 99.99999% of the total DMB fanbase. They are proud of their in-depth knowledge of the band. Most casual fans are able to identify Dave Matthews as a member of DMB, and that the band’s greatest songs are clearly "Crash Into Me" and “The Space Between.”

The average concert-going experience for a casual fans generally follows this pattern: They descend upon concert venues like packs of crazed orangutans, clogging up the service roads for miles with their gas-guzzling SUVs and requisite "Obama ’08" bumper stickers, and blaring DMB music as loud as their speakers will go. Arriving as soon as the amphitheater opens its parking lots, the casual fans will spend the next few hours in the hot sun, drinking large amounts of beer and rotating between games of flag football, frisbee, and hacky sack. There are also large amounts of cannabis that are passed around to any and all.

High school students are perhaps the most devoted of DMB’s casual fans. In a special on location report with Larry King, fans at last year’s Alpine Valley Music Theater show were asked why they were attending the concert. “I’m here to get FUCKED UP!” shouted one fan, who then performed a keg stand for the cameras. “Everyone in my class is here,” explained another young man, “and we’re gonna get so high.” However, it was not all because of the party scene. When Mr. King asked the question to a group of thirteen-year-old girls, they were most emphatic. “Because Dave is so fucking hot!” they all shouted.

Approximately 30% of the casual fans never actually make it into the venue – either passing out next to their vehicles or being driven to the nearest hospital for alcohol poisoning. Of those remaining, at least half will be so intoxicated that they will have no memory of the actual show. Regardless, they will all claim that going to “Dave” was the best night of their summer.

[edit] The Hardcore Fans

The hardcore fans of the Dave Matthews Band until very recently had the weight of the world on their shoulders. They alone were burdened with the knowledge that they alone know exactly how bad the band sucked between 2001 and 2007. Despite making up only 0.00001% of the fans at any given concert, they will proudly display their love for the band by sitting down during "Old Dirt Hill" and yelling obscenities at anyone who doesn’t seem to understand the greatness that is “The Dreaming Tree.”

Hardcores are, according to their own judgment, “the shit.” They have devoted years of their lives to trading and downloading shows, so that one day they might be able to tell potential girlfriends that they have every single DMB, D&T, D&F, and DM Solo show ever recorded. They are also highly regarded for their encyclopedic knowledge. Don’t ever try to tell a hardcore that Béla Fleck first guested with DMB on 12.27.96. Don’t you know that it was 12.28.96, dumbass?

A key component to being a hardcore DMB fan is knowing the difference between good music and bad music. In fact, this is very simple. Anything the band wrote between 1991 and 2000, the 2004 songs, and the Big Whiskey songs are good music, while virtually everything written between 2001 and 2007 is bad music. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong, and has no taste in music whatsoever.

The Internet gave rise to several websites devoted to bitching about the band. During the early years of the ‘00s, a enormous Internet war was waged between the various message boards. However, as soon as TheAntsGoMarching.org began to offer free beer, rival websites began collapsing left and right. Ants now reigns supreme over all other DMB fan sites. It offers users the opportunity to check out the latest half-true rumors of what the band is up to, song stats so that you can show your friends what percentage of your shows have been ruined by Everyday and Stand Up tunes, and a message board where members can discuss all things Radiohead, as well as perpetually wish some guy called Gary! a belated happy birthday. The people who run Ants are the shit, and you would be a fool to think otherwise.

[edit] Stan the Man

The title of Greatest DMB Fan Ever is currently held by Stan the Man. Stan received his title in early 2009, after a daring operation in which he infiltrated the band's recording sessions for the upcoming release, What New Album. On the night of February 8th, Stan arrived at the band's recording studio, located in a top-secret compound guarded by CIA paramilitaries. Stan successfully evaded the guards, defeated a mountain lion that Cavallo used to guard the inner perimeter, and was able to outsmart a sphinx that blocked the entrance to the control room. There, he pushed the record button, grabbed Dave's guitar, and played Crazy-Easy, in the hopes that it would make it as the album's first single. He then departed, leaving no trace of his presence other than some tickets to a Hornets game.

[edit] Live Dave Matthews Band

For those who have never been to a DMB show, it is one of the most amazing experiences one can have; right up there with watching a 24-hour webcam of an obscure watering hole in Africa. The following is but a mere sample of what one is likely to encounter at a DMB show.

[edit] The Tailgate

The tailgate is one of the most important rituals when seeing a DMB show. Novices sometimes make the mistake of arriving at the tailgate sober. This goes against the tradition of the tailgate, for you will run the risk of not suffering any memory loss during the night.

There are four essential ingredients to the tailgate: food, drugs, music, and sports equipment. For food, hamburgers and hotdogs are good for beginners, but masters of the craft may eventually advance to BBQ ribs, steaks, and this crazy stuffed lobster with a homemade garlic/butter cream sauce.

Drugs are equally important. The most common are alcohol (mostly beer), cigarettes, and cannabis. However, one can also find shrooms, acid, hard liquor, and boxed wine – for all those classy ladies. Under no circumstances should one enter a DMB show sober, as this might result in remembering the entire evening and not missing important songs because you had to take a piss.

Speakers were installed in cars for one reason: to blare DMB music as loud as possible in the parking lot. After all, not doing so might cause everyone to forget what band they are about to hear. For those musically inclined, it is not uncommon to bring your own instrument to provide you own renditions of DMB’s greatest songs. It is said that Mikey Alvarez got his record deal based on a performance in the Nissan parking lot.

Finally, one cannot forget to bring footballs, Frisbees, hacky sacs, and other sports equipment. After all, according to the laws of men, when men gather together for extended periods of time, they must eat, drink, and play sports. Over the years, intravenue sports have grown more and more elaborate. In 2009, fans at the Gorge arranged a game of water polo after a large group of intoxicated frat boys fell off the cliff into the Columbia River.

[edit] The Show

Although less important than the tailgate, the actual DMB show can still be quite enjoyable. The major downsides are that food and drinks in the venue are ridiculously expensive, and there are way too many people (particularly in the seats) that are more interested in listening to the band than in having a good time. The best place to be is on the lawn, where you and your boys can bro it out without worrying about being told to stop shouting during “Cry Freedom.”

Being on the lawn is the best. There is no better place to walk around, see all your friends from school, and tell them how fucked up you are. Cell phone reception is also better on the lawn, so you can call all your friends to let them know you’re having a blast at “Dave.” The lawn is also perfect for the drunken hook-up, as trying to fuck in the seats requires way too much flexibility.

When your body reaches its limit, the lawn is there for you too! Grass is not only an excellent absorber of all types of projectile vomiting, but it also cushions your landing when you collapse unconscious to the ground. Your friends can wrap you in a picnic blanket and not give you a second thought. The lawn even helps out when the show is over. Why waste time trying to wake up your passed out friends when you can just roll them down the hill?

The greatest part of the DMB show is that even when the show is over, the party still goes on. It takes approximately three and a half hours to get out of a venue parking lot. You could wait in line like the rest, or you could play even more hacky sac until venue security kicks you out. Then after a quick game of “who’s sober enough to avoid getting a DUI” and you’re on your way home.

[edit] Death of the band

Because Tim is an alien, we already know how everyone will die.

• Dave Matthews

During a solo acoustic show played for paraplegics, Dave broke into "Stand Up(For It)". It is still unknown whether the paraplegics killed Dave because they felt he was insulting them, or that the song was just shit. Many "hardcore fans" assume it is the latter.

• Boyd Tinsley

Boyd never dies because he is an indestructible force. At the age of 157, many thought he would die of influenza... but his abs were able to deflect the sickness. He does however, lose his stunningly good looking dreads.

• LeRoi Moore

Upon dying in 2008 in a hospital bed, LeRoi thought he could come back if he could beat the devil with his kick-ass music, but it turned out that was only true with a fiddle, and Boyd was nowhere to be found, and so he is gone forever. Is currently haunting the fuck out of his old bar hangout, 3 ex-girlfriend's apartments and the DMB tour-bus whenever he hears them playing "#41", as he never liked that song.

• Stefan Lessard

Stefan was still in high school when Soviet Russia invaded the U.S. He got very confused about the Soviet saying "In Soviet Russia, homework does you." Stefan took this as an easy way to get through high school and did not realize that indeed the homework does not do you and that people in Soviet Russia get killed for not doing their homework. Stefans last face book entry was 5/10/2034 where he posted the blog "OMGZZZ NU HIP HOP ALBUM"

• Carter Beauford

The Judaic Prophecy that Carter was the new messiah did in fact come true. But he was also meant to be a Martyr. When he then learned that Martyrs do not get to chew all the Bubbalicious they want and that they must die, he refused to be the messiah. He was later forced as the Martyr. He is now worshiped in 5 continents.

• Tim Reynolds

He actually died 4 years ago, but nobody told him or his guitar

• Butch Taylor

As if being eaten by Rashawn Ross wasn't bad enough (Ross reportedly thought Butch was a candy), Butch is rumored to have been stoned to death at a gay pride parade after fans couldn't take any more of a 14 minute piano solo during a DMB cover band's rendition of Recently (I Boned A Guy).

• Rashawn Ross

Was put on death row when he killed a man who said the Baconator was overrated.

• Peter Greisar

Whereabouts, after disrupting an Umphrey's McGee show where DMB guested, are not known.