Dave Grohl
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| |||||||||||||||||||||||||
| [Source] | |||||||||||||||||||||||||
“He's a versatile musician...mmm...pie.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Dave Grohl
"Fucking asses" David Grohl is a narc and pastry chef, often shunned by fans of Cobain's Crap Machine for pursuing a career in music after Seattle grunge guy, Kurt Cobain, decided to "Bite the Bullet" and retire. He is most famous for being the drummer in every band (including Metallica, which is why Napster hates him). Currently, Grohl has his own brand of cereal and is the lead vocalist and guitarist for the Adams Family. He also plays the tamborine and triangle for Weezer. It is said that he killed former bandmate Kurt Cobain in order to have a reason to start a band of his own in which all would obey his iron fist. Grohl also holds a Guinness World Record for the most bananas balanced on his chin with 469.
Legend also states that Dave is the 2nd coming of Jesus, since no other man could possibly have eaten enough fiber to do so. This wild claim was however dismissed by Jesus H Christ at the 1997 Grammy Awards Show when he- the messiah who may or may not actually exsist - collected his grammy for "Best Adult Contemporary Kitchen Utensil Group, New Age Ska Supergroup or Christian Rock album". When asked to comment on Dave and his ("preachy") work with Foo Fighters, he replied "You stick to drums and I'll stick to the electric spoons, Dave."
Dave also speaks flueant Chinese and can quote any Bruce Lee movie on command. Dave can fly as well and has been known to lift cars with his face and has even written the theme songs to every single 70's TV-show including Sanford and Son as well as other hit TV theme songs such as 'Eat it' by Weird Al.
Contents |
[edit] Career
First there was nothing and then God created King Dave Grohl. King Dave's career started in 1973, before most of you were born. Dave courted fellow band member Elita-1 but lost to the massive manliness Optimus Prime. Failing his courtship attempts, Dave had a brief relationship with the Yellow Power Ranger.
Before The Mentors, Grohl was the drummer for Cobain's Crap Machine. He also played with The Smurfs for a short time before he later realised that they weren't a band and therefore had no need for a drummer.(yet)
In the early 1990s, Grohl decided he needed to save his career and went on to form the Spice Girls. The Spice Girls quickly became the most popular band in the universe, winning Grohl and bandmates billions of dollars in album and t-shirt sales. With his newfound fame and riches, Dave Grohl went on to purchase 57% of Viacom, the biggest company in the world. According to a close friend of the band, Grohl was later fired for being a better hairflipper then Posh Spice. Spice Girls Management refuses to comment.
In 2002, Dave Grohl toured with Queens of the Stone Age. Frontman Josh Homme immediately changed the name of the band to Daves of the Grohl Age.
Dave Grohl was arrested in 2003 for assault when his drum kit turned out to be a really fat, languid woman. Apparently that's why Kurt Cobain liked so much to dive into it during concerts for no apparent reason.
In 2004 Dave Grohl was spending most of his time in court at his homeworld of Ohio trying to get the space removed between the "E" and "G" since it is widely accepted that his name is just one word. Davegrohl the Magnificent. Which is technically three words, yes, but... fuck you! Stop being so pedantic!
Dave Grohl is also a retired World Heavy Weight Boxing Champ from his days before drumming. His insistant body building left him with amazing abillities like flight, super hearing and freeze breath. Dave holds the record for most knock outs in a single punch.
Dave Grohl also invented Air Conditioning when he decided "it was too hot outside" and thus a revolution was started. That was in 1985. This was an innovation to the Egyptian fern fanning, developed by cat scientists at Caturday.
Dave Grohl was also auditioned for the Chaotics, along with Chewbacca, David Hasselhoff, and Les Claypool
Dave Grohl is singlehandedly responsible for the creation of the Rock and Grohl music genre. He has influenced musicians such as Elvis Presley, Spinal Tap, Paris Hilton, and Mozart.
In 2005, Grohl began screaming in the key of C Minor, whilst standing in line at a Krispy Kreme. Grohl continued to scream the same note for a total of 178 days, before sitting down and having a rest. Krispy Kreme have yet to comment on the incident, but reporters believe the statement will start with a 'K'.
In 2007, he gave birth to his third child, Dennis Rodman, in Boise, Idaho. This was a great inspiration to him, and led to his eventual decision to reestablish The Smurfs as a band.
[edit] Grohl's style of playing
Grohl is known for being very soft when he plays the drums, which impressed Kurt Cobain. Cobain has stated that "When Dave plays drums, a beautiful and soft melody comes from them."
And, in secret: He loved Cobain. Evidence of this can be found in the Post-grunge history books. Through those eight months of living together in a small apartment, being with Nirvana, Grohl developed feelings for him, but has never admitted it.
[edit] Instruments Grohl plays
- Drums
- Guitar
- Bass guitar
- Bassoon
- Clarinet
- Accordion
- Teeth, usually his own
- Ash Ketchum's mother. Played her like a violin.
- And many, many more.
[edit] Nostrils
In 2008, Grohl was ranked #3 on the list of Animal Planet's 100 Greatest Animals. He was barely beaten by Manbearpig and Rosie O' Donnell, and Jesus.
[edit] The impact of Grohl
Musically, Grohl is well known for giving bands a hoist up the music ladder. Queens of the Stone Age, Tenacious D, Juliette and the Cocksuckers, Mozart, John Lennon, John Lemon, Har Mar Superstar, Elvis Presley, Oasis, The Beach Boys, Fat People, Islam, Rick Astley, and Doritos have all had Grohl's drums on their records at some point. It is because Grohl is classed as the best saxophonist of his generation.
It should be noted that, as claimed by Oscar Wilde:
"Dave Grohl is everywhere, he's, like, even in our breakfast cereals man."
Wilde is right. Dave Grohl is everywhere: in your neighborhood, in your house, maybe even in your room. Ever felt that weird tingling sensation in your spine? That's Dave.... He has at least 17 roles in every music video. Roles that were once considered physically impossible for humans to play (for example, Dave has been known to play skyscrapers, aeroplanes, grass, Bruce Lee, 19 of the midgets in The Wizard of Oz, Simon Cowell's eyelashes and the Sun). He even cuts off his fingers to turn into breakfast cereal, Grohlios. Buy it from that shady guy on the street corner while stocks last!
Dave Grohl has been scientifically proven to be 90% teeth, and few people have actually seen the rest of his face as a result. This is evident in many of his promotional videos, which show his teeth in a 1:1 ratio - and they still don't fit on the screen. His fine tusks have required him to employ round the clock security guards in an attempt to ward off Ivory dealers.
Grohl's screams are said to break glass and the planet Venus. Recently Grohl created a forum for people who are against baseball called the No Homers Club. There he and his henchman the evil Necromancer brainwash people into liking the Spice Girls.
The drumming exploits of Sir Dave of Grohl have gone on to influence such drummers as Ringo Starr, John Bonham and Keith Moon among legions of others. He has publicly lent his drumming support to numerous bands including Nirvana, Knaves of the Bronze Age, Iron Maid, Bonjo Vi, BB King, The Beatles, Stereoneck, U2, Metallica and obviously Cream whilst insisting fervently that their previous drummers were "the best in the fucking World when eating Hershey Pies from Burger King."
It has also been rumoured that Grohl created Courtney Love in a Frankenstein-esque experiment by fusing the corpse of Jack the Ripper victim Mary Jane Kelly with a bucket of stale semen and Jack Pierce's yearly make-up quota.
Though he is thought of being the second coming of Jesus, Grohl has been described as a mix of Hercules and John Mcenroe. Simply for the fact that he gets so angry when he plays with his penis. Hercules is just in his blood.
He has been on Saturday Night Live 5 trillion times, most recently drumming with the Jonas Brothers. Apparently he broke the no drugs, no drinking, no sex limitation those queers have. Louis Bamber loves this man very much and Dave loves him back just as much.
[edit] The Cold War
It has been recently claimed that some of the tensions present between Stalin and the western allies in the build-up to the outbreak of the Cold War were a result of Dave Grohl's insatiable sexual appetite. Some experts have brought evidence to the fore that appears to show Grohl sodomising not only many of the allies, but Joseph Stalin himself. As a result, one school (famous for it's out-of-the-box attitude to education) recently received this answer from a student on a mock exam paper:
"In response to the question "Who was responsible for the tension in the build-up to the Cold War?", "It was Dave Grohl. He put his sexual perversion before international relations. Some historians have argued that Mr. Grohl could not contain himself because..."
The school in question had no choice but to award the student full-marks, due to the overwhelming evidence stacked against Grohl (or for, as he is well-known for floundering his promiscuity).
[edit] Dave Grohl Conspiracy Theory's
Many scientists believe that many of mankinds greatest conspiracy's can be linked to Dave "Flower Picking" Grohl.
Roswell(1947): There is evidence claiming that the alien that landed in Roswell, NM in 1947 was really Grohl. Many people point to the fact that the ship required 17 aliens to drive it, but it appeared that Grohl had done everything by himself.
Moonlanding(1969): Recently scientists have discovered, that the fake moonlanding tape was really a FooFighters music video. President Kennedy broadcast it because it was "so fucking good as shit, we couldent even come close to making somthing that fucking realistic". Grohl can now add, fake moonlanding filmer to his long list of skillZ.
Grohl/Cobain Gaylove(1990-94): Many rock critics(all of Rolling Stone), agree that Cobain died not as a result of lone suicide, but as a gay suicide pact with Grohl who reportedly, "pussyed out at the last minuit and ducked". Some point out certain Foofighters songs: "Everlong", "MyHero", and "Let it Die", are obiously "love songs to Cobain".
[edit] Bands Dave Grohl has never been in
[edit] Comprehensive list of things Dave Grohl is unable to do
| These Are The Daves I Know I Know, These Are The Daves I Know |
| Some of them are Davids, but most of them are Daves |
| David Attenborough - Dave Barry - David Beckham - David Blaine - David Bowie - David Byrne - Dave Chappelle - David Copperfield - Dave Coulier - David Duchovny - David Duke - Dave Gahan - Dave Grohl - David Hasselhoff - David Hume - David Icke - David Letterman - Dave Lister - David Lloyd George - Dave Lombardo - David Lynch - Dave Meltzer - Dave Murray - Dave Mustaine - Diamond Dave - David Tennant - Dave Thomas - Camp David |
| They All Have Their Own Hands, But They Come From Different Moms |
| This article is a random string of characters and typeage spawned by someone snorting crack. You can be help Uncyclopedia by getting it a crackwhore. |
Sing the songs he wrote--live !
