Dating

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Office dating

Often negatively called such things as "pointless" or "stupid", dating can be the main or initial step in a long term beautiful story of an ever blossoming romance. It can also mean 'getting some', 'moving in on', or 'getting it away'.

Dating is most often known for the meaningful venues that always aid both parties in happy pursuit of a positive outcome of such evenings.

The most common establishments that entertain the act of the date are:

  • Multiplex multiscreens: Multi-person, not so dark and small seats - great for: Going to the movies, Arranging 'proper date next weekend'.
  • Fast food serveries: Personed by chavs, and under-cleaned by chavs, owned by hateful faceless corporations - great for: Eating fast food, Arranging 'proper date next weekend'.
  • Provincial hell: small town roundabout / park / benches / off licence with a light over the sign - great for: Chav argumentative convo, Contemplating no fookin date next fookin weekend. Fook it, where's the buckie?
  • Sophistication: Heading 'downtown' to a night club (or nite club if one resides in Croydon) for: Meaningful everlasting relationship - great for: Until the next date, next weekend.

Dates can range anywhere from between 2-3 hours to how many fucking hours???. However these longer dates are, more often than not, caused by a surfeit of conversations entirely comprising: "What", "You what?", "Eh?", "No.", "I said No", and the all time favourite - "Fuck off!". Or perhaps the movie is sold out, or one is stood up? Again.

There are other types of dating, the most common being carbon dating, by which people can tell how old their date is by a use of the element boron. If you would like more information on this subject area, please click on the disambiguation link.

edit Dating advice for guys who like girls

Japanese Banana Man

Blowing bananas out of your nostrils and flying away backwards is always going to win the girl over, every time. However, trying the same with dildos is usually a definite date-wrecker.

  • Be yourself.
  • Be polite, funny and sensitive (i.e. don't be yourself too much).
  • Be obviously rich, be a "professional" footballer / DJ / oligarch.
  • Act gay.
  • Play the saxophone or viola. Either will suffice.

Luke smith is going out with brooke connell

edit Dating advice for girls who like guys

  • You can get by for ten minutes with great brains. With great conversation - another five minutes. With great eyes, perhaps another five minutes. After this you'd better have great tits or you're in trouble.
  • Look at least remotely fuckable. Yes you've got a PhD, you read Proust and Germaine Greer... Shut up! Pull that top down low and show that cleavage. And giggle when they leer. You'll certainly be giggling later...
  • Take a breast size enhancer advertised on spam e-mail...
  • Or gain weight, you're gonna attract a few nerds.

edit Asking Girls Out

Before you approach girls to ask them out, you have to remember some simple facts about life. Guys and girls are the same animal; human. Social pressures aside; buildings, clothes and technology out of the picture; there is one thing on her mind, and she wants a man who knows what it is.


Also be aware of how girls work:

  • There are some concepts and definitions that apply to girls only, which guys consider bullshit false or untruthful, but women consider very real. Your success in dating depends on you understanding how each one of them affects and alters her behavior.
  • easy: what you consider to be honest and open, such as saying what you really feel or what's on your mind, a woman considers to be "easy". It's normal for a guy to tell a girl how great he thinks her tits she looks, how he feels for her, and how much he wants to throw her up against the wall and nail her senseless her number, to see her again or meet up for sex coffee sometime. If a girl does this however, she is being "easy", which is a negative. To avoid such a fate, she must be the opposite of "easy", which is "difficult". Do not be put off by this behavior. Simply appreciate and understand that this is an act she doesn't want to put on, but she is forced to put on by her friends and society in order to not look like a slut protect her image and reputation. To fully grasp this concept of why women complain about sexual repression, imagine a world where "sleaze ball" or "pervert" was a negative label that men faced for expressing their sexuality. What would end up happening is that nearly all men would be sexually repressed, afraid to honestly and truly express their sexuality out of fear and guilt. It would then be up to women to provide a guilt-free means for men to enjoy what they really want to enjoy but are just afraid to express. Do you get it? Men have worked tirelessly to sexually repress women through social constructions such as the word "slut". You give her the opportunity to enjoy the sex she wants to enjoy by making it your responsibility for what's going to happen, so she doesn't feel like a slut guilty about it. So don't complain about a woman's sexual repression; it's something men have been working on since the dawn of time to piss off feminists give themselves a monopoly on sex.
  • cheap: similar to easy, only directly quantifiable with money and time. Many girls confuse not being a whore and not being cheap to mean simply having higher rates than what a prostitute would have. But for many girls, if there hasn't been some kind of financial and time investment prior to her emotional and sexual investment in you, she will feel "easy". By being a little difficult, she is able to afford the excuse to herself that she is not cheap, and she is able to feel comfortable enough to have you nail her up against that wall do what she wants with who she wants without suffering from the guilt and shame that society casts onto her because she's a woman.
  • man (aka. real man): is a term girls throw around to try and get you to act a certain way or do things (ie. a real man isn't afraid to make the payments on the new Lexus he'll get me). If you think approaching women has nothing to do with how much of a man you are, you're right; and also very lonely! Happy now? We all know what someone is trying to do when they use phrases like "be a man", "a real man", etc. The point is that they are trying to get you to do something for a reason; because they want it. So listen to her clues and take the hint; she wants you to ravager her senseless approach her.
  • playing hard-to-get: girls grow up feeling inferior to boys. It's not easy to look at the list of Nobel Prize winners or important historical figures and realize they mostly all belong to the opposite gender. Such upbringing gives rise to borderline personality disorder and feminism. Be aware of girls who desire being chased as a means of validating a low self-esteem and comforting deep underlying insecurities. This is not to be confused with trying to not feel "easy"; it simply shows a denial or misunderstanding of how markets work. Girls are like cars, and like cars, there is a newer hotter model out next year and the current year's model's value will continue to decrease sharply over time. Bumping up the price on a 1991 piece of junk with emotional problems and father issues doesn't change its value or demand; at least not favorably. Don't ever pay more than something is worth when you can find something better at fair market price.
  • women: when women use the word women, it means something completely different. To women, women is the bi-product of years of feeling inferior to boys. Be prepared to endure and tolerate endless bitching about men, and endless sexism targeted towards men that you will be expected to accept and casually brush off as humor. Do NOT make the mistake of buying into "equality" bullshit. This doesn't work the other way around. If you try and do the same, you will be dismissed and labeled as a sexist. Simply sit back and nod your head as girls try and convince themselves via trying to convince you why men are dumb and stupid and why women are just better at everything, while resisting the urge to point out that if in fact true, how funny and ironic the disparity in achievements in history would be.


In the initial stage this at least entails actually making verbal contact with the female. If this is too difficult, or a cause of too great an anxiety, then one's mates can be called upon, in extremis to indulge in said activity of asking the opposite sex out on your behalf. Loser.

  • Get over your equal-rights complex. Yes, it's not "fair" that girls don't approach and initiate at least 50% of the time. You're right, are you happy? Now, this doesn't change the fact that she will won't approach or initiate. This is not demeaning to you as a man, nor is it unfair; quite the opposite, it's empowering. You have choice, the control and power to select exactly who you want and never be bothered with anyone who doesn't interest you. Can you begin to imagine how annoying it would be to have to brush off a very bitchy or ugly chick that approached you, while worrying about her feelings and trying to not be mean? Every time you choose to not approach a girl, you are by definition calling her fat or ugly rejecting her and simultaneously sparing her feelings. Girls get rejected far more often than guys, they just don't know about it. You have the luxury of approaching only girls you want, whereas girls can only hope a guy they want approaches them; but there's nothing they can do to help their cause. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you'll be ready to proceed to the next step.
  • Scan the room for girls.
  • Immediately disqualify any girls that are ugly. If you are ugly yourself, then ignore this step unless you are filthy rich, then proceed to the next step.
  • Take a moment to disqualify any average, below average or girls below your standards. If you are average yourself, then ignore this step unless you are filthy rich, then proceed to the next step.
  • Of the girls you do actually find insanely hot, stunningly attractive, or cute, look for subtle cues in her choice in clothing, choice in friends, facial expressions, body language and voice patterns to determine if she's a bitch or incompatible personality; then disqualify her. If you're not looking for a girlfriend and simply a one-night stand, then ignore this step.
  • Identify a girl who does not disqualify. Do not actively look for your perfect girl, this is a self-defeating mentality. There is no such thing as perfect anyway; she falls into a bell-curve the same way you do, deal with it.
  • Visualize yourself approaching, but don't think about what you're going to say. It's going to come out bad anyway, why make it sound pre-meditated and scripted on top of that?
  • Stop making excuses for yourself. The best/perfect moment to approach isn't in a little while when the music isn't so loud, or when her friends leave, but right now! This is an other human being you're approaching because you haven't disqualified her in your mind; that's it! Why are you making it into anything more than what it is? It doesn't mean you want to marry her, or have kids together, or have sex with her, or that you even like her! As you approach different girls, you'll often find that during the course of talking to them, you don't feel the least bit motivated to ask for their number or talk to them ever again. So stop building up the fantasy in your mind of what it would be like to be in a relationship with this girl and have her as your girlfriend, because 4/5 times, after she opens up her mouth, that love story is over before it even began.
  • Physically move your lazy ass and start walking over to her. To reduce the distance between two points, one or both points have to move so that they are closer together. Hint: she's not moving.
  • Talk first, think later. The valuable time you spend "thinking" about what to say can be better spent on "talking" instead. Women are asshole and loser magnets. That's because assholes and losers do far more talking than thinking, while nerds do more thinking than talking, and coupled with the social roles women have to conform to in order to avoid the fate of being labeled as "cheap, easy, slut, whore", you don't have to take a course on probability theory to find the expected value of which guy she's most likely to get approached by and end up with. When your girl friends give you the horrible dating advice of "just be yourself", there's a bit of truth under there. What they're really saying is, "we're so tired of the smug guido who walks and talks like he's the shit, with some loser job and nothing but a gym membership and a car to justify his ego"
  • How you say something is more important than what you say. A simple "hey" can mean so many different things, depending how you say it. It can show someone that it's all you really need to say, and that you don't feel you need to say anything more. It can show someone that you have a really big idea of yourself as you say it with a smug look on your face (girls hate competition, so don't let your self-absorption get in the way of hers). It can even let the other person know that you're not putting up some act (that's her job) and are being honest and genuine. Your voice should be calm, relaxed, with frequent long pauses, taking its time when talking, as if to express a certain certainty that it knows the person hearing it will want to listen and won't want to leave. Your body's movements should be slow and heavy, you're not suffering from epilepsy, so quit it with the sudden neck jerks and fidgeting. Unless you're aiming to attract someone who's into gay men, don't have strong expressions or reactions to her, and understand that there's no reason to be animated or hyper. If you want to express how excited you are to be around her, then do so verbally; (ie. that's not a flashlight in my pants)
  • Be creative and daring. The best approaches are ones where the guy is just having fun, not taking himself or her too seriously, and just playing around. Pick something situational and comment on it, make fun of her if you can. Walk up to her and ask her what's wrong with her face. Tell her how her manly legs remind you of the movie 300, then ask her if she's seen it. If she's drinking a diet Pepsi, tell her how Pepsi sucks big hairy nuts and that Coke is way better. Then tell her how it still looks like she should stick to diet Coke. Sure, it's supposed to be funny and a joke, but it also serves as an invaluable test. A girl that can handle that kind of light joke progression is confident and secure with herself, which means one who can't, isn't. So use this as both an ice-breaker and as a means of filtering out girls with deep underlying issues that you'd rather say goodbye to sooner than later.
  • Flirting and teasing. These two take place immediately after you've broken the silence between the two of you. If you fail to start off this way, consider yourself immediately in the friend zone. You have to be fun and interesting in order for there to be sexual tension between the both of you from the beginning. Without this, there is no attraction, and without attraction, your interaction is purely platonic. Please don't confuse sexual tension with hitting on her or being heavy on sexual innuendo. All it means is establishing yourself, from the very beginning, as a sexual partner, not a friend. All you have to do is be fun and funny. Challenge her and have fun with her. The time for her to get to like you is LATER. The time for her to feel attracted to you is right NOW.
  • After you approach and break that initial ice barrier between the two of you, talk to her friends and ignore her. That's right, ignore her and talk to her friends. You can give her bits of attention here and there, but you've already made it clear to her that you've joined her group because you are interested in her. If you continue the interaction with her alone, then you are completely ignoring her friends. When she asks them what they think about you later, they won't really have anything to say. If they are guy friends, they might just say something bad about you because they secretly like her too or are just repeating the generic girl rhetoric her girlfriends feed her. If they are girl friends, then the more of a great guy they see you are, the more jealous they will be of her, and the more they will try to make her think twice about you because they are miserable bitches who would rather see their friend single or with some asshole or loser that they can offer support to than with a great guy that will remind them how unhappy they are. (ie. If I had a dollar every time I had a guy say that to me, that was such a line, be careful, he might be looking for sex; you know, unlike those other guys that are asexual vampires that glow in the sunlight and love to cuddle while they grab you in their arms and fly with you over cities during the twilight). This is why you should make it harder for them to say anything bad about you, by virtue of them getting to know you. If you really got to know a really great guy or girl, would you really have the heart to ruin it for your friend? So focus on her friends immediately after you approach her.
  • Shift focus back onto her. You didn't walk over there to meet her friends (unless you did; see: player). Notice how different the dynamic is now that you and her friends are more comfortable and familiar with each other. More importantly, notice how she's put the mace away and how more comfortable she is with you now. Talk to her about anything and everything, but don't be fake. Think about soundproof doors; if you can hear what people are saying on the outside, they can hear what you're saying too. You can tell when a girl is putting on an act and being fake. The reason you brush it off and ignore it is because you it's just part of being a woman. But you have no such excuse. Biologically, testosterone makes you retarded numbs up your emotional regions of the brain, and makes you a horrible liar. In fact, people with high levels of testosterone yell: THIS IS SPARTA! feel a sense of pride in being honest and telling the truth. So basically, don't be a girl. If you didn't like one of her friends, don't pretend you did. In fact, tell her you didn't like one of her friends and let her know why. Girls respect guys who aren't afraid to be honest and real with how they feel. Girls hate guys who are dishonest and fake, feeding them what they want to hear; it reminds them of her and her girlfriends.
  • Make up your mind. During the course of the conversation and interaction, you obviously know that you are attracted to her, or else you wouldn't approach her. But after that initial attraction, are you still attracted to her after talking to her? Are you starting to get interested in her? Are you already interested in her? Where your first initial hunches about her correct? If you didn't get the vibe that she's ingenuine (not just nervous), manipulative, or a bitch, then proceed to the next step.
  • Ask her for her number. Again, if you're suffering from your equality complex, please get over it already. She's a girl, she grew up around boys that were taller and stronger than her and better at math and science or any other pre-requisite to professions that matter and make money. She's tired of feeling insecure and powerless, this is why girls love the chase so much; it's their time to shine. Don't bitch about it, give it to them! Let her enjoy it, allow her to feel good about herself, allow her to feel in control and powerful while you also relieve her of any accountability or responsibility for wanting you to hold her down on the floor as you pound her senseless what's about to happen. When you ask her for her number, she will have to say "no" or play difficult at least once (especially if she's around her friends or there are other people around in general who she feels have nothing better to do with their lives but to look at her and judge her). Don't be insulted. It's not that she disrespects you and has no idea how difficult it is to approach a complete stranger; she's just terrified of feeling and looking cheap and easy, so she needs to at least act difficult. (Hint: feeling cheap and easy for a woman is like feeling gay for a man. The solution is to act difficult or homophobic. That being said, the more difficult and homophobic one acts, the more insecure they feel about knowing how cheap/easy and gay they really are)
  • Your reaction to the first "no" determines her answer to your second attempt. If you blow up into a violent rage and start calling her names, or scratch your head and turn away and leave wondering what went wrong, all you're doing is demonstrating that you don't have the slightest clue about women. A guy who understands girls finds her "no" funny at best, and bursts out in laughter at worst. Try and contain your laugh and don't smirk too much. Let your eyes, face and voice tell the tale that you know her "no" or "I'm sorry, I don't usually give my number out to people I just meet" really means "ask me one more time".
  • Ask her one more time. Again, be creative, be daring, be fun and playful. Take what she gives you and turn it into a joke. Tease her with it. "I don't usually ask people I just meet for their number" or "What are you trying to say, that I'm like people you just meet? I see how it is, we're not friends anymore. Give me your number so I can leave you a text about how I'm not talking to you anymore". If you're not that creative, then at least be fun and funny. Smile, laugh and look at her in a way that lets her know that you know quite well what she's doing and tell her, "alright, I get it, you're not easy, now what's your number?" or "okay, I got it, are you done playing hard-to-get?"
  • Touch and kiss goodbye. If you're European and reading this, you've probably had a (duh!) moment. But for everyone else, this is really important. Girls love to be touched. This is confusing for a lot of guys to understand, especially in America. American guys are hellbent on this little girl's voice in their head screaming "eww, don't touch me! get away you creep!" That's in fact what every girl is thinking about any guy she doesn't find attractive or isn't interested in. But if that's not the case, her inner voice is thinking "touch me!" So don't pay attention to her virgin good-girl act be afraid to touch and kiss goodbye. Don't feel her up, no petting, no making out; that's not the touching and kissing we're talking about. Just putting your hands on her skin communicates volumes. It lets her know you're strait (in case she had doubts because you were too animated or talked too fast), it lets her know you're interested in her and find her attractive, that you're confident and not shy, that you're secure with yourself but not forward or pushy (which makes her feel even more comfortable and safe), and that you're a guy who can lead (which means you can allow her to follow; allowing her to dump all accountability and responsibility for anything that will happen onto you and not feel ashamed or guilty for doing what she wants to do with you). Touching her throughout the whole interaction, especially on her neck, ass hands, tits arms, waist and in her pants back will let you be the European man she's dreamed about her feel comfortable and safe when she's thinking about you. Being the one to initiate a kiss on her cheek the first time you say goodbye communicates that you're not going to be the kind of guy that doesn't kiss her on the first date. This last step shows her that you're a guy who will not be too forward or pushy, but won't be too fairy-tale Disneyland slow either.

edit Asking boys out

TITS OR GTFO

edit Dating advice for guys who like guys

Dude, you're gay. Give it up, you've already failed.

edit How to tell if its official

When you are officially dating, it must be posted on facebook, or it is not official.

What if you don't have facebook? Well, you are not a real person, and you should not be allowed to date.

It is also common practice upon becoming "official" to sit down with your significant other and have a discussion about the official day on which you started dating and determine when your anniversary will be. Celebrating anniversaries is a very important part of showcasing your vomit-inducing love to innocent people you will encounter as you swoon, make-out, hold hands and whisper disgusting pet names into your brain-damaged partners ear, thus scarring those around you. It is also very important to not only celebrate your anniversary of when you first became official but also the that of when you first : kissed, held hands, fought, had sex, cheated on each other, had dinner, dipped your partners toothbrush in the toilet, launched a website declaring your love for one another and of course lost the day all your friends because you became a revolting creature which consists of nothing more than the intertwined bodies of the formerly intelligent individuals, which now just bear the worst traits of both combined people in the relationship. There are many more pointless dates to celebrate including such dates but they cannot be named as their irrelevance cannot be named without the world ending, just as you cannot divide by zero, so don't even try. This ridiculous ritual is involved grabbing a calender and sitting down closely in an intimate grotesque fashion and nattering on trying to pick the perfect day to ruin for others around them, because said couple will of course broadcast that it is their anniversary to all those around them and never shut the fuck up about it. This ritual is completed when the calendar is marred with the couples named, multiple hearts and whatever else the parasite which infected them feels is necessary to make this stamp upon the calendar truly revolting.

Dating can refer to:

Disambug
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