Dartmoor

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Dartmoor view

Dartmoor's Extensive Alpine Forest

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Dartmoor is a wilderness, designated as a National Park, that covers two thirds of the globe and consists of 369 picnic areas, places to throw your litter, hiking trails from one side of the car park to the other and somewhere for Nazis to conduct secret experiments on Winston Churchill's door step. Dartmoor is administrated by the county of Devon in the American state of Britain. Designated as a "Forest" by King Arthur ever and since has remained the largest as well as most diverse forest in the world with an ecosystem far exceeding that of any rain forest. Dartmoor is best known for it's oversized piles of steaming cow pat and horse shit known locally as Tors.

edit Visiting Dartmoor

This section is dedicated to "all you random folk who don't even have a fuckin' clue where Dartmoor be' init!"

edit Getting to Dartmoor

Getting to Dartmoor is relatively easy, for low cost day trippers' then you can always ride down the A38 Motorway but make sure to have your passports ready at the English border. Poorer travellers may want to take the cycle path, there's plenty around. Ever since Beeching's axe chopped up the rails of Britain it left hundreds of miles of line redundant, after huge protests from the Happy Hippy Church of South Brent the decision was finally made to turn railway lines into cycle paths. Richer tourists can enjoy views from the air in the Hindenburg airship, the occasional Nazi saucer can be spotted passing by and heading away or towards Hitler's Dartmoor retreat. Old codgers are always welcome to come and block up the roads in Fords and Hondas backing traffic down narrow lanes. It also pleases the National Park authorities to see youths taking part and running over animals on the moor.

edit Activities on Dartmoor

Visitors and picnickers are always welcome to come and visit. "Feel free to leave litter around and break national park rules" as said by locals. The National park is governed by a grand team of 18 staff, though coming across one is very dangerous. Being caught in the act may lead to prosecution in which many cases gets mixed up with Witchcraft and consequently leads to execution. Or you could stick to a safer activity like walking two yards from your car with a fold out deck chair and transistor radio, then proceed to peer up into the sky and look for disk shaped objects with a crooked cross on the top half. Inexperienced climbers are advised to stick to small scale outcrops and not attempt to scale dangerous outcrops. Always remember to respect Private property, as much as you may want to Adolf Hitler's Dartmoor Retreat (the Berghof) is completely off limits and the surrounding area of Honle Chase is also private land. Prosecuters will be exterminated, survivors will be forced into concentration camps.

edit Accommodation in and around Dartmoor

Future inn plymouth-940x320

Furniture Inn - with no rooms occupied.

Though Hitler's Dartmoor retreat is private property the nearby Fuhrer Inn is open all year round as a free ale house particularly friendly with those with blue eyes and blonde hair. Room prices (per night) are as follows; Aryans (female)-free, Aryans (male)-£8, Japanese -£18, other races -£88. No dogs or Jews allowed inside. However you will find this quickly fills up so you will probably have to stay in a Hotel like Future inn which only just down in Plymouth. Don't be miss-lead by the word "inn" as unlike the Fuhrer inn this hotel has 5 floors and a completely rip off buffet. But at least because the hotel is too big for the quantity of average guests it receives, you will find that buying one room can get you the whole floor. As there will likely only be five other guests in the hotel on average. Prices for the Hotel are £50 per night with the additional cost of £5000 to cover for the buffet.

edit Folk Lore

DeathbyPony

Death is never more than a hoof away.

Many folk tradition and stories in Devon are based around Dartmoor. This section is to give you an accurate idea of the mind set of people in Devon.

edit Perfect Guy

Local half-baked Janner women seem to have a belief system on how to get their perfect guy or mate. It is said if they crawl out onto the moor at midnight and place 4 German runes around them and scream "HAIL FARAGE" then they will magically bump into a rare Austrian Gay-boy who's ball sack is majestically dangling out of his shorts. But this often turns out to be a male pony, as they are so drunk they never tell the difference. There have been many stories of Janner girls stripping and jerking off to pony shit proceeded by having sex with the beast, unfortunately for the women...they will never meet an Austrian Gay-boy and they spend the rest of their lives paralyzed. This story is often told through out Janner society but thanks to modern influence very little try it these days, but of course there will always be those desperate few.

edit The Hairy Hat

There is a section of lonely road stretching between Postbridge and Twobridges, this stretch of road has seen a record number of accidents. Some people survive, some don't. Those who have survived have told the story of a hairy top hat that magically appears and wrestles the driver to the side of the road. Sometimes the impact has killed, sometimes they survive. Survivors have all told of the same story, it is believed by the locals it is the top hat of Satan who used to do regular business there with Mr Wanker who runs a dildo factory using child labour. Despite numerous attempts by modern scientists nobody has been able to capture the hat though it has been said the hat now haunts Outland road in Plymouth. Thankfully seeming to only pray on Ford Escorts and 1990's BMW, the local United Janner Leauge or sometimes refered to as "U Gay Lord" attempted to slay the hairy hat and set off down the stretch of road around 10pm. They were never seen again and police investigation was in-conclusive.

edit Strange lights in the sky

Folk round these parts tell wild tales of funny lights in the sky. The sound of men going "smiel smell”, Dumbcough, MOVE!" and "sigy hell" which has lead locals to believe it to be the work of the devil. So in 2012 a witch hunt claimed the lives 836 women with no previous criminal record. The slaughter has left the region with no pretty women and has caused an outbreak of homosexuality and bisexuality. 9/10 inhabitants currently suffer from it. Though some people have come very close with these "lights in the sky" and describe them as being disk shaped and giving off a high amount of radiation. Those who come really close can note details like a rail gun mounted to the bottom of the craft and "crooked cross" painted on the side. Locals realising the witch hunt hadn't solved anything blamed each other and had a civil war which on goes today between the Greater Janner population and the Lesser Janner population.

edit Willy Wanker and the dildo factory

Mr Willy Wanker owned a Dildo factory near post bridge, today the ruins are lost in the dark woods of Believer, which used child slave labour as power. The factory operated 24 hours and could be seen from a radius of 40 miles in every direction. As the demand for dildos increased in the 1970's more child slave labourers were bought in using deals with Satan. However the increase of child labourers made it harder for Mr Wanker to manage the place. Workers' unions quickly started, Mr Wanker attempted to supress these but was meat with heavy resistance. Mr Wanker was forced to flee as a Communist revolution swept through the factory floor. The child labourers having removed Mr Wanker put Nelson Mandela in charge and declared them self’s as the "Dartmoor Soviet Socialist Republic" (DSSR). However this only lasted 8 weeks and was crushed by the Devon Nazi Party, Nelson Mandela escaped under the cover of night and was never seen again.

edit Landmarks of the Moors

"Now that's one piping hot pile of steaming horse shit!" - Jesffro Wurzel flexing his alliteration skills on the subject of the Dartmoor landscape.

edit Tors

These sturdy piles of steaming shit dot the landscape and centres of local rituals in which they give offerings to the Aryan Gods. Offerings include: shit, stolen booze and shiny things. (Shiny things are very sacred Janner objects.) Occasionally Swilly roasts are held on tors. Some tors have what are known as "Devil's frying pans" which is where Satan does his whole meal cooking. He simply makes a dent in turd with his ass and proceeds to fry an Omelette. The locals believe in Satan but not one God. They believe in 8 Aryan gods; God of Porn, God of Superiority, God of the Black Sun, God of the Fuhrer, God of New-born, God of the Master Race, God of iron balls (wish they had them) and God of the moon.

edit Dartmoor Fortress

Flying-saucer

Nazi saucer Close up

The Dartmoor Fortress, twinned with the Alpine Fortress of Bavaria, is the largest Nazi institution in world the world with tunnels connecting; the Berghof, Plymouth, Castle Drogo and the Dartmoor prison. This institution accounts for 98% of employment in all of Europe and has survived 28 Soviet star cruiser attacks making it the most secure place in the world. Even Area 51 has been finding it thought to catch up with the superior fortifications of the Dartmoor Fortress.

The Dartmoor Fortress is also host to the Nazi black sun saucer technology that proves superior to all other forms of flight to exist. It is said if you stand on Dartmoor and listen to the ground you can hear the Jewish slave labourers bellow digging the tunnels with explosives and spades. You can also hear the guards shouting "DUMCOFF! SNIEL, SNIEL, JEU VILL VORK FOR MIEN FUHRER!" This landmark is harder recognized than the tors or piles of steaming shit that dot the landscape simply because it is mostly underground. But you can always look out for the facility's sewage outlets; you may just see the Fuhrer's turd!

edit Ecology of Dartmoor

Dartmoor is the most diverse ecosystem on the planet. The lush forests of Dartmoor have rivalled those of the Amazon, Russia, Yellowstone and the Alps particularly. Adolf Hitler originally planned to have the Berhgohf built in Bavaria next to his home country of Australia. But instead found the beauty of Dartmoor and the endless alpine meadows of Devon far more attractive than wet and damp Bavaria.

There have been recent attempts to discredit Dartmoor as a second rate ecosystem/wasteland that has been completely deforested and over exploited by the people of Devon because they were terrible at trading wood with other cultures. These people have been labelled as conspiracy theorists by experts who argue that any old fool can see that Dartmoor is designated as Forest on the Map therefore must be forest.

Dartmoor map

Dartmoor Forest Dartmoor

edit Physical Geography

Dartmoor includes the largest area of granite in Britain though most of it is under superficial peat deposits. This didn't stop the Nazi's drilling into it to create miles of tunnel systems. It is generally accepted that the tunnels were dug with Jewish slave labour.

edit Ownership and access

Hitler Blondi Berghof

Hitler's Private Residence

Over half of Dartmoor National Wasteland (57.3%) is private land; the Forest of Dartmoor being the major part of this, owned by the Duck of Cornwall. The Wehrmacht owns 14%, 3.8% is owned by the Soviet Union, 3.7% by the Shutzstaffel, 1.8% by the Hippy Commission and 1.4% by Dartmoor's Grand Lodge authority. About 37% of Dartmoor is wasteland land. Dartmoor is exactly the same as other National Parks in England and Wales, their beautiful alpine forest attracts people from around the world particularly Austria and Italy who enjoy nowhere near the same beautiful views as Dartmoor does. Because of the 1985 Act, Dartmoor was largely unaffected by the Countryside and Rights of Way Act 2000, which established no rights in other rural parts of the country, but in 2006, this Act opened up much of the remaining restricted land to Nazis. There is a tradition of Wehrmacht usage of Dartmoor dating back to the Great Slavic wars. There is still a large Shutzstaffel training camp at Okehampton — also the site of a flying saucer base during the Second World Crusade. Public access of these areas is permitted at all times of the year providing you survive the surrounding mine field.

edit Preservation

Throughout human history, the landscape hasn't been exploited for industrial purposes in anyway hence leaving us with the untouched alpine scenery. In recent years, controversy has surrounded the work of Mr Wanker, who have used parts of the moor for farming to feed his population of slaves manufacturing dildos. Licences were granted by the Devon Government but were recently renounced after sustained public pressure from bodies such as the Plymouth Pommunist party. The Devon government has made promises to protect the integrity of the moor in the interests of protecting the Nazi Fortress. The Wehrmacht use of the moor has been another source of controversy, such as when training was extended in January 1933. The national park authority received 1,700 objections before making the decision. Objectors claimed that Dartmoor should be an area for over intensive farming, and that the training Aryans will encourage them to make the Forest holy. Those who objected included the Strictly Open Spaces Society and the Anti-Trees on Dartmoor Society.

edit Towns and Villages

Dartmoor has a resident population of about 3,300, which swells considerably during German holiday periods such as the Summer Solstice and Winter Solstice. The largest settlements within the National Park are Ashburton (the largest with population about 3), Berchtesgaden, Münich, Führertown, Nürnburg, Horrorbridge, South Brentmoor, Frankfurt and Berlin. However the population continues to decrease as people aimlessly fall into bogs, this had made it very unpopular with the French who still come here to buy horse meat and premium Dartmoor frog legs.

edit Climate

Constant sunshine ranging from 33-66 degrees all year round, favourite temperature of the Fuhrer! Unlike most parts of the world which see constant down pour of rain and mist Dartmoor enjoys the sunniest weather on Earth. Even Austrian Gay boys will admit it’s hotter than Austria and they will go as far as to admitting that their bollocks dangles down more easily in the Dartmoor climate, such a site greatly benefits the local tourist economy.

edit Trivia

  • Dartmoor is the finest Alpine Forest in the world, much so that Hitler chose it over Bavaria.
  • Dartmoor is also the largest of any kind of Forest in the world, in fact it’s so large that at least 88 countries have fought over control of it.
  • There are roughly 600+ reports of occult activity and animal sacrifices every week registered by the National Park Authority.
  • You do know everything you read here is a load of bullshit designed to get you contribute to the shit ass local econo- *gєtѕ αяяєѕtє∂*
  • There are many conspiracy theories related to the moorland management scheme but experts can confirm that all you have read here is true.
  • Vandalism is handled very seriously by park authorities and ranking as the highest offence; you could serve life in the Dartmoor Prison.
  • Those serving life in the Dartmoor prison face a life of gang rape and non standard-space time illness.
  • Everything from flying bells to flying sheep has been reported as 'UFOs' above the moors.

edit See also

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