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“No Pinnochio; I'm your father.”
Darth Vader (also known as Darth Röbot, Manquin and Pinnochio) was a hard-line, force-fearing, pro-life, red-light-saber-wielding Republican who at one point cornered the market on hyphens. Originally named Anakin Ranma Skywalker he whined and complained a lot, until he fell into the galaxy's luckiest lava pit, which made him a foot taller and dropped his voice several octaves. Until Lando, Mr. Röbot was the only black person in space, which is why he used the word "master" so much. After realizing Skywalker was just his artificial wombs slave name, Vader briefly took the last name of X before realizing it lacked the established brand name recognition.
According to Vader's Encyclopedia Galactica entry by Dark Lord of the Librarians Exar Kun; Anakin Ranma Skywalker, Princess of Iceland and King of Naboo, was given her freedom and race car driving license at age 9, was a bodyguard unable to see windows at 19, was a child robot killer and an adult, cybernetic, child-killer. Unfortunately, Anakin sold his soul for power and was traded by Emperor Lucas to Mickey Mouse for 4 billion credits, once again a white slave.
During a duel with master Obi-wan, he forgot that the high ground gives you a +1 Agility bonus. Able to telepathically feel the suffering of souls light years away, Obi-wan showed his apprentice the Jedi's morally superior philosophy of mercy by cutting him down into a flaming stump and letting him sizzle. No one is really sure why the hell Obi-wan did this to him instead of ending it there; even Han Solo would have done that. Nor do historians know a whiny bitch who threw tantrums could turn into being a total bad-ass, that remains calm while being shocked by thousands of volts of electricity. Spock tried to Jedi mind meld with the Jedi council at their city state on Coruscant, but he got too confused by the councils lack of any logic.
Recovering from his sports injuries, Darth realized his days of murdering a bunch of children in a temple and choking his pregnant wife were behind him, he'd been born again and baptized in lava. Traumatized by the horrors of pregnancy, Vader would never again endanger the life of one of the lifeless, mass produced, artificial wombs used to make the Jedi's army of disposable, child soldier orphans. All though he could just clone himself, kill the clone and transplant his majesties midichlorian filled organs; the dark lord of the Sith was a masochistic Goth and preferred being in constant pain, as long as it also meant being voiced by James Earl Jones instead of being whiny.
Episode 1:The Phantom Fetus
Manaquin Ranma Skywalker was born to Schmee Skywalker when saw a shooting star and wished she had a real boy to call her own. You see in Star War's there's no hanky panky; the stork delivers and decants all consumer class children in artificial wombs to their parents. This is a Disney film remember; there can't be child murdering, kids handling weapons, kids driving without a license, domestic violence, slavery, suggested rape, suggested spice smuggling, shooting first, amputation, gun running, or genocide.
Manaquins childhood was spent hard at work in a sweatshop run by a CGI stereo type named Watto, here learned to make shoddy electronic knock offs of mass produced products, like C3PO's, I-Pod racers, telepathy blocking infantry helmets, and artificial wombs. Than one day his ship came in the form of two cultists, a millionaire, and their servants, a dildo and Bugs Bun Binks, another CGI stereotype who owed them a [[slavery|life debt]; these kidnappers would become Manaquins new family. Apparently the force can't diffuse a bomb inside someone, so Don Juan Jinn gambled their ship for the boys life in a pod race. After an impressive high speeds race sequence through the desert it would all be down hill from here...
As mentioned by Professor Indiana Jones in The Da Vinchi Code, at the time the decadent Jedi counsel employed castrato's in their symphony for that angelic pitch only younglings could reach. Jiminy Cricket said Anakin was already outside of the artificial womb so he was too old to train as a Jedi. To prove himself he stole a Naboo star fighter and brought the council the toaster heads of countless droids, before cutting off his pinky to prove his loyalty to boss Yoda.
Don Juan Jinn was about to teach Anakin the secrets of the force and the yaqui way of knowledge, but although the force was a powerful ally, so was datura and mescallito. Unfortunately Don Juan saw the devil during a bad trip and OD'd while Rent Boy Obi-Wan was passed out from shooting up heroin through his light saber needle leaving Obi Wan to raise the boy in the mystic arts.
Episode II:The Time War
Anakin’s grown up fast, about 3 times faster than everyone else around him as now he is played by a different actor and Padme Mathilda Amidala can have the hots for him now without feeling guilty, but she's a rich senator and he's her peasant bodyguard with magic powers, so it would never work out between them. But it would be hot, like sand. Anakin thinks about sand a lot and how no one treats him like a grown up just because he whines incessantly.
After being given detective lessons by a copy of The Hardy Boys at the Jedi library, Obi-wan comes up with the Jedi rule of two, The Jedi should have have at least 2 copies of their records in case somebody deletes all knowledge of a planet. Obi-Won gets a tip at a diner, and goes to the orphan factories on planet Jurassic Park; where global warming their God Michael Crichton didn't think was real has caused the planets surface to be flooded. Obi-Wan witnesses Jango fett defy the aws of physics with sonic bombs i space and follows him to planet West World, and gets caught by count Dracula.
Manaquin and Padme's idyllic picnicking is interrupted visions of his mother which lead them to her death side and Anakin commences the slaughter of dozens of innocent sand children which is covered up from the nightly news. Anakin and Padme realize neither one of them has any skill at sneaking and they get caught amd thrown into a gladiatorial arena with Obi-Wan for the amusement of a space cowboy and some CGI insects. Miraculously a senate full of thousands of alien species are convinced by Jar Jar to endorse a racist exclusively human private army trained to operate beyond the republic or the Jedi's oversight.
After Anakin and Padme get captured and are about to be sacrificed to the space lions for their faith in the force, they are rescued by what Imperial historians describe as Mace Windu's gang of 100 Jedi, beginning the Clone Wars. Anakin had lost his hand flashing Jedi gang signs to Count Dracula and killed a bunch of bugs and toaster headed robots he gives to Padme as a gift on their wedding night.
The Clone Wars were easily the best years of Anakins life, not only did he not murder any villages of sand people, lose a hand or assault his pregnant wife, but Obi-wan finally started to treat him like an adult because he stopped complaining, he still remembers dismantling evil appliances with Obi-wan and Ashoka the way one might look back fondly at playing college sports. Yup, those were good times, who ever said war was hell and didn't make one great had no idea what they were talking about. Good times...
Episode III:It’s poetry!
After receiving the news that his wife has inoperable force cancer. Anakin starts going goth, murdering old people and children, and dressing in all black. Vader's first attempts at dyeing a black cloak resulted in disaster, forcing him to find employment as a cyborg-fetish rent boy for disfigured evil chancellors. Luckily Vader had C3-PO to teach him the whips and ropes of human cyborg sexual relations.
Pinochio learns that Palpatine might have been the blue fairy that brought him to life, and is the only person who knows medicine that wasn't CGI or a robot. Mannequin is Jedi mind tricked using the psychology of hand waving hypnotism, and like a zombie accepts the chancellors poorly constructed arguments, despite the lack of any evidence. Fortunately the guards were all off duty and no one in the mega city sees the chancellor defenstrate the Jedi master with lightning.
Even though Anakin was pure evil except for the love of his wife, he chooses not to use the amazing medical technology of artificial wombs, cloning, or cybernetics that can save someone that fell into lava to save Padme because...a million vulcans died at this point from the illogic bomb they just dropped.
During a mid life crisis Obi-wan gets jealous of Anakins joy riding skills, so he becomes a the much needed rogue. He pops General Spider-man during a gang war on another dinosaur planet; but than becomes disgusted, because he didn't get to laser shank him. Guns bad, shanking good.
Unfortunately by 2005 Avatar Aang is on the scene and informs Anakin that violence is never the answer, particularly for medical problems. Enraged that a twelve year old makes a better Buddha than him, Anakin preforms a 36th trimester abortion, on 36 children. He doesn't give Padme an Antbortion with the force, or use an artificial womb to release her body of the children that are killing her; because all the artificial wombs got an STD computer virus, and an abortion is an automatic R rating, same as a miscarriage caused by having your limbs chopped off and falling into a pit of lava. This Disney movie about murdering children and slaughtering monks is for children, remember?
A CGI Jimmony cricket and the Emperor than fight over Mannequins hand in celibacy as Obi-wan is sent to the third level of Dante's Inferno and cuts Pinnochio's strings after a 20 minute long boss fight. What he forgot was that Vader had earned enough points opening cans of robot and serving up sand people, bugs, fish businessmen and his wife to gain an extra life.
The moral of this contrived six hour long story: clerical celibacy is all that prevents priests from using their magic powers for personal gain, that the Jedi church ordained women is nothing short of amazing if this is what marriage does to them, it's a good thing Luke never ended up tying the knot, or else everyone in the galaxy would have died for some convoluted reason.
Career in politics
After weeks of extensive micro surgeries and cybernetic physical therapy Vader emerged a new man having become a born again Sith. In The dark lords speech Darth Vader conquers his lava trauma induced speech impediment and tearfully testifies before the U.N. Vader says the Jedi and the Republic were the ones who used orphan factories, even the Separatists at least had the moral decency to use robot factories. Despite rumors, their is no photographic evidence of the Empire having any child clone slaves, genocides against gay robots, alien apartheid, clone trooper employment discrimination or disability architecture code violations.
The U.N. recognized the war crimes of the Republic as Vader signs the declaration for the rights of a child. Now every country had signed the treaty except Iraqis, The United Space States, South Space Sudan and Space Somalia. After all, the dark lord of the Sith wasn't a monster; Darth Vader apparently didn't have Watto killed for owning him and his artificial womb, nor owned slaves himself. As dictator Darth Vader implemented several popular progressive reforms including...
- Issuing fighter pilot licenses for all 9 year old's.
- Legalizing human cyborg relations, including single payer health care for mechanics and robot doctors.
- Declaring mandatory midichlorian blood testing for all elected officials.
- Finally declaring slavery both existent and illegal in the galaxy; shutting down the orphan factories on Kamino.
- Restricting use of the Super Star Destroyer to Imperial personnel only. This was welcome as a measure to curb all the Jedi boy racers jetting around in their pimped-up space-whips.
- Ending all religious wars by declaring all religions illegal and creating the Trade Federation of Planets.
- Encouragement of public defenestrations.
- Discouragement of private defenestrations.
- Adopting a vague position on defenestrations to have taken place from a private building onto a public street and vice-versa.
- Ordering all of Greenland's ice to be shipped to Iraqis and all of the sand in Iraqis to be brought to Greenland, thereby solving the problems of multiple single biome planets at once.
- Threatening to erase Iceland with the Death Star should they not turn off their volcano's at night, which make it hard to observe the stars and their wars.
Episode IV:Abandon all hope.
Although the suit was very stylish for his time, but soon became hideously unpopular with dominatrixes when they'd show up wearing the same outfit to senatorial pimp and ho Bacchinals. Vilified by the opposite sex, and cursed by a voice unsuited for Disney musicals, he started his campaign of kidnapping princess of distant galaxies. Lord Vader collected many a princess, until eventually a farm boy force jumped past him, and used his laser axe to cut down the bridge over the death stars lava reactor. Inside the holding cell wasn't his sister, just a couple of droids who said that their princess was in another death star.
Although Vader appears mobile, he is in fact an elaborate Bunraku puppet, moved by 3 invisible storm troopers. Unable to capture the success of I-III by replacing practical effects with CGI, this was the final entry for the series.
Darth Vader made his living for some time after his political stint as a starving internet artist who drew naked pictures of Jawas, and many examples of his work can be seen today. He believed that his paintings were rejected because the artistic establishment in Munich at the time was run by Jewdis. He justified his Final Solution, the Death Camp Star, with the statement 'From my point of view the Jewdi are evil!'
On September 11th 2001, a 9 year old crashed a Naboo Starfighter going hyperdrive into the galactic senate. Darth Dubya appointed Vader Grand Moff of homeland security. Vader made sure the spaceports would be free of rebel terrorists by creating an elite unit of storm troopers trained in the dark side, known as the TSA. Vader served as Grand Moff until in 2005 when he stepped down from power, following an injury to his robotic hip after defenestrating his Chief of Staff for using Vader's private boy/girls urinal in the Death Star bathroom. He declared whoever could best him at the Star Wars collectable card game would be the new Grand Moff of Homeland Security; it sadly made as much sense as galactic politics ever did in this bad neighborhood of star systems.
Although most believe Lord Vader was electrified to death sticking a fork in a toaster headed robot in an attempt to dig out his Star Wars pop tarts, he is rumored to have resurfaced in the guise of Pope Benedict XVI. Also, Jar Jar Binks & his malformed, semi-robotic lovechild with the Brave Little Toaster, General Grievous, are supposedly working on a way to resurrect him and rule the universe. In the meantime a teaser trailer, featuring music by Mac Hartney (a.k.a. last-generation Sith Darth Paul) has been posted on Vader's eternally dormant internet blog. The resurrection of Darth Vader is believed to be as popular a pastime as trainspotting was for Obi-wan, and has an equally significant role in the real world.
Ralph Nader was good friends with Darth Vader. In 1999, Nader force persuaded Vader to rejoin the dark side. He filed a copyright infringement suit against Ronald Reagan in the 80's for the Strategic Defense Initiative AKA Star Wars, not wanting his name and image used to endorse an orbital laser cannon, just to sell boxes of cereal.
Being made out of them, Darth Vader is the living logo for Lego's.
Save the Vader charity
As many of you may well know Vader is in his mid 40's now so he is extremely old and nearing the end of his life. Our organization is designed to raise money to buy him a new, pink, force powered wheel chair to help him "spread the love" as he often says, so please send as much money to us at.
- Timothy Zahn
- P.O. Box I,II,III
- Coruscant, EU
So please send as much money as you can to the charity, as Vader and his many illegitimate children like throughout Japan and the EU desperately need your help. Children like Jean Luc Picard, Afro Samurai, Samus Aran, Zeus, Master Chief, Cyborg Ninja, Joseph Campbell, Harry Potter, Jordan Campbell, Joseph Campbell, Colonel Roy Campbell, The Campbell's Soup Can, Jessie Pinkman's Roomba, Captain Jack Sparrow, The Tenth Doctor's hand, Robocop, The Juraian Royal Family, The Shredder, Sepheroth, Megaman Zero, The Power Rangers, Kamen Rider, Ultra Man, Char Anzable, Eva Unit-1, The Big O, RX-78-2 Gundam, and countless other Japanese main characters and robots are counting on you for your support.
- Star Wars
- Emperor Palpatine
- Star Wars Marital Aids
- Bea Arthur
- Darth Revan, a much more badass Sith Lord with better taste in masks.