Darth Vader

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Darth Vader eagerly battles the Lollipop Guild.

“No Vader; I am your father.”

Darth Vader is a hard-line, Force-fearing, pro-life, red lightsaber-wielding Star Wars villain who at one point cornered the market on hyphens. Originally named Anakin Skywalker, he whined and complained a lot, until he fell into the galaxy's luckiest lava pit, which made him a foot taller, turned him into a cyborg, and dropped his voice several octaves. Until Lando, Vader was the only black guy in the galaxy, which is why he used the word "master" so much. After realizing Skywalker was just his artificial womb's slave name, Vader briefly took the last name of "X", before realizing it lacked the established brand name recognition.

According to Vader's Encyclopedia Galactica entry by Dark Lord of the Librarians Exar Kun, Anakin was given his freedom from slavery and race car driving license at age 9, when he was just a child robot-killer; was a bodyguard Padawan unable to see windows at 19; was a Jedi Knight at 22; was an adult, cyborg, child-killer from ages 22 until his death at 45, when he had a sudden change of heart and sacrificed himself to save the galaxy; and was a Force Ghost from ages 45 to infinity. Unfortunately, Vader sold his soul for power, and was traded by Emperor Lucas to Mickey Mouse for four billion credits, once again a white slave in Lucas's own words.

Biography

Early life

Babyani

Anakin as a baby.

Anakin was born to Schmee Skywalker when she saw a shooting star and wished she had a real boy to call her own. You see, in Star Wars, there's no hanky-panky; the stork delivers and decants all consumer-class children in artificial wombs to their parents. It's a good thing he wasn't made by a Sith Lord creating life with the Force, because good ol'-fashioned fantasy violence is PG-13, but impregnating someone without their consent magically is rated R for rape. This is a kids' movie about war, remember; there can't be child-murdering, kids handling weapons, kids driving without a license, domestic violence, slavery, suggested rape, suggested spice-smuggling, shooting first, amputation, gun running, or implied alien holocausts.

Anakin's childhood was spent hard at work in a sweatshop run by a CGI Jewish mosquito named Watto. Here he learned how to make shoddy electronic knockoffs of mass-produced products, like C-3POs, iPodracers, telepathy-blocking infantry helmets, and artificial wombs.

Episode I: The Phantom Fetus

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Darth Vader.

Then one day, in Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Fetus, Anakin's ship came in the form of cultists: Queen Padmé Amidala, her Jedi servants Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi, astromech droid R2-D2, and Jar Jar Binks, a CGI Jamaican amphibian who owed the Jedi a life debt; these kidnappers would become Anakin's new family. Apparently the Force can't diffuse a bomb inside someone, so Qui-Gon gambles their ship for the boy's life in a podrace. After an impressive high-speed race sequence through the desert, it would all be downhill from here...

At the time, the decadent Jedi Council employed castratos in their symphony for that angelic pitch only Younglings could reach. Grand Master Yoda, a CGI African-American goblin who speaks in a slurred manner, says that since Anakin is already outside of the artificial womb, he is too old to train as a Jedi. To prove himself, Anakin steals a Naboo starfighter and brings to the Council the toaster-heads of countless droids, before cutting off his pinky to prove his loyalty to Boss Yoda. Qui-Gon intends to teach Anakin the secrets of the Force and the yaqui way of knowledge, but although the Force is a powerful ally, so is datura and mescalito. Unfortunately Qui-Gon sees the Devil during a bad trip and OD'ds, while rent boy Obi-Wan Kenobi is passed out from shooting up heroin through his lightsaber needle, leaving Obi-Wan to raise the boy in the mystic arts.

Episode II: The Time War

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Hayden Christensen as Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode II: The Time War.

In Episode II: The Time War, Anakin's grown up fast — about three times faster than everyone else around him, as now he is played by a different actor, and his old royal babysitter Padmé can have the hots for him now without feeling guilty. However, she's a rich senator and he's her peasant bodyguard with magic powers, so it would never work out between them. But it would be hot, like sand. Anakin thinks about sand a lot, how it's rough and coarse and gets everywhere, and how no one treats him like a grown up just because he whines incessantly.

Obi-Wan heads off on a wild goose chase to find Padmé's assassin, leaving the two to their own devices. Anakin and Padmé's idyllic picnicking is interrupted visions of Anakin's mother which lead them to her death side, and Anakin commences the slaughter of dozens of innocent Sand Children, which is covered up by the nightly HoloNet news on Supreme Chancellor Sheev Palpatine's request. Anakin and Padmé realize neither one of them has any skill at sneaking and they get caught and thrown into a gladiatorial arena with Obi-Wan for the amusement of the Separatists, CGI Asian amphibians who wish to secede from the Republic, and some CGI insects. Miraculously a Senate full of thousands of alien species are convinced by Jar Jar to endorse a racist exclusively human private army trained to operate beyond the Republic or the Jedi's oversight.

After Anakin and Padmé get captured and are about to be sacrificed to the space lions for their faith in the Force, they are rescued by what Imperial historians describe as Mace Windu's gang of 100 Jedi, beginning the Clone Wars. Anakin had lost his hand flashing Jedi gang signs to Separatist leader Count Dooku and killed a bunch of bugs and toaster-headed robots, which he gives to Padmé as a gift on their wedding night.

Clone Wars

The Clone Wars were easily the best years of Anakin's life. Not only did he not murder any villages of Sand People, lose a hand, or assault his pregnant wife, but Obi-Wan finally started to treat him like an adult because he stopped complaining. Anakin still remembers dismantling evil appliances with his apprentice Ashoka "Orange Buttcheeks" Tano (who inexplicably disappeared and was forgotten by Anakin by the time of Episode III) and Obi-Wan, the way one might look back fondly at playing college sports. Yup, those were good times; whoever said war was hell and didn't make one great had no idea what they were talking about. Good times...

Episode III: It's Poetry!

Ep3Hayden

Christensen reprising his role as Anakin in Star Wars Episode III: It's Poetry!.

In Episode III: It's Poetry!, Anakin is troubled by visions of his wife potentially dying in childbirth. He learns that Palpatine, who is now Anakin's close friend, might have been the blue fairy that brought him to life, and is the only person who knows how to save lives that wasn't CGI or a robot. Anakin is Jedi mind-tricked using the psychology of hand-waving hypnotism, and like a zombie accepts the Chancellor's poorly-constructed arguments for joining the Dark Side, despite the lack of any evidence that the Dark Side is actually capable of saving loved ones. He chooses not to just give Padmé an abortion or use an artificial womb, because all the artificial wombs in the Republic got an STD computer virus, and an abortion is an automatic R rating, same as a miscarriage caused by having your limbs chopped off and falling into a pit of lava. After helping Sheev defenestrate Jedi Master Mace Windu with lightning, Anakin is knighted as his Sith apprentice Darth Vader, and starts going goth by murdering children and cowardly amphibian Asian Separatists, wearing yellow eye contacts, and dressing in all-black. This movie about slaughtering monk children and Asian frogs is for children, remember?

Later, after Anakin finishes up killing the Separatist leaders on the lava planet Mustafar, Obi-Wan and Padmé appear on the scene and attempt to convince Anakin that violence is never the answer, especially not for medical problems. Enraged that his Master makes a better Jesus figure than him, Anakin performs a third-trimester abortion on his wife, Force-choking her into unconsciousness even though he was trying to save her for the past two hours. Obi-Wan and Anakin then fight a nine-minute boss battle in the third level of Dante's Inferno; at the end of the duel, Obi-Wan jumps from a platform up to a steeper embankment, and Anakin arrogantly follows, forgetting that the high ground gives you a +1 Agility bonus. Able to telepathically feel the suffering of souls lightyears away, Obi-Wan shows his apprentice the Jedi's morally superior philosophy of mercy by cutting him down into a flaming stump and letting him sizzle. No one is really sure why Obi-Wan did this instead of just ending it there, nor do galactic historians know how a whiny bitch who threw tantrums could turn into a total badass that remains calm while being shocked by thousands of volts of electricity.

What Obi-Wan forgot was that Anakin had earned enough points opening cans of robot and serving up sand people, bugs, amphibian Asian businessmen, and his wife to gain an extra life. Sheev rescues Anakin and rebuilds him as a black armor-clad samurai cyborg, completing his slow transition into Darth Vader, and together they rule the newly-formed Galactic Empire.

The moral of this contrived two-hour-long story: clerical celibacy is all that prevents priests from using their magic powers for personal gain. That the Jedi Church ordained women is nothing short of amazing; if this is what marriage does to them, it's a good thing Luke never ended up tying the knot, or else everyone in the galaxy would've died for some convoluted reason.

Imperial politics

Darth Vader Recruitment

Uncle Sam, eat your heart out. KALI-MA!

After weeks of extensive microsurgeries and cybernetic physical therapy, Darth realized his days of murdering a bunch of children in a temple and choking his pregnant wife were behind him. Recovering from his sports injuries, Vader emerged a new man, having become a born-again Sith after being baptized in lava. Traumatized by the horrors of pregnancy, Vader would never again endanger the life of one of the lifeless, mass-produced artificial wombs used to make the Jedi's army of disposable, child soldier orphans. Although he could just clone himself, kill the clone, and transplant his majesty's midichlorian-filled organs, the Dark Lord of the Sith was a masochistic goth, and preferred being in constant pain, as long as it also meant being voiced by James Earl Jones instead of being whiny.

In The Dark Lord's Speech, Vader conquers his lava trauma-induced speech impediment and tearfully testifies before the Empire. He says the Jedi and the Republic were the ones who used orphan factories, and even the Separatists at least had the moral decency to use robot factories. Despite rumors, there is no photographic evidence of the Empire having any child clone slaves, genocides against gay robots, alien apartheid, clone trooper employment discrimination, or disability architecture code violations. Like Toyomoti Hideyoshi, at the end o the galactic warring state period daimyo Darth Vader unified the empire with his blade and ended the slavery of clone troopers.

The Empire recognized the war crimes of the Republic as Vader signed the declaration for the rights of a child. Now every planet in the Empire had signed the treaty (except Rebel scum-infested planets like Atollon, Dantooine, Hoth, and Yavin). After all, the Dark Lord of the Sith wasn't a monster; Vader apparently didn't have Watto killed for owning him and his artificial womb, nor did he own slaves himself. As dictator, Vader implemented several popular progressive reforms, including:

  • Issuing fighter pilot licenses for all nine-year-olds.
  • Legalizing human cyborg relations, including single-payer healthcare for mechanics and robot doctors.
  • Declaring mandatory midichlorian blood testing for all elected officials.
  • Finally declaring slavery both existent and illegal in the galaxy; shutting down the orphan factories on Kamino.
  • Restricting use of the Super Star Destroyer to Imperial personnel only. This was welcome as a measure to curb all the Jedi boy racers jetting around in their pimped-up space-whips.
  • Ending all religious wars by declaring all religions illegal and creating the Trade Federation of Planets.
  • Encouragement of public defenestrations.
  • Discouragement of private defenestrations.
  • Adopting a vague position on defenestrations to have taken place from a private building onto a public street and vice-versa.
  • Ordering all of Hoth's ice to be shipped to Tatooine and all of the sand in Tatooine to be brought to Hoth, thereby solving the problems of multiple single-biome planets at once.
  • Threatening to erase Endor with the Death Star should they not turn off their crying mountains at night, which make it hard to observe the stars and their wars.

In 11 BBY, a nine-year-old crashed a Naboo starfighter going hyperdrive into the Galactic Senate, like poetry; thus, Palpatine appointed Vader Grand Moff of Homeland Security. Vader made sure the spaceports would be free of Rebel terrorists by creating an elite unit of stormtroopers trained in the Dark Side, known as the TSA. Vader served as Grand Moff until 9 BBY when he stepped down from power, following an injury to his robotic hip after defenestrating his Chief of Staff for using Vader's private urinal in the Death Star bathroom.

Episode IV: Abandon All Hope

Episodes IV–VI were released on vinyl albums as a three-disk JRPG for home computers in the late '70s and early '80s by LucasSoft. This new trilogy was unable to capture the success of Episodes I–III due to replacing CGI with practical effects, as well as swapping out the prequels' nuanced "shades of grey" storyline of political corruption in favor of a generic black-and-white "good vs. evil" story, receiving negative reviews and nearly killing the franchise until Disney bought it at a garage sale. Although in this trilogy Vader appears mobile, he is in fact an elaborate Bunraku puppet, moved by three invisible stormtroopers.

Disk one, set nineteen years after Episode III, begins with Princess Leia being taken from her airship by the dragon knight Darth Vader and his orc troopers, who bring the princess to his castle in the sky to try and make her his bride through the use of foot massages, comfy chairs, and the serving of tea and crumpets. Buckling from the enhanced interrogation, Leia is forced her to reveal her homeworld of Alderaan as the fake location of the Rebel base, and Vader burns it to the ground with his colossal magic crystal. The princess is then rescued by Luke Skywalker, a filthy peasant from a planet where there's not enough water to take a bath, and his gang of misfits. Veteran battle mage Obi-Wan Kenobi, who was helping to train Luke, causes a diversion crossing paths and blades in the dragon's den with Vader one last, allowing himself to be eaten and letting the others flee.

Luke and his fellow pubescent Rebels ride Gryphons as they lead an attack on Vader's castle. Vader flaps his wings close behind Luke roasting his wingman Biggs, though luckily not Wedge, with fireballs, until suddenly Luke's smuggler friend Han Solo shows up and shakes Vader off the boy's tail, allowing Skywalker to blow up the castle. Han fires at Vader's TIE fighter, causing it to hurtle off into space at such an incredible rate of speed that Vader could not return until a sequel was in the works, at the very earliest.

Vader and PHILIPS

Vader's world approves, please love use with the PHILIPS fluorescent lamp!

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Gold

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Vader attempts to convince his estranged son about the benefits of cybernetic refittings.

In disc two, Vader breaches the Rebel base on Hoth, a planet of eternal snow, forcing to evacuate, splitting up the party. Leia, Chewie, Threepio, and Han head to Cloud City on Bespin to assemble an army, as Luke goes with R2 to the swamp planet Dagobah to find Yoda the swamp sage.

On Cloud City, Solo is betrayed by his old friend, Lando Calrissian, the only black guy in the galaxy other than Mace Windu. Han is turned to stone by Vader and handed over to the masked bishounen bounty hunter Boba Fett, to be made into a sculpture hung on Jabba the Hutt's wall, as Luke arrives at the tower of Bespin and enters a rigged boss fight he can't possibly hope to win. Luke demonstrates that unlike most RPG characters he can jump now, but Vader is merely toying with him as he knocks him out a window flinging objects at him while flapping his wings, breathing fire balls between raspy breaths. Excalibur and Masamune clash but soon Vader has Luke pinned over a bottomless well and bites off his hand, asking what Obi-Wan told him about his father; Luke says he ate him, Vader shakes his head no, and says he is his father.

Luke is a bit confused because Obi-Wan told him all sorts of funny stories about Anakin as an incompetent-yet-powerful mad clown. Vader explains how when Obi-Wan knocked him into that lava pit, it awakened his inner black dragon nature and he shapeshifted a couple inches taller and got a deeper voice. Luke screams how that isn't possible in-between snickering what a dumbass Anakin was, as he plummets to the bottom of the floating tower until being rescued by Leia and Lando, who decided to turn good at the last minute. Luke is given a new enchanted armor hand, but they don't gain any exp and Han and all of his equipment are gone as is Luke's Excalibur. Insert disk three.

Episode VI: Revenge of the Jedi

Disk three begins as Vader and his boss Emperor Palpatine, alias Darth Sidious the Hideous, oversee construction of a second evil floating castle, over the forest moon of Endor housing millions of sentient teddy bears known as Ewoks. Luke returns to Dagobah to find master Yoda dying, telling him that his training will be complete when Vader is no more. Luke than goes straight into the belly of the beast and proceeds to be lectured by Sheev, who forces him to fight Vader to compete for the title of his apprentice. Realizing that Leia is Luke's twin sister, indicating that all the romance they had in the first two movies was incestuous, Vader threatens to turn her to the dark side if Luke will not submit. Furious, Luke overpowers Vader and severs his father's robotic hand. Sheev orders Luke to kill Vader and take his place, but Luke resists the Dark Side, and in response, Emperor tortures him with Force lightning.

With the other two distracted, Vader leaves the room to take a shower (how, I do not know), only to discover that Sheev used up all the hot water. Jerk! After taking a very cold shower, Vader gets upset and walks back into the throne room to file a complaint with his boss. To his surprise, Darth S. was still tazing Luke and was now saying cruel "Yo Mama" jokes at him. This made Luke cry. Vader really had not had much contact with Luke, but on one unforgettable occasion the king of the pubescent geeks gave him an Arby's coupon for a free meal. Of course, he shared it with Sheev before they got back to the Death Star and... we really do not have to go into this. But Vader was able to feel some sympathy for Luke. Plus he had a mother who was H-O-T with a capital "H". Vader could still remember the time when the two... again, we really do not have to go into this. So Vader started getting angry because the Yo Mama jokes were just unfair! Could not Sheev think of the time when he and Padmé went to the Naboo Politician's Conventions together and they...gee, that girl gets around! Finally, Vader could not take it anymore, and after a particularly bitchy line from Sheev, he grabs him and says:

“You're dissing my wife, and my son! Well, say 'Hello' to my little friend: Mr. Pit.”

Although Luke successfully summons his father, unfortunately, Vader forgot he was mostly made of metal and while he was throwing the Emperor down the Death Star throne rooms magic crystal reactor pit, he got caught in the line of fire and was shocked by Sheev's Thundaga. Depleted of HP and MP Luke then took off Vader's mask to see his father was a mere hard-boiled egg with scars all over his face and not James Earl Jones, this makes Luke cry cuing the ending cut scene where Luke stops the Death Star from falling onto the moon's surface with some help from a few force ghosts. Ultimately, Vader died to save the whiny son of his whiny counterpart from his own daddy Sheev, like poetry.

Legacy

Upon Vader's death, many fanboys got angry that their favorite badass was gone forever. They therefore prayed to Kyle Katarn to revive Darth Vader. Katarn refused to do it unless exactly one million fans prayed to him (since Darths are bad and all...), but after the one millionth fan, Lord Darth Evil Colossal Nightmare Devastator Obliterator Rex, called out, Katarn decided to repair Vader's injuries and bring the Sith Lord back to life. Unfortunately, SuperShadow, unaware of Vader's revival, prayed as well shortly afterwards, and upon hearing SuperShadow, Katarn killed Vader once again.

Many Neo-Imperials and Imperial sympathizers deny the "official" media-sanctioned story that Vader died while betraying the Empire, instead choosing to believe that he was electrified to death while sticking a fork in a toaster-headed robot in an attempt to dig out his Star Wars pop tarts. Numerous Vader fanboys are supposedly working on a way to resurrect him so that the Empire can rule the galaxy once more. In the meantime, a teaser trailer has been posted by fans on Vader's eternally-dormant Internet blog The Deathly Starmer, giving the promise of his eventual return. The resurrection of Vader is believed to be as popular a pastime as trainspotting was for Obi-Wan, and has an equally significant role in the real world.

Personality and traits

As a hyperactive nine year old child Anakin excelled at anything resembling playing video games, however as a nineteen year old he realized he sucked at basic social interactions like listening to women and interrogating information from enemy combatants. Really the Jedi should have never let him be in the army and the air force, he never really murdered a bunch of people needlessly as a pilot, space Vietnam was an actual police action by space cops that blew up no ones house, unlike the regular one.

As an awesome cyborg, Vader realized he had a penchant for blowing up planets and enjoyed long walks in the parks of Imperialized planets feeding the space ducks. It's more likely Vader's junk just melted off turning him into an angry eunich without much of a sex drive than that he actually loves Padme enough to never look for another person to "love" like her and confess his multiple murders in cold blood, and have someone to choke like a paranoid pimp who thinks his woman is cheating on him or a little brother afraid that his older brother is going to steal his girlfriend. Luckily Vader never learned to use the force to impregnate women like how he was apparently made by some Sith Lord force impregnating his mom.

Vader made his living for some time during his political stint as a starving internet artist who drew naked pictures of Jawas, and many examples of his work can be seen today. He believed that his paintings were rejected because the artistic establishment on Coruscant at the time was run by Jewdis. He justified his Final Solution, the Death Camp Star, with the statement "From my point of view the Jewdi are evil!"

Vader had many talents but being the world's greatest detective was not one of them; he never bothered to get Padmé's body autopsied after her funeral to determine she had been given extensive medical treatment, and he never figured out that Obi-Wan hid his son with his stepbrother and his daughter with the Emperor's greatest political opponent until he saw the name "Skywalker" on a HoloNet News report about the blowing-up of the Death Star.

Endorsements

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Vader's shameful later years.

Vader filed a copyright infringement suit against Ronald Reagan in the '80s for the Strategic Defense Initiative aka "Star Wars", not wanting his name and image used to endorse an orbital laser cannon, just to sell boxes of cereal. Being made out of them, Vader is also the living logo for Legos.

Behind the scenes

Darth Vader was voiced by none other than James Earl Jones (also known as the announcer for HoloNet programs like The Bothan Times and Yipee! News). The actor in the suit was Dave Prowse, one of those bodybuilder types who always gets the non-speaking roles. For lesser roles, such as badly-dubbed Japanese Star Wars fighting games with overly-long Engrish names, Darth's own brother Chad Vader supplied his voice. Which is kind of a paradox, I suppose, since Chad is in the same universe and all... best not to think about it.

General consensus holds that Vader is the most badass mofo in the history of the Star Wars universe, even after his NOOOOOOOOO! incident and the other damage done to his reputation by the prequel trilogy and the mainstream media.

Wookiepedia doesn't want Vader to have his own page anymore. The Dark Lord has yet to smite the Wookiepedians responsible for this, but for now, he just uses Wikipedia instead because it's more evil and suits him better. Although many erroneously think Darth Vader was some white guy who obtained breathing problems and burn wounds from falling in lava, the truth is, behind that mask he's really Richard Pryor and caught himself on fire.

See also

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