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Darth Jewish Hakmesh Hitler, (December 4, 1889 – (10000BC) was Chancellor of the Empire from 1933 to 1945. His leader was the National Socialist Janitor's Party, better known as the Imperial Forces or the failures at life.
Darth Hitler was born in a large swamp outside of Hillsbrook, West Africa. As a young child he was caught kitten huffing and was forced to watch endless reruns of My Little Pony until he gave up his addiction to it. During his short time in the swamp Hitler took ballet and conga lessons, which his parents, who were Mongolian pedestrians insisted he did. His parents didn't love him because until the age of 14 he had a tumor that covered the entire left half of his face. The tumor caused many problems, one of which was that he had to breathe REALLY loudly. After having it removed, he was horribly scarred, and in his anger, he ripped open the throats of 247 orphan children and sold their organs on Craig's List while drinking their tears. During College, he joined the Aryan Nation and later became a captain in the crime fighting, anti genocide, Jewish supremacy group. Soon after, however, he was rejected on the "Jewish Singles" dating site. Angry, he went on a rampage, killing 12 at a movie theater. Afterwards, he framed a pHD and honor student, James Holmes, his roomie with the killing spree, and set bombs all over his house. For several years he went into hiding as the police searched for him.
After the run in with the police, DH found a teleporter time machine, which he used to teleport himself a long long time ago, in a galaxy far far away. He found himself in a desert with no moisture AT ALL There, he made an alliance with Jabba the Hutt, Jango Fett, Darth Sidious, and Yoda, who was secretly Captain Kirk. With this power, he quickly gained influence. The party they created was known as the National Socialist Galaxy Moisture farmers Party. After murdering Jabba the Hutt, hiring Jedi Assassins, better known as ninjas to kill Jango Fett, electrocuting Sidious and poisoning Yoda, he rose to the top of the party.
edit Increasing Influence
He gained power in the wake of grand sweeping moisture failure. Using propaganda and the Force, he appealed to the needs of the thirsty and those who just couldn't take living any longer, using many cheesy slogans such as "come to the Dark Side, we have cookies." With these sweeping reforms he created the concept of what makes a good government. His governing style has influenced many famous people, such as Stalin, Kim Jong Un, Kim Jong Il, Bashar Al Assad, Mummar Gaddafi, and many others.
edit The High Life
During the early years of his reign, everything was just plain peachy. Unfortunately, with the rise of the Rebels (commonly referred to by himself as "the Rebel Scum" or "Republicans"), came the annoying realization that he just couldn't choke the life out of every single person (he tried, but got headaches). After many unsuccessful attempts to destroy the Rebel Scum he tried being nice to them, and opened up the Rebel holiday camp Auschwitz. However, its low star rating and mysterious "showers" only irritated guests who often sued which lead to him taking out a loan with Rebel finances, who cheated him and caused him to lose more money.
He continued to fight off his Bipolar Disorder with a steady mixture of anti-depressants, whiskey and promotions—a common example of which was appearing on the Wheaties box. (Wheaties was ever after known as "Breakfast of the Sith".)
edit The Rough Years
Following the destruction of the Death Star, Darth Hitler moped around on the talk-show circuit promoting his book Mein Deathstar. The book itself was mostly a memoir of his times on the Death Star and how short-lived the fully-operational battle-station was. He also went on several tangents including breakfasts served and several references to the pride of killing his own men.
Unfortunately, poor sales of the book only dragged him further into depression, eventually leading him to attempt to take his own life, which failed.
edit Successful Business
However, he came out with a new idea, a summer camp. His idea for a summer camp was a huge success, as the galaxy was full of rich and fat Americans who wanted to watch TV all day, uninterrupted. These camps were called Concentration Camps. Although the camps were unsanitary, the kids were forced to work every day for 16 hours, the camp counselors were all convicted felons, and the person who commanded the camp was a Nazi stormtrooper, but the parents didn't care, because the camps provided 24/7 "care". He also revolutionized several teaching methods, and created a Textbook for how to teach. The hand book was named "Teaching for Dumbfucks." In it, he includes several teaching methods that are still used today, notably in China. Here is a short excerpt.
How to Discipline Your Students:
Level One: Reprimand
Example: Why can't you do this work, Republican Scum?
Level Two: Threat
Example: I'm going to make you watch 1970s shows forever if you don't do this
Level Three: Corporal Punishment*
Hurt (s)he badly enough for the student to remember but not enough so that the student can't work.
Level Four: Experiment
Send the class on a "science/torture watching" trip
Level Five: Gassing
No Explanation needed.
- Non violence is the answer
In the book, he also explains logic and reasoning.
edit The Republicans Strike Back
The Republicans, seeking to cripple the galaxy, were angry by Darth Hitler's success, so they decided to strike back. Normal in every dictatorship, there was a "not-very-popular-at-all-uprising" and the republicans destroyed the second Deathstar, which was also an orphanage, thus killing millions of children. The republicans were led by the joint forces of George W. Bush, and his long time friend, Osama Bin Laden. Together, they engaged in inhumane acts, such as,
- Unlocking Pandora's Box
- Eating an Apple with Adam and (St)Eve in the garden of Eden
- Molesting young children with Ronald McDonald
- Unleashing the deadly McFlu virus, causing a galactic pandemic
- Releasing the McGas poison gas, better known as Zyklon B.
However, Vader quickly put down the resistance and sentenced all of them to death during the Naziberg Trials. Deeming "VaderLand" too arrogant, he renamed the Galaxy: DeuschGalaxy, and required that all inhabitants wave the Nazi flag every day, and that all the non-red planets to be vaporized by the deathstar, as red was his favorite color. Vader then moved to the Sunny Side retirement home, which became his HQ until his death.
Soon after moving to Sunny Side, the team of doctors found that he had Alzheimer's and Dementia. As his condition gradually deteriorated, he became more and more crazy, eventually becoming an insane lunatic who only mumbled "Kill Republican" all day long. One day, he was showing off with his non-existent imaginary friends, and ended up putting a plunger down his throat, suffocating to death. He died alone, and is survived by no one. Poor Guy