Darren Fletcher

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Why's that guy on the pitch?Because he scored 2 goals in Fa Cup against Arsenal(loosers)That's why...

[edit] Childhood

Young Darren Fletcher grew up in Detroit, where he quickly became accustomed to life on the streets, the criminal underworld and keepin' it real in general. As he matured he came to be more respected, amassed a large number of hos, and accumulated more turf. However, as time went by and his reputation grew, a certain Jose.M brought it to the attention of Fletcher's fellow dowgs that he was of Scottish origin. His 'realness' was immediately questioned, and Fletcher was accused of bringing the hood into disrepute. He received a 3 day ban and, when he did return, was rejected by the hoodrats for ungentlemanly behaviour in lying about his roots. He subsequently got upset and decided to return home to Scotland to meet his natural parents, Lorraine Kelly and Eeyore of Winnie the Pooh fame.

[edit] The Flight Home

Darren Fletcher attempted to book his ticket home to Scotland but it is widely rumoured that his tickets were mixed up with those of Ronald De Boer. Whilst De Boer somehow ended up playing for Scottish football team Rangers, Fletch managed to blag his way into Manchester United, a club that usually hires footballers, not descendants of the common donkey. Fletcher, unfortunately, never made it to Scotland.

[edit] Fakin' it in the Big League

So Fletch made it to Manchester, and was greeted by a waiting limousine, complete with driver. 'Ask no questions I tell no lies' has always been old Fletch's philosophy, and so he entered the limo without question. Before he knew it he was face to face with Fergie, who reportedly exclaimed that he was "whiter" and "a bit more gawky" than he had expected, but nonetheless ushered Darren into Old Trafford, or HQ. Cut forward a few months, and Fletch was playing for United day in day out in one of their few trophyless seasons. Soon a fan favourite, the Stretford end would belt out support for Darren on a regular basis, songs including "what the fuck, what the fuck, what the fuckin hell is that?" when confronted with his face, as well as "he must be bumming Fergie" whenever he was announced in the line-up. Fletch won a host of player of the month awards, most of which threw into the crowd to celebrate (causing 7 deaths, 16 injuries and one case of tuberculosis) and even became the first player to receive a manager of the month award without managing, due to his extreme on-pitch presence.

[edit] The End

With such amazing talent, combined with his boyish good looks and mainstream media appeal, Fletch was never destined to be refined to a sell-out 75,000 capacity crowd each week. As the sponsorship deals with Adidas, D&G and The Independent flooded in (he was also renowned for his intelligence, second only to Stephen Hawking), it became clear that Fletcher, among the likes of Wayne Rooney, Cristiano Ronaldo and Rio Ferdinand, was a big fish in a small pond. He discussed contracts with Real Madrid, Barcelona and Juventus before deciding to create the European Super XI FC. The team would consist of Sepp Blatter as chairman, a combination of Arsene Wenger, Sir Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho as managers, and a "half decent squad" (as Fletch put it) that included Ronaldinho, Gianluca Zambrotta and Cristiano Ronaldo, with Fletch assuming the obvious captaincy. However, things turned sour. As Europe struggled to pay Fletch the £6.2 mil p/week written into his contract, Fletch decided to play when he felt like it. On Sat 1st of March 2007, Fletch, being the big-hearted soul that he is, decided to skip the European Super XI vs The Rest of the World FC and instead opted to visit his home town Detroit for some charity work. Unfortunately, his FletchJet reached speeds of 9,000 mph, and he was killed as he crashed into an oncoming FletchRocket, a shuttle he had designed that was flying to discover new renewable sources of energy. He remains an Old Trafford legend. God rest his soul.