Darlington

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Skerne

The River Skerne.

Darlington, commonly known as Darlo, is a small town in the North East of England. It is situated on the banks of the picturesque River Skerne which is famed for the healing properties of its waters. The town has a fierce and eternal rivalry with the nearby village of Hartlepool.

History

Foundation

Darlington was founded in 1969 as a nuevo-spa town designed to rival the nearby nuclear village of Hartlepool by local philanthropist Joseph Pease, inheritor of the Pease pudding dynasty.

Recent history

Darlington has recently suffered at the hands of overpaid town planners and architects who bulldozed the historic heart of Darlington and replaced it with a trendy development named the Gob of Darlington.

Etymology

There are several theories as to how the town came to be known as Darlington, one being that it was named in honour of H.E. Bates 1959 novel, The Darling Buds of May, another popular theory is that it was named after tragic financial engineer Alistair Darling.

Population

Darlington has a population of 25,499[1]. There are a wide range of ethnic groups in Darlington, the predominant local ethnic group are the Scallies but there are also large enclaves of Doyles, Chavs, Scroats, Rarfs, Dings and Charvers.

There has been a lot of inward migration into Darlington in recent decades, which now hosts several immigrant communities, necessitating translation of all council documentation into foreign languages such as Geordie, Mackem, Smoggy and Yorkshire bumpkin.

Tourism

Darlington has a thriving tourist economy, visitors come from all over Europe to bathe in the healing waters of the River Skerne and to marvel at the beauty of the nearby nature reserves of Skerne Park and Firth Moor.

During the summer months it is possible to witness historic local customs such as incoherent shouting, synchronised vomiting and the drunken bottling of innocent passers by on Victoria Road.

Public transport

Railways

It is rumoured that the first public railway began serving Darlington in 1825, but since this was 144 years before the foundation of the town it is clear that only unreliable sources such as Wikipedia could be taken in by such blatant and egregious lies.[2] The origins of the rumour seem to stem from childish and unrealistic boasts made to make the town look better than Hartlepool.

Buses

In the early 1990s after the deregulation of the buses the population of Darlington suffered huge casualties in the "Bus wars". At least 30,000 people were killed as privatised bus companies employed mercenary armies to carry out terrorist attacks against rival services. Eventually the buses became so heavy with armour plating that they became uneconomical to run and the bus companies abandoned Darlington, leaving the locals to rely on the River Skerne gondola service to get about.

Amenities and attractions

In recent years civic pride has risen in Darlington, as each and every inhabitant now has a seat at the 25,500 capacity Reynolds Arena where they can watch top quality football, although less than 0.01% of the population currently seem to be able to afford the £5.00 annual season ticket. Another source of civic pride is a massive pile of bricks near the A66.

Other local attractions include the Scotch Corner and Barton lorry park UNESCO World Heritage sites and the Darlington Museum of the Mechanical Horse.

Sport

800px-Darlington arena 001

The Reynolds Arena record attendance pictured in 2009.

Darlington is home to Darlington F.C. which one of the most successful clubs in the history of English football. Darlington F.C. have won many honours including seven consecutive Reynolds awards for playing in the most pointlessly oversized stadium.

The Reynolds Arena record attendance of 41 (including players, substitutes, managers, referee, linesmen and stewards) was set in 2009.

Local rivalry

Darlington has a long standing rivalry with Hartlepool, it has been suggested that this rivalry stems from jealously at the superior amenities available to the people of Hartlepool such as their town centre nuclear reactor and their world famous monkey sanctuary.

It is often claimed that Hartlepudlians are jealous of Darlington's history of developing pioneering inventions such as the mechanical horse and the fully automatic shop. Hartlepudlians have been known to sabotage Darlington's automatic shop by depositing items such as half eaten kebabs, vomit and urine in the dispensing tray.

Politics

The current mayor of Darlington is Lord Vic Reeves who rescued Darlington from the evil tyranny of Roy "Chubby" Brown, who was installed as Overlord of Darlington by bus company Ragecoach during the Bus wars.

Darlington's MP between 1997 and 2010 was Alan "Privatiser" Burnmill who secretly sold most of the NHS to his mates and now rakes it in sitting on the board of directors for the same companies he sold it to.

Chooching

In 2009 Darlington Council decided to set up a website called the Darlington Experiment 2.0[3] to rival Youtube and Twitter as a desperate attempt to make the town look better than Hartlepool. They decided that addidng posts to the "Darlington experiment" would be nicknamed "chooching" and posters would be refered to as "choochers" harking back to the towns fictional invention of the public railway.[4]

Unfortunately the simpletons at Darlington Council forgot to Google "chooching" before they printed up all of the promotional material. Residents of Darlington were sickened when they read about the experiment, as any idiot knows that "chooching" means to masterbate while crying.[5]

Trade and Industry

60163 Tornado

"Tornado" was completed 59 years after the A1 was officially discontinued thanks to the workshy nature of the Darlingtonians that built it.

Darlington is Europe's largest producer of huge chavvy earrings, amphetamines and inca hats. The town has an exceptionally low unemployment rate for the North East of only 85%.

Darlingtonians are famously workshy, this is best illustrated by the late completion of the 60163 A1 Peppercorn Class 60163 "Tornado" steam locomotive in 2008. It eventually steamed out of its Darlington workshop 59 years after the A1 was officially discontinued, 48 years after the last steamtrain was produced elsewhere in the UK and 40 years after steam trains were phased out completely by British Rail. Due to the closure of the rest of the British train building industry since the 1960s Tornado is currently the newest train to have been built in the UK,[6] yet another source of civic pride for Darlington.

The UK government once bribed Fushitsu hundreds of millions of pounds to set up a factory near Darlington, but Fushitsu executives found it difficult learning how to speak Scally, they appointed Jeremy Kyle as an interpreter, but the enterprise failed due to the workshy nature of the locals and Fushitsu's desire to do a runner back to Japan with all the bribe money.
The Darlington Stock Market is affectionately known as Hogans and is situated near the railway station.

References

Bouncywikilogo8
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Darlington.
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