Dark Messiah of Might and Magic

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Dark Messiah of Might and Magic
Messiah Logo
Dark Messiah Game Cover
Developer(s) Killed in Riot
Release date 2006
Genre Hack and Kick
Platform(s) Microsoft Windows XP, Nintendo Gamecube, Nintendo Wee
Rating 3rd degree G.E.E.K (Giga Extra Extra Krap)
Would Hillary Clinton play it? Evil Factor = 9.5/10

Dark Messiah of Might and Magic is a fourth person hack and kick HAK. But it´s most commonly known as "Sir Kicksalot Deathboot in the World of Conspicuously Placed Spikes Ramps, Fires, Kickable Barrels and Breakable Shelves". The game is said even by the creator himself to be mostly bug-filled manure.

edit Skills

There are many skills in Dark messiah of might and magic. Most of them weapon skills.

Sword skills: The most used skill in the world, mostly referred to as "Great, I can hack and slash faster now".

Dagger skills: Skills for those who like to sneak, but since the sneak skill is useless, this weapon skill is referred to as "Tooth Picking skill".

Staff skills: We still don´t know why the creator put this shit into the game. It is said to be good at striking a group of enemies to the ground, but since no one in his right freaking mind brings a twig to a swordfight, this skill is often followed by general pwnage dealt by your enemies. Referred to as "I think not".

Stealth skills Generally coupled with dagger skills, these skills also suck.

Foot skillsUpgrading this allows you to set your foot on fire, increase maximum kick length and speed and set your kick on lighting. The highest level skills are vampiric kick,

Magic skills: The total ownage skill in every non-shitty game. But that was changed in Dark Messiah of might and magic, since the only spells the player can ever learn are the useless "Summon Chicken" or "Dark Vision" (which ironically paints the world around you in blue, not dark). Referred to as "Developer Humor", although also known as "WTF".

edit Other skills

Dark Messiah of Might Magic 2

The player (right) delivering a kick.

Bug skills: In the world of very conveniently placed spikes there will be many bugs to exploit. If u get good at this skill u can even easier crash your own computor or get known by Valve admins as "luring our VAC system which is the best" which will result in a permanent ban plus plenty of virus spam.

Sneak skills: Get good at this and you can get the best skill of them all, in line with the games chicken-theme, namely the Giant Chicken Suit haxx, which doesn´t fool a single foe, just makes you look even more ridiculous when you get creamed. But hey, it's funny! ...Right?

Cooking skills: Don´t get too excited when you see the skill name... In fact, this skill only sounds cool. It doesn´t do so much except waste your skill points, I mean what do you need food for? You are a freaking action hero. You can even see your own feet! PURE PWNAGE!!!!1!!1

Kicking skills: Probably the most useful skill in the whole game. Since you always kick people left and right you probably would do best to upgrade this skill early. Or just grab your sword and chop their heads off, it works well too. At maximum level you get Dhalsim feet and can dropkick whoever you want from across the map.

Phantom skills: Summon the awesome power of the phantom and randomly spew out old jungle sayings such as "When the phantom asks a questions, The phantom expects and answer". All foes present within a 200 yard radius are instantly phantomised.

edit Foes of the world:

In the game you will encounter many different foes, but don´t worry about them. You will get killed anyways. 

Goblins: Also referred to as "NERDS" (Nooby Examples of Retarded Disco Statues). These green asshole-things know how to party!

Orcs: These fellas are strange creatures... mostly because they are red like firemen and are resistant to fire because of that. So, if you want to kill them, don´t push them from a cliff into a lake of lava... wont do any damage at all. Instead toss a box or two at their heads and you will soon notice how effective a box can be compared to heat that melts steel.

Bugs: Bugs are the invisible enemy within Dark Messiah of Might and Magic. This deadly enemy is the most insidious. Bugs attack at any time. Attacks include: hard lockups, damaged save files, and the "Fatal Error" attack. The only known method to defeat this enemy is as follows:

  • Press the eject button on you CD/DVD-ROM drive.
  • Remove the game disk.
  • Grasp the disk with you fingers on the outside disk edge.
  • Apply pressure to the disk, folding it in half until it shatters.
  • Pick up the pieces (after your rage subsides).
  • Place the pieces in a nearby toilet.
  • Proceed to urinate and/or defecate (your choice).
  • Flush
  • Wait...
  • Locate the blueprints for the city´s sewage system and find out at what water plant the pieces end up.
  • Hire a squadron of mercenary F-15´s equipped with bunker busters.
  • Level the damn place.
  • Plow sulfur into the ground where the plant stood. Nothing must grow...
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