Gears of War
Box Artwork
Developer(s) God Himself
Release date 2009
Genre 5th Person Decapitator
Platform(s) Xbox 360, Microsoft Windows, iTunes
Rating R
Would Jimmy Hoffa play it? LOL

Dark Sector is a video game by 5th Person Decapitator released in 2009 by God Himself. A primitive alpha-version of the game was released in 2006 as a joke under the title Gears of War, which became so popular that God saw real commercial potential for a final version.



Some of the monochrome enemies encountered in the beginning of the game

The game begins with the player, who bears a striking resemblance to John Connor, being dropped into monochrome Nazi Germany. The player must find a hostage, rescue him, and then shoot him.

After that, the player shoots a helicopter out of the sky with a RPG and kills 30 Nazis--all with perfect head-shots. He is then attacked by a Terminator, who was sent back through time to kill him. The player fires a rocket at the Terminator, who repels it right back at the player with the air attack, thereby adding +25 to his battle skills.

The player jumps off a cliff to dodge the deflected rocket, and lands on the bottom unconscious. When the player comes to, 100 years have elapsed and now the world is in full color. The Nazi stuff was a dream, and you dream in black-and-white. The color motif is perfect to portray the modern world, as everything seems to be covered in gangrene.

During this phase of the game, the player acquires a large, razor-sharp, throwable weapon called the Glade. This Glade is no mere air freshener, but the player wishing to mask the smell of the gangrene can see scented air fresheners plugged into many of the walls, which can be activated by a throw of the Glade to enable escape from some tight spots.

The remainder of the game involves carefully navigating diverse environments and terrains, decapitating zombies all along the way. The player must also beat several bosses, including ogres, helicopters, bigger ogres, other gangrene victims, Michael Scott, and Bowser. Toward the end of the game, the player is cloned and then forced to have an epic battle with himself. Gaming fans with schizophrenia always find this level problematic.

The final scene is a spaceship infested with yet more gangrene. The player must beat a gangrenous tentacle monster growing on the hull of the ship in a game of basketball. Every three baskets made by the player, a door opens up on the monster, where Magneto has been hiding the whole time. The player has three seconds to throw the Glade at Magneto, or Magneto will kill the player in the usual fashion.


Much of the uniqueness of the game comes from the use of the Glade. The player can use the Glade to kill monsters, open doors, chop vegetables, and play frisbee with the kids.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about DarkSector.

In addition to the Glade, the player may also carry a small gun in his left hand. This is initially a pistol, but can be upgraded later by climbing down into the sewer and swapping drugs for weapons with Crystal Meth heads. The player can also choose to receive the happy ending when he leaves the black market. Weapons can also be picked up from fallen enemies, but they are only good for a few shots because we know that meth-heads can't correctly assemble anything more complex than a pea-shooter.


Those who criticize the game for being too similar to Gears of War do not realize that Gears of War was just an underpowered market test for DarkSector. And even if Gears of War were a separate game, DarkSector refines some of its greatest ideas, such as casting as the arch-villain an overgrown man with Down's Syndrome, who wears a 4-inch-thick suit of body armor to boot, but can still roll around like a gymnast.